The Narcissist and Feelings
Feelings are an unnecessary burden and thankfully I have been relieved of many of them, being left only with those which are deemed necessary to enable me to pursue the harvesting of fuel. Feelings blur and weaken. How many times have you heard your alarm go off in the morning and you have rolled over feeling like you do not want to get up? Many times I should imagine. That feeling of apprehension about what the day holds for you, despondency at what has happened to you and dread about what you have to do weakens you and holds you back.
You spend much of your life in the pursuit of this notion of happiness but are you ever truly happy? Do you look at what you have and wish you had more? Do you look at other people around you and imagine how happy they must be and you wish that you were more like them? All you achieve is bitterness. Perhaps you do feel happy but as the empath that you are you see those who you regard as less happy than you and you wish that they could be more like you.
All you achieve is vanity. You spend so much of your time seeking to be happy and then you worry about whether it is fleeting in nature. You express concern that you just want to be happy and spend more and more time trying to achieve this state of nirvana. You suffer from feeling sadness which leads to paralysis and indecision. You feel frustrated which sucks up your energy and leaves you feeling spent. You take pride in your ability to feel and to be able to feel on behalf of others yet all you are doing is allowing yourself to be burdened.
Why bother pursuing those feelings which are regarded as positive, such as joy, happiness and elation? Is the effort truly worth it when you get there only for it to be a fleeting moment which then casts you into despondency? What was the point of that? Why allow yourself to be mired in upset, misery and dejection? You achieve nothing as you slowly sink into a quagmire of such negativity. Your feelings deceive you, press down on you and above all else allow us to manipulate you. It is because you feel this array of emotions that you provide us with emotional reactions. Of course you know that these emotional reactions create my fuel. Your feelings are to blame.
I never acquired these feelings. This is because the pursuit of fuel cannot be distracted by these cumbersome emotions. They serve no purpose and thus were never developed. I am built for the acquisition of fuel and nothing else. I am an efficient design, single-minded and driven. All excess baggage was not jettisoned, it was never stowed on board to begin with. I am not wholly without feelings. I have been developed in a way to allow certain feelings, those that aid my purpose, to come to the fore.
I feel fury which ensures that I can exert control over other people and thus extract fuel from them. I feel envy which drives me on to strip away those traits from other people which I need to create my construct. If I felt no envy, I would not want these characteristics – thus this feeling serves a purpose. There is no superfluous feeling connected with me. I feel jealousy which again causes me to strive to better that person by lauding my own achievements and prompting a reaction which garners positive fuel or by berating the person of whom I am jealous and thus I harvest negative fuel.
I feel hatred. This allows me to see everything as it truly is. Hatred hones and brings into sharp focus the reality of this cruel world and thus I am better able to navigate my way through it. Hatred is visceral, it is not fluffy or amorphous. It does not cloud or blur. It is direct, straight to the point and electrifying in its capacity to allow me to always go forward.
All of these feelings and ones of a similar nature have been fashioned around me to assist me in my quest for fuel. Each one discharges a method of enabling me to gather fuel so that I can feel the ultimate emotion.
My pursuit of fuel is predicated on the use of these various emotions with the sole purpose of allowing me to feel that emotion which I prize above all others.
I feel powerful.
I am powerful.
53 thoughts on “The Narcissist and Feelings”
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I used to read this article and jump in defense of my feelings – but as I sit depressed about men I realize – you’re right HG… they are dragging me down, wasting my time and keeping me from “living my best life”. Fuck the feelings – time to start shoving them way down – telling myself some lies – and get on with what I need to do.
Go to the evidence Empath007, rather than the feelings.
HG,
Can you clarify something in relation to the rules of the blog please?
Part of Rule No. 8 states the following:
“Do not invite another person to make contact with you outside of the blog.”
In the past, the matter of blog readers making contact outside of the blog has been discussed. The conclusive outcome of these discussions was that readers were to strictly adhere to this rule and not contact each other outside of the blog.
Does this rule leave room for contact to occur if you, HG, as blog moderator, act as a kind of ‘middle-man’ or gatekeeper who allows messages to pass from one person to another?
No, I am not a messaging service, I have enough to do.
Thank you for clarifying HG.
