The Narcissist and U-Turns

 

THE NARCISSIST AND U-TURNS

 

Contradictions. About turns. Doing one thing and meaning another. Those are staple ingredients in becoming entangled with our type. Of course the Lesser and the Mid-Range of our kind do not see the contradictions. To them, their behaviour makes absolute sense even though when it is viewed from your perspective there is a clear contradiction in what has been said or done.

This naturally frustrates, upsets and infuriates you as you attempt to make us see that you are correct and we are not. Or to make us see that we have behaved in a contradictory or hypocritical fashion. You will not succeed. The Lesser or the Mid-Range does not do this deliberately, it is just how they are. The Lesser reacts. The Mid-Range realises that denying and deflecting what you are trying to get him to see causes more upset and frustration and that makes him feel good.

He does not know why this is, he does not know the concept of fuel, but he knows the more you react the better he feels. He also knows that he does not like to be held to account or to be seen to be the one who is to blame, for anything, thus he will not accept any suggestion of contradictory behaviour because it is inherent with such an accusation that there is blame attached.

The Greater knows that to twist, to turn, to shift and to alter allows the emotional responses to flow and to become heightened. He knows that what he does is viewed as contradictory but he will not accept it. He must portray control and superiority at all times otherwise he will find himself damned. He revels in switching from one position to the other, within moments and then seeing if you dare to point out this shift in stance. Should you do so, he will deny and deflect in order to frustrate you, to upset you and to alarm you.

The use of volte faces is part of the process of gas lighting also. An insidious and effective method of controlling you, eroding your sense of perspective and forcing you ever backwards until ultimately you know nothing other than our warped truth, yours having been dispelled some time ago. Making you a stranger to your own reason is evidence both of our power and our abusive behaviour. Thus the use of contradictory behaviour, the volte face, is prevalent when we commence the devaluation. Here are five you may know well.

  1. The Joy Has Gone

We once showed such enthusiasm for Indian cuisine and would often try to find the latest and most exciting restaurant for us to both go to. It might have been the zealous delight we exhibited at the prospect of going hill-walking with you, or discussing the latest production at the local theatre. You loved how we connected over these shared interests. Of course it was all mirroring. We love what you love. Now there is no need to do it anymore. We care little for Indian cuisine but since you loved it so much, we decided to do so as well. Hill walking is tedious. The only thing we liked was being on top of the world. As for the theatre, if we have to sit through another obscure play we will explode. Still it was worth making you think we loved all those things as it made you easier to bind to us. Keep listing everything you think we have in common and I will pick that list down to nothing.

  1. The Compliments End

I embedded you as the supply of my positive fuel and you functioned well so you earned those further compliments. Now there is no need to provide them. Oh I am aware that you look even better than you did when we first met, that you are trying hard to tease the compliments for me in order to try to stave off that nagging fear that you are losing me, but it is to no avail. I know you are trying your best to please me, accommodate what I want but all I now look at is someone who irritates me. You see, if I had loved you like someone healthy, I would not feel like this now, but because I never did, there is nothing to prevent the feeling of contempt and annoyance which washes over me each time I see you. But where are the compliments? Somebody else has them now.

  1. A Sudden Realisation

Do you know something, I love my ex. I do. You have made me realise this. I thought I did not know what love was until I met you (I vaguely remember saying something like this to you some time ago) but come to think of it, I knew all along and it is my ex that I love. Not you. Thanks for the distraction whilst I worked things out. What? I said she was abusive and a psycho? No I did not. There you are, you have just proved to me why I cannot love someone like you. Good bye.

  1. But You Thought I Hated That

Why have I gone to that classical concert when I said to you that I could not stand classical music. I don’t recall saying that. Stop trying to tell me what I like and do not like. You are so controlling. I have always enjoyed reading books, where on earth did you get the idea from that I did not. Yes, I love strawberries, they are delicious and I love eating them, I never told you I was allergic to them. Stop making things up. You need some help. You keep twisting things around and I don’t like. it There you are. That is something I hate. What you do.

  1. The Sudden Complaints

Must we really go to your parents this weekend? So what if I have never complained about it before? That doesn’t matter. I am doing so now because I want to isolate you from them. I suspect they do not like me and I am not going to let them put ideas in your head, so they have gone on the black list and I will now issue complaints about seeing them in order to drive a wedge between you and them. The more isolated you become the better. I will start to complain regularly in order to stop you doing things and in order to upset you. That is the way I operate now. Don’t you dare complain about it.

12 thoughts on “The Narcissist and U-Turns

  1. leelasfuelstinks says:

    My MMRA suddenly liked certain attributes on me, which he did not like before. It was the other way round. He did not like my hair color. A couple of months later he loved it! He did not like my pierced nose. A couple of month later he complimented my nice piercing. I guess, I do not know, but I guess, that devaluation of IPPS commenced at that time.

    1. A Victor says:

      And they say it as if they never said the first thing to begin with, which only adds to our confusion.

  2. Asp Emp says:

    LOL “he would play a victim and apologize all over himself” and “in true narc fashion”.

