Never Again

NEVER-AGAIN

 

I have lost count of the times that I have been told “never again”. I have heard it said by other people who have met my kind even more often. I am entirely relaxed when I hear this phrase because I know that although your intentions are to never go through that dance again with me or one of my kind, it will happen.

We may be gone for some time but we will return and when we do we will resurrect all those wonderful memories as we seek to Hoover you back into our reality. The emotional attachment that we create is so great that even though you looked in the mirror every morning and mouthed “Never again” to yourself you will struggle to resist.

You cannot help but wonder if this time it will be different. You do not want to say no for fear of someone else receiving our amazing and scintillating love. You want it. You learned the lessons and as the introspective empath that you are (as well as suitably conditioned by us) you will blame certain things on yourself.

You will convince yourself, because you want to taste that mesmerising kiss once again, that we have changed and that this time it will be different. Why should someone else get to experience that wonderful love? That is not fair. You put up with the rough and the smooth. You have earned your stripes so it is only right that you get to have us again isn’t it? That is what you want.

When we first departed and you saw (for we wanted you to see) that we had found someone new it ripped you apart. Notwithstanding the full horror of your dance with us you hated the fact that someone else now basked in our glorious light. You wanted to warn them not because you cared about that person but because you wanted us back. You wanted us to yourselves.

You felt a sense of unfairness that she was now with us. You would lie awake wondering if I was saying the same things to her as I had said to you. You wondered how she would respond to that blazing, heavenly love that you once relished. Would I be the same for her as I was to you? You kept telling yourself that it was only a matter of time before she befell the same fate that you endured, yet the postings and pictures told a different story.

You began to worry. Had I changed? Had I become a better person after you? Was she somehow able to please me in a way that you could not? You had to know. You had sworn never again but now you wanted me back. You wanted her to go away and free me to be yours again so that you could apply your learned lessons and everything would be wonderful again.

She did not deserve me did she? But you did. You made such sacrifices. You opened your heart to me despite the daggers I drove into it. You served your time and you are entitled to your reward. Not this Jane-come-lately. You want to give us that chance to prove we can do it.

You want to show you brought benign influence to bear. You want to prove that the beast can be brought to heel in the most compassionate manner. You might say never again but you do not truly mean it. Not in your heart of hearts.
By contrast when we say “Never again” we most definitely mean it. Never again will your life be the same after meeting us.

Never again will you feel able to trust anybody after being subjected to our acid reign.

Never again will you be able to smell certain scents, hear certain songs and see certain places without breaking down in tears.

Never again will you love someone in the way that you loved us. Never again will you want somebody as much and in such an intense way as you wanted us.

Never again will you be able to feel calm and relaxed since for too long you have been subjected to a heightened state of anxiety.

Never again will you experience that euphoria you once had with us. So when you declare never again it is never truly meant, but what you fail to realise is just how many things will never again be the same for you.

6 thoughts on “Never Again

  1. Asp Emp says:

    “how many things will never again be the same for you”.

    Exactly. Absolutely.

    I will never look at my life prior to July 2020 in the same way again. I will not necessarily feel the same way again. I can ‘see’ my past with such a clarity that I never thought I would even make sense of.

  2. Asp Emp says:

    HG’s written work, his blog, his articles, his audio videos tell us about narcissists and what they do. He also talks about how victims are impacted.

    I have just watched this programme. I would suggest that this is useful as a visual ‘version’ of narcissists as perpetrators and their victims.

    https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p0bf8t9c/stacey-dooley-stalkers-episode-1

    Why am I writing about it here? I was able to recognise the clear indications of one narcissist’s ‘behaviours’ as extracts of a letter was read out and a couple of comments about what HG refers as ‘pity-play’ machinations of a narcissist. The stalking. The threats of direct and indirect smearing etc.

    “Stalkers continue to stalk even after conviction”

    A victim stay in at home instead of going out (aftermath affects of being stalked).

    One convicted stalker said that he had a lot of time to ‘reflect’ while in prison. At one point, he did actually ‘change the subject’ (deflection) by saying his dad is old now (triangulation).

    Stacey called it “pattern behaviour”.

    Did I see ‘narcissism’ mentioned? No.

    In my view, Stacey comes across as an empath, a really good listener, communicates back well, hugs to show further compassion and to aid soothing the victim. She also does not come across as too judgemental, she states her views but at the same time, she does see both side of the coin, so to speak. She understands people very well. She understands situations very well. There is honesty, decency. She displays her ‘empath’ very well. I enjoy watching ‘Stacey Investigates….’ because of how she comes across. She’s personable, approachable, easy to understand, she’s concise, accurate and connects with all kinds of people.

    One victim gave me the impression that there is an element of HG’s words “The bond we create with you is so powerful, so deep and so long lasting that it is often the aftermath of the ties that bind that hurts more than the abuse itself. That is how dangerous we are” (The Importance of Binding You To The Narcissist). Maybe this victim does not know about narcissism, does she have an addiction to narcissism? I do not know because I do not know anything about her to offer an answer.

    What Stacey said towards the end of Part 1 of ‘Stacey Dooley : Stalker’, “You’re never, really, truly free”. Her words. HG’s words “The only true disengagement of our toxic entanglement is when of us dies. Only then is there finality”(Til Death Do Us Discard).

    Thank you, HG. Your education has me recognising narcissism in reality programmes and I get excited when I do 🙂

    Thank you for moderating this comment.

    https://narcsite.com/2020/11/12/how-to-handle-a-narcissist-at-court-3/#comment-386566

  3. k mac says:

    It is true, I will never be the same. Can something that has been shattered ever really be whole again? I mean, I’m whole in the way that humpty dumpy looks in the story books. I may be in one piece but all cracked up 😄.
    But I’m not broken because of him. I was broken to begin with. I was walking along a sliver of of hope when he decided to pounce. There was no golden period. No song and dance. I wasn’t duped by him. All he had to do was give a quick poke to the back of my shoulder and down I went. That stupid moron doesn’t get the credit for breaking me.
    I can say never again. I’ve learned my lesson. Besides, I have the best Tudor one can have to remind me.

    1. Asp Emp says:

      k mac, I understand. You are not broken, just being ‘re-configured’. And ‘evolving’. Every human is evolving, every day but they do not stop to think like that, or look at it like that. Even if you go slightly ‘off course’, you can stop and ‘re-configure’ the way forward.

      You had me laughing at “That stupid moron doesn’t get the credit for breaking me”. Thank you for that 🙂

      1. k mac says:

        Thank you Asp ❤

  4. Asp Emp says:

    https://narcsite.com/2020/03/27/never-again-13/#comment-346952

    This comment made me laugh out loud. My idiosyncrasy responded at reading what may come across as a small amount of narcissistic malice, with a hint of a Smiling Assassin’s grin 🙂

    Also grinning at HG’s response to that comment.

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