The 5 Reasons the Narcissist Devalues You



You will be familiar with the fact that one day you are cock of the walk and the next day you are a feather duster.

You are atop the pedestal and in a flash you have been thrown from it and you are lying in the dust as we stand over you berating you.

The sudden switch from hero to zero, from princess to pauper, from “good person” to “bad person” is perhaps the most confusing, bewildering and upsetting part of our behaviour. People cannot comprehend why they were being feted as the love of our life on Monday and then by Tuesday they are the devil incarnate.

It is something which causes (and of course we want this) victims of our nefarious behaviour to cling to us in order to get an answer, to receive an explanation and some kind of reasoning which will allow them to make sense of what has happened. They are unlikely to accept it, the emotional hold of the seduction and the golden period prevents acceptance of this sudden fall from grace for a very long time, but if you are able to understand why it happened, you are able to move yourself forward with greater speed than you would otherwise.

Our reasons may appear illogical to you based on your world view but at least you have some reasons and that is more than you would usually ever receive from our kind as we plough on with your devaluation offering no cogent or realistic explanation for this sudden switch. I am not explaining why we devalue you (fuel, control, reinforcement of our need for superiority and self-worth).

I am explaining what is it that makes us love you then hate you in the blink of an eye. What causes this sudden change, this 180-degree swing, this volte face, this switch? You will be given no answer or if you are they will not be anything to do with the real reason why we suddenly idealise you then devalue you.

These false reasons are wheeled out to make you remain all the more, pursuing an elusive point as we continue to drain you of negative fuel until we decide you are to be disengaged from. Thus, here are the five reasons that are the triggers for the devaluation.

  1. Stale

The fundamental reason for seducing you is to gather your potent and positive fuel. In the beginning and for some time afterwards we are invigorated by this precious fuel that you supply to us. We are reliant on it, we want and need it and we marvel at the fuel you provide us. This may last months or it may even last years dependent on our demands and your ability to fulfil them.

Your complacency however causes the fuel to become stale to us. You may not regard yourself as having done anything wrong. We understand that according to your view of how a healthy and mature relationship should progress that after a dizzying, honeymoon period the relationship moves to a deep-seated position where that initial buzz of excitement has faded to be replaced by something long-lasting, substantial and fulfilling.

Should you appreciate your relationship with us with this mind set, it results in us seeing you as complacent. You may regard it as a natural and understandable, indeed potentially necessary progression. We do not. Your failure to admire us in the way you once did (or at least the manifestation of this admiration), your demonstration of love, adoration and such like becomes lessened. You may not think that you love us any less but it is the way that appears to us that matters.

This change manifests as complacency to us and it makes your fuel become stale, less potent and this in turn threatens to weaken us. In order to defend ourselves we must immediately switch to the devaluation and extract the negative fuel from you which will power us to the extent we want and demand.

  1. Disobedience

Our sense of entitlement, inability to recognise and respect boundaries and huge need for control means that we have to have you do what we want. This control arises through the application of the incentive, the carrot approach, when we have seduced you and the golden period is in play.

Through the application of wonderful and loving behaviour we cause you to do what we want by providing fuel and carrying out our wishes. We have delighted you and you want to please us in return. We provide you with the love you desire and you respond by complying with our requirements. When you stop submitting to this benign control then we will switch and commence the devaluation.

You may, when viewed objectively by others, be correct in not doing what we want, taking an alternative course of action and doing something else but to us that is irrelevant. You are challenging our control and this cannot be countenanced. In order to stamp out this uprising before it gains traction and undermines our careful operation that has been constructed to control you and gain fuel from you, we must tighten our control, remove the dissent and increase our grip on you. This is when the devaluation begins. We move from benign dictator to malign tyrant.

  1. See Through

If we apprehend that you are working us out. If we perceive that you have been influenced by another source and you are joining the dots. If we gauge that you are beginning to realise what we are and what we are doing, then we must strike first in order to shock and awe you into submission once more and dispel your fabrications.

You may well be right but we are not going to accept you being right. We will switch to the devaluation in order to unleash all those manipulations which will confuse you, drain you and most of all make out that it is all your fault. We have done nothing wrong other than love you with a perfect love and instead you have brought this on yourself through your lies about what we are and your treachery.

