The Key To Entry

 

THE-KEY-TO-ENTRY

 

With the brief injunction from my mother to ensure I spoke up or suffer the consequences I returned to the consulting room of Dr M. We took our seats and he smiled before adjusting his suit trousers, pulling them up at the thigh. I cast a quick glance to his nether regions but no hole had yet emerged.

“Now Mr Tudor, we did not make much progress last week. It is of no concern. I wondered if you perhaps felt more amenable to speaking with me on this occasion?”

I started to nod and then spoke.

“Very well.”

“Excellent. What would you like to talk about?” he asked.

“Why am I here as in why am I sat in your consulting room,” I clarified before he started providing me with some smart alec response as to the meaning of my existence. I knew why my family had insisted that I see Dr M and more recently underline the necessity of speaking to him, but I wanted to know what he thought. That way I would be better prepared to deflect him.

“Why do you think you are here with me?” he answered casually. Marvellous. He was one of those people who answered a question with another question.

“I asked first,” I pointed out. He nodded.

“Your family are concerned about you.” I snorted which seemed to take him by surprise.

“Those bastards only care about themselves.”

“Why do you say that?” asked Dr M seizing on my remark.

“It does not matter, go on, you were saying.”

“Your family are concerned about you. I met with them and they provided me with background information. I am aware that you are a high achiever and have always been so. Your family are concerned however that you stop at nothing to get what you want, that you have disdain for most people and you leave a trail of carnage in your wake. I think that is a succinct way of putting it. They want me to discuss this with you and to receive my opinion.” he explained.

“It’s bullshit all of it,” I remarked. My voice was low but the venom was tangible. Dr M remained silent.

“I have no idea what they are talking about. I stop at nothing to get what I want? They have never complained about my achievements before. They don’t like it that I am outshining them. That is the problem here. They always do this. Try and make their problems my problems, I am sick and tired of it. I have forged my own path and done bloody well too and all they want to do is bring me down. It is jealousy. That’s why I have little to do with them. Did they tell you that? I bet they tried to make out that I am aloof and never attend family gatherings didn’t they? They never invite me to them. I keep in touch most with my younger brother and he tells me about these gatherings and I always find out after the event. Did my younger brother speak to you?”

Dr M nodded.

“Who else?” I asked.

“Both your parents, your sister, your younger brother and your cousin, Charlotte.”

“Huh, the usual cabal. All of them are liars. Do you have any idea what it is like having to put up with all of them? My god it is a wonder that I am a success. My mother is always trying to pin the blame for her shortcomings on me. She would love to plant a microchip in my head and control me. That would be ideal for her. She has controlled my father for years. He isn’t a bad fellow really but he fell under her spell and believes anything she says and if he dares not to well let’s just say he has suffered the consequences too many times before so he has learned his lesson. It’s weak of him and I hate him for being like that. He should stand up to her rather than be her metaphorical punching bag. Always tries to keep the peace at first and then takes her side. He is brainwashed and my sister is just as bad. Jesus she always defers to my mother, but then she could never make a decision for herself. So Charlie has weighed in as well has she? Do you know why doctor M? It is because she wants me for herself and I won’t let that happen. Bet they did not tell you that did they? She is totally in love with me and because I have rejected her this is how she goes about paying me back by making up lies about me. I would not put it past that harpy to try and section me you know. You don’t want to believe anything that lot say to you.”

Dr M was jotting down the odd note as I spoke. Yes, make some notes Dr M and you can tell them what I think of them. How dare they? How bastard dare they make out like I am the one with the problem. I should be used to it by now but it still infuriates me. I stood up, agitated at this unwarranted attack on me.

“This is what they always do doctor. I am the one who was suffered at their hands. Years of it but they twist it around and try to pin the blame on me. I have made the best of a bad hand and they cannot stand to see me doing well so they conjure up this. Liars the lot of them.”

I was pacing up and down in front of the fireplace and fighting to resist the urge to grab one of the logs and hurl it at the large mirror which hung above the fireplace.

“I wish they were all dead doctor, you have no idea. The times I have wished that they would get wiped out in some car accident or a building falls on them when they are inside. They have made my life hell and just as I am pulling free of them they pull this stunt. I hate them. I am surprised at my brother joining in with this as well, I thought he had some sense.”

“Your brother expressed considerable concern about you and wants to help you,” offered Dr M.

