The Smiling Assassin



We are masters of the back-handed compliment, the flattery which is actually a form of provocation, the kings of seemingly pleasant comments which are really put downs. We appear with that radiant and broad smile as we then slip a stiletto knife between your ribs with deft ease.

Nobody else sees us do this. It appears to everyone else, as we stand there with our false smile plastered across our faces, that we are giving you a loving hug. Our outside appearance to the world and the maintenance of our façade remains intact as we slip through your defences and land a blow against you.

We revel in seeing you smiling in return, your eyes lighting up with delight at our benign manner towards you only then for you to realise the import of what we have actually said. As the metaphorical dagger pierces your skin, you realise that is actually meant by what we have said to you. It appeared as a compliment but in actual fact we have told you something which will trouble you, upset you or anger you. Your eyes narrow with confusion and we see that look of uncertainty cross your face as you cannot quite believe what is happening.

Did you hear what we said correctly? Have you misinterpreted the comment that we made? Did we really just say that? We can see how you are torn between wanting to accept the supposed compliment and then that sinking sensation as you realise that we have just made a barbed comment which appeared to be a pleasant one.

The look on your face is akin to the look of bewildered astonishment that one might see on a wildebeest as it is brought to ground by a hungry lion and is eaten alive from behind. It cannot quite comprehend what is happening and neither can you.

What makes it worse is that to everyone else we appear to smiling, hugging you and being pleasant. You want to react. You want to push us away from you. You want to chastise us, lash out and reprimand us for what we have just said, but the way that we framed this back-handed compliment means that you would appear mean, ungrateful and churlish if you did so.

Just as we remain close to you, holding you, dagger still lodged between your ribs as we slowly twist it, you can do nothing but remain where you are as everyone else looks on thinking that we are being pleasant to you. We know that because you are a decent and pleasant person you are conditioned to accept the compliment and not rail against it, even when you realise that it is actually hurtful. This allows us to see just how strong our control over you is. If you react to the barbed comment and lash out at us, crying or shouting at us for our remark, then we gain fuel.

If you remain silent and confused by it, unable to mask your hurt and disappointment, we still gain fuel but we also derive a significant indication of our power over you. We are able to make a hurtful remark seem like a compliment and have you accept it. This is a useful way for us to put you down whilst appearing to be pleasant. It also allows us to reinforce our perceived superiority over you through the application of this control. This technique also utilises our favoured mechanism of plausible deniability.

There is a degree of ambiguity whereby if you attempted to pin the blame on us for precisely what we have intended to say, we would be able to reject that assertion. We are able to accuse you of reading too much into it, twisting our words and over-reacting. All favourite methods of rejecting you intended blame and of stoking the emotional fires further. We can feign hurt by stating we were paying you a compliment and you have taken it the wrong way. Again.

We then want you to apologise, soothe us and feel guilty for trying to suggest that we would do anything other than be pleasant to you. Of course, this technique where we come with smiles as we plunge our critical knife into you, is one which we revel in deploying and is just part of our arsenal that is designed to mess with your thinking. Did we say what you thought we said?

What did we really mean from that comment? Are you in fact over-analysing it or should you trust your initial judgement here? All of these factors unsettle, confuse and undermine you, eroding your confidence and clouding your judgement. It is all par the course and entirely why we behave as smiling assassins. There are numerous ways this is done and here are seven of the often used back-handed provocations.


  1. Condescend

We will talk to you in a condescending tone for the purposes of belittling you, making you feel inferior and causing us to look far better by comparison. We offer unwanted advice, talk to you from the position of always knowing what is right and what is best. Of course, should you challenge this overly paternalistic approach to the way we deal with you we will point out that we only want what is best for you, that we are only trying to help you and do have your best interests at heart. Is it a crime to do that for you?

  1. Insider Jokes

We will engage in making comments which cause members of our devout coterie to laugh and giggle but you are left in the dark as to what is so funny. We will use terms that amuse us and our followers considerably but seem meaningless to you. This will make you feel uncomfortable and isolated and if you should commence some kind of protest we will point out that we have not involved you because you would be bored by the silliness (thus inferring you have no sense of humour but making it seem as if you are above our schoolboy sniggering and this is a good thing) or that you would not be interested in our style of humour because you are too highbrow for such base comments and observations.


  1. Our Ex

We will repeatedly mention that our ex is still in love with us, indeed he or she still tries to contact us and they leave messages and have telephoned us a few times. Of course we tell you that you have no need to worry because that was in the past and we are with you now, you are the person that matters. This is designed to make it appear like we can brush aside the presence of our ex because we are in love with you. In fact, although it sounds like this, we use it as a means of securing carte blanche for mentioning the ex on many occasions so it unsettles you. Of course you are hamstrung from saying anything because that would make you seem insecure and you do not want to show that this is true. Thus we feel free to keep making mention of our ex and continue to triangulate them with you.


