But Why Did The Narcissist Do That?
I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.
“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”
I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.
Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?
This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.
You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,
“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”
It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-
- You must know what has happened and make sense of it
- You want to make things right
- You want the wonderful golden period again
20 thoughts on “But Why Did The Narcissist Do That?”
I saw a question posted online that I thought was interesting.
“Why would a parental narcissist refer to themselves in the third person when interacting with their child?”
I really don’t know. The only thing I can think of is the avoidance of responsibility / accountability.
Trying to imagine this in use by a narcissist.
“Mummy told you not to crayon on the wall. Mummy now has to send you to your room.” ( I am not sending you to your room. She is.)
It distances, there’s a grandiosity about it. A further emotional separation between parent and subservient child.
Best I can come up with I think. Needless to say I didn’t attempt to answer the question!
“A petition to block James Corden from starring in the forthcoming film adaptation of the blockbuster musical Wicked has passed 50,000 signatures.”
OMG HG – are you Mikel Miller?
This article and “But How, But Why, But Who” have helped me tremendously but I’m still struggling to understand why empaths are so fixated on verbal communication as opposed to non-verbal communication and the behaviors they observe in the Narc, as all are forms of communication. Why is it that we must hear in words from the narcissist why they did what they did instead of relying on our own interpretation of the non-verbal communication we receive from the narc and the behaviors we observe? There must be a common thread in empaths as to why they don’t trust their own observations and act upon them.
You’re correct. There is a common thread. All empaths carry an addiction to narcissists. The addiction gives rise to Emotional Thinking which is essentially flawed logic. This causes us to make poor decisions as regards the narcissist. We disregard the red flags and behaviours that we intuitively pick up on, in favour of subconsciously feeding our addiction.
Understanding the addiction is key. You can find everything you need to know in The Addiction Triple Package available in the Knowledge Vault.
TS, fantastic synopsis of the addiction. I need to memorize it.
Thank you AV.
Truthseeker, thanks so much for the insight. It’s quite eye-opening. And thanks for the info about the Addiction Triple Package. I appreciate it!
You’re very welcome. There are some lovely people here on the blog, all of them willing to help and point you in the right direction to find what you need. It’s a really supportive place to be, I’m glad you found us!
Amanda, there’s something to it.
Sometimes I talk to myself to find out more or understand better, ha ha ha 🙂
Or I read the text aloud to “absorb” it better.
My sister does the same and my daughter seems to be going the same way 🙂
Not to mention that we sink into our own world so much, that the words come out of our mouths without realizing it 🙂
On Saturday, my sister told me, that when she was in the health clinic, she said aloud: “You are wrong!”. She felt ashamed because she said it into the air to the inner interlocutor 🙂
Indeed, words are very important to me. Speech is a very important element of communication that a human has achieved.
Of course, the narcissus had to come and broke 🙂
Joa, thanks for those tips. This is all very interesting!
Oh HG, you explain this so well. Are you able to comment on this in the light of myself and many who have had very long term relationships/marriages. Why/how could the narcissist do that for 10/20/30 years and then run? I first came across your work via a share of your GOSO youtube clip on a Runaway Husbands forum. When I first heard GOSO it was a great relief …..FINALLY, someone you ‘gets’ it AND can explain it clearly and honestly. I know what you say is correct, however I still struggle to understand how someone can keep a lie going for so many years….was any part of the relationship true? This question still plagues me. Could you write something from your experience on this please? There are so so many women on this forum, I had no idea that Runaway Husbands was a ‘thing’. I have read stories from women who were married from 10-40 years and the husband up and leaves, no word or warning, just like that. Gone. I am not saying there were no problems over a 20 year period, but like me, those women thought it was all part of marriage and the husband echoed his love consistently right up until the end. It is beyond challenging getting to the other side. Thank you HG!
If the husband is a narcissist, the departure arose because of a disengagement trigger (see The 5 Disengagement Triggers or 5 Reasons the Narcissist Leaves You (video)).
Your question about whether any part of the relationship was true is an expansive one and I recommend that you arrange to consult with me, so that I may answer this and the many other questions you have SimiC as a new arrival here.
This is a terrific article and imperative to our understanding.
You have the most incredible knack of knowing about other people and the way they tick. To be a fly on the wall for just a day, to watch you work, would be very interesting, I have no doubt.
I had this with a new squeeze just this weekend past.
I had returned from the gym on Sunday morning to her still in bed and she complained that I had bought more stuff over. I had stopped at the supermarket for a paper and some stuff for me for the week and a bag of spinach for a planned roast dinner that evening.
Took her coffee in bed saying I would have brunch ready for 1pm. She came downstairs and to two types of mushrooms on toast, scrambled eggs and hash browns and veggies sausages from M&S. OJ and Coffee on the table as well.
Similar to the weekend before and the weekend before that…
She came downstairs and on her way to the bathroom said “that’s too much food” (no worries I would have eaten any leftovers as i had just spent two hours at the gym so she could sleep in).
When she got to the bathroom she started shouting at me because I had used another hand towel.
She came back into the dining room and continued to berate me for using another towel. I apologised and said “how about thanks for making breakfast? It looks lovely”
With that she launched into a massive verbal assault and told me to fuck off and stormed out of the room. I was very taken aback by this but having been a keen student of HG for over 13 months I decided that I ought to cut my losses and run. I decided to collect my stuff, leave the key she got me cut the night before and GOSO.
She’s been in touch today but I asked her to block me and I have done the same. Blocked on social media, WhatsApp, e-mail and number deleted. I asked her to do the same.
Once you know you go.
“With that she launched into a massive verbal assault and told me to fuck off and stormed out of the room.”
That had to be the clincher.
Good for you – acting quickly once you realized!
It sounds very… narcissistic 🙂
Chimpezium, can I just say I’m a little take aback by your expression “my new squeeze”. Was she your girlfriend? How did you establish your relationship? I’m only asking because you seem to be very cut and dried about how it all went down, and while I don’t like the sound of her behaviour it seems she had been quite accommodating to you in some ways. Obviously she allowed you to stay at her place, got a key cut for you – just the night before – GOSO is a great way to dump a chick if she’s not living up to your standards. At the same time, you were obviously very obliging in making her breakfast and so on. I’d say you have come to the right conclusion to let her get on with her life and for you to do the same.
You sound angelic! Albeit a little overwhelming!
It’s very difficult to spot a narcissist based on that one interaction. I agree with LET, best for you both to go your own ways and GOSO.
“She came downstairs and to two types of mushrooms on toast, scrambled eggs and hash browns and veggies sausages from M&S. OJ and Coffee on the table as well.”
She doesn’t deserve you. I would have loved that brunch, what a mean person. RUN. You don’t need her to block you (she won’t) but good job blocking her. She will try to hoover.
May I ask what two types of mushrooms?