All Alone



Do you ever get that feeling that something isn’t right? What was that noise you heard just now? Was it in a dream or was it real? It sounded like an engine. A deep, throaty engine that you recognise and have heard many times. You sit up in bed and see that it is nearly three in the morning. You tilt your heard and listen, ears straining for that familiar, dread sound.

You hear nothing. Perhaps the engine has been killed and that vehicle is sat outside now. Am I say in the pool of darkness cast by a fence, alert and watching your house. That knotted sensation is quick to take hold of your stomach as you slowly emerge from the bed. You move carefully feeling as if the rustle of the duvet or your bare feet on the floor will make a sound that I can hear.

You know it is foolish for my hearing is not that sharp, but you are placed on tenterhooks and accordingly move in the same way. You make your way to the window where the curtains are drawn. You feel like flinging them back in one sudden motion hoping to make me jump. You see an image of my face pressed against the window, devilish leer prominent and unnerving.

Carefully you move the curtain a fraction and peer through the gap. Your range of vision is limited and you cannot see everything but my vehicle does not appear to be there. Am I watching those curtains which I used to gently pull apart once upon a time? Or am I prowling about the outside of your house, looking for an open window or an unlocked door?

You have held your breath, not daring to breathe, your drumming heart loud and roaring in your ears and you wonder if you mistook that sound for the one of my car engine but you know what you heard. Perhaps I had just driven past? How many times have you seen an anthracite black Mercedes from the corner of your eye as you have walked to the shops, headed to a bar or emerged from work?

Your heart leaps every time you see one and your eyes dart to the registration plate to ascertain whether it is my car. Of course, I might have changed cars now. You do not know for sure. You want to drive past where I live and ascertain which vehicle I drive so that you can keep an eye out for it, but you fear that I may see you doing this and derive satisfaction from your appearance. Something does not feel right. You experience this sensation often these days. T

he hairs on your neck stand up as you feel that you are being watched. When you are about to emerge from your office building you stand behind the glass and chrome scanning the plaza outside for any sign that I am stood there. You think you have spotted me twice but then I departed, evidently alert to your perception. Once you walked leisurely from your place of work to the car park but now you scurry, hoping not to be spotted and hoping that your car has not been tampered with.

Your eyes follow the same drill. They flash over the windows to ensure they have not been smashed. You look to the windscreen wiper to see if a hate-filled note lies tucked beneath one of the blades. There have been several although they are always printed so you were never able to demonstrate they were from me (you wouldn’t be able to anyway – I have them printed on a lieutenant’s PC not my own, I am no amateur). Y

our eyes look over the external bodywork for signs of scratches, dents and lights smashed before you check the exhaust and tyres. You never get in without ensuring nobody is lurking in the back seat and once in you lock the doors automatically and then allow yourself to breathe.

Something does not feel right. It is the same sensation as when you walk anywhere alone. Your steps are hurried, furtive glances cast over your shoulder, alleyways scrutinised, walking by the kerb, away from gates and hedges. You cross the road when a shadowy figure walks towards you.

Often you have someone accompany you but it is not always possible. You pull the curtain aside a little so your range of vision is increased. You can see all to the left of your house but nothing appears to be amiss. You look to the road but you cannot see any vehicle but then again I might be parked around the corner and now stood in the shadow of a tree watching your pale face peering out.

You look to your mobile ‘phone, always charged and ready and consider calling the police, but what would you tell them? You think you heard my car engine? They have been out once this week and although they are always polite you gain the impression that the officers are beginning to think that you are hearing and seeing things. You can tell. Their polite reassurances do not entirely mask the resigned tones with which they speak. Should you call the police? It might be sensible.

Even if I am watching, the arrival of a patrol car should send me slinking away and what about if I am caught lurking outside at this time? That would be good. Then again, perhaps you should wait until you have some concrete evidence, until you see me and then you should call. You do not want the police labelling you a time waster, but something does not feel right.

You shift your position so you can look to the right and silently curse a kink in the curtain as it is obscuring your view. You will need to push it aside and this will surely alert me to your presence. With trembling hand, you move the curtain and then crane forward so you can look over the garden.

With experienced ease you let your eyes drift over the garden, the wall and the fence, looking for shapes that do not belong. Your eyes stop on something in the corner of the garden, where the wall and fence meet, a pool of shadow. Is there a figure there? You stare, eyes adjusting to the darkness and wait. You feel light-headed as you stare trying to see if that inky shape is me or just the imagination that these days seems to be out of control.