  1. Ignoring You

We ignore you and dole out a silent treatment with all of the fuel providing and control ramification which arise from this particular manipulation. Should you even begin to protest we point out that we are so glad we are with you because you understand our need for space and some time to ourselves. This appears like a compliment and is designed to flatter you into allowing us to keep doling out these silent treatments as and when we want in order to ignore you because we can then focus on gaining fuel from other parties when we are apart from you.


  1. The Ex Again

We talk incessantly about the qualities of the ex, highlighting all of their many wonderful attributes (which of course is a sudden change from when we were calling them demon spawn when we first seduced you but that’s all changed now). We babble on about how marvellous they are, the funny things they said, how beautiful they looked, the achievements they secured and so on before telling you that we are so pleased that you are so understanding that we can talk about past relationships with you. This supposed compliment restricts you from commenting adversely but we know that inside you are fuming and desperate to reprimand us in some way. How we delight in knowing this and seeing your trying to maintain a pleasant smile when inside we know you are dying.

  1. Flirtation

We flirt shamelessly and we know you see us doing this. We also know how it hurts and angers you but we fire a compliment your way by telling you that it is refreshing to be with someone who allows us to be ourselves, someone who is not jealous and someone who is so trusting. These compliments are designed to keep you quiet as we get on with doing what we please. We draw fuel from those we flirt with and all the while we keep casting backward glances to the trusting you seeing the gathering anger in your eyes.


  1. Spending Time with Others

We spend time with other people. It may be chatting someone up in the bar, hanging out with our friends, chasing down new prospects, wowing the crowd at a work function and so on. This blatant fuel-gathering is crucial to us and when we wander in later after our third consecutive night out we head you off at the pass by praising you by saying how lucky we are to have someone who understands that because they get all of our attention most of the time, we need to be able to spend some time with other people. Once again, this comment is designed to back you into a corner and have you standing, arms crossed and fuming, teetering between our control and providing us with even more fuel.

65 thoughts on “The Smiling Assassin

  1. Pingback: Den smilende leiemorderen - Psykopatene blant oss
  2. Bubbles says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    Speaking of ‘smiling assassins’, who is this Pete Sapper on You Tube bagging you to Billy-O.
    For someone who is ‘supposedly’ described as having a background in psychology, his whole presence is appalling and shocking to say the least.
    I do not like him one bit!
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He is a former nightclub promoter (although his grandiosity causes him to describe himself laughably as an impresario). He thinks he is a super empath, but he is a Mid Range Narcissist. When I first started my channel, he would blow smoke up my ass in the comments section but I know what he is, so I ignored him. He cannot stand the fact that I am superior to him in terms of knowledge, intellect and ability. He labels my followers as belonging to a cult (yawn – maybe I will have Doug who was in a cult put him straight on that) and that all my followers/viewers/readers are narcissists (ah, how original, projection). He is envious of what I do and cannot stand it when I explain you should not manipulate a narcissist (for very clear reasons I have explained again and again) and how a super empath truly behaves. He is typical of those MRNs who think they take down narcissists left, right and centre and he is some kick ass heyoka super empath. He is a clown and a complete joke, he rants showing his ignited fury and then says he loves and admires me. He is providing me with free publicity and I continue to ignore him. There will be some taken in by him (some of whom will also be unaware narcissists who have to cling to this “I am a Super Empath and I kicked the narcissists butt) which is so tedious. I do not make out that the narcissist is invincible, no contact is our kryptonite, but Crapper is symptomatic of these YouTubers giving out misinformation.

      Your assessment of him Bubbles is accurate.

      1. Bubbles says:

        Dear Mr Tudor,
        I am very grateful you elaborated on this nitwit, what deplorable behaviour. His You Tube video is coming up right underneath yours and he does appear to have quite a following.

        He is quite obnoxious, loud, crude and very unprofessional, in actual fact, he’s doing you a favour by showing himself up for all the wrong reasons. What a ning nong. 🤣

        I very much admire your calm approach and skilled evaluation of this complete neurotic loudmouth numbskull, who, in reality, is only damaging his own reputation.

        I did love the fact he promoted your writing more than once hehe
        I felt he was a narc and I’m very glad you confirmed it.

