My Secret Garden



Would you like to know what my garden is like? Before I tell you, why don’t you stop and close your eyes and picture in your mind’s eye what you think my garden looks like? That’s right, conjure up the image that forms when you think of me and what my garden might be like. Take your time, move around it and ensure you have given it due consideration as you generate the image.

Have you done it? Did it take you long? I suspect you managed to envisage it rather quickly didn’t you, after all, you are well-known for your amazing imagination aren’t you? I often find I have to apologise for your fantastic tales and over the top comments, but that is to be expected of somebody like you. Anyway, let’s leave your behaviour to one side for the time being (although I will return to it when nobody is looking, you can be assured of that) and let’s consider what you created in your mind.

I should imagine that the landscape you have formulated is one of two outcomes. I expect that some of you will have pictured nothing but concrete. All plant life and flora banished by a solid slab of grey cement that has solidified into an impenetrable barrier that stretches in all directions, lifeless and uninspiring. Once there might have been a flourishing and verdant garden but it has been banished by this concrete covering which has extinguished anything that grew or blossomed. If the concrete carbuncle is not what you saw in your mind then you will have opted for the alternative.

You will have pictured solid, barren and lifeless soil which will not sustain anything of beauty. A toxic and poisonous stream flows through the centre of it, dead fish floating on their backs as they drift lifelessly along. Not even algae grows on this polluted stream. The few trees there are in this garden are dead. The bark grey and lifeless, forlorn limbs stretching into a dark grey sky, where there is always cloud. The branches and twigs are leafless. The bushes consist of brambles which hinder anybody who might try and move through this uninviting place. There is no grass and there a few brown, dried-out husks which suggest there might have once been something greener and vibrant. There are no sweet smelling flowers here, only the awful stench which rises from the slow-moving stream which looks more like treacle than water. Even the weeds are few and far between, struggling to find any sustenance from the sterile soil.

Is this what you saw?

Come and follow me as I take you into my secret garden. I produce a key from my jacket explaining that very few people ever get to see my secret garden but I am letting you inside because you are special and I like you. I open the thick gate and usher you inside. You do not see me hurriedly lock it behind you since you are busy staring at the beautiful garden that rolls out before you. Capability Brown must have laboured long and hard here. The lawn is flat and even, the grass has been rolled so that stripes have formed and there is not one blemish to be seen amidst the green, green blades. The edges of the lawn have been carefully cut so that no grass overhangs so that there is a distinct line between the lawn and the flower beds. The soil looks fertile, well-nourished and is free of weeds. A dazzling array of flowers grow from this well-tilled soil.

Strong stalks reach up towards the azure sky, shiny leaves sprouting from the stalks before the injection of colour appears. Every shade of the rainbow is represented amongst the many varieties of flower that flourish in my secret garden. Brilliant blues, fiery oranges, ruby reds and sunshine yellows abound. The flowers have short petals, long petals which move in the gentle breeze, there are bell-shaped flowers, trumpet shaped flowers and others shaped like stars. White, purple, scarlet and ochre all combine to create this tapestry of beauty. A stream gurgles as it passes through the garden, cutting across the magnificently manicured lawn, so that an intricate bridge has been created allowing one to traverse from one side to the other. Bushes ring the flowers, an expert in topiary having crafted them into sensational shapes. Beyond the bushes are the trees, tall and trimmed so that they form a fence around this paradise. You stand on the edge of this magnificent garden utterly transfixed. The scents waft from the roses, from the lilies and the sweet William combining to create a heady concoction of fragrances. You are over awed by this display.

“Do you like it?” I ask.

You are dumb-founded, unable to speak. All you can muster is a slow nod as you feel a tear trickle down your cheek from your left eye as you are overtaken by how beautiful it all is.

I beckon to you and you follow me to a nearby apple tree which is festooned with fruit. The red and green apples hang from the branches and I pluck one and pass it to you. You smile and take a bite anticipating how fresh and crisp the apple will be. Your teeth easily sink in as you are surprised to find the flesh of the apple soft. You taste bitterness in your mouth and instinctively spit out the piece of fruit.

“What’s wrong?” I ask as I select an apple too.