We cannot allow you to unmask us and therefore we will assault you with a frenzied devaluation which gives you no option other than to try and defend yourself so you lose sight of your goal of seeing through us. We will make you feel guilty, cruel and heartless in the hope of tapping into your empathic traits so you stop what you have been doing and concentrate on putting things right between us, mending the relationship and showing that you care. The commencement of the devaluation when you are uncovering what we are is a massive distraction exercise designed to protect us and harm you.

  1. The Hoover Opportunity

This is not a hoover against you. Instead it is the opportunity which suddenly arises to hoover a predecessor. This person may have been dis-engaged from and moved away from our sphere of influence or they have escaped and done likewise, but now something has happened whereby they have come back into our sphere of influence. The promise of that sweet and powerful hoover fuel will outweigh the positive fuel that you are currently providing us with.

The prospect of getting this hoover fuel means that we want to focus our attention on the predecessor and hoover them. We will not get shot of you, not yet, because that will leave us in in-between primary sources of fuel. Instead, we commence the hoover to seduce again your predecessor and thus because they have appeared on the horizon they make you look like the less desirable option.

This causes us to question why we are with you, to regard you as a mistake and therefore we switch to devaluing you as we begin the seduction of them once again. Should the hoover fail, expect the golden period to be reinstated for you, with another sudden switch. Should it succeed and we begin to tie the predecessor back to us once more with the hoover fuel beginning to flow, you can expect the devaluation to worsen as you hurtle towards being dis-engaged from.

A sudden switch to devaluation may indeed herald the fact that a predecessor has appeared on our radar and we are hoovering that person at your expense.

  1. Total Control

You are aware that we want to control you. This is fundamental to the dynamic between us. Yet, as a further example of the double standards that we engage in we want to control you and if you disobey us we will commence your devaluation but furthermore if we believe we have obtained total control over you then we will similarly commence your devaluation because we know that you will do anything that we want and we will just use you to validate ourselves in the event that other, more exciting prospects do not fuel us during the course of the day.

You become relegated to the reliable and dependable, because you are actually doing precisely what we want, but through our warped logic, this equates to you no longer being special. Thus we need to make you special to us once again and we do this through devaluation. We will not cast you aside when we have achieved total control, not at all. This state of affairs brings with it considerable benefits but they will now be channelled through the filter of devaluation and not idealisation. It is symptomatic of the bizarre (when judged from your perspective) logic we apply that when you finally do the very thing we want, we turn against you and begin your devaluation.

How do you deal with all of this? The short answer is you cannot. Any of these five reasons may suddenly apply without warning and your devaluation starts. You cannot avoid it and you could not avoid it. You did nothing wrong, but you did everything wrong from our world view.

There is nothing you can do to avoid this happening, because once the trigger happens, the devaluation will follow. The thing you can draw the greatest solace from however is that in knowing this is how we are, in knowing that there was nothing you can do or you could have done to have changed the outcome, you at least now have this knowledge and through it you can attain freedom from the doubt, uncertainty and sheer bewilderment of wondering why it happened.

28 thoughts on “The 5 Reasons the Narcissist Devalues You

  1. Joa says:

    Indeed, the pace of change is insane.

    A month ago I cried (Yes !!! For the first time in 14 years I felt tears again, lots of tears. Great feeling! 😊 Channel unlocked, although I doubt I would use it often). I said goodbye and buried “my N” inside me.

    And here it is again …

    A month ago, I met all 5 points. Now I do not know. I don’t care.

    He is also “black” with me and lies underground. I’m resting now.

  2. Foreigner74 says:

    If a man makes a compliment or talks a lot with one of your appliances (IPPS or IPSS) in your presence, what’s your reaction, H.G.? Is she always to blame from your perspective?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Is the compliment directed to the IPPS or to me about the IPPS?

      1. Foreigner74 says:

        The compliment is directed to the IPPS.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          That will wound and therefore there will need to be an assertion of control to address it. The response will depend on factors such as the school of narcissist and the status of the IPPS (black or white). There are a multiplicity of outcomes as to how that threat to control would be dealt with.

          1. Foreigner74 says:

            Thank you, H.G, for your explanation. I found myself in a similar situation (men complimenting me in the presence of my partner) with both my former partner and my current partner (both UMRN elites). Their reactions were very different. My former partner blamed it on me and his fury ignited. My current partner has never shown that he cares about this. I’m going to need a lot of your help to really see my current partner for who he is. I just sent you my questions for a private consultation … the first of many, I think. Thank you, again, H.G.

  3. WhoCares says:

    Sorry – anybody, what’s the name of the article that lists the Empath’s excuses for the narcissist’s poor behaviours?