        Thank you for taking time to explain what he is, as it further adds without a doubt, who rules supreme.
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. Asp Emp says:

          Bubbles, I love reading what you say…..I have heard of ‘ding dong’ but never ‘ning nong’ (spellcheck doesn’t even ‘know’ either! laughing). Yes, I saw the image of this so-called “professional” but did not open it – I would have done at the start of my journey but since then I have read enough of HG’s work to know who is the truth-sayer. Good to read what you say here, Bubbles 🙂

          1. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Asp Emp,
            That’s so kind of you to say AE, thank you lovely 🥰
            A ‘ning nong’ is slang for a fool, stupid person or idiot. Growing up, it was a polite substitute haha

            Every time I press a door bell, I yell ‘ding dong’ or if I use a door knocker, I yell ‘knock knock’ ….I know, I kid you not, then there’s the train crossing, I’m such a sad case 😂🤣😂🤣

            Also ….in the ‘good ol days’ we used to refer to a male penis as his ‘ding dong’
            and also a quarrel was ‘they’re have a bit of a ‘ding dong’ with each other”

            No one uses these words any more….what’s this world coming to ? 🤪
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          2. Asp Emp says:

            Bubbles, thank you for explaining about ‘ning-nong’. I may use that now, when I go to the supermarket, of course 🙂 (also while I am wearing my new t-shirt 😉 ). In fact, I think saying “ning-nong ding-dong” is probably more apt 🙂 I agree, with your last sentence. Lovely to hear from you, Bubbles (hope things are ok with you) 🙂 x

      2. Asp Emp says:

        A great comment, HG. Thank you for the explanation for us that do not know enough about this so called “heyoka super empath” guy.

    2. Viol. says:


      I saw that same video, and did some searching. One woman lamented that she was taken in by his charm, but I couldn’t see it. The charm, I mean. I don’t know where he’s from, but he reminds me of going clubbing anywhere south of 14th St. In Manhattan, and there is always at least one guy from Flatbush who thinks his high school moves, or more likely someone else’s high school moves that he’s copied, are Magick Spells.

      The problem is the desperation shines through. Someone like Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny, who is absolutely at home with who he is, just doesn’t have to try as hard.

      1. Bubbles says:

        Dearest Violetta.
        Love your comment.
        Try hard? …..definitely
        We have a show here ‘Married at first sight’…he reminds me of this bloke ‘Nasser’ …what an absolute noob and complete Pollywaffle.
        This bloke thought he was a charmer too, he was short. 🤣
        This Pete Sapper (so called life strategist 🤮) looks like Simon Levine 🤮
        Anyone who wears a ‘S’ necklace ……well, say no more 😂
        I truly admire Mr Tudor having to put up with all this ridiculous juvenile rubbish
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  3. cherish001 says:

    This is a reason why I can´t take any compliment serious. MatriNarc does this all the time.

    1. A Victor says:


      1. cherish001 says:

        I hope you’ll be able to find a way to get rid of this ❤️

        1. A Victor says:

          ANC had helped. Also many years ago I realized how “fake” it seemed if I responded the way my gut reacted when people complimented me, it came across as false humility, so I learned to just say thank you and move on, to get past it as quickly as possible. People would never know the truth about how it made me feel and since it’s impossible to explain to most people, that was okay. Getting past feeling that, my automatic rejection of the compliment as tied to her, my dad also, that will likely not happen, not completely anyway. It is really sad, they infiltrated every aspect of my life and left far reaching and lasting deleterious effects. So now I weigh each compliment for the truth in it, then take it or leave it as my filter allows. It’s not perfect, I wish I could get rid of that first gut reaction of flat rejection, but it’s better than it was. My own mind still gives them way to much control of me.

          I also hope you are able to get rid of it Cherish. It is not right what they do to us.

  4. Empath007 says:

    I’m dating again! First time in 3 years since the break up with my narc… it’s a long distance thing… so far we are just getting to know one another. Ok! Here’s what I know so far!

    Narc (possible) red flags : asked his previous partner to open up their marriage for the purposes of getting his sexual desires fulfilled. Doesn’t sound like they actually did that but I need to find out.

    2) he said his favourite thing about me is my smile.

    3) he asked for sexy pics.

    Things that tell me he’s not a narc:

    1) he gives me breathing space
    2) he was with his previous partner for 15 years. She ended up cheating on him. He’s been Devastated and not moving on that quickly. BUT he hates her now (possible black/white thinking).
    3) I’m planning to go visit. He offered to pick me up from the airport and pay for half my trip. Stating that’s if I’m putting all the effort to travel down there jts the least he can do.
    4) he has a logical way of thinking and a general ethical standard. He used to Be my boss (not anymore) and was very respectful towards me.