No, you cannot see anybody. Your eyes scan the garden again from your lofty vantage point but you see nothing. What if I am underneath the window, tight against the front door and hidden from view? What if I have gone around the rear of the house? You did lock the side gate didn’t you? You cannot remember. You think you did but you have so many repeated checks before retiring at night that it has become something of a blur. All gates need to be checked, windows closed and locked with keys removed – even during summer you endure the heat rather than keep your windows open.

Door handles are tested twice and twice more. French doors pulled and pushed to ensure they are secure. It is a nightly ritual but a necessary one. A friend suggested a dog but who would look after him whilst you were at work. You once felt safe here, especially when I lived here with you, but no longer and moving, in the current market is not an option. Maybe a lodger would be answer? The money would be welcome and so would the company, but this is your home and you resent being forced into these steps by my lingering presence.

Every day when you return from work you sweep the house making sure there has been no entry during the day. You look for anything that has been moved or is out of place which denotes whether a listening device or camera might have been placed in your living room or bedroom.

You were pleased you changed the locks straight away when everything went wrong. You ought to have the place professionally swept. You used to wander about the house naked but no longer, you even feel uncomfortable standing in the shower, nervously glancing upwards looking for the winking red light denoting that a camera has been placed on a shelf and you are being watched.

Nowhere feels safe from me now. Your sleep is fractured and this had led to you struggling to gauge whether your fears are real or imagined. There are too many withheld calls still, the empty texts from unknown numbers and strange voicemails left at work. You know I am still out there somewhere and you have no idea what I might do.

You can see nobody outside and consider whether you ought to check the rear but you really need to sleep. You lower yourself and sit on the edge of the bed, listening for something, anything. You are met by just the blanketing silence. No throbbing engine, no footsteps on the drive outside, no creeping advance up the stairs, no shattered glass, no jemmied door.

You continue to look outside but nothing is moving. Maybe it was a dream? No, you definitely heard that distinctive growl of the engine but maybe it was further away or someone else with the same vehicle. That is possible isn’t it? Your breathing slows and you begin to convince yourself that it was another false alarm. Still, you have that feeling that something doesn’t feel right.

You feel as if I have been near. Your eyes shoot to the wardrobe, mind suddenly filled with the thought that I am inside it, peering through the slats and amusing myself at your fearful expression. You try to shake the thought but you cannot. A sudden ball of anger forms inside of you and with a cry you jump up and fling the wardrobe doors open and drive your hands into the clothing inside, you push and pull but find only dresses and tops, suits and jumpers carefully hung up. I am not there.

You close the doors and run back into bed, jumping into it, like a frightened child who has to run from door to bed so the monsters under the bed do not grab her ankles. Once in that bed, you are in a cocoon of safety. You pull the duvet over your head and lie there, curled up tight in a ball, cursing me and breathing hard.

Eventually you emerge, face warm from breathing under the duvet and you are grateful for the cold air of your room. You lie back and allow yourself to gradually uncoil, ears still listening out for a sound but there comes none. You glance at the clock and see it is now 3-15 am and you really ought to sleep. You roll on to your side and adjust the pillow, praying that slumber visits you soon. If only that feeling that something is not right would leave you.

Morning arrives and you emerge from bed bleary eyed but thankful that you have at least slept. You attend to your usual routine in the bathroom before dressing and heading down the stairs ready to prepare some breakfast. As you descend the stairs you halt as you see something is lying on the mat underneath the letterbox in the front door. It is square and plastic.

It is only 7am and the post man has not yet been although you did not hear anybody put anything through the letter box. You slowly pace down the stairs as that sensation of something being wrong engulfs you. You see it is a CD case that has been deposited. That is not right. Nobody has borrowed any of your CDs. Something is definitely not right. With churning stomach and laboured breath, hammering heart and rising nausea you pick up the CD and turn it over to read the cover.

The Police: Every Breath You Take

That was one of your favourite songs wasn’t it?

Until I told you what the lyrics really meant.

10 thoughts on “All Alone

  1. Wendy says:

    This is a big trigger for me!

    My ex narc while in the lovebombing stage knew that I wanted to hire a housekeeper to come and clean for me. He insisted that he pay for the housekeeper. The weird thing about it is he insisted that he have his PERSONAL housekeepers drive all the way from the state he lives in to my home about a 2.5 to 3 hour drive each way. He sent them to clean for me twice during the 6 months we were together. I wondered about it but just shrugged it off as him caring so much for me and being Mr. wonderful! Ha! 🙄

    I swear I think he had something planted in my home, a camera or “bug” or something. I have had the exact same feeling that you wrote about in this article so strongly. He is a computer engineer and I know he has access to technology the normal person wouldn’t!

