5 Fears of the Narcissist
1. You will leave
You are our primary source of fuel, our life giver and without this precious fuel we are thrown into chaos, impending oblivion on the horizon. You signed an unwritten contract to supply us with potent and delicious fuel until we decide to the contrary. It is our decision. It is not yours. We know what we do to you, the repeated push and pull, the games, the abuse and whilst we rely on our significant powers of manipulation and your near indefatigable desire to heal, hang in there and make things work, there is always that slight doubt that perhaps this time we have gone too far? There is an iota of concern that this is the occasion where you put the pieces together and realise what you are dealing with and therefore you decide to escape us. Leaving us when we have not ensured your replacement is in place or that he or she is working to maximum efficiency places us in peril. If you leave our fuel supply has been fractured, maybe even cut off. If you leave you have wrested control away from us and this is not something that can ever countenance. If you leave you are telling us that we are not the superior being we maintain that we are, you are pouring scorn on our might and undermining our magnificence.
2. I am ignored
There are those for whom the spotlight of attention causes them to flush with embarrassment, that searing heat which makes them feel uncomfortable. That is not the case for us. Its light brings us warmth and power. We need the spotlight like plants need the sun. We bask in its brilliant blazing light and revel in the attention that comes with it as we drink deep of the fuel that is provided. Should you ever move that spotlight away from us, the icy chill of the cruel and desolate world we have been placed in becomes all too real and this wounds us. The removal of the light of attention criticises us and strikes at our core. All eyes should be directed on us, ears should be pinned back in appreciative listening of our oratory, attention should be focused on us. It is about us, not you. Whether it is just you or I, a group of friends in a bar,a family gathering or in a meeting, everyone should know that we are there and they should be reacting to our presence. We do not care how that reaction comes so long as it is laden with emotion. If you ignore us you are telling us that we are worthless and that takes us to a place that we have consigned in the depths of our minds. Never ignore us, we cannot stand for that to happen.
3. I am exposed
Whether it is the unmasking of us as a narcissist or the revelation of my abusive machinations when you do not know fully what you have become entangled with, the fear of exposure lurks within us. Of course we will react and fight against it, of course we will deny, deflect and withdraw from your treacherous behaviour in telling the world what we are. We will paint you as a liar, a crazy person and a fantasist even though, for those of us who are aware enough, the words you issue are arrows of truth that rain down upon us tearing and wounding. Whether it is exposure in terms of you, as a primary source, telling us what we are or the wider unmasking to our carefully constructed façade, we fear this happening because it hurts us, it burns and it wounds. We will fight back, we will seek our retribution against you for this most heinous act but this requires precious energy which we would much rather use in a more productive way. In the worst of cases, your revelations force us to new hunting grounds which means we must re-build our twisted empire afresh. It will rise again but we would rather not endure the agony that this entails or the effort required.
4. I grow weary
The mindset of the narcissist is one of coming as a god to walk this earth, a colossus astride this planet, leading and forging ahead as my massed ranks of admirers watch on in awe and wonder. I am omnipotent, immortal and unstoppable, my power endless as I seduce, abuse and recycle. There is so much fuel to drink up and I will never stop. Yet, occasionally that scintilla of concern manifests. What if I were to lose my powers? What if the ability to seduce started to wane? What if I lost the appetite to abuse and slay? What if I said the unsayable and admitted that I am tired of this endless routine? What if I no longer had the hunger or desire to stalk my hunting grounds and wanted an end? What if I wanted to remove my demagogue’s crown and vacate the throne, my appetite diminished and senses dulled? What would I do then? I soon shake off these terrible considerations but they remain in the shadows, occasionally calling to me. I dispel them as quickly as the manifest but still they come every once in a while.
5. The creature escapes
What if as a consequence of all the above we can no longer keep the craven creature within the prison that we have constructed for it? What if one day it is able to breach the walls and emerge from the depths of is incarceration so that it surfaces, hissing and tormenting us, its once whispered threats becoming a reality. What if it takes us to the edge of the abyss and forces us to look into the great void, oblivion just a step away, the howling winds of desolation whipping around us. Sometimes and it is a rare occurrence, but when all is still and dark this thought forms in our vast minds, this awful, terrible thought as we feel the craven creature’s clawed hand against my back, ready to shove us over the edge……..
18 thoughts on “5 Fears of the Narcissist”
I feel you, I’ve been there. I send you a hug.
HG, my God,
When you take away the people who keep intruding on me, everywhere I go, the way I feel inside is utterly tranquil. Tranquil is the word the best describes it, and also content.
Opposite of the creature.
So when you say I’m Codependent, you are wrong.
I have a Codependent friend. She’s very anxious. People always say I’m calm.
She partners with hideous men, so she’s not left without a narc. I partner with men who are even more beautiful than me. My standards are sky high
HG, you are the best and most attractive man I have ever known.
I’ve caused a major exposure not deliberately but my truth seeking nature couldn’t let it rest.The narc left me in the dark and was reassuring me with lies. I’ve asked a third party what’s going on and I got to the person first before the narc was able to tell lies. My evidence was very convincing also. But when the narc found out about my disloyal behavior I got cussed out by text and I was just only sending laughing emoji’s I’m so curious if that made the wound bigger with me not even care about him cussing me out and threatening me about disengaging? He eventually did disengage off course. The person I contacted wanted to know more about my story and actually told the narc my information was trust worthy! And the narc is a liar. Now I’m even more curious about how much he had hated me for continuing to bust holes in his mirage while disengaging me and pleading the other appliance to stop interacting with me and same time losing the appliance also? It was all not my intention to begin with but it just unfolded like that. I was just looking for the truth I felt was hidden for me and It kept me restless after being guilt tripped for such a long time.
I don’t think there will be any follow up hoover after this.