“It is sour,” you explain. I take a bite from my apple and you hear the crunch as I take a chunk from it. I chew and through the mouthful explain that mine tastes fine. I hand the apple to you and you bite into it. It is soft and again tastes sour. Confusion rises inside you as you look at the apple and see a maggot wriggling beneath where you have bitten into the apple. You hurl the apple away as I invite you to sniff a magnificent rose nearby. You lean in and inhale its perfume, pulling the petalled head towards you. There is no scent and instead you sneeze.

As you let go of the rose you give a short cry of pain and find that a thorn is wedged in your finger, the blood already spooring from the wound and trickling down your finger. You sneeze again,your nose irritated by something and you keep sneezing as your eyes water. You stagger away from the rose still sneezing and into a bush but it is not the sculpted creation you saw moments earlier. Instead, you feel a prickling sensation as you are stung and realise you have stumbled into a bed of nettles. Pain rising you stagger away, eyes streaming and make for where you recall the stream is hoping to use the cool, clear water to wash away the irritation you have suffered.

You can just make out where it is through your blurred vision as you drop to your knees only to cry out again. You have knelt on some thistles.Where did they come from? This lawn was flawless before. You reach out flailing for the stream but there is nothing, The water has gone and the stream has dried up. You feel something wrap around your left wrist and as you try to wipe away the tears from your eyes with your free hand, you feel pain as a vine begins to tighten about your wrist. You pull trying to free yourself from it and twist around to call to me for help.

The smooth lawn is no longer there. Gone is the rolled grass. Instead you are looking at a mountainside, rugged and steep. You yank your arm as the vine is trying to pull you and look upwards. You can see me standing there smiling at you, looking down from my lofty position atop this mountain which has sprung out of nowhere. A cold wind begins to blow as you shout for help, another vine beginning to snake towards you. I tilt my head as if I cannot hear you, a smile still plastered across my face.

“Help me, what is happening?” you shout.

“Nothing,” I call back, ” I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“This. The garden, it has changed,” you yell above the gathering wind. You see that I am shaking my head.

” Not it’s not, everything is just the same, Beautiful isn’t it?” I reply.

You frown. How can I not see what has altered? The beautiful glade has become a hostile and hurtful place. How has this happened to you? You try and crawl forward and I stand watching you, offering no help as more vines snake towards you, the ground beneath you hard and stony. The vines wrap about you and threaten to pull you into the abyss below you. All the while I stand and watch smiling.

Welcome to my secret garden.

40 thoughts on “My Secret Garden

  1. Sweetest Perfection says:

    Academic Narc is indeed a narc. HG’s infallible analysis confirmed he is an Elite Upper MRN. I am mourning the death of a person I always thought treated me like a second class human being, though I never lost hope we could at least be good friends. Today is the day he’s dead to me. R.I.P. Strike First! Strike Hard! No Mercy With Narcs!

    1. WhoCares says:

      “Today is the day he’s dead to me. R.I.P. Strike First! Strike Hard! No Mercy With Narcs!”

      Good for you, SP.

  2. Jamie says:

    That is absolutely terrifying! It’s what I expected your garden to look like, although I also imagined it to then ooze and melt away and reveal a barren, burnt land of red, where nothing has grown for centuries. Great writing. The imagery is remarkable.

  3. Rebecca says:


    I pictured more nettles and people chained down, much darker was my vision of your secret garden and skeletons,can’t forget the

    1. HG Tudor says:

      This is just level one to the Secret Garden.

      1. WhoCares says:

        Oh, not the Garden again.

        1. Z - zwartbolleke says:

          Hahahahaha WhoCares, hahahahaha!!!!

        2. Rebecca says:

          Lol lol lol We’re all going to the dungeon now lol

      2. Asp Emp says:


        1. Rebecca says:

          Asp Emp,
          Trust me, I’d find away to accidently set my blanket on fire lol

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Hahahahahaha, I am sure you will Rebecca 🙂

      3. Rebecca says:

        Oh, I can’t wait! HG, I love a great horror story *grabs popcorn and warm blanket* What? I get cold when the story is good and scary. Lol

        1. Asp Emp says:

          Laughing…… just light a fire (LOL).

