Why the Narcissist Must Reject Intimacy



Narcissists abhor intimacy.

Why is that? It is an instinctive and necessary response. Intimacy creates attachment. As I have explained in Attachment Is The Seat Of Misery we attach our victims to us, but we do not attach to you. If we became attached to our victims we would not thrive and survive because our fuel needs would not be met as fully as they must be. We must be in a position to move forwards, unhindered, unfettered and unleashed. We must be free of anything which slows us down and prevents us from achieving The Prime Aims.

Our necessity of being able to jettison our appliances in one guillotine action drives this rejection of attachment and thus it follows, we have to reject intimacy. Intimacy creates bonds, it creates links, bridges and couplings – that is all very well when it is done to bind you to us, that is permissible but it must not and cannot be reciprocated.

Take for example a failing Intimate Primary Partner Source (“IPPS”) (a spouse, partner, boyfriend/girlfriend) who is no longer providing us with the requisite fuel, character traits and residual benefits which are necessary to our survival. This person has been idealised, they have been devalued and there has now been a disengagement trigger. We must reject them wholesale, we cannot dally about the task, holding on and keeping them as the IPPS when they are not functioning properly. That is highly likely to cause in all narcissists (save the Greater and even then to us it will still cause problems) a fuel crisis. A fuel crisis would arise because the narcissist would continue to engage with an appliance which is not delivering and the narcissist, if attached in some way, would be dedicating too much time for too little reward. Time would not be available to draw fuel from the secondary and tertiary sources to compensate for the shortcomings of this IPPS. The result would be a fuel crisis or at the least, a reduction in fuel levels which would cause the narcissist to function less effectively and feel the presence more fully of that ever present chasm of oblivion.

The narcissist may have a Candidate IPSS (“Intimate Partner Secondary Source”) waiting in the wings, ready to be crowned IPPS, but because the incumbent IPPS remains, this fresh, functioning appliance cannot yet be locked-on to the narcissist. Thus the narcissist finds themselves in a position of malfunctioning IPPS without being able to draw fully on the bountiful fuel (and other benefits ) of the IPPS-In-Waiting. A terrible state of affairs.

This is the scenario that intimacy threatens to generate. If intimacy is allowed then it will create tendrils that bind us to you and make it all the harder to jettison you at the flick of a switch or push of a button. By rejecting intimacy, the threat of attachment is countered. Intimacy, genuine intimacy can never happen, we are incapable of it and that is why there must be a wholesale rejection of it. Our narcissism means that genuine intimacy never gains a foothold.

Yet, what then of those narcissists that DO exhibit intimacy in the heady days of the seduction, those tender touches burnished with the fiery tinge of the golden period, those hugs, those delicate brushes of skin on skin, the gentle embrace of parted lips upon parted lips? I know many of you will have experienced that and indeed I have exercised such behaviour myself on many occasions – is that not then going to create intimacy and thus risk attachment which will prejudice our existence?

Not all narcissists will exhibit such intimacy. That is a preliminary point. It is far less likely to occur within the Lesser school of narcissist. It will be evident amongst Mid Range and Greater Narcissists. Why does it appear if intimacy is abhorrent to us? Simply, as with all matters ‘narc’, our narcissism causes us to do whatever is necessary to acquire what is required for our existence and supremacy. If that means mirroring your delight in rescuing puppies then we will do it, if that means demonstrating an enthusiasm for Asian fusion cuisine then we will do it, if that means singing along to Celine Dion then… well maybe there are some places we will not go. However, if intimacy is a necessary device (and it invariably is) to securing the seduction of a target then our narcissism drives down and supresses our innate abhorrence of intimacy for the purposes of the greater gain ; namely your seduction and ensnarement.

All well and good so far in using intimacy to ensnare, but where does that then leave us with regard to the risk of attachment and the consequential impact on our needs? Intimacy often appears through seduction. It is not felt, but rather it is administered as a consequence of understanding how the victim desires this, how it is so useful at supporting the illusion and enabling us to bring that victim under control. Of course its application is entirely instinctive (save with added calculation where a Greater is involved) and is achieved through copying what has gone before and is seen elsewhere – between other people, in books, in film, what is spoken of by other people in various forms. The intimacy is manufactured and applied with a skill which causes this counterfeit tenderness to appear genuine – but it is not.

It is superficial and merely a gloss. Yes, it appears to all intents and purposes to be something genuine. It is certainly real because you do not imagine it, but it is not genuine and because, as your emotional thinking surges owing to your repeated and sustained entanglement with us, you do not scratch beneath the surface and accept that what you see is what you are truly getting. Thus, since it is not an emotional response, but a learned one, this renders attachment unlikely to occur. However, our narcissism is not done yet. It must ensure that there is no risk whatsoever of attachment. Accordingly, Stage One is the process of preventing attachment through the application of intimacy in an entirely shallow manner. Stage Two is the process of devaluation.

The application of devaluation means that intimacy is withdrawn. Gone are the hugs either in their entirety or they are replaced by brief, card-board stiff interactions. The long, lingering kiss is taken from you and either has no replacement or is substituted with a brief peck on the lips, the cheek or the forehead. No longer will we hold your hand, no longer will we gaze into your eyes, no longer will we allow our fingers to trace the contours of your body making your skin tingle.

The application of devaluation and with it the removal of the false intimacy is a further safeguard to ensure that even IF there was a slight possibility of intimacy creating attachment, it is totally removed. Devaluation paves the way for an eventual disengagement (if there is a trigger) so that the disengagement is swift, effective and in one fell swoop.

