The Future Fakes : No.1
“I will never hurt you.”
So easy to say, yet impossible for us to do.
These are words which ought never need to be spoken. Someone who is healthy and normal would never hurt the person they love, care about and cherish. Consequently, as I have observed, since they will not hurt that person and they know they will not do so, there is no need to tell them that they will not do so. Why tell somebody something that you have no intention of doing?
Of course, people who are not our kind will trot out this sentence at some point, swept up in their love for their other half and feeling the need to assert this. Those who are not of our kind will say this not because they will hurt you, but rather they are not entirely confident as to their position with their other half and feel they should provide reassurance and so they do. It remains an empty comment because even the non-narcissist does not know what the future will bring but he or she is unlikely to engage in issuing the hurt.
Those who are truly secure have no need to say it at all and will not. But how do you discern between the well-intentioned but empty comment of the insecure non-narcissist and the future faking of our kind? All in good time.
We tell you these words because it masks the fact that we know we cause hurt and by telling you this we are doing two things :-
- Using words once again (rather than our actions) to con you. We adopt this phrase because it sounds meaningful, honest and decent – the very things that you need to hear because we are mirroring the fact that you are a person of meaning, you are honest and you are decent ; and
- Engaging in the self-delusion that our narcissism causes. By repeating that we will not hurt you then this means we are not going to do so. We are not going to harm you. We are not the bad person. This of course then creates our unassailable position that YOU caused the hurt. We did not and we know we did not do so because we told you we will never hurt you and because we said that and said it many times, then, it must be true.
We have to say this because we want to ensure you hear those things which will bind you to us. We are faking what the future will bring, creating the illusion that is the golden period whereby you suffer no ill, experience no pain and endure no hurt. We want you to find reassurance in those words, to allow their effect to wrap around you and make you believe them. We want you to buy into those words and accept that the future with us will be one of happiness and pain-free.
Of course what these words do is add to the height of the pedestal from which you will inevitably tumble. Each promise of a golden future that lies ahead for you, raises you that bit higher on the pedestal so that when we do hurt you – and we will – your fall is harder. The contrast is greater and accordingly your reaction to the hurt is intensified and with it the fuel we need. The negative fuel is provided in greater amounts and more often.
“But you said you would never hurt me,” you declare through the tears. You bought into the dream based on this promise. You expected we would deliver on this announcement of never doing anything to hurt you, so you could give your all to us and open yourself up to us, wide open, exposed and vulnerable. Nobody wants to be hurt and you never expect to be hurt by somebody who supposedly loves you and cares for you. These are words that should remain unspoken and should you hear them said to you, you should take heed for the reality is that these words are being said in order to influence and control.
They are said or written purely to seduce. They are issued to mask the fact that the issuer is one who does hurt, who has hurt and will do so again.
We have to hurt you. We have to draw on the negative fuel that hurt causes. We have to punish you because you have hurt us. You have failed to deliver and you will always fail to deliver and thus the hurt will always be brought to bear upon you.
By providing an assurance, so easy to say with those seemingly earnest words, we trick you into believing them but on what truth do those lies rest? Where is the evidence to show that we will not hurt you? There is none. It is a future event and therefore all that manifests is intent and that is as concrete as the ether.
It would be slightly more honest to state
“I do not know what the future will bring, I may hurt you, I may not, we do not know.”
Not very romantic though is it? Not something you want tattooed on your forearm is it? Hardly the stuff of beating hearts and fluttering stomachs.
Far better to utilise the expectation of cherishing our ‘soulmate’ and tell our victim that we will never hurt them. Fake them into thinking the future is going to be wonderful and have them sign up and submit.
Should you ever hear these words, you should respond with
“I think you will.”
Then see what the reaction to your comment is. It will be most telling and is likely to provide you with confirmation of this future faking red flag or whether it has been issued by a well-meaning but harmless individual.
The insecure harmless individual will assert they will not hurt you but will ask why do you think that and will then concede that yes, they might hurt you, although would not intend to and may do so inadvertently.
Our kind will be adamant we will never hurt you and such is the conviction by which we say this (because we are feeling challenged and we need to assert our superiority with you albeit since it is during seduction we cannot do so in a forceful and hurtful manner) such is the way whereby we reject any suggestion whatsoever that this will happen, because of course we operate in absolutes – there is no maybe – this will be the indicator that this is the future faking comment of our kind.
One thought on “The Future Fakes : No.1”
When I met my daughter’s father (narc), he told me: “I don’t want to suffer again, please don’t hurt me”. I found it very strange and not an enthusiastic way of entering a relationship, and I didn’t know what to answer because I hadn’t thought in those terms and had no intention of hurting him (I think that’s what I said). It was probably a pity play, and he did spend a lot of time smearing his ex at first.
He was adrift already when I met him, but it seems that being with me kept him afloat, and since I left him he has let himself drown. I entered the relationship unaware of what he was, I know, but then I let him down and I feel bad about giving him the hope that I might be different – when in the end I was not capable of putting up and dealing with the madness. I wanted to remain on good terms with him but that didn’t work. I wanted to save him and I didn’t.
I am not religious at all, but the stories that are told in religious traditions, like in the fairy tales, can enlighten us about human matters: the absolute reference in “saving” matters has to be Jesus; he is portrayed as “saving” people that he was *not* in a relationship with, PLUS apparently he kept saying to people “*Your faith* has saved you” and then he hit the road. So the ‘saving’ was really the doing of the person that needed to be saved. It wasn’t even his (J’s) doing.
There’s a saying in French that goes something like “One can’t be more of a royalist than the King”. That’s me trying to give myself a good conscience.