Utter Disgust



You disgust me. How did I ever choose to be with you? How did I not see what you really are? You conned me. There can be no other explanation for what has happened. You drew me in and promised me so much. You offered all that I needed and now you have revealed your true colours. Another chameleon. I would have thought that I would have become more adept at identifying you by now but I suspect that you came with leaden tongue which was draped in sugar as you sought to lure me into your despairing world. I cannot believe that you behaved in such a way and after everything that I have done for you. This is the method of your thanks is it? You are a disgusting person to behave in this way. Building up my hopes, thinking that after so long searching and hunting that I have finally located the one that would always give me what I need. The sole supply of my strength, the bearer of joy, the provider of sustenance and yet you promised all this and when it came to the moment of reckoning you failed to deliver. I should not berate myself for once again I have been fooled by someone who came with obscuring smoke and confusing mirrors. I am but a simple and straightforward person who offers only dedication and a perfect love. You knew this yet you lured me in with your false promises and empty words.

How did you think I would react to such perfidy? With a smile and a “oh it does not matter”? Of course not. You failed me and in the most offensive way possible. You have insulted me, me of all people. You have caused grave offence through your disgusting conduct and that was why you had to be punished. It is not good pleading for clemency. You held a position of trust and you abused that trust in a foul manner. You were given complete and utter access to my inner being and you achieved this through manipulation and fraud. Your punishment accordingly must match this heinous crime. Look at you, snivelling and begging, the crocodile tears spilling down your face as you plead for leniency and another chance. How many chances must I give you? You have failed me so many times and you have taken advantage of my most generous nature. You disgust me. So weak and so pathetic. You thought you could break me but you could not. You thought that you could outwit and outflank me. Not a chance. You thought you could do as you pleased but I have found you out and for that you shall receive your comeuppance. Get up and have some dignity. By heaven, I cannot stand it when you behave like this. Your weakness offends me. I can smell the putrid stench of your pathetic vulnerability now that I have pierced that fraudster’s veil. The offensive odour is all pervasive and I want to vomit such is the disgusting sensation that arises from it. Get out of my sight, you turn my stomach. How did I ever think that you would be the solution? I must have taken leave of my senses but then in a way I did. You made me believe in something that was not real. You duped me. Me, me of all people, someone of my brilliance and intellect, taken in by the sleight of hand of a trickster. I cannot stand this association with something so vile as you. I despise you but I also despise myself for having ever chosen you. You promised me everything and I fell for it. I thought I knew better. I thought I had it all worked out, the path forward and the road to infinite excellence but you were waiting around the bend again weren’t you, you despicable bastard. You ambushed me and just as I thought everything was right, correct and well, you sought to topple me with your clandestine behaviours. Your deceit runs through you like a disease and you are riddled with it. Do you see how it causes your features to twist in some sick parody of what you are? The vitriol and the malice age you. It is bound to be the case for nobody can sustain such sick sin for too long. I suppose that is why you try and conceal it isn’t it? Your leering sick grin cannot be looked upon for it will reveal all your other warped features, the grimacing evil that stems from being such a disgusting creature as you are. I cannot stand to look upon you, I cannot bear to hear your screeching and pitiful voice which makes me shudder when I think how often I desired to hear it. Oh what a fool I have been to have been taken in by your promises. You have misled me over and over again. How could you behave in such a manner? Are you not disgusted with yourself? You ought to be. I can feel the bile rising in my throat as I contemplate what you have done to me and now as I see you for what you truly are. Leave! Be gone! I have no desire to have you in my eye any longer. My disgust overwhelms me and I must escape your presence. I said for you to go. Why do you remain staring at me and mocking me with those hooded eyes? Is there no end to your torturous ways? Stop looking at me. Stop it, I demand it. Perhaps if I shut my eyes and yes, you have gone. Ha, I am not finished yet. I have dispelled you but even as I keep my eyes shut tight I know that when I open them again you will have returned because I can never escape you can I?

Listen to ‘Utter Disgust’

16 thoughts on “Utter Disgust

  1. mollyb5 says:

    HG ..empaths feel disgust also . What is the difference. If Iam disgusted I try my best not to show it . I try my best to get over it . My daughter shows a disgust face with certain foods . What are some differences in the disgust of a narc or an empath ?

    1. Alexissmith2016 says:

      I think maybe there isn’t any difference in how we experience the feeling of disgust as such, more that their disgust for us when the GP has ended is unjust well from an empathy’s world view.

      I experience it too, I find it hard to disguise any disgust I feel. My face can be like a book when I’m not consciously thinking about it lol. Like when my nephew (a mini N) projectile vomited all over my kitchen. Yuck! My hubby was able to hide it easily

      1. alexissmith2016 says:

        feeling rather disgusted with myself reading that comment back and seeing numerous errors hahaha

    2. Asp Emp says:

      molby5, disgust is disgust. When it comes to this particular human response (one of the basic human emotions), it is unlikely to be a difference whether an empath, or a normal, or a narcissist experiences disgust. Yet, a narcissist may be ‘disgusted’ at something that an empath may not necessarily respond to as disgust. For example, someone does not like the colour brown, someone else may like it.

