Caught In A Lie




I have explained previously that lying is like breathing for our kind. Lesser and Mid Range Narcissists tell lies and believe them, they are their truth. They do not recognise that they are lying and therefore there is no question of guilt, remorse or conscience because they do not see that they are doing something which is seen as wrong by you. Such is the joy of ignorance.

Greater Narcissists tell lies where some are believed by the Greater, the True Believer Status of those narcissists which operate in the rarefied atmosphere of control, power and privilege and are responsible for many of the glories and ills of the world you inhabit. However, much of the lies of the Greater are conscious lies and are told because of our innate Machiavellian nature wherein the end justifies the means and therefore there is nothing to be lost by knowingly lying and everything to gain. Unhindered by guilt, conscience or remorse, we will knowingly tell lies to serve our needs which will include the sheer entertainment of knowing we are lying and the impact it has on our victims.

What about when the narcissist is caught in a lie? Many of you will have witnessed this. The Greater is not caught in a lie because the sheer force of our lies, the level of our intellect and the extent of our scheming means that the lie is either undetectable or if it is, we are not caught in it. There is always an exit, whether that is through charm, massive plausible deniability or the operation of some manipulation, the Greater may occasionally have a lie exposed, but is never caught in it.

But what about the the Lesser or Mid Range Narcissist? You will have caught them in a lie on many occasions. What happens and surely their reaction means that they know they are caught lying?

No, it does not.

If you boldly accuse a narcissist of lying or you are less candid so you present a contradictory state of affairs between what the narcissist has said and some other evidence, what will you be met with?

This amounts to a challenge to the narcissist. You will be presenting Challenge Fuel and thus there is no wounding. However, your challenge to the narcissist by suggesting, forcefully or with subtlety that he or she has lied, is stating that the narcissist is wrong and thus you are offending the narcissists sense of superiority and seeking to pin accountability on the narcissist. You are not allowed to do this.

These challenges to superiority through our sense of entitlement to do what we want and need and to the lack of accountability threaten our control. Thus you will meet the First Line of the Twin Narcissistic Lines of Defence, which is denial.

You will be told that you are wrong, that this never happened, that you are incorrect, that you are making scandalous accusations, that your memory is haphazard or that you are making things up. All of these things and others amount to denial.

Denial will be maintained again and again and again until either you give up (thus giving the narcissist control and your challenge has ended) or you present something (usually independent corroborative evidence (such as a text, a picture, a video recording or somebody else’s testimony). If you do the latter you break through the First Line and thus you expose the lie.

This means the narcissist MUST in order to maintain control, fall back to the Second Line of the Narcissistic Twin Lines of Defence, which is in effect, any other manipulation and we have plenty of those. To understand more about the Twin Lines of Narcissistic Defence, read The Narcissist’s Twin Lines of Defence.

However, if you break through the First Line and present evidence showing a disconnect between what the narcissist says has happened and something else, has the narcissist not seen that he has lied? Does he not gain knowledge that he has lied? Is she not now fixed with realisation that she has lied?


The reaction you see is not of realisation that a lie has been exposed but instead the reaction to the loss of control, which you, understandably (because of your worldview) but mistakenly, see as realisation of been caught lying.

It is not.

It is a realisation that something is not right. The unconscious loss of control manifests in a conscious response through the application of the Second Line.

Thus, this is why the Lesser or Mid Range Narcissist does not know that he or she is lying and does not see the lie has been exposed, they merely sense a threat to their control and you become the problem which results in the application of a further manipulation through the application of the Second Line.

Dependent on the school of narcissist, the response may be plausible or be completely ridiculous, but it will be used because the narcissist is blind to the lie. All that matters is asserting control and quashing your challenge in some way.

You may receive some ridiculous comment which lacks credibility but it will be accompanied by a manipulation such as physical violence, smashing the phone on which your evidence is presented, a circular conversation, a bout of projection, a sudden massive word salad or any other form of manipulation from the many at our disposal, but it will always come.

It is akin to those films where someone is home alone and the madman or monster bursts into the house. The victim falls backwards, frantically scrambling away and reaching for anything, absolutely anything to use against the advancing threat to counter it. Sometimes the victim will reach for a gun and shoots countering the aggressor, thus that narcissist came up with a plausible response to being caught in a lie, sometimes the victim throws a knife, a candlestick or a rubber chicken. All have varying levels of effectiveness – just like the plausibility of the lie. Often you will still see through it, but it is the accompanying manipulation which enables the narcissist to scramble free of being caught in the lie.

You know the lie has been told, but that is not the issue. It is control and that is what the narcissist seeks. Even if the lie remains live and on the record, if control has been attained by punching you, flouncing off, shouting at you or embarking on a thirty minute word salad monologue then that is all that matters.

But now, let us hear from you, when you have caught the narcissist in a lie, share with us, those absolute corkers and belters that would have Pinocchio embarrassed. Explain the circumstances and what was said and then look at what else happened alongside it to realise how it is not so much the lie that matters but the need for control.


12 thoughts on “Caught In A Lie

  1. Anna says:

    My experience with a narcissist spans over 50 yrs and only the last few years did I hear the word narcissist. I had no idea that she was doing all these things, I thought I was crazy, and strangers (to me they were but they new her) felt the same, treated me the same contempt, that I was a sex addict who took husbands away from their wives etc you get the drift. One day (almost 6 years ago now) I rang her and asked her why did she treat me like this ( too much to type lol) I was even crying saying did I do something to you as a child and you can’t forgive me? And I went on to tell her how she delights in ppl’s pain. In the whole conversation which was one sided she didn’t say a word. She rang me the next day and threatened me, she would make me regret it, I said what r u talking about. She felt empowered. It was weird. I lost all my nieces and nephews, my 30 yr relationships (who were family) every person in my family is not speaking to me. All who enter the family by marriage or girlfriends can’t stand me and show it.