Just gonna comment, I started a new relationship a couple of years ago. I was just out of one with a LMRN, literally just out of one. That guy still hoovers and it is quite comical, he is trying to smear me by writing to anybody he can find on my old Facebook page and telling them that I am transsexual. As it happens, I am not transsexual, although I have nothing against that, but this antic is so outlandishly and obviously wrong that it causes me to laugh. Hope it causes you to smile too.
A few months later contacted Sr. Tudor in order to get a narc test on the new partner. Sadly, Sr. Tudor graded him as a LMRN as well. Well, the red flags were there, but he is the covert variety and so I listened to my girlfriend who said “oh, I don’t think he is a narcissist” and stayed with him. He made it 2 years before finally melting down to the point that I had to go NC with him. So this is both a belated endorsement of Sr. Tudor’s advice, and hopefully a little humor for everyone.
Speaking of feelings… I felt as though the first 3 paragraphs hit home. I feel like it comes from a lack of self care. At least for me. Not giving myself time to recharge my battery and rest my mind. while trying to take care of my world and hardly ever saying no. And then you are of no use to anyone when you are burnt out. But the thing that really got me was certain people in my life that I love know where and how to pull on my heart strings. Because they know how much I love them and how I don’t want to see them suffer. I began reading about how to enforce “loving” boundaries when faced with “emotional blackmail”. But your work has opened my eyes on a much deeper level. Instead of superficially repeating phrases from a book on boundary setting, now I can respond in my own way and it can come from the heart and feel less like me being a coward reciting from a book. I can now recognize better when someone is trying to manipulate me and then have an appropriate response to that. I know that it’s easier said than done but I feel more confident about it. Not so diluted and oblivious. Loyalty is a bitch to overcome though. Loyal as a dog. At least now it makes sense… cause they basically f*cking trained me like I was a dog.
Trish,
Dogs are actually fascinating animals. The training of a dog is not due to the actual training. It’s due to the dog’s amenable characteristics that enable it to be trained in the first place.
Scientific research has proven that of all animals, the domesticated dog – or Canis familiaris – is the only animal that has evolved to have a unique emotional predisposition to bond closely with humans and actively and beneficially respond to human emotions.
The saying ‘man’s best friend’ is not only an off-the-cuff comment. It is based on scientific studies showing that evolutionary adaptation over 15,000 years has provided the domesticated dog the ability to live closely with humans.
Before the agricultural age, humans first started to domesticate wild dogs (a form of prehistoric wolf). Dogs were used by humans to help with activities such as hunting, herding, protection and pulling loads. The evolutionary domestication provided both humans and dogs with mutual benefits. In fact, the domesticated dog cannot survive these days without being in close proximity with humans. For this reason, a dog’s ‘loyalty’ is actually based on a need to survive due to the domesticated dog’s evolved genetic predisposition.
The closest relative to the domesticated dog nowadays is the modern-day wolf. Even though they are closest in evolutionary terms, there are big differences between them. Multiple studies have shown that wolf pups mature faster, have different diets, are more aggressive, less patient, and breed differently, to name a few differences.
Just another perspective about the loyalty inherent in the domestic dog.
HG, don’t you think it is a little illogical to assume all your viewers and readers are empaths who are big bundles of emotion just searching for happiness and love? I mean one of your videos a person turned out to be narcissistic and according to you, other people who take the empath test turn out to be narcissists 😂! You have all sorts of followers!!!
I don’t know what you would classify me as but I know I am not chasing happiness and love, but I also have no hate nor any desire to harm anyone. I would consider myself content. So I must be somewhere in between. Therefore, I think you are not properly calculating your followers (I don’t mean that as a criticism. You seem to be an intelligent man. I just wanted to point it out because it seems the article is castigating all your viewers in one way and I wanted to remind you that you have a broader spectrum of viewers than just empaths. That should be a compliment to you and your work.). It would be better to title this article Empath feelings vs. Narcissist feelings.
With that said, I appreciate you giving us insight into the feelings of a narcissist and an empath. Thank you.
I do not assume all my viewers ad readers are empaths. Nor do I regard empaths as necessarily seeking happiness and love in the way you describe.