    My television will turn off and on by itself sometimes but only the power light comes on and then it will turn back off after a few seconds. The remote is on the side table when this happens. My daughter laughs at me when I tell her about this and I’m sure I sound crazy to her, lol. But, she doesn’t quite understand the manipulations, threats, and abuse and what it does to us.

    HG, should I have my home “swept” to find out?! I have this uneasy feeling all of the time. When the dogs bark at night I am at the windows checking outside and checking locks. Just like in this article! He threatened that he would track me back then since I was not “ trustworthy anymore” once devaluation started.

    Maybe I’m being paranoid but I don’t think so. He also had cameras set up in his apartment while I was there but convinced me it was just for extra security while he was at work. They were on all the time! He said none were in the bedroom but I’m sure he probably had one hidden!

    I really want to believe I’m overreacting. It’s insane the amount of fear and anxiety they place on us. Tell me I’m just being paranoid! Or should I have my house checked?! 😳

    Has anyone else had this type of thing happen?

    Sorry so long!

    Thanks HG in advance for your recommendation.


    1. HG Tudor says:

      This is an expansive matter which would be benefited by advising in consultation.

      1. Wendy says:

        Got it, thanks!

    2. Asp Emp says:

      Wendy, RE: your first paragraph, that is interesting to read. My grandfather ‘took on’ my grandmother as his ‘housekeeper’ and he was also married. Hmmm….it seems that this ‘scenario’ does not really ‘change’. I don’t think it can be classed as far as a ‘throuple’. Apparently his wife ‘fell’ down the stairs whilst pregnant. I’ll never know more of this ‘story’.

      Wow, to read about you referring to ‘Something Does Not Feel Right’ article with regard to the inner ‘alarm system’.

      As for the tv – maybe have someone check it out? Could be connection / interference from nearby masts etc, or even electrical goods. Recently, my tv was “behaving” strange – apparently it was ‘weather conditions’, I just left it and it was ok after a couple of hours. I had to re-tune it following some changes in the channel stations changing around.

      I can understand why you’d be thinking this way and having a chat with HG may help you put some things to rest. HG will have come across this ‘scenario’ that many other people will have had similar experiences. I hope you can get these resolved and start to rest.

      1. Wendy says:

        Asp Emp, omg! Wow, that’s crazy! I’m not sure I’d want to know more of that story!

        I feel silly now reading my post because I’m sure he did not do that but moments come and I just have a weird feeling.

        This article really struck a chord in me and got my paranoia up and running, lol. I’m thinking about the consultation. It would put my mind at ease I’m sure and if not I could at least start the process of “sweeping” the house.

        Thanks Asp Emp! Always good to hear your take on things.

        1. Asp Emp says:

          Wendy, thank you for your response. Let’s just say, that I ‘became’ into existence and grandmother lived til 92 years old….. there’s an uncle I never met.

          Don’t feel silly – it happens to most of us.

          A consult with HG may help. More often than not, it’s the psychological side of our mindsets that needs a ‘sweep’ from time to time. You’re doing ok, Wendy 🙂

    3. Leigh says:

      Hi Wendy, if it was me, I would have my house checked. Its quite possible you will find nothing but at the very least, it will alleviate your discomfort once you know for sure.

      1. Wendy says:

        Thank you Leigh, much appreciated!

    4. Z - zwartbolleke says:

      Hello Wendy,

      reading your story, yes book a consultation with Mr Tudor on this matter, for the price of the consultation you will stop worrying and either be sure there is something wrong in your house or be sure your emotional thinking is high and you need to apply logic to explain what is happening. It is not worth worrying like this in your own house, you need to feel safe in your house. If you enter well prepared to the consultation, the money is well spent and you will be so relieved afterwards!

      To use logic at this moment: let’s consider: why would this person have a camera in your house? What is the benefit for this person? Is there a benefit? If there is, think why there is a benefit and I you can do something about this.
      If there is a camera, it needs your internet, can you switch your internet off?
      Also, get a VPN, and couple it to your router, problem solved! That way you can be sure no one can acces your internet.
      (uhm, yes unfortunately I had to do research on this subject for myself)

      1. Wendy says:

        Z-zwartbolleke, thank you for this information. It makes me look at it in a different light. I suppose because he used to threaten me about having me tracked and having those cameras in his home it’s given me some paranoia about it. I will order a consult with HG for some peace of mind. Also, will be looking into what you just told me to do with the router and internet. It’s sad we have to research this stuff because of the narc but it does empower us. I do want the peace of mind!

        Thanks for your response and great advice! It’s much appreciated. 😊

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