I See Sanctuary

I SEE SANCTUARY

When I first meet you and I look into your eyes I find a certain sanctuary. Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to me. I can see the hope, the desire and the adoration burning in your eyes. Be they brown, blue, green or grey I can see the promise of salvation. That is why I try so hard to win you over. I apply everything I can think of to ensure that you stay with me so I can gaze deep into your eyes and drink the delight, trust and admiration that flows from them.

You have no idea how much I need to see those things. The more I show you love, affection and how interested I am in you, the greater the radiance that shines towards me and the sanctuary that you have created for me remains in place. It surrounds and protects me, keeping the pain and the hurt at bay. It is a simple formula; I shower you with affection and attention and you return to me that magical protection in the form of how you look at me.

The admiring glance across the restaurant table, the wide-eyed desire when we are in bed together, the simmering passion as I undress you and the sheer adoration as you quicken your pace to cross a room or a road to meet me. I need that place of safety and respite. A sanctuary where I know that the whispering, taunting voices will be silenced. A place of salvation where that cold-fingered dread cannot grip my throat and silence my scream of terror.

Those draining shades that manifest from a past which I try to consign into oblivion cannot reach me in this place. That is what I hope for and believe every time somebody new enters my life. If I can just keep you sending me the power and the protection arising from those magnificent eyes then I will be safe. I apply my every effort to maintaining that gaze which will keep the darkness and the foul creatures lurking amongst it at bay.

Everything I do is geared around making you feel happy, loved and wanted so that you will keep looking at me in that way and preserving my sanctuary.

Yet, no matter how hard I try, notwithstanding every effort I apply to maintaining your state of joy and happiness, you let me down. Each time someone new appears I am given renewed hope that this time the sanctuary will be permanently preserved and each time you fail me.

Why do you do this to me when I try so damn hard for you? The burning admiration that you exhibited towards me suddenly dims. The adoration that blazed across the room has lost its intensity. The shining lustre of desire has become dulled. You do this to me and in so doing you turn the key of the gates, lift the heavy bar and push them open. You do this on purpose don’t you? You breach the citadel so that the screeching, moaning and howling tormentors that have gathered beyond its walls are admitted to assault me once again as they try to pull me into the abyss of insanity.

The craven creatures slither forward, their mucus-covered tendrils slipping and sliding as they seek me out, determined to coil about me and drag me silent with terror into that place I must not go. Why do you do this to me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? All I have ever done is love you with a perfect love to cause you to generate that sanctuary and now, with no warning or help, you allow the paradise to be violated by those that seek to harm me.

I am left with no option but to fight them. To muster my strength and seek to defeat these agents of darkness by gathering my rage and anger. I must lash out in all directions, often and without restraint in order to stop my tormentors from destroying me. It matters not who is caught up in this frenzy, it is incidental whether you or anyone else finds themselves collateral damage from my necessary defence of my being. I fight and fight and fight, it is exhausting but it must be done. I have to survive until the next promise of sanctuary is identified and drifts my way.

There I will find peace and a place to restore my waning strength. Is it you?

Perhaps this time the sanctuary will remain intact.

6 thoughts on “I See Sanctuary

  1. Asp Emp says:

    https://narcsite.com/2015/11/22/the-eyes-are-my-sanctuary/#comment-90756

    Reading the words in this comment –

    Where I am concerned, in relation to me, as an individual – in the past, I never felt ‘safe’ enough because the ‘security’ was not present. I didn’t have a safe ‘place’ to leave what ‘haunted’ me. ‘Healing’ is not quite the right word, because the past is part of you. It is how you manage it, how you process it through your mind and emotions, how you apply the understanding and keep telling yourself (re-training the way you think) NOT TO GIVE UP even when it seems it is tough-going.

    I can tell the difference. When I said recently, I no longer feel (sense) my ‘darkness’, it does not ‘re-appear’ when and since then, time and time again – when my ET spiked up and it does, it has done, a number of times. Yet I did not permit my ET to control me.

    “Your mind is an instrument, learn to be it’s master, not it’s slave” (unknown author).

    HG’s work became my ‘saving grace’.

    1. A Victor says:

      That quote is great!

  2. Rebecca says:

    My narcissist commented about my eyes often. He would say things like, he could see the many thoughts running through my head, he saw my doubt, my fear, my mistrust and my many questions. It’s true I doubted his feelings,something just felt off to me and I kept making mental notes of his odd behavior I kept seeing, but when he started devaluing me. I recognized that behavior from my childhood. OH, I SEE NOW, I thought. There you are, I see you and the game you’re playing. Mr. Manipulator I got your number now. I see you.

  3. A Victor says:

    We let them down because there is a breaking point, a point at which we crash and burn or run like hell. Only to be caught in the tendrils of another one, if we haven’t found HG’s materials in the meantime.

    1. Alison says:

      We let them down because we are held to an impossible standard. Eventually there will come a time when something else urgently requires our attention… A child, an ailing family member, a friend in distress… All things which most people would understand, but they don’t. All they see is a reduction in fuel. There is no empathy, no understanding. You are just painted black. It’s all or nothing with them.

      1. A Victor says:

        Exactly. And what’s even worse, even in a perfect (for them) world where we could devote 24/7 to them in every way, they’d still get tired of it, bored with it, disgusted by it etc and we’d be turned black and devalued anyway. There is no winning, for us. Except GOSO and NC.

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