    So so far. The good outweighs the bad. He’s not texting me at times intervals like the narc did. And so far no hot/cold action. Pretty middle of the road.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1) he gives me breathing space – you are long distance and this might be a manifestation of the shelf dynamic, i.e. he is focused on other people
      2) he was with his previous partner for 15 years. She ended up cheating on him. He’s been Devastated and not moving on that quickly. BUT he hates her now (possible black/white thinking)- how do you know this? Did he tell you this or has somebody else verified this to be correct? Could be the Abusive Ex Syndrome.
      3) I’m planning to go visit. He offered to pick me up from the airport and pay for half my trip. Stating that’s if I’m putting all the effort to travel down there its the least he can do – might be generosity driven by decency or might be assertion of control through financial largesse and of course, he is merely stating he will do this, but has not done so.
      4) 4) he has a logical way of thinking and a general ethical standard. He used to Be my boss (not anymore) and was very respectful towards me – could be cognitive empathy.

      1. Empath007 says:

        Thank you HG for giving me a much needed grounding while I start to enter cloud 9.

        I’m not concerned about the abusive x syndrome. Mostly because I saw a Facebook post which she responded to – confirming his story. He seems genuinely broken up about it too… my assumption is most narcissists move on quick but it was actually me who came on to him… he was not at all in the head space to hit on me when we first starting talking. The assertion of control through finances could be a possibility – and you’re right. Its all talk at this point.

        My main concern was how he spoke about my smile… very reminiscent of my ex. and he even spoke about it being solely for him etc. I will keep you all updated if I end up going down to see him! Thanks for your input as well JB.

      2. Empath007 says:

        He sent the money for the flight… I’ll report back after our visit!

    2. JB says:


      Just to repeat what HG told you..don’t assume anything you have been told to be gospel without proof! I was misled in this way re past history, and it really made me think, what else is he lying about? And sexy pics?Maybe I am a being a bit of a prude, but that just doesn’t sit well with me! One of the things I also look for now is, how does he react when you have a difference of opinion (doesn’t have to be an argument, just a difference in views)? If he gets mardy, then for me that is a massive red flag!

      1. Asp Emp says:

        JB, good comment. I sent two articles which may give an indication ie the responses from him.

        1. JB says:

          Asp Emp, thanks! I have just seen the links to those articles and re-read them both. Thanks for writing them, HG, fantastic advice as always!

          1. Asp Emp says:

            JB, thank you 🙂

      2. Empath007 says:

        Hi JB.

        You don’t sound like a prude. Just sensible. I actually enjoyed the request and didn’t have an issue with it… I pace myself with these sorts of things until they earn it! I do that with sex too. It makes me happy – but very nervous to date again.

        1. JB says:


          I think I am just a bit old fashioned, or distrusting, or both! I was actually asked once for photos; The request was phrased in a subtle manner, but it was clear what was being asked. Needless to say, I refused! I don’t think I would even do that in a long term non-narc relationship, to be honest, just think that anything I do may be used as potential evidence against me later on! No evidence = no problem!

          1. Empath007 says:

            I only send pictures I’d be proud of the world to see 🙌🏻 Haha. If it leaks… I’d be upset they broke trust… but I don’t send anything that wouldn’t be seen all over Instagram these days.

            It’s actually very hard for me to tell whether he’s a narc or not… I didn’t think I would have such trouble detecting it tbh. I did not think he was a narc when he was my boss: he was always very clear and direct; never pitted staff against one another; did not play favourites with staff etc.

            But some of his messages could be read from multiple perspectives…. im seeing him over the weekend so I may get a better sense…

        2. JB says:

          Empath007, how did it go? (hope you don’t mind me asking)

          1. Empath007 says:

            Not great! I don’t think he’s an narcissist because he was still so torn up about his divorce.. it was very clear he was not ready to date. Very disappointing for me because this is the first time I put myself back out there in a while. And… I had very strong feelings for him that I had bottled up for a long time.

            But, I’ll surive 🤷🏻‍♀️

          2. JB says:

            Sorry it didn’t work out Empath007, that’s tough xx

    3. Asp Emp says:

      E007, I read your comment and HG’s response to you. Have you seen these articles HG did some time ago?

      I found these useful and kept a note of the articles so that I can refer to if I absolutely need too 🙂

      1. Empath007 says:

        Forgot about these! Thank you! We’ve only tried one of these over text so far… in person is much better.