    You know, the one that goes:

    Maybe he’s tired…
    Maybe it’s this (fill in the blank)
    Maybe it’s that (fill in the blank)

    And it ends with something like …

    Maybe you make too many excuses for their behaviour…
    (my memory is totally blanking on this one but it’s such a good article and I just had coffee with a friend who has finally admitted some concerning behaviours on the part of her spouse who I have suspected is a cerebral narc due to some flaggy things she shared.)

    Thanks for any help.

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Hi WC, not sure if this is the one you meant? there are probably more articles with similar….. 🙂

      1. WhoCares says:

        Sorry Asp Emp, I think my earlier reply to you went wonky too.
        Thanks for your assistance, I think it’s a good article as well, to send to my friend, but the one I am thinking of is different.. it has a lot of ‘maybes’ in it.

        1. Asp Emp says:

          WC, ….woo hoo! Success! Here it is…… wondered if this one if of use too?…….. RE: the wonkiness of the replies… was the ‘maybes’ that did it 😉

          1. WhoCares says:

            Asp Emp – just saw this. (Something’s off with my notifications). The ‘maybes’ did do it! That’s the one 🙂. Thanks so much!
            The second is perfect too, I had already sent my friend that one. And will send the maybes soon. I don’t want to overwhelm her.

          2. Asp Emp says:

            WC, I am glad it was the right one. It was the number of ‘maybes’ that was the clue LOL 😉 I hope your friend is managing ok. I hope you are too 🙂

    2. A Victor says:


      Is this it? How Your Emotional Thinking Causes Excuses

      1. A Victor says:

        Or this one? Excuses Equals Endangered

      2. WhoCares says:

        I sent an earlier reply to you but WordPress has gone wonky and I don’t know if it will go through. So, thanks again for your help!

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Interesting avatar WhoCares.

          1. WhoCares says:

            NarcAngel, it’s my son.

  4. Wendy says:

    Amazing how this description of events was exactly how it happened with my ex. It started feeling comfortable and nice and then he started acting different. Doing things that I became suspicious about. He didn’t want me to visit my friend I “ disobeyed” him and went anyway. Then after a another month I started seeing through him and realizing what he might be. I brought it up to him then things heated up with him devaluing me. Then he would tell me about a customer who was making advances toward him and an ex who started texting him again. Then when I was so upset about it he then brought out the fear of me losing him so I started trying to do anything to save us. He had control again. Then I guess whoever was to take my place took his hook and then I was cast away. Although, he then attempted a small Hoover with me it was too late. I then blocked him. Events played out exactly the way you describe it! Amazing!

    1. A Victor says:

      HG is amazing.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        True ´dat.

        1. Wendy says:

          I would have never imagined hearing a British man say true dat! Lol

          I do agree! 😊

          1. A Victor says:

            Haha, I had the exact thought!! I’m going to ask him to say it next consult, just to hear what it actually sounds like!

          2. wensical says:

            AV, please let me know how it sounds. True story, the last two guys I was talking to and potentially going to go out with, responded to something I said as “tru dat” and that did it! I didn’t speak to them again! Lol. It was a major turn off. Now, when HG said it, I didn’t get that disdain for it at all! Go figure! I guess a British man saying it is a little different than a southern Virginia “wanna be cool cat”😎 I found HG to be quite cute saying it. So unexpected I suppose. Lol

      2. JB says:

        I totally agree that HG is amazing. I never cease to be stunned by his knowledge – it’s like he is a fly on the wall of my life! Xx

        1. A Victor says:

          I know!! It is so…amazing!!! There aren’t words for it even! I think he is truly a phenom, in so many ways. I feel truly blessed to have come across his blog and be living in a time when such a thing is possible.

          1. JB says:

            Me too, AV xx

      3. wensical says:

        Yes, he is!

  5. Caity says:

    This was one of my favorite pieces because it finally set me free from the torture of “what if”. I had almost come to the conclusion that no matter what I did, said, promised or kept promises, no matter how many obstacles I maneuvered both he and I around, no matter how often I either gave in or gave up or soldiered on there was nothing I could do to change him, or to fix him…or to keep him. This article confirmed my slowly gathering suspicion.

    It was a bittersweet lesson. Later, after many more articles and at least 16 books written by HG and purchased by me, I realised how fortunate I was to have failed to keep him. It is a failure I am most proud of. And thanks to HG, I see it as the success it really is.

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