This is NOT No Contact No. 3 – Checking Social Media



The temptation to check the narcissist´s social media is strong, often irresistible. After all, you need to know what he is doing, who is he with after he disengaged from you, is he writing about you? Does that cryptic post have something to do with you or is it aimed at someone new?

He said he was not in town this weekend, so how come he has checked in at the bar in the city centre? Why is he posting memes about loyalty? Has he fallen out with the new Intimate Partner Primary Source? Are those comments about never trusting part of a smear campaign against you? Why are the pictures of him and you still up when he is no longer seeing you? Why have the pictures of you and him been removed so quickly at the end, does he not care at all?

Where is she? Who is she with? What is she doing? What does this mean? Why has he gone there? Who is that person in the picture? Why did he not take me there? Why is she with him? Why has he chosen her?

Questions. Questions. Questions.

And you went snooping on the social media to get answers. You may get some, but more usually you will only generate more questions. Even if you gain some answers, they will lead you to want to learn more, you think you are playing detective, piecing it together, but all you are continuing to do is engage with the narcissist by doing something in relation to the narcissist (viewing his or her social media), then talking about what you find with other people (often at length) and/or ruminating over it.

Always the questions? Always the pondering?

Think you have gained some knowledge? Maybe, but your emotional thinking will make you think you are making progress and keep you hunting. If you do not turn something up at first, your emotional thinking will keep you hunting again, convincing you that everyone has something on social media and therefore the answers will come in due course.

But this is not breaching no contact is it? After all, it is not as if you are spending time with the narcissist or talking to him. There is no direct contact and how can he even know that you are looking at his Facebook posts, watching his Twitter feed, spying on his Instagram activity?

Firstly, the narcissist expects you to be doing this, such is the entitlement and grandiosity. Thus, Thought Fuel will be generated, for a short time at least.

Secondly, by engaging in this you are of course inviting being impaled on The Devil´s Pitchfork. You may not be providing any fuel, but you will be suffering an adverse consequence because you will become confused, irritated, hurt, angry and so forth and thus you are losing. You are also increasing your emotional thinking and thus remaining on The Narcissist´s Wheel of Misery. You will not reduce your emotional thinking by engaging in this activity and furthermore, by keeping it high, you will keep engaging further, hunting, sifting, analysing and spying. With the continued consequence as you go round and round and round.

You do not need to know what the narcissist is saying, doing, seeing or boasting about.

Your emotional thinking corrupts your empathic trait of truth seeking to make you think this is a necessary and logical step.

It is not.

You are breaching the first golden rule of freedom.

You must halt this activity and the the most effective way is to remove yourself from social media (for a time at least) and ensure you do not look at the narcissist on social media in any shape or form.

Get Out.

Stay Out.

3 thoughts on “This is NOT No Contact No. 3 – Checking Social Media

  1. Asp Emp says:

    The first time I used FB, I used another name for the first 2 years I had an account. I only informed a small number of friends. It was around a year before another school friend ‘found’ me on FB (LOL).

    I activated the settings to not let people know when I was last ‘active’ (or even active at the time I was on FB).

    I suppose, unconsciously, it was because of ‘invasion’ of privacy on muvver’s and sister’s part, the abuse from narcissists that ‘prevented’ me from sharing with every Tom, Dick and Harry that I was on social media.

    In some way, I still have the ‘same views’ about using social media. I don’t like the fact that FB has ‘control’ over a lot of the social media sites ie WhatsApp etc. I don’t particularly like these sites either. I started to feel like ‘Fk Off’ when the prompts came up that you can ‘sync’ all the accounts together.

    It’s all too ‘invasive’ these days.

    Even the ‘friends’ I had made at college, I did not keep in contact with because I did not really have anything in ‘common’ with them. Then after a 30 year ‘hiatus’, I get a message out of the blue. Less than a year later, I had unfriended them all as I still did not have anything in common with them!

    I am not ‘obligated’ to anyone to be a ‘friend’ with them on social media when I have not been in contact with them for 30 years.

    Is it because of the abuse I had when I lived at home? Is it because the ‘system’ let me down as a child? Probably.

  2. Louisa says:

    Do you think reading these posts are firing up too much emotional energy?
    Perhaps, yes, you might agree. However, the suffering from discard becomes ever so burdening, we truth seeking empaths have your valuable commentary thus distracting us from surfing our Narcissistic demons.

  3. Pamela says:

    Sweetheart I don’t follow your rules. I’m an inherent rebel to anyone’s rules. Checking social media verses communication… about you get off me and my devices and Internet.

    I’ve got a question. Is it really devaluation if you’ve never met or talked to the pups? I never felt devalued.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

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