          1. Rebecca says:

            Asp Emp,
            But, I don’t want to burn my blanket lol *Trying not to get thrown in the fire with the blanket * lol

          2. Asp Emp says:

            Rebecca, I did not say light the fire while in your blanket! Laughing….

          3. Rebecca says:

            Asp Emp,
            I went to see a horror movie last weekend,been a while since all this covid crap…anyway, went to see ‘CURSED”. It was like a Stephen King movie, a lot of monolog and creepy images and then gory images…very gory. Don’t be eating your popcorn during the first 20 minutes. It was good,if you like old horror movies where the suspense slowly grows throughout the movie. There wasn’t any cheap thrills and nothing jumped out at the viewer,so I didn’t scream and laugh at myself. Lol Speaking of screaming, you ever see ‘GRUDGE’? That movie made me scream a few times, the original version is better. I think it’s called ‘JU ON’? The ‘INSIDEOUS ‘movies are really good, right up there with ‘ THE CONJURING’ movies. I like a good,scary movie. I just can’t hold the popcorn,unless you want it all over the floor lol

          4. Asp Emp says:

            Rebecca, laughing…..when I am reading what you say about the popcorn in the cinema, FFS, it reminded me of the looks you got from people when you dare to buy and eat a packet of crisps and munch them during a film (LOL). Never mind opening a can of pop!

            Yeah, I’ve seen ‘The Grudge’, there are two releases of that. ‘The Ring’ was good too. The ‘Insideous’ are tame compared to the other two. Hostel, The Saw – good too.

          5. Rebecca says:

            Asp Emp,

            I tried to watch the Hostel movies and the Saw movies. The Saw movies were more bearable,but even they got to be too much,made me get sympathy pains just seeing some of the characters get cut up, had to stop watching it. The Hostel movies just made me mad, I couldn’t finish them either. I just can’t watch people get tortured, even when I know it’s fake and for a movie. I get the strong urge to help the abused and stop the abuser. I got some seriously strong Savior in me….

          6. Asp Emp says:

            Rebecca, those films are not for everybody. I suppose I watched them because of what my abusers **“created” within me – I didn’t like what I ‘carried’ inside me but couldn’t “grab” hold of it and yank it out because I didn’t have a way of doing it. It’s not like trying to catch a loose guinea-pig, never mind 20 of them !! (LOL).

            **I never thought consciously that I needed something to create a ‘disassociation’ from my ‘darkness’. A bit similar to a narcissist’s need for fuel to ‘push’ their creature down.

            Yet, I can understand that the ‘darkness’ can return, if I permit it to and I will not put myself in that position again. So, in this respect, I would do anything and everything within my power to stop someone being abused, now that I have re-gained my strength (and know how to use it – verbally ;-)). I may attract narcissists but they don’t know what they are ‘dealing’ with (smirk).

  4. Joa says:

    “You changed!”

    “No, I’m ALWAYS THE SAME” – he replied with a calm smile.

    These words fell too often…


    I’m going from here, because I’m going crazy 🙂

  5. Joa says:

    Damn it! I have read this text and again everything pulses inside me and flows like lava.

    Aaaaaaa, I absolutely don’t need to focus on him now. I have other matters now, where I must concentrate my energie.

    What did you do to me HG??? 🙂

    But ok. At least I can see more and more clearly, what works for me and how it works.

    Now just a question. How do I deactivate it? Hmmm…

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Joa “lava”….hahahahahaha.

      Once the ‘lava’ starts flowing, you have to let it release 🙂 Effectively, you may not always be able to “deactivate” it 😉

  6. Joa says:



    Sorry HG for littering. This is NOT for you. I had to drop some steam and write it. I felt much better 🙂

    Sorry girls 🙂

    1. Rebecca says:

      No worries Joa, I understand xoxo

      1. Joa says:

        I firmly contradict and deny the supposition, that the boor, who wrote it this morning, was me 😀

    2. Asp Emp says:

      Joa, your first line was enough 🙂 to make me laugh, it is exactly the sort of thing I would say, laughing…….

      Laughing again…..”Sorry HG for littering”, at least you said it, so I think you just, just escaped a trip into the dungeon (LOL). Doesn’t mean that I won’t end in there LOL.

      Ah, thank you, I needed the laugh 🙂 I feel a bit better now.