Are feelings really unnecessary, when you apparently need other people’s feelings for fuel?
Or do they need to be the cause of our emotions, controlling us to bring the emotions about, so then they can feel powerful?
exactly, narcissists are dependent on these emotional reactions, they are slaves to fuel, we can be free despite our feelings
Oh Richie stop it. Narcissists delude themselves into being emotionless. Come on. You’re slowly finding out that you’re more normal than you care to admit. This isn’t a the movie Road House. You’re starting to crave
… stability from yourself. Aren’t you?
When I saw the image of this article right now, I was reminded of the photographs of the numerous balloons that were around the lounge when I was around 3 to 4 years old and the look of awe on my face as my father took the Polaroids……a nice moment…..
It seems your Shield Maiden makes you feel many good emotions. I think this is awesome! If you can stay in a relationship for that long with one person why can’t we hope our narcissist can do the same? I understand you are the greater so I suppose it’s wishful thinking. But, you seem very happy in your relationship. Maybe ours could somehow work also ?
My narcissist staying in a relationship with me for 25 years. Of course, it was never with just one person…
stayed***
🤦♀️Ugh! They are despicable!
Hi Wensical, I understand your feelings, and I once felt as you do, but I do not want you to suffer due to your joyful optimism. For greater understanding and clarity on what HG is actually conveying, I strongly recommend HG’s book entitled “Fuel.” It is a must read for every empath. Even after reading this masterpiece, it will be difficult to accept the reality of what actually brings a level of satisfaction to a N. Yet acceptance of what actually exists is crucial to your happiness. It’s hard to let go of what you hope for, but sometimes absolutely necessary for your own well being. I wish you all the best.
Wensical, in addition to these great suggestions, I recommend an audio consult with HG to ask him directly why the narcissist cannot change. You will never again doubt it if you do.
Hi AV, great advice. Thank you!
I know it inside I just get that ET going and bam I’m right back there wishing and hoping. It doesn’t last long thank goodness!
I’m sure I will do an audio consult in the near future. I did the empath detector and just recently the trait detector so I’m excited to get those results back! It’s been a year now since I was in that relationship and I have grown and learned so much thanks to this blog and HG!
Grateful for it! I hope you had had a wonderful Easter AV. Thanks for sharing your advice. I always love hearing from you. 😊
Oh Wensical, I honestly thought maybe you were joking when I read your initial comment! I am so sorry to hear that you still struggle with this about HG, and other narcissists also then. I am glad your ET is back down and I hope that you can do an audio consult with him soon, it will really help you.
Yes, getting those detectors back will be awesome!!
My Easter was amazing, thank you! And I hope yours was as well! I love hearing from you too! 🙂
Thank you FYC. I have my moments of temporary insanity when I start feeling I miss my ex and my ET rises to a point of questioning once again that maybe he could change.
I know he can’t change and I am so much better off without him. But, like I said, those momentary what if’s get me sometimes.
Thanks for sharing your kind response. It’s much appreciated.
Wendy, I have read what you say in this thread. I understand when you say “temporary insanity” as a means of describing your ET / LT being out of sync. It does take time and it differs between individuals who are on their ‘journey’ through HG’s work. Maybe saying to yourself something like “a leopard cannot change it’s spots” can be a prompt to remind yourself in regard to the narcissist of your past. HG is a very understanding man and knows a great deal about people and the way they think / feel. His consults are there if people need it, when they are ready to do so. You are doing ok (in my opinion) as I recognise that some people have been here (KTN) longer than you have, so that is something I take into consideration. If you find yourself struggling, you can always listen to some ‘Narc Tales’ 🙂
Hi Wensical, your wishful thinking has been the source of great debate here on the blog. Mr. Tudor doesn’t do happy. His relationship is not a happy one, its an effective one. He has not changed in the respect that he now has emotional empathy. He has only become more effective because he has acquired our character traits and uses them to manipulate in a benign way.
Leigh, you are so right! I hadn’t thought of it like that in that momentary loss of insanity missing my ex. What a great reminder from you! I think I’m ok now. Until the next time it hits me, lol.
It’s been a year free from his physical presence but it’s gonna take longer to remove that ever presence that lives in my mind. Ugh!
