Plagued : Malign Follow Up Hoovers
Hurt and pain are integral in the narcissist dynamic. Whether your narcissist is male or female, an intimate partner, a family member, friend or colleague, there will at some juncture be the appearance of hurt. It is the primary source, usually an intimate partner, who carries the largest burden of this hurt, since it is they who spends the most time with our kind, is entwined in our manipulations and suffers the worst of the devaluation and disengagement .
Whilst the incidence of hurtful behaviour cannot be denied in the devaluation, there may be some comprehension that it occurs because the Formal Relationship between narcissist and victim is continuing. Judged by the victim and a normal person’s standards, that hurt should not occur at all, but once one understands the nature of our behaviour, it is understandable, albeit not accepted, that it occurs during devaluation.
The hurt that is occasioned by the discard is like any that occurs when somebody has found their romantic and intimate relationship terminated. It is safe to say however that when the cessation occurs as a consequence of our discarding, the hurt is amplified by the cruel nature of the discard, the confusion that surrounds it and the contrast with the golden period that once shone so brilliantly. From pedestal to the thorny ground. Often in a matter of weeks.
The hurt is understandable and recognisable when it occurs in the context of the devaluation period and the consequent discard. Yet, what of the aftermath and the hereafter? The hurt invariably continues following the discard. I do not refer to those dark, lonely days as you attempt to piece together what happened.
That howling wilderness where nothing makes sense and you are left to pick yourself up and tackle the daily agony of what has happened to you. The gnawing hurt of wanting us back, the bewildering mystery of why somebody who supposedly loved you could do such a thing to you, the stark realisation that we have moved on to someone else without so much as a backwards glance towards you.
The misery of unanswered questions, the wretchedness of the emptiness that hangs around your day like a spectre and the shame as the drip, drip, drip of realisation causes you to ascertain you have been conned.
Harsh as those things are, they are the residue of your entanglement with us. The collateral effects of us taking from you. These are all difficult enough to comprehend and deal with, especially in an eroded and worn down state. But why do we return and pile hatred onto the pain, misery onto the woe and malice onto the hurt? Why do we engage in the Malign Follow-Up Hoover?
The Malign Hoover occurs when we revisit you, in many different ways, sometimes in person, sometimes through technology and sometimes through others with the intent of hurting your further. Why do we do this? Have we not made you suffer enough? Have we not had our fill of your begging, pleading, loving, attempts to make us happy? Why can we not just leave you be? You do not even have the less hurtful experience of benign follow-up hoovers where we seek positive fuel and to charm you back into the Formal Relationship. This is pure, unadulterated malice, directed at you time and time again.
Let us start by ascertaining which of our kind utilises this hoover? The answer is, all of our kind. The Lesser. The Mid-Range and the Greater all engage in the application of the Malign FUH. It may not happen with every victim, but it part of each school of narcissist’s arsenal.
When is it used? It occurs when the Formal Relationship has ended, thus when you have been disengaged from or if you have managed to escape.
How does it occur? As ever, since it is a hoover, it relies on the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria being fulfilled but there are additional considerations and motivations which you ought to be aware of.
The Greater Narcissist. If you have been disengaged from, you can expect a Malign FUH reasonably soon post discard, because the energy levels and intrinsic malevolence of the Greater will facilitate this type of hoover more than the Mid-Range or the Lesser. The Greater has an enhanced desire to punish you for failing us (hence why you were devalued and discarded) but those treatments are not deemed enough. You failed. We see this as a criticism of us and therefore it is justifiable to punish you. The Malign FUH is also deployed because the fuel we gain from your negative emotional responses to being hurt, assists us in powering our ongoing seduction of your replacement. Thus, not only are you being punished for your perceived failures, you are being used to ensure that your replacement is embedded and seduced.
The Malign FUH allows us to triangulate you with the new replacement and it allows us to demonstrate to the façade that you are trouble and this is why we have to be harsh with you (we have been left with no choice but to do this – or so the façade is made to believe).
The Greater may switch to a Benign FUH at a later stage (usually when your replacement is being devalued) and some positive hoover fuel is required or even to tee you up to return to the position of primary source. It is the case however that following your discard you will face Malign FUHs and they will arise shortly after the discard has happened so long as the trigger and criteria occur.
Where you have escaped you will face the Initial Grand Hoover first of all in order to suck you back into the Formal Relationship. If this fails you will have a period of respite, many weeks, perhaps months, as we focus on the acquisition of a new primary source and remain away from you as a consequence of your resistance denoting that we are wasting our energy and you are an unattractive fuel prospect.