    3. A Victor says:

      Been there, done that Joa, no worries! 💕

    4. Sweetest Perfection says:

      A-B-C-D-E, F-U
      And your mom and your sister and your job
      And your broke-ass car and that shit you call art… nah nah nah…

      And your garden

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Hilarious 🙂

      2. Rebecca says:

        I love that song! …. Everything, but your dog, they can all get lost …..

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          Exactly. Always save the dog.

          1. Rebecca says:

            Exactly ❤🐕

          2. Asp Emp says:

            Ah, SP, I got a ‘pang’ moment at the mention of the dog. My fur baby.

      3. Sweetest Perfection says:

        Well, I may need to dedicate the same song to Dr. Academic Narc, who hoovered me yesterday to inform me he had been interviewed about his work. After almost an hour listening, I sent him a message telling him what I enjoyed. He didn’t even thank me for having listened and having sent him my opinion. A-B-C-D-E, F-U…

        1. Asp Emp says:

          SP, laughing at your last sentence. What a wan*er for not even thanking you!

          1. Sweetest Perfection says:

            May the wanker Rest In Peace, Asp Emp.

          2. Rebecca says:

            Asp Emp,

            I think your darkness within you is similar to what I call my rage. It doesn’t happen very often,it takes a lot to get me that furious,but when it does happen I struggle to contain it. The most recent incident was a few months ago, when my step daughter was ranting to her dad , my husband, about her daughter getting on her nerves. She said she felt like hurting her. My husband had her on speaker phone,so I immediately looked him in the eyes and gave him a dark look. He knew why I was furious. He got off the phone with her quickly and I blew up. She better not hurt that kid! I mean it! She hurts her and they’ll be no place I won’t find her! He’s telling me to calm down and I’m fuming 😤 and pacing back and forth. I had to leave the house before I started breaking things. I forced myself to breathe slower and calm down,but it took a while. I had to push down my rage before it burned through my empathy, once my empathy is burned down, it’s never a good thing. Thankfully I control it well now from when I was a kid. My husband has told me before that my eyes look black when I’m furious and my eyes are a medium blue’s my pupils dilating, but it did make me worry I was a narcissist or something else with this rage I have in me. HG, told me I’m a Standard triple hybrid empath with strong Savior, strong Carrier, strong Geyser and element of Contagion and Co-dependent. I still worry about my rage, my dark half.

          3. Asp Emp says:

            Rebecca, I have just seen this reply! Wow. About your eyes! Sounds like a ‘woo hoo’ to me, just because it sounds like when you get pissed off, you are really pissed off. Muvver told me something like “your eyes changed” but didn’t elaborate further but it did stop her in her ‘BS talk’. I think your rage as you call it will lessen over time as you begin to recognise the start of the flare up (ie what triggers it). Maybe it will even occur less often and reduce in strength too? You are not a narcissist. Empath with strong traits. I use and apply the ET / LT management to reduce (and it has worked really well) stress / flare up of anger. I can recognise the trigger and the start of it so I tell myself (LT) to control the ET. I did that ‘method’ with my sadness / pain ie over my father and it just reduced over time since being in KTN. Give yourself time, your rage will reduce 🙂

          4. Joa says:

            Rebecca, this is comforting to me. If you had seen arguments between me, my sister and my mother in the past… Three loud voices, three strong personalities. Almost, for life and death 🙂

            N2 liked to watch this spectacle 🙂 Although there were similar incidents in his exalted family, only they were hiding from everyone.

            Since I live alone with my daughter, I have peace. There are little outbursts, the same blood flows in her, but we brake pretty quickly.

            I am a calm and smiling person, I swallow insults, harshness and bullets, completely ignoring and showing no reaction. But when someone presses too often too long, suddenly, on a seemingly trivial thing, my eyes may be covered in a dark cloud in a second and I may explode suddenly. And what comes out of me then is terrible.

            It becomes easier to control with age.

            I am composed at work (only minor cleansing blasts), but in 20 years, I have had a strong explodes twice. A normal boss would fire me immediately. Not Narcissists. They looked enchanted, with glowing eyes. They drank from me like on tap. And the strangest thing, I was promoted “as a reward”…

            Rebecca, hold on and don’t explode 🙂
            (What I wish for myself too).

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