I have spent so much time feels sorry for my narc husband. Ultimately I feel like he is a broken shell of a human and I feel terrible that he is missing out on some of the most beautiful parts of life. It makes me sad. But then I have to snap myself out of it because he has tried to destroy me. I have to compartmentalize that empathy towards him to divorce him and stay strong with resolve to leave. I’ve spent the past day reading and listening Tutor’s work and I just feel so gross that I’ve been entangled with a twisted human like this for almost 20 years! He never loved me, and it took me so long to see it clearly. I also feel like I was also so close to wasting my entire life with him (unless he replaced me). I was the “anchor”. I’m not sure if that makes me just a huge co-dependent or really good supply source, both or neither. It’s a twisted life with these people.
LC, it is good to read that you have started your process to know about narcissism and to understand what addiction to narcissism is about. I understand your emotional thinking about your initial thought ‘reactions’ to suggest that you have “wasted” your life – you have not wasted time, you just did not know, nor were you aware. I also understand the length of time you have been involved is long and this would have an impact in itself. I would suggest that you put yourself first, you are more important to yourself rather than to the narcissist.
HG’s book ‘Sitting Target’ was useful for me at the start of my journey on KTN. If at any point you feel the need to, maybe consider a consult with HG to help alleviate some of your difficulties.
There is no fast and easy process, yet, you will find ‘yourself’ again. Stay strong 🙂
I think those whom narcissists target do not readily leave, ignore, or expose the predator (except in cases of severe pain caused by the narcissist’s abandonment or in defense to smear campaigns). As empaths, or codependents, the elected individual will care for the narcissist if he/she becomes weary (though these fears remain).
This text has destabilized me terribly. I have it all day in my head. I don’t want to think that, and I can’t think that.
I am immediately ready to forgive and erase everything, just to make someone smile and restore their strength.
Joa, I’m sorry to hear this article is upsetting to you, do you have any idea why? Maybe you’d be better not to share, I don’t want to upset you more, but we’re here if you want to… Sending you virtual hugs…💕
Yes Joa, this type of stuff appeals to our bleeding hearts. Made me go awwwww too.
k mac, good point about the ‘bleeding hearts’ which more often than not will respond to the narcissist’s pity play. It’s disconcerting when you realize what a sucker you have been, giving in to that only to have it thrown back in your face.
Joa, that is a hugely empathic response to this article and one which I feel, too.
It can be destabilizing, and in some ways that is the point of the article. It is part of the narcissist’s con to have us feel pity for them in order to draw us back in. Think of it as a ploy and nothing more. They really are not concerned about us, but about themselves. You can hear it in every word they say. A major pity play, though touching to us, is nothing but a manipulative effort to ensnare us again on their part. Remember when they threw us down from the heights? Walked away? Took up with another woman? Didn’t respond to our calls? Refused to support us? Left us behind?
Don’t be conned by the narcissist. He doesn’t care about you, or me, or her, or him.
Joa, I am reading your words here and I can ‘feel’ your pain. This article has made a ‘dent’ into your ET which is upsetting your LT ‘balance’. I can totally and utterly understand. When I first commented (Sep 2020), my ET was high, my LT was still in “unresolved” mindset over the past narcissists and I can ‘see’ my anger in my words on that comment.
Let’s turn this article around onto us –
# 1. You will leave
We all have fears that people will leave us at a time when we need them.
# 2. I am ignored –
We also used to get upset when a narcissist ignored us (silent treatment) but a narcissist does not care about us ‘hurting’.
# 3. I am exposed –
They expose us when they do the ‘smear campaigns’, expose us to isolation, defamation of character / reputation, lie to our friends and so on.
# 4. I grow weary –
We have experienced emotional, mental and also possibly physical tiredness because of the manipulations, the mind-games, the blame-shifting.
# 5. The creature escapes –
We all have ‘inner’ selves. The non-narcissist abused (ACONs) from young age can still be vulnerable as adults. So some of us end up ‘fighting’ harder to protect our ‘inner / vulnerable’ selves – because we became ensnared by narcissists via our addiction to narcissism.
HG wrote this article from a narcissist perspective where they make it all about themselves. What I did above, was to ‘translate’ his words to our perspective (with few examples) – imagine it as a mirror with a distorted reflection of two ‘aspects’. Theirs. And ours.
You’ll be ok, Joa. Have a virtual hug from me x
AspEmp, that was so beautifully expressed. Thank you for sharing those thoughts which for me go right to the heart of the matter. It’s important to consider the perspective if the tables were turned and how we are also affected by all the same things as the narcissist, but in a different way. You raise an important point around ET (emotional thinking) and LT (logical thinking) which you’ve helped to provide in spades with your response. Really appreciative of your response on this one xox
LET, ah, bless you lass and thank you for your words, greatly appreciated. Sometimes I view things in a way that ‘belies’ the original ‘process’ of “normal” thought 😉 – the same application of my lateral / analytical approach ie instead of starting at the beginning of a process, I may look at the end of the process and work inwards from there yet the end ‘result’ could be the same as the original ‘aim’. Sometimes it is not about looking at / in a mirror, it could be turning the angle at 180 degrees, or looking at parallel “dimensions” if you will. Or, even ‘re-directing’ the ‘line’ of process, ie via a ‘dot’ (as if using a triangle but not as triangulation from a narcissist perspective) – wherever the ‘starting’ point is. It is not just narcissists that can apply ‘shifting sands’ ;-). Good to read your words, thank you 🙂
Joa, I am sorry you were triggered by this post. Stay strong and know that it will pass. Big hugs and a Merry Christmas Eve to you! 🤗💕
Powerful, thank you for sharing that HG.
I was touched reading this text. I was very moved. To hug. For a while. Just for a moment.