Imagine if you will an escape chute. For this to be effective it must be clear and uncluttered. If vegetation (intimacy) grows across this chute it might block it altogether and prevent a prompt escape or it might be partial and slow and hinder the escape. Thus the false intimacy means that the growth of this vegetation across the chute is minimal, slow and far less likely. Devaluation is the flame thrower which comes along to burn away any encroaching vegetation, so come the point of escape (disengagement) this is totally effective.

Thus, our narcissism rejects true intimacy and applies false intimacy and then removes this false intimacy through devaluation. Accordingly, the rejection of intimacy means that attachment will not happen. Therefore, when our needs dictate you go and are replaced by another or just let go and existing appliances are relied on, the disengagement is swift, absolute and effective. We waste neither time or energy, allowing our resources to be wholly directed towards those prime aims and especially the acquisition of fuel.

Intimacy must be rejected to facilitate our existence and success.

14 thoughts on “Why the Narcissist Must Reject Intimacy

  1. Empath007 says:

    H.G. I have a question regarding intimacy.

    Can a narcissist feel fueled by our initmacy ? Therefore allowing them to enjoy the fuel and reciprocate the intimacy to contiune to be fueld and also make us believe we are intimate with them ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You expressing intimacy (words and/or actions) is fuel.

      1. Empath007 says:

        Thank you.
        When my narc reciprocated intimacy would this be to mirror, further his aims, or both ?

  2. BC30 says:

    Today was one of those days I want to watch the world burn. Just walk out. But I don’t have anyone to walk out on. I confided in my FWB. He had some good suggestions.

    I might set the 🔥 anyway.

    1. A Victor says:

      Aw BC30, I hope whatever’s going on calms down for you. Hang in there. Sending a virtual hug. 💕

      1. BC30 says:

        Thank you AV. I have a tendency to do things like getting a body piercing when I feel this way, but I am trying to ride it out. I am so twitterpated about seeing that guy who is 2,000 miles away this weekend. We have an Air B&B and lots of plans. There is a tiny voice that says I need to be careful; that maybe this infatuation is the Addiction, but I don’t think so. I don’t want to be let down, ya know?– if he is a narc.

        Side note, my beautiful family, being a bunch of f*cking empaths 😂, are ok with my cutting my trip to see them short by a few days. Well, except for one sister who is hurt because she is VERY sensitive and who is currently ensnared and refuses to acknowledge it. He’s a mid-range for sure.

        1. A Victor says:

          BC30, you are very brave! You are my new hero because you’re taking a chance! I so understand the “don’t want to be let down” aspect, I’m not even willing to take a chance yet! You have your knowledge, don’t forget it but also, don’t focus on it, just be awake and aware. That window of opportunity to get out before you get hurt much is small but not projecting that into the situation, from our fear, is also a concern. I don’t know how that is best balanced. Maybe you will have some insight as you go along. I hope all the best for you in this situation, that it is amazing, you deserve it!

          I am sorry for your sister, she must really lean on you and may not even realize how much. I hope she is okay. Haha to the “f*cking empaths”!! That made me giggle!! 😂

          1. BC30 says:

            Welp. It didn’t work out. One hour in at the Air B&B, and we parted ways. I couldn’t cry over it. Isn’t that odd? I guess it’s because I felt I did nothing wrong, and he was the one who couldn’t get over it. Maybe I wounded him.

            Anyhow, you should have seen my little (15yo) nephew’s eyes when he opened the door for me at nearly 2am. God love him, he gave me a pillow, a blanket, and promised me it would be better in the morning. I woke up, and he’d make breakfast. I’m truly blessed.

          2. A Victor says:

            One hour?! Oh dear!

            You are blessed! I’m glad all is well!

          3. Asp Emp says:

            BC30, sorry that it did not work out. Sweet of your nephew to look after you 🙂

          4. BC30 says:

            Thank you, but no worries. It was his loss, truly. I haven’t unblocked him (yet?), but they always come back.

            Thank you! He’s the sweetest, but I suspect his brother is a narc, from his mother’s side of the family. They are my brother’s children. It’s funny how that genetic predisposition works out.

          5. Asp Emp says:

            BC30, I think I can understand why you have not, yet, blocked him. Is it because you have not succumbed to the deeper emotional level in this ‘interaction’ with him?

            I agree, the GPD can work in strange ways but that is the mathematical ‘workings’ of science. Unless you are an expert in genetics, it is not a ‘calculation’ we can sit down and write some sums down because it does not always work like that.

  3. leelasfuelstinks says:

    How should a narcissist be intimate with anyone, in any form? They cannot! They just can´t! They lack oxytocine and they never had a chance to experience real trust, intimacy and safety with their primary caregivers. I could see the creating of two narcissists (ULA, MMRA), their mothers are icy cold! How they treated their babies makes every Empath cringe! Empathyless, ice-cold mothers! You can clearly see how the babies are in terrible distress, they turn away from their mothers instead of making eye contact with her. The mother never cuddles the baby, never hugs, never kisses, they interact with their babies like robots. The baby desperately protects itself and thus, already starts the creation of the False Self. Two adult narcissists, who were treated like shit when they were babies. Of course this leads to an altered brain development if the genetic predisposition is there. No surprise, they reject intimacy: It´s pure self-defense!

  4. A Victor says:

    Intimacy cannot be allowed to gain a foothold or it is not possible for it to gain a foothold? Would the threat of intimacy developing bring devaluation, to thwart that development?

    This article is so well written but was so difficult to read this time. It really brought home afresh tonight how my ex could walk out and never look back, not even inquire how his kids were. My son brought him up a couple nights ago, I believe it is the first time he has. We were able to talk about it a bit and it opened the door to a little more conversation about narcissism. There really is no other explanation for someone leaving like that.

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