    3. jasmin says:

      Hi Molly!

      I hope that HG finds time to awnser to your question.

      I think that disgust as emotion feels the same to everyone and what differs is when we might experience it.

      1. NarcAngel says:

        I see the differentiating factor in disgust being in the nature and severity of the response.

      2. mollyb5 says:

        HG ..if I think about it , I rarely have the feeling of disgust . I get it when our sink is clogged ..lol. I could not handle being a Plummer. And I do remember certain times when I realized I did not love a person …because I did feel a total turn off from what they did. But they had no idea . I eventually left or ended the relationship each time. Never telling them why. So I think there is difference in how or when or why with a narcissistic personality . But a narc must feel disgust in a relationship more often …since he / she can act upon it with such hatred …..or find a distraction with another source of fuel to escape the disgust ?

      3. mollyb5 says:

        HG ..if I think about it , I rarely have the feeling of disgust . I get it when our sink is clogged ..lol. I could not handle being a Plummer. And I do remember certain times when I realized I did not love a person …because I did feel a total turn off from what they did. But they had no idea. But I eventually left or ended the relationship each time. Never

    4. alexissmith2016 says:

      In all honesty an N should actually feel utter disgust with themselves because of their reliance on us.

      They make me feel disgusted if they’ve ignored you for a period of time then coming along begging for help with something like they have absolutely no self-respect whatsoever. They will go low, low, low! yuk,yuk,yuk! and yet they feel no shame whatsoever for this? it makes no sense because the root of narcissism is self shame yet they can be so damn pathetic!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

  2. mollyb5 says:

    HG …is this a true feeling for the narc ….is he really just acting disgusted …or does he have this feeling ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, disgust is a feeling we experience.

  3. mollyb5 says:

    HG , the narc is disgusted in behaviors he was originally attracted to. He is disgusted in the empaths dependence on him, he disgusted that the empath doesn’t make a lot of money , he’s disgusted the empath relies on him , but then he asks and needs help with many work related situations . He is visually disgusted when you are present close by and he wants privacy ….his face will show disgust . Others I suspect have not seen this in their lives because they would be totally thrown off from what the look actually is … they may describe it as a confused face or a disappointment look on his face. I’ve seen facial expression books …and I know what the disgust lip and snarl look like.

  4. mollyb5 says:

    HG , this disgust is only ever felt by the primary . It is a perceived action done to the narc with his own perceived “off situations” that he is disgusted by . Sometimes even being overly kind or asking a question like …”where have you been ?”

    Or, waking up early to get the narcs clothes out of the dryer before he goes to work, and the Narc catching site of me so early morning in the laundry room on my day off …..but, he has to work….and the disgust upon his face comes over his mouth snarling lip and turning away to the fact that I would actually get up and do what his mother would have done. Then walking past me and leaving without any words of good by or have a good day. It’s the disgust look for acts that are not disgusting to an empath. It is for situations that are so beyond what a normal or empath would find disgusting. That is the difference. Of course disgust is kinda individual. But …seeing a partner with child and seeing a partner gain some weight ( when they usually work out regularly) Seeing a partner ask a question that’s off limits …or doing something sexual that a “mother” should never do ….even tho you are not his mother ? The disgust a narc has is a defense of his narcissism ? It’s far beyond what any other normal man would find disgusting ….right ?

  5. Asp Emp says:

    As I was reading though, I could also envisage (to a degree), an empath’s ‘reactions’ to their abuser(s), especially from an ACON’s perspective. An empath that may have severely reduced emotional empathy, to the brink of mental exhaustion, maybe even physical exhaustion – one that may appear to be teetering on the edge of their sanity.

    So, in my opinion, this article can be viewed as either a narcissist’s perspective, or an empath’s.

    Or, even when a person is going through a ‘delusional’ period ie having a psychotic episode where they are ‘arguing’ with a ‘voice’ in their head. It could be someone who is tormented.

    I have just re-read a comment I posted just over a year ago and I could see that I was applying my logical thinking, yet ‘spiked’ with raised ET at that time.

    I am also reminded of HG’s ‘Shade’ article, albeit from a different perspective to this particular article. And ‘The Narcissist’s Reality Gap’.

  6. Reece Bennett says:

    I feel physically sick after reading that.

    It reminds me of the time she announced her pregnancy of our first child. Her friend from work was present at the time.

    I was a bit lost for words and could not express my shock and surprise in words quickly enough.

    Quick as a flash she says “ don’t worry. It’s not yours anyway”

    And stomped off.

    Welcome back HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

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