Once our fuel levels have increased again and have done so for a while, then subject to the trigger and criteria the Malign FUHs will occur. As above this is to punish you, but the malice will be greater because you escaped us, the ultimate act of treachery. The new primary source will be in place, therefore there is no need to for the fuel that is generated to seduce this person (although it may be partially used to power the ongoing golden period).
More likely, the fuel gathered from these Malign Hoovers is so potent and effective that we use the power generated to keep hammering you with more and more hoovers. This creates a dangerous situation because there will be a combining of a Malicious Obsession and a Fuel Obsession so you are lodged in the sixth sphere thus there are repeated triggers.
The fuel has been obtained and thus the criteria is more readily going to be met.
If you have escaped your narcissist and you find that you are being subjected to repeated and sustained malign hoovers of this nature, you have been unfortunate enough to become lodged in the sixth sphere owing to one or probably both of these obsessions.
The Mid-Range and The Lesser Narcissists have far less interest in punishing you.
They do occur and if so, they will be shortly after your discard and short and sharp in nature. These narcissists do not have the energy levels to embark on a sustained campaign of Malign Hoovers purely for punishment, they need to utilise the fuel to gain more fuel from their seduction. It can happen, but their concern is to focus on the new primary source and therefore their malign hoovers are designed to power their seduction of your replacement. Accordingly, if you have been discarded, the Mid-Range or Lesser will be focused on your replacement and if they deploy Malign FUHs this will be done to provide them with fuel to secure the seduction and embed this replacement. Once this is achieved, the Malign FUHs will tail off.
If you have escaped, you will also experience an Initial Grand Hoover from these types, but if it fails they will need to focus their efforts on securing a new primary source and gaining that fuel promptly. They will not have the energy or desire to maintain a malicious campaign against you as well. You are more likely to be left alone as they deal with their fuel shortage and then any follow-up hoovers which occur down the line are far more likely to be benign in nature, since the seduction and embedding has already taken place.
Accordingly, Malign FUHs are predominantly, albeit not exclusively, the preserve of the Greater Narcissist.
This is not complete however without some consideration of you, the recipient of these Malign FUHs. Dependent on what category of empathic individual you are, this will also impact on the nature and purpose of the hoovers.
Versus a Standard Empath. This will be done to draw negative fuel and potentially to draw you back in to the Formal Relationship so the pain stops, but Benign FUHs are more likely to be used to achieve this latter aim with the empath.
Versus a Super Empath. This is done to draw fuel only. The Super Empath will not be drawn back into the relationship through Malign FUHs, but they will seek to resist the impact. They may well provide fuel from their responses of frustration, hurt and anger, but we are aware that there is no prospect of returning the Super Empath to the Formal Relationship. That can only be done through the Initial Grand Hoover or Benign FUHs.
Versus a Co-Dependent. Again, the Malign FUH will draw fuel but the Co-Dependent is, of all the empathic types, the one who is most likely to be pulled back in because of a Malign FUH as they see it as the only way to halt the agony that is being caused.
What do Malign FUHs appear like? There are hundreds of different ways they manifest. Here is a selection.
1. Posting your mobile number on a sex website so you receive repeated calls harassing you;
2. Shouting insults at you when we see you;
3. Putting a brick through your window;
4. Slashing the tyres on your car;
5. Following you and glaring at you;
6. Sending funeral wreaths to your home;
7. Sending vicious text messages and e-mails;
8. Having Lieutenants contact you to insult you;
9. Daubing insults in paint on your car or house;
10. Smearing dog mess on your windows;
11. Threatening to contact social services (or indeed contacting them) so you are investigated;
12. Hacking into your computers;
13. Leaving notes and messages containing threats and warnings;
14. Posting comments about you which are unpleasant on social media;
15. Uploading intimate footage of you onto porn sites;
16. Posting intimate pictures of you on the internet and/or to your family and friends;
17. Incurring financial liabilities on your behalf;
18. Setting fire to possessions you have left with us and dumping the charred remains on your drive and/or sending you footage;
19. Threatening to steal/harm your pets;
20. Repeatedly driving by your home or workplace.
21. Reporting you to the police and/or other authorities so you are arrested/investigated;
22. Seeking a restraining order against you on trumped up grounds.
How do you deal with the Malign FUH? Understand whether you are at risk of it happening by considering the points above. Stay out of the spheres of influence, make yourself a F.R.E.E. in the hope that the hoover execution criteria are not met (chief amongst which is reducing all potential contact as far as you can) and thereafter bracing yourself. In short, you must implement a full and complete no contact regime by using this How To Stop the Hoovers
If, you do not do this and they keep happening, avoid giving fuel as best as you can and seek assistance from others to either build a buffer between you and us (thus making the criteria harder to fill for a hoover to take place) or escalate the matter to the relevant authorities on the basis of harassment and/or specific criminal behaviour.