Thank you and thank you again for this great information! 🤗
Ugh! I know! That emotional thinking gets us every time! We have to just remember to drill down to the logic and look to the evidence.
Thats awesome that you got the empath and trait detectors. You’ll find them very useful in understanding yourself and you’ll be amazed at how Mr. Tudor is so dead on accurate.
Hellooooooo! Gooood morning wake up call: Our mentor is a PSYCHOPATH! Helloooo! 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ This is the “come down to Earth” wake up call! Ring ring! 📢🔔
Haha, Leela!! So good!! Lots of us likely need that wake up call once in a while probably!! He is very good at what he does!
Yes he is!! 😊
Lol, just seeing this. I’m down, wayyyy back down!
🤷♀️😊
😂 That´s great! Sometimes the Empath with the hammer is needed. 😂
Agree!!😂
Leelasfuelstinks, he should not be your mentor, but simply someone whom you get information from. I mean, is the author of a textbook your mentor or simply someone you get information from? The author may be horrible person, but the information is beneficial. A mentor indicates a relationship not just information exchange. Even if you are paying for HG’s consultations, that is professional, not personal. As soon as you stop paying, the “relationship” ends. That isn’t a relationship. It is a professional exchange but if you want to define it in relationship terms then it is a business relationship, nothing more. So if you consider him your mentor, you are crossing boundaries. As long as you don’t cross that boundary, but just see him as an information source, he can be beneficial to you. Keep it framed like that, and all will be fine. Cheers!
My goodness! SO WHAT?
Hey, I tell you what: My parents have been married for 55 years. My mom is an Empath, my dad is an Upper Mid Range Somatic. Just yesterday, my dad put my mom verbally down, shouting at her, belittling her. Why? Because the drink my mom served my dad was too cold for him. Yes. His drink was too cold! 55 years of “happy marriage”. Yipiie yaaay! 🤪🥳🥳😂😂
Leigh! How awful! Thanks for the great example of what it would be like! Lol 🤦♀️
Dearest leelasfuelstinks,
That is very disturbing and sad to hear leela. 55 years of marriage ? ……sounds like they’re in their late 70’s . He appears very ‘old school’, where men were the head of the household and ‘the wife’ was their slave, waited on him hand n foot and kept quiet. Mr Bubble’s parents were like that. They become institutionalised and scared to leave, where to go, what to do, fear of the unknown, usually have no money of their own, probably hasn’t worked and what will happen if they did leave ie that the narc will come after them. So it’s easier to stay, be the doormat and put up with what you’ve become used to rather than rock the boat.
This abusive behaviour is unacceptable, unwarranted not should be tolerated. We all have the right to be treated with respect.
I thought that behaviour would be more of a lesser than of an upper mid range somatic, hmmm interesting 🤔 forever learning 🙃
Thank you for sharing leela, I know it’s hard 😔
Sending warm vibes to you lovely 🥰
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
These long term relationships of misery might well be the scenario of the “old school slavery” suggested, but it can also be the case of two narcissists that has endured because they are both getting what they need. I think the latter is more common than thought and overlooked due to many factors – mostly emotional, but also due to confusion about the “victim” in the relationship (who may actually be a victim narcissist).
NA, you hit that squarely on the head.
Dearest NarcAngel,
Good point ….as always 😉
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Hello NA and Bubbles, Hope all is well with you. You both may be correct. Bubbles scenario may be a N and CoD; NA, I’m guessing your scenario may be MRN/VMRN or G/VMRN. Your thoughts on schools?
Sorry FYC, I’m not sure I understand the question.
I believe it is more common than thought that the relationships described in the previous comment are likely to be two narcissists colliding rather than the often assumed narcissist and empath dynamic. I hadn’t really given much thought to the schools and cadres other than the likelihood of one being a Victim narcissist as opposed to a non-narcissist that is often referred to as the “victim” in the relationship. That is one of the reasons I prefer Target for the non-narcissist.
I previously questioned on the blog if a Victim narcissist is viewed as a “victim” and gave the example of a Mid Range Victim Narcissist being beaten savagely by a Lower Lesser Narcissist.
It can get messy.
