Why The Narcissist Cannot Love You

17 thoughts on “Why The Narcissist Cannot Love You

  1. BC30 says:

    I think, in my humble opinion, that accepting this is what sets you free.

    1. A Victor says:

      BC30, I agree.

  2. leelasfuelstinks says:

    I struggled for years and years, could not understand why my dad doesn´t love me, why he does not accept me the way I am, why I should be like HE wants me to be, why it´s so important how I look like, more important than my personality? Well: It´s simply an Upper Mid Range Somatic! Does he love me? No! He doesn´t give a shit. I´m okay with that. Eventually, it´s not his fault. I´m ANC (almost no contact) with this sick old Cluster B.

    1. A Victor says:

      Hi Leela, it’s so odd, I can actually easily accept that my parents don’t, and didn’t ever, love me. It makes me sad but i know it’s true. I think they “loved” me as a narcissist loves, for the prime aims I could give them, but not true love like I can give people. My kids have a hard time thinking grandma doesn’t love them. But they accept that my relationship with her is different and that I believe she did not love me. We don’t talk about it any more.

      But, cool thing, someone recently pointed out to me that I broke the pattern of abuse in my family. That was a huge thing to realize. I told my son and he said “Yeah, and none of us (my kids) would ever do that to anyone so that is huge.” That has made me very happy to realize this shift in our family. There is still a son in law I worry about but my daughter is learning so hopefully that will not become a bigger problem or she will GOSO.

      It’s helped me a lot to get to a more neutral place about my parents when i realize they don’t give a shit. That’s a great thing to remember.

      1. leelasfuelstinks says:

        I actually see my “father” as a kind of “robot” 😂 Whenever I see him, I can clearly see the signs and symptoms of NPD and I perceive him indeed as “robot” 😂

        1. A Victor says:

          Yes, once you see the robotic behavior, it really stands out. Along with the constant scanning for any appliance getting out of control, the dead eyes and the lack of inflection in the speech. It is really interesting to see all of this.

          Years ago I once said to my dad, “Mom just seems to have a number of roles that she puts on, like she doesn’t really have a real self of her own without those roles.” He shrugged, he didn’t see it, he was also a narcissist. But it was that robotic, lack of actual true response, behavior that led me to this conclusion. I just didn’t have a name for it yet.

          1. leelasfuelstinks says:

            Yeah, observed this constant scanning, too! The eyes, which wander around, left and right and left and right. Constant scanning of the environment! Is everything and everybody under control?!
            Hey and I said almost the same to my MMRA narc a couple of years ago: “It seems like you put different masks on, but WHO are you?” This was BEFORE I knew that he´s a narcissist. His answer: “I don´t know who I really am”. Huge red flag! 🚩

          2. A Victor says:

            Just found these two most recent comments Leela. I said to my ex in several occasions that he couldn’t be intimate, didn’t know how. Isn’t it interesting the things we can look back and see that we actually did see but that we still believed them and stuck around? I find that so interesting, the cognitive dissonance at work again, seeing, understanding, even taking about it but not being able to accept it fully or see how it impacts things. Hopefully we see and act on the red flags going forward.

          3. leelasfuelstinks says:

            My MMRA Elite stated very clearly that he prefers wanking over sex – BY FAR! He never ever tried to touch me, he got very irritated or even disgusted when somebody came close to him (for a friendly hug f.e.), but was touching HIMSELF all the time! That was very disturbing 😨

          4. leelasfuelstinks says:

            Patri Narc is easily described: haughty, arrogant, commanding, controlling, HE is “The King” here! 😂 He´s extremely haughty! Pure narcissist, no psychopath.

  3. Asp Emp says:

    As I read through this video, a thought came to my mind. I wonder, now, if this was part of the reason why my father’s mother did not seem to like his ‘choice’ of a wife? Did my grandmother ‘sense’ the lack of “love” muvver had / showed? Did my grandmother see anything ie a drop of the facade? I am not dwelling on it. Yet I know that my grandmother took it very badly on the day my parents got married. I recall the long (and tight) hugs that she’d give us (sister and me), as we were leaving, always had tears in her eyes. She never really stopped talking about my father, she never really ‘recovered’ from losing her favourite child. She never talked about the man she lived with.

    Brilliant video, HG. Thank you for creating this piece of work. I found further insights which adds to my wisdom. 🙂

  4. Asp Emp says:

    BTW, gingerbreads, sugar and spice 🙂

  5. dave says:

    Interestingly long before knowing and discussing narcissism was popular there were quite a few songs about what it is really like to be an Empath involved with a Narcissist. Top of my head: Rod Stewart-Reason to Believe, Dokken- Into the Fire. Of course when those songs were new and I was much younger I had no clue. Hindsight, as it was in my Narcissistic involvement is 20/20!

    1. leelasfuelstinks says:

      “Gonna take my time
      I have all the time in the world
      to make you mine
      it is written in the stars above
      for gods decree
      You´ll be right here by my side
      right next to me
      you can run but you cannot hide
      Don´t say you want me
      Don´t say you need me
      It´s understood
      Don´t say you´re happy out there without me
      cause it´s no good”
      (Depeche Mode “It´s no good”)

      Love that song by the way.

    2. leelasfuelstinks says:

      “Strange love, strange highs and strange lows
      Strange love
      That´s how my love goes,
      Strange love
      Will you give it to me
      Will you take the pain
      I will give to you
      again and again
      and will you return it?”

      Depeche Mode “Strange Love”

    3. dave says:

      If I listened long enough to you
      I’d find a way to believe its all true
      Knowing that you lied
      Straight faced while I cried
      And still I’d look to find a reason to believe
      Rod Stewart 1971

      One of many songs about the relationship with the Narcissist long before people began to understand the wiring differences: The Empaths addiction and the Narcissists entry point- emotional thinking

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