    RE: one commentor sharing about meeting his family – MRN I knew had a 2nd house that was used as a ‘dumping’ ground by the whole family until he was “motivated” by me. I’d been helping him (through the ‘50 Future Fakes’ – too kind of me!) and was ‘introduced’ to his wife. She initially came across as ‘ballsy’, I was polite but ‘smacked’ her down with some facts about renting properties (without being snarky). She never really engaged with me after that but I’d certainly get ‘black’ looks from her but she’d smile so sweetly and innocently to other people. He did ‘complete’ the house for renting, to his daughter who claimed benefits, hmmm ‘let’s keep it in the family’ because no-one else is ‘entitled to our money’ (even if it is from public funds!!). In doing so, he was ‘securing’ and ‘embedding’ his NIPS (grand-daughter), NISS (daughter), IPSS (wife), triangulating with other daughter NISS (initially lots of negative fuel from her) & other grand-daughter NISS / NIPS when it ‘suited’ him (eventually triangulated with other grand-daughter when old enough to communicate), 2 sons (who’d be ‘used’ as coterie against their mother, they’d all take the piss out of her for being fick). And lots of other IPSS, including me. Full time job, including IPSS (boss), IPSS (co-worker), lots of NISS (colleagues, external contacts). My, he was a busy ‘people-pleaser’ but selfish with it. He had plenty of fuel sources, yet it was never enough.

    He and his wife would not have ‘cottoned’ on that he / she was only ‘number 1’ until first child was born. Unbeknown (unaware narcissists) to both, being secondary sources, or further down the fuel matrix, only to be given ‘respite’ when they ‘served’ each other residual benefits via tool ‘maintenance’ (sex) when it came to ‘ensuring’ continuance of fuel. Maintaining the parasitic facades within the ‘family’ to outsiders looking in.

    He had far, far more ‘pipelines’ compared to the fu*ken Lesser. So, in that respect, he was, in fact, a very ‘successful’ narcissist fuel-wise. No, I am not congratulating him, far from it. Just sharing how ‘enmeshed’ and ‘dysfunctional’ one family of unaware narcissists can ‘survive’.

    I am so glad to be out of that. To be free of that narcissistic scrap-heap of malfunctioning battery-operated (not powered by Duracells either!), armourless Daleks.

  3. ava101 says:

    The exnarc is a completely different person.
    And I know that what he shows to others isn’t necessarily the truth.
    But he makes it out so that he is suddenly a happy family person with a steady job and house – when before, he was the opposite.

    HG,
    I know my ex moved to a different country because he was in trouble with his business. I know he married to get a different name and to get a mortgage, a house. etc.

    What I don’t understand is how he, who used to change every 3 months or so, manages all of a sudden to live this life incl 2 children in the house (he never wanted children).
    He even said he impregnated her to stay with her. She was still married to another guy, with a child, when he met her.
    So the ex went through lot of hassle ( though her divorce might have been entertaining to him), married her as soon as possible.

    —>> What I don’t understand is, how he goes through with this, for 5 years, when he normally changes places, jobs, people, identity, all the time.

    How and why does he do this?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Why do you continue to focus on the life of the narcissist after the relationship has ended? That is the question you should be asking.

      1. Nadine says:

        Dear HG,

        and how is YOUR answer of these question?
        Please, write about.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Already done so repeatedly.

        2. Violetta says:

          He finds another IPPS, if he wasn’t working on one already.

        3. Truthseeker6157 says:

          Nadine, Ava 101

          The narcissist will behave differently with different IPPS in line with the need to assert and maintain control over the appliance. The YouTube videos about the narcissist and marriage discuss this concept in more detail. I have attached one for you below.

          https://youtu.be/MTh-8Cow4VU

      2. ava101 says:

        I am nooot focusing on his life, but on mine. I contact him once every 2 or 3 years, because I wanted his professional input (useless), and I HAD thought he was the only person I know who has certain things in common with me (lifestyle wise). He can be of course very charming,…
        But 0 contact noe, all blocked.
        I do find it important to understand the ways of narcs, so I can spot them. I have improved 300 percent or so.
        I had wondered the same thing about the husband of a friend, eg…. there’s no doubt he’s a verbally and emotionally abusive narc, who impregnated and married her to bind her. But how did he tolerate it all during lockdown…. apparently they did almost split up, and drank a lot and worse.
        So I think if I understand my exnarc that I can understand dynamics of others better, and also protect myself better.
        My exnarc called lockdown with his wife and inevitable fights “high energy”.
        However, he is 2000 km away, and getting his energy boosts from. someone else.
        Am focusing on me, and doing well except foe never meeting non narc men ever.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are focussing on him. You know about what is going on his life, you are asking questions about what is going on in his life and making comparisons between the dynamics. Rather than acting defensively because I have pointed out errors on your part, take note of what I wrote.

          1. ava101 says:

            I knowwwww… but because I wanted to learn. He is like a guinea pig to me now. It is also about understanding my father. The contact is 100 percent over… it was from the second he let his charm slip.

            I am not even dating, because I only focus on designing my life, and I have 0 narcs in my life now, incl. my mother. Not reacting to ex narc like lover from 5 years ago who suddenly learned to write nice emails (yes I had blocked him, he used a different email address).
            Yes, thanks to you.
            And except for you. 🙂

            Last narc I had to do with was a short term landlord and I “beat him” with his own weapons (or his delusion) while wasting almost 0 energy or time on him. Because I understood how he functions.

            Avoiding all narcs makes socializing very limited for me though.

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