I agree, NA. I believe we have seen a few appear here over time as well. I think a CoD and N could fit Bubble’s description as they stay too long in abusive marriages at any age (and older generations certainly experienced less support for divorce and more pressure to remain). That said, I agree with your account, that an unaware VMRN would believe themselves to be a “victim” of a N, yet gain massive fuel from all sides by playing that role and feeling superior as a “martyr”, when both are Ns. My question was which school and cadre of N would marry and remain married to a VMRN?
FYC
Ah. I would guess Lesser and some Mid R Narcs as I think the Greater would have little to no tolerance for a Victim N. Their larger fuel matrix rendering that unnecessary as well.
I seldom see you commenting FYC, so I’d like to say here that I have always enjoyed your thoughtful and informational contributions to the blog and our exchanges. You have often given me an additional viewpoint to consider and good advice that has helped me. I am most appreciative and wish you all the best in future should our paths not cross again.
NA
Hi NA, Thank you for that insight. I know of a married couple that fits that profile (LMN, VMRN). Actually, I would say that the female is a combo of VMRN and dirty angel (is that possible?). For me, it is easy to determine N v. Non N, or N v. NAPD. What I struggle with at times is identifying the School. HG’s recent work has been extremely enlightening on that front, but I am still learning.
I apologize for my lack of activity. It’s been a challenging couple of years. I will ask HG to pass on a private message to you. Thank you so much for your kind message. The feeling is mutual. I appreciate you very much.
FYC,
“Actually, I would say that the female is a combo of VMRN and dirty angel (is that possible?).”
I feel like this exactly describes my mother. In some situations she reads like a VMRN and then in other situations, the table is turned and she is “the care taker” in a dirty angel or overwhelming angel role. And then when the individual (that she’s taking “care” of) dies – she is the typical middle Mid-ranger, type B cry baby: the universe has cursed her and “everyone who ever loves her, leaves her” (either through escape or death it seems).
But mostly she wants to be the one cared for.
FYC, wishing you strength through your challenges. And always happy to see you around the blog.
Dearest FYC,
Interesting discussion lovelies.
I’m not sure how I would categorise them more specifically, seeing as ‘back in those days’, most women were just thankful to be married and not end up an old maid by the age of 25-30. Having a husband to support them and be lucky enough to have children, was IT. Divorce was really not an option. You made it work without complaining …..it was their role in life. The wife was to be a subservient homemaker and the husband the income earner. Women just suffered in silence and others knew no better. Ending up co-dependent was a given. They did their duty.
Abuse was still rife back then as well but it was kept silent.
Marriage needs to be a renewable contract NOT “now we’re married, I own you”.
Having your OWN finances is a MUST because look at the power and abuse it creates if there is only one income earner.
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Hi WC, Thank you for your kind sentiment. You are appreciated. I will get there. I’m sorry to hear that about your mother. It’s so frustrating with that type of N. They truly believe they are all good and any who do not agree are ungrateful. Her stories were pretty shocking to me; yet in her view, it was entirely normal and correct to assert control over others and expect their gratitude in return, whether they wanted her help or not. She regularly lamented about her own problems on a regular basis. I’m grateful I do not have to deal with her professionally any longer.
Someone once told me we give what we want to receive (love if we seek love, friendship if we seek friendship, loyalty if we seek loyalty, etc.). In the case of Ns, this only holds party true. They do give what they hope to receive in a way, golden attention for fuel, control by any means for control. Yet they mask their true intent (sometimes even to themselves) or are unaware and act instinctively. Before KTN I was baffled by this. Now I know very well what is at hand. It’s sad (to me, not them) such coping mechanisms cannot or will not be altered.
I hope all is well with you and your son, WC. Take care.
Yes, they are exactly like that and yes, they are in their late 70ties, almost 80. Patri Narc was very sick but is recovering now. Of course he has no patience and he has lost a lot of weight, which pisses him off of course (Somatic!). So, he´s lashing out even more than usual and my mom is grounded down. I don´t have much contact with them, but visited on Easter. Was nice anyway, despite Patri Narc lashing out, rolling out Pity Plays, starting circular conversations and being arrogant and haughty as always. 😂🤪
Leela, at least we know they’re consistent. But…shifting sands also!!! 😂