Understand how it happens, why it happens and thus you can prepare yourself.
What has been the nature of the Malign Follow-Up Hoovers that you have experienced?
18 thoughts on “Plagued : Malign Follow Up Hoovers”
I walked away. It hurt like hell but it had finally clicked. I just had enough. I heard nothing from him for weeks after. Nothing! This hurt too. This was not the usual m.o. He told his kids about us. They told my kids. I’m married. I had no business doing what I was doing or for letting it go on for so long. I have trouble seeing myself as a victim. He didn’t care that I was married. I should have.
K Mac, don’t be yourself up too much. The narc knows how to sniff out targets. I don’t like the word victim either. I had an affair with a narc too. It lasted 18 months. His manipulations are what brought me here. It’s how I figured out that both my parents, my husband and one of my daughters is a narcissist. As empath’s we are addicted to narcissists. If we are ACONs also, the addiction is stronger.
How did it work out with your husband and children? Are your children adults? Did they understand? What about your husband? You said you recently moved to another state. Did your husband come with you?
I have never read this kind of thing before, only just found your website. Just reading this blog has opened my eyes to what has happened in the 3 years since separating from my ex. He moved directly across the lane from me in our small village. He watched me, he shouted abuse at me, he followed me, kept coming down my passage to bang on my door and hurl abuse. When I informed the police they came and tried to get him to sign a community order, he refused. Then the very next day he stood and glared at me as I left for work.
He began calculating when I walked the dog, or didn’t, and came and stole the dog away abusing me for not walking him properly, swearing at me the whole time. The dog was yanked away on his lead so roughly. I stood out in the road for his return and stated without emotion, but with assertiveness that he was never to touch the dog again and to leave me alone.
Now he is controlling the children, putting the youngest on pedastool, using my eldest to manipulate and check on her. My youngest was brainwashed by his lies about how ‘I broke up the family.’ And how ‘I keep calling the police on him’
I have a meeting with a solicitor tomorrow, but children at 13 and 15, can choose who to live with and I feel like I can’t protect them, especially the youngest. She keeps going to live with him and ‘looking after him’. Even thought I assertively say she doesn’t deserve to feel hurt, anger or neglect from him.
I am at my wits end
You need to organise a consultation with me and I can help you.
Yes she should. Hell, im thinking of doing it just to talk to you. 🤭 Wouldn’t be the first I’m sure.
Do it. You will not regret it.
K Mac, I’ve thought about it too! But, I’m a big chicken, He kinda scares me! In a good way if that makes sense, lol.
I froze. This is the worst drama there can be. The torments of love become trivial when it comes to harming children. They will carry it all life … ☹
I can’t read it calmly ☹ I feel this atmosphere and my skin crawls ☹
Malign Follow-Up Hoovers – none of the above. Mine seem trivial in comparison.
Okay, when I told him to go and he walked out. It was in the heat of the moment and I had not considered the financial implications. When he offered to be reasonable so we could sort out our commitments – I felt relief and grateful. Little did I understand that the price I was to pay would be – being subjected to pure malice and emotional torment.
He was furious and wanted to make me suffer. He was relentless. The initial relief at him being so reasonable – all things considered – turned into despair. Had it not – we could have very well have patched things up. He wanted me to suffer and he wanted to punish me.
People split up and feel hurt and angry – but not in the way he did it. He could have said screw you – you told me to go – you sort out the mess. He than would not have had the opportunity to try to destroy me I guess.
We had split up before. Around 20 minutes after saying I was not ready for marriage yet. He ended the relationship. Out of the blue – just like that. I remember saying ‘Why ask me to marry you – if you wanted to end it?’ Made no sense.
Anyway Malign Follow-Up Hoovers = (over a 4 year time line) A call. Nothing overt. How are you? What are you doing? A discussion on the latest developments. An offer to help with something. ‘I want to help. I insist!’ – ‘you don’t have to.’ I would say. ‘No, no I want to.’
Than he would either come and be frustrated and annoyed at the task (he came to visit the cat and drop cat food over.), make me feel I am taking advantage – Or if I ask – ‘are you still okay to do…’ he would get angry, say not his job – or I should pay someone.
I stopped seeing him in person when he put poison across the doorway where my puppy had to come and go from.
It was reduced to ranting about my disabled son and telling me what I should or should not be doing.