“I don’t need any help. I suggest you fill your sessions with them. You will have plenty of material for your shrink times or whatever publication you write for. My mother is a control freak with a drink problem,my father is spineless, my sister is a professional victim oh yes, ask her about her failed marriage but make sure you have the bleeding heart and violins to hand. My cousin, well as I said, she is a lecherous nymphomaniac and as for my brother, he has gone down in my estimation joining this cabal of perfidy.”

I spat the words out as I waved my arms around, windmilling through the air. I felt a little better for this explosion of annoyance and I returned to my seat and sat down. Dr M was still writing.

“So Dr M there really is nothing to see here. I know you will want to make some money from us and I respect that, you are like me, you see an opportunity and exploit it. Nothing wrong with that. Let me give you a tip. You need to suggest working with those liars and parking your involvement with me. You have nothing to achieve here but as for them, well you will make a fortune sorting out the quagmire that is their lives.”

I sat back and smiled as Dr M continued to write. I had spoken up just as she had urged. I had done as I was told. Again. This time though I was fighting back.

5 thoughts on “The Key To Entry

  1. Duchessbea says:

    HG,
    I’m sorry to read this to see what you went through. On the one hand, it is a great place for you to have your say and show your anger. But on the other hand, I’d be careful, as Dr. M, will be reporting back, and your siblings, parents, and cousin will get to hear about your thoughts and feelings and that could be used against you. But, I know you can handle it.
    I am just sitting here wondering if your mother, would have had a more empathic nature, could you have gotten a more empathic side.
    I know what you say about yourself here on this blog. But the more I read about you, I see a man who has a lot of integrity, dignity and decency (but you hold back from showing it in everyday life, – understandable).
    You know, the more I read about you, the more I am very intrigued.
    Best,
    DB

  2. Asp Emp says:

    This is one of my favourite articles, because it reveals some of your attitude, anger, some clarity.

    Reading Dr M’s ‘statement’ “Now Mr Tudor, we did not make much progress last week. It is of no concern. I wondered if you perhaps felt more amenable to speaking with me on this occasion?”- there it is, the blame-shifting, as if it were your fault. In my opinion, a true ‘therapist’ would not have uttered those words at all. A therapist who understands ‘people’ would have understood the difficulty of clients not having attended therapy as such and not having had the experience of ‘opening up’ and talking with someone else when they are still learning about themselves.

    Just like me when I attended “therapy”. This time, only while on KTN, I was able to ‘open up’, talk, share about my past and all the while learning to understand myself.

    “I snorted which seemed to take him by surprise”, that was funny. LOL, I can understand the ‘snort’, like ‘WTF, are you serious?!’ response.

    “It is jealousy”. I’d agree, it is partly that. It is also because you were / are a threat to their control, where you are better at achieving what they have not achieved – an inner strength, partly ‘forced’ by the abuse you endured. They sensed you were stronger than them, not just because of your intelligence. They feared you, instinctively and so they ‘responded’.

    “he tells me about these gatherings and I always find out after the event” – that happened to me too. Absolutely NO excuse to use the fact I was at school. BS.

    Since the last time this article was posted, I learned some ‘new’ facts about some aspects of your past via comments, and through the Knowing HG series. Because of these, I am reading this particular article with different ‘eyes’ and ‘approach’, with more clarity in understanding the ‘creation’ of you.

    It certainly would have added to your inner fury at learning (at this session) that it seems your brother had let you down. You’d trusted him and this hurt you, increasing your anger at ‘them’.

    There are 4 ‘perceptions’ in this ‘session’. Yours. Your brother’s. The family’s. Dr M’s.

    HG, I am sorry that you ‘suffered’ so much. Thousands, millions of others did too, over the Millennia. Because of what you endured, you started KTN that leads to people having access to understanding, education in a way that it has never been done before. A new and unique style of education.

    Thank you, HG x

  3. changed4evermore says:

    Reading this gave a sense of release in the anguish we all have carried around from “the “family.” It was great to hear (read) you expell your thoughts away from you and onto paper.

    1. Joa says:

      I agree. It gives some kind of relief. We very often touch upon our family ties with my friends. We know the stories of family members, almost like our own 🙂

      Asp Emp, K Mac, merciful hearts of you 🙂 Look at how many human stories can be found here, how much harm and suffering. And yet… we try not to carry this harm any further.
      Although it does not always work…

      HG’s speech reminds me very much of “my N”.

      I feel sorry for sister HG. I sense her type of slave (or that’s how I “designed it”).

      HG, did you have an intimate/physical or an almost intimate/physical relationship with your cousin Charlotte?

  4. k mac says:

    Sorry about your brother HG. I’m sorry for everything that has caused you pain. I mean that.

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