        1. Asp Emp says:

          E007, you’re welcome. Hope they come in useful. Be careful, but, have fun 🙂

  5. Duchessbea says:

    HG, are you watching the Johnny Depp court case. Hearing Johnny’s description of Amber Heard from the beginning of their relationship through to the changes he started noticing in her to becoming a completely different person to the one he had first met, it is every piece of your advice told in real time through someone unfortunate to have been ensnared. I feel so sorry for Johnny Depp. A very decent guy and says it like it is. It is so true having listened to everything that Johnny had to say, and everything that you have said, that you really need to watch out for those red flags and never ignore them. If you are doing commentary on the case HG, I would find it very interesting to hear your take on it.

    1. Violetta says:

      I hope ‘Arry has been watching (or recording it, if he’s doing IG stuff), because he needs to recognize the pattern too.

  6. Duchessbea says:

    HG, I howled with laughter at the latest Harry’s wife Part 95.11. Like everybody else, very much enjoying this series. You are having great fun with this series HG. I thought she was very out of touch at the Invictus Games – everyone was wearing tracksuits, casual clothes – Megsie was wearing three thousand dollar outfits, six thousand dollar outfits and twelve thousand dollars worth of jewelery. Very much down with the people… Hmmm, sitting here wondering what a meeting in person between Megsie and our beloved HG would be like… Ohhh to be a fly on that wall.

    1. Bubbles says:

      Dearest Duchessbea,
      Why was she even there …’s Harry’s gig, not hers ?
      Because her narcissism won’t allow him any of his ‘own’ pleasures
      Her coat performance was all staged, tch tch 🎭 (she even looked at the cameras when she’d done it) 🤣
      You should be home looking after your children, oh so self proclaimed protective mother 😂
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. Duchessbea says:

        Very much agree with you. Remember these two are looking for a much more private life. They have accepted the Queen’s invitation to stand on the balcony to celebrate her incredible milestone and Jubilee in June. The Jubilee and the Balcony are watched by millions of people. I don’t know your definition of privacy but I’m sure it is not standing in the middle of a balcony being watched by millions of people. I don’t know. They say one thing and do another. Hmmm. You can certainly say one thing for Meghan – she never turns down an opportunity for more spotlight. Sad but true.

        1. Bubbles says:

          Dearest Duchessbea.
          Absolutely spot on
          Also, if she hates England so much and says she will never live there again, why retain her Duchess title ????
          Narcs are such hypocrites !!
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. Duchessbea says:

            You are right on point could not have said it better myself. Truly incredible.

      2. Violetta says:

        Did you see the video on her smirk? My Jr high frenemy had that exact same smirk. It gives me a shudder to see it now, and remember how I squashed my own misgivings and scolded myself for being critical and even Envious (anathema maranatha!) of my older and much kewler friend, who had kindly (and inexplicably, til years later) allowed a little dweeb like me into her social circle.

        1. Duchessbea says:

          You were then and are now a much cooler and decent person than she ever will be. Empaths may be few and far between compared to narcs but we will always outrank on decency and doing the right, and best thing.
          Now you know, you go, get out, stay out and have nothing to do with them and live a happy and joyful life.

  7. A Victor says:

    Today at Easter with my family my mom was sitting with my son and my youngest daughter’s boyfriend. First she told the bf that she was happy he was taking such good care of her granddaughter then she proceeded to basically accuse him of abusing her granddaughter. She’s such a fucking narc. My son just about fell off his chair.

    1. Bubbles says:

      Dearest A Victor,
      Wow, that was unexpected.😱
      How old is your mum AV and does she have any underlying cognitive impairments or other issues in that area eg dementia, Alzheimers or memory loss aside from her narcissism ?
      I’ve been witnessing this form of aggression from our dear ol friend over the last 5 years. It’s unexpected, very unpleasant but it’s sadly what the elderly can go thru.
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Bubbles, that is a good question. I wonder whether HG would consider expanding on this as part of his articles on ‘The Ageing Narcissist’? Or, as part of narcissism alongside other neurodiversities? Thank you for asking about this, Bubbles 🙂

        Thank you, HG, I know you have a lot on and it was just a moment’s thought x 🙂

        1. Bubbles says:

          Dearest Asp Emp,
          Mum had a fall two weeks ago and is still in hospital. Her narc traits are still being displayed to me, but the nursing staff have said she’s ‘sooooo cute’ .

          She is very strong and determined and instead of lapping it all up, she’s fuming 😡
          I agree with your expansion from Mr Tudor in this area
          None of us are getting any younger 😂
          Thank you lovely 🥰
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Bubbles, you have given a perfect example of positive fuel (nurses) and negative fuel (you). HG’s ‘A Very Lockdown Narcissist’ rings a bell here hence the fuming on her part? Yes, I think you may be referring to the cray-cray trolley