I know he stalked me the previous time we split – he knew things he had no way of knowing otherwise. No idea if that was the case this time.
Had no contact for months now….
Well, I know my ex gave my number to sex sites because there for awhile they were coming in constantly! I also keep getting random texts saying my delivery is on its way or just constant spam notifications. He was a technical engineer so I KNOW he did something to my phone and even possibly placed a tracker on my car before I left for good. I still think that he has a way of seeing what I do online.
Maybe I’m paranoid but he threatened me that he would put something on my phone before. He also threatened to upload intimate things on pornhub! So, that’s a possibility but I don’t even want to attempt to try and find that out! I honestly feel like something is still coming my way from him much worse. I can’t explain it but it’s something that is very strong. I get a little nervous wondering what that might be! I outed him to people and posted on his FB page that he was a narcissist. Went straight to a couple of his exes.
A number popped up on my phone just last evening with his area code and I froze! I can’t be positive but I feel it may have been him or a flying monkey. No message was left. HG, it’s been 6 months. Do you feel he will still do something?
Oh my God no!
Hi Wendy. Ouff. That sounds brutal I’m so sorry. I’ll offer a few of my own suggestions, hopefully they will be helpful.
If you’re concerned about your phone being bugged (and who could blame you – that’s exactly what a narc would do). You may want to consider getting an entirely new phone and new phone number. That in itself may give you a peace of mind money can not buy ! Give yourself permission and let go of the excuses why you need THAT phone. Data can be backed up – your contact list can be updated – and no amount of money is worth he anxiety of when it rings !
Empath007, thank you for the advice! You are right about peace of mind and I will most likely have to get a new phone with a different number. 🤗
Hi wendy – to add. I’d advise against contacting his exes or trying to “out”
Him. Especially on social media – best to block him and any of his friends. Or get rid of your social media entirely. Your emotional thinking is driving your decision but not your logic. Logic says this a narcissits – GOSO.
Another thing to keep in mind is that narcissis don’t only date empaths – they are able to get fuel from normals and other narcissits, so some of these ladies may not even be riled up by what happened. In fact some may have remained “friends”
With him and would love nothing more then to feed his narrative about you. Unless you can trust these women fully – ignore them. Don’t give him proximit fuel.
You’ve got this 🙏🏻
Hello Eternity 🙂 Good point about blocking the friends as well on Social Media. I selected the option ‘friends of friends’ can send friend request as it was the ‘nearest’ option ‘available’. I had been thinking of getting rid of FB entirely – not necessarily because of the narcissists of my past – just that FB is a pain in the ass……
Empath007 hindsight is 20/20!
I knew better but damn that emotional thinking mixed with a bottle of nice Pinot noir made my decision for me! lol
I actually had a really great conversation with one of his exes and she validated me. The other one said little but agreed he had “ problems” so I think she is def one he will hoover and get back with if he hasn’t already. She was his most recent ex.
This all happened about two months after we split and it’s been six months now so I think I have passed that stage thank God! I have him blocked everywhere and honestly the desire to “ get even” has pretty much gone. I do remember our last conversation on the phone before I blocked his number he told me “ Do you really think I can’t get in touch with you even if you block me? I can and will but of course I don’t want you to think you are a prisoner to me.” 😳 Truly, creepy! Def gonna get a new phone!
Thanks so much for your feedback I am grateful! 🤗🙏
Haha ! We’ve all been there ! I wanted to contact soooo many women haha ! In my case I personally knew two of them and by the end could decipher they too were narcissits. So thankfully I never said a word to them. Well… I did to one of them years later but played it off like it was a fling, something I didn’t concern myself with lol. Even though I was dying to verbally rip him to shreds 😂🤣
Now I have to deal with his male friends and keeping my composure is the worst 😂 but so far I have managed to do so. Change can happen !
Glad to hear you are slowly moving past the revenge phase. That’s tough to do it took me a loooonnnnngggg time to not fantasize about putting crock roaches in his apartment 😂🤣
BTW for those empaths reading this who are still with the narc here are my revenge ideas :
Continually clog their toilets with paper towel.
Sneak in a rodent of some
Kind. Let nature do it’s work 🙌🏻
Leave nails in their driveway/ garage
I have no desire to do these things anymore… but wish I would known what he was before I left so I could have done at least one of these things. Haha ! It’s good I can laugh about it all now.
All the best Wendy ! Xo
Great revenge ideas!
“Accidentally” put salt in the sugar bowl to ruin that first cup of Joe. Mine worshipped his morning coffee.
Turn off the hot water while they take a shower.
Lol, the possibilities are endless!