A Lack of Support



We don’t provide support. We are too concerned with ourselves and our daily hunt for the fuel that we need to be concerned about you. We are engrossed in our own world and have no interest in yours. The only time we pay attention to you is when you are providing us with fuel or you stop providing us with fuel. Everything we do is focussed around us. This is because we have to obtain fuel, as without we will disintegrate. The hunger for this fuel is never ending and accordingly all of our energy must be applied towards obtaining it. This leaves us with nothing left over for anyone else.

Being a caregiver yourself, you would like to think that the person who you share your life with, or who you work closely with, would be amenable to providing you with support. That may mean giving you emotional support when you are experiencing a difficult time or taking the strain allowing you to lessen the burden on yourself. You give and you are happy to do so, therefore why should they not do so as well? That is the outlook of someone normal operating by the norms and rules of your world. Those do not apply to us. We cannot provide you with support since we have nothing available to do so.

Added to that we do not know how to provide emotional support. Yes we can see how chores can be done and the like. We also have observed the ways that you provide emotional support to other people and we know the phrases that are used, the expressions that are formed on people’s faces and the gestures that are made. We have seen all that and we could trot all that out. In fact we have done in the past. We did this when we were seducing you. When we wanted you to divulge about your weaknesses and vulnerabilities this will have invariably saddened you and upset you. It may even have caused an episode where you need emotional support. We were happy to go through the motions then because we were at the stage of investing in your in order to get our fuel. We were content to make the right noises, give you a hug and make the panacea that is the cup of tea. All of this was learned from others. We did not feel anything for you. We could not put ourselves in your shoes (heaven forbid that would ever happen) and we could not empathise with what you were experiencing and nor can we ever do that. Yet again, we conned you into thinking that we are a caring and selfless person. We demonstrated such an approach when we were first together and that attracted you to us. This raised expectations that you could rely on us and turn to us when the need arose. It is all false.

Furthermore, when you need support and expect it from us, you are showing to us how you are weak. We despise weakness. You will find that our kind is rarely found near children, the infirm and ill and the elderly. This is because they are all weak and want support regularly. We do not want to be reminded of that fact. We cannot be bothered with you cluttering up our route to fuel. An exhibition of weakness infuriates us. A normal person would see someone in a position of weakness and deign to help and assist. We have seen how this is a natural reaction in normal people. It will not happen with us.

If you are fortunate, we will absent ourselves from the situation in an instant. We will generate some urgent reason; find a pressing engagement we had forgotten about in order to ensure we can get away from you and your ailment, woe or injury. You probably will never see us move as quick when it comes to getting away from somebody who needs help. If we are unable to exit the situation then we may just stand and look at you. You could be reaching out to us, eyes filled with tears of pain, asking for help and we will just give you a blank stare. We know we ought to be helping you, convention and observation has told us this, but we cannot do so. We are unable to leave but we are also unable to help you. This requires compassion and we do not have any. It requires us to us our energies to help you out and we are forbidden from doing so.

Our ultimate reaction where you need support from us is to go on the offensive. The uncomfortable feeling that you have generated inside of us makes us feel less powerful and smacks of inferiority. We know of only one way to banish such a sensation. We need to reassert our power and that means we must lash out at you. It becomes necessary to subject you to further insults and denigrating comments, at a time when you are feeling hurt and vulnerable.

“What are you crying for? I have had worse happen to me.”

“I am sick and tired of you being pathetic. Deal with it.”

“I bet (insert name of triangulated individual) would not make such a song and dance about it like you do.”

“It’s only a dog, you can get another one. Seriously, what a display over a dumb animal.”

“You are hysterical, you need to get help.”

“Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.”

“That’s right; make it about you on my special day.”

We will lash out at you with these words in order to make you feel worse and ourselves feel better because that is all we care about. We fooled you into thinking that we care about you. That is a fallacy. Do not expect us to support you.

Demonstrating our legendary hypocrisy we will expect you to always be there for us. When we have a need you must attend to it straight away, even if you are experiencing difficulties yourself. When we have a scratch we expect you to make it better even though you might be bleeding to death before us. As with so much of our behaviour we do not regard the way we act towards you as meaning you should behave the same way towards us. If you chopped us in half you would most likely find this stencilled through us like lettering on a stick of rock

“Do as I say, not do as I do.”

25 thoughts on “A Lack of Support

  1. Whitney says:

    HG, he’s been very helpful to me for the years I’ve known him. The one you claim is UMR Elite.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I have been very helpful to you, we do that, it is called a benign manipulation.

      1. Empath007 says:

        Haha! I always say beware of the friendly narcissits – that’s when you know something is about to go down.

      2. lickemtomorrow says:

        Something about the honesty of this statement has made my day 🙂

      3. Whitney says:

        His practical and emotional support has been intense, consistent and prolonged for years. Is this really an UMR Elite

    2. alexissmith2016 says:

      Goodness – I have lots of help from different Ns. Often times, they’re more helpful than normals because they’re invested in getting a return. This was so confusing for me when I first started to understand about them. It no longer is thank goodness, but I have to confess, it did take me rather a long time to see this clearly.

      HG, with regards to the OWA types, I notice they don’t tend to speak badly of others as much as other Ns. Like they pretend to see most people in a positive light, part of their facade I know. But would this be a fair assertion?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        It is more than a fair assertion, it is an accurate one.

        1. alexissmith2016 says:

          Agggh oh my goodness! I love you!

      2. A Victor says:

        Thank you for that piece of information Alexissmith, that they can be more helpful than normals, they suck us in with that niceness. Really appreciate this.

        1. It’s so true. I used to feel upset that it wasn’t real but now I just accept it for what it is snd take what I can when I can.

          1. A Victor says:

            Same, all the while muttering under my breath

          2. A Victor says:

            that I know what you are…

            Sorry, bumped send.

          3. alexissmith2016 says:

            You’re just so beautifully lovely AV xx

          4. A Victor says:

            I think you mean beautifully uncoordinated! 😁

            Thank you Alexissmith!

  2. A Victor says:

    This article hits home every time it comes around. I hate that I accepted this treatment from my ex.

  3. Heron says:

    My N insisted he wanted to be “there for me” when my dad was dying, even though he had a new girlfriend whom he had described as the love of his life. He pestered me for a month he wanted to prove his eternal loyalty and friendship by taking care of me during my difficult time. When I finally said OK, he thanked me so many times for accepting him as a friend, it was getting a bit weird.

    Very quickly though he began treating me worse than ever, and it turned out he only wanted to talk about his new girlfriend, his arguments with her and how he was already cheating on her with another woman. On the topic of my dad, he mostly congratulated himself for the advice he’d given me in the past to have a good relationship with him (“aren’t you glad I did that, now that he’s dying?”). It was only at this stage that I finally understood he was a narc and put all his behaviour in context. I have now gone full NC.

    Interestingly, this guy had always made a big song and dance about how generous and supportive he was; he told me he had volunteered at a battered women’s shelter and in children’s hospitals in his youth, and he had also been a foster carer for refugee teenagers!

    1. A.Victor says:

      Hi Heron, HG’s articles on death might be of interest to you, in light of how your ex handled your dad’s death. Maybe you’ve already searched them, if so please disregard.

      In HG’s recent interview he talks about how Ted Bundy did good things, I found that interestingbut my ex also did good things but is a very bad person.

      Good job on the NC!


    2. Truthseeker6157 says:

      Hello Heron,

      Unaware narcissists often see themselves as being ‘good people’. A narcissist can be a charity worker, a member of the church, a therapist or a caregiver. It feels like a contradiction in terms, but it’s all about the facade. Looking good to others whilst behind closed doors, in private, the IPPS bears the brunt of their devaluing behaviours.

      Do you see your narcissist here?


      Welcome to the blog Heron!

    3. WhoCares says:


      Thanks for sharing your story. What a way to worm his way back into your life! So glad you made the realization that he was a narcissist – and that you found your way here.

      ” It was only at this stage that I finally understood he was a narc and put all his behaviour in context. I have now gone full NC.”

      Good for you!

  4. Joa says:

    I have nothing to add 🙂

    Lack of support is not a problem for me. Over the years I have been a double parent, sole breadwinner, lawyer, attorney, clerk, detective, therapist. I can handle everything on my own.

    Malice – special obstruction. It used to hurt and irritate me a lot, I couldn’t understand it. Currently, it is irritating and curious, and sometimes it amuses sadistically.

    Bad Joa 🙂

    1. A Victor says:

      I didn’t need support either, didn’t even know what it meant to need support. It’s really sad when your children start telling you what you should be able to expect from your spouse. I think narc’s know that we will do what we can to hold things together, absolving then from responsibility.

  5. HadEnough says:

    This explains why my ex-husband would shout at the children when they fell and scrapped their knee, I could never work that out! It was very difficult for me to understand, but the way you word it here, makes it make sense. This is abusive to children, to not have their needs met when they are hurt. My spleen is venting and hurting for them, for me, how could I ever have thought it was acceptable?

    1. A Victor says:

      HadEnough, please don’t beat yourself up, you were also being mistreated more than likely and the entire thing when we’re in these situations are clouded by our emotional thinking. I hope things are going well for you and your children now.

  6. Jacqueline Rose says:

    “I’ll give you something to cry about” is very familiar. I heard it a lot growing up. I didn’t realize it was a narcissistic saying.

    1. A Victor says:

      It’s a threat, manipulative, intended to be frightening, in order to control. I said it to one of my kids once, and started laughing, it sounded so odd coming out of my mouth. But I too had grown up hearing it, from the violent parent, so it did carry weight. I never said it again, I knew I wouldn’t back it up and I couldn’t be that dishonest with my kids, nor that mean. But until I arrived here, I didn’t know it was narcissistic either, only that my horrible mother had said it to us frequently.

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