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Anna, RE: your last sentence. I am sorry you are experiencing that. It must be soul-destroying for you to be so isolated. It is not an easy situation to be in. How are you coping with this? We are here for you if you need some support.

    2. lickemtomorrow says:

      Anna, I’m also sorry you are going through that. My Matrinarc also rules the roost with family and ensures she smears me to keep her control. It’s devastating when others believe what they are told without even questioning. I’ve often walked away from these situations without a fight as just the fact she’d gotten in before me meant I had little chance of reprieve. I never asked her why she treated me the way she did because I knew the problem was with her, but it was so subtle it was also hard to put into words. She was the “Silent Assassin” who made sure that what she did to me wasn’t seen or went unnoticed by others. Or, alternatively, they sided with her to stay on her good side. It was a tactical move on their part. She held the power, so in their minds it made sense for them to do that. HG has a couple of articles that speak to these elements of being smeared and the occasions where we are disbelieved due to the hold the narcissist has over others.

      Let me just reiterate what you probably already know – you did nothing wrong and have no need of your mother’s forgiveness. The phone call you made to her likely just ‘fueled’ her and you hit the nail on the head by saying she felt empowered by that.

      It is very isolating and AspEmp is right when she says we are here for you if you need support. There are several of us, I believe, in circumstances where we are estranged from family through no fault of our own, but purely through the circumstances of narcissism.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        LET, thank you for the mention 🙂

        1. lickemtomorrow says:

          You are welcome, AspEmp 🙂

    3. Joa says:

      The mother of “my N” is like this. She separates everyone from him. He’s always the bad guy (he actually is now). In one-on-one contact, she idolizes him and has an “incredible bond” with him that others can only envy (and she thus holds him).

      He’s bad for the world, best for her.

      During our relationship, I listened to tirades about “my N” every day. Bad, bad, bad, hurts everyone.

      At the same time, she discussed with me and with him every element of our “relationship”. She triangulated as efficiently as he, his ex. She controlled the whole thing perfectly.


      My mother is simply the best and no one can match her. Without her, this world would not go round 🙂

      “Terrorizing with love” – ​​that’s what I always called it 🙂

      1. Joa says:

        It was supposed to be: “Terrorizing love”.
        All my mom.

    4. Helen says:

      Here’s what I have done: For the past 5 years (since I figured out my N mother), I started watching her very closely. Every time she exhibited narcissistic traits, I started noting it down in great detail (a lie, an exaggeration, pretending to be the next best thing to God, playing victim when she was exposed, tending incessantly to her looks and her health usually at the expense of others, using people, extorting people,pretending to be a philanthropist and a very nice person when she was doing it to show off, wanting me dead and trying to achieve it in a number of backhanded ways ever since I was a baby etc etc.) Slowly but steadily, I started remembering also things and behaviors that she exhibited in the past. Eventually, I managed to put together a document of 90 pages approximately. To that, I added the list of DSMV criteria for Malignant Narcissism. I, also, added a lot of hyperlinks to articles from the web on Narcissism. THEN, I SENT THIS OUT TO ALL THE RELATIVES THAT SHE HAD MANAGED TO CONVINCE THAT I AM THE DEVIL IN DISGUISE. I CAN’T TELL HOW REWARDING IT WAS … FOR THE TIME BEING, SHE IS ON THE EDGE BECAUSE SHE CAN SENSE THAT SOMETHING HAS CHANGED IN EVERYBODY’S BEHAVIOR BUT SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHY BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT I’VE DONE. I INTEND TO SEND HER THE SAME DOCUMENT IN 2-3 MONTHS TIME … I CAN’T WAIT …

    5. k mac says:

      50 years? You win Anna! Or lose? Either way God’s speed sweet soul ❤

  2. k mac says:

    He would lie even if there wasn’t a need to. Remember I am married and was a ipss dirty little secret. He told me we would be seeing less of each other because he had met someone new. He had met this new promising person at the gym. Turns out he was back with his ex. My kids hang out at his house all the time. Did he think they wouldn’t recognize her. Kristinas back they said. I immediately text him ” you’re back with her?” Yeah he says. What the hell ! Why did you lie? He said “why does it matter?”. I said it doesn’t thats why I don’t understand the lie! He then turned on me with if you’re gonna be a bitch we are not gonna see each other at all. Classic.

  3. Pamela says:

    I know I sound silly with the bibletalk speak, but I have no condemnation for you. I see this as a massive inner network of emotional protections processes you’ve created to make sure you aren’t hurt by people like you were when you were a kid.

    I never have any hate for you or ill will.

  4. A Victor says:

    Years ago, before cell phones, my ex had books for his job that he moved all his phone numbers into each time he used one up. I never paid attention to them, until one time after he’d been doing his job for probably 15 years. On that day I wasn’t trusting him much any more, so when I saw an odd number that didn’t have a name attached, I called it. It was a sex phone line. When I brought it to his attention later, he claimed it was his office, the one he called multiple times each day, in another city. Haha. Asshole. No, I did not believe him. So many lies from this man, this was actually a small one, and by that point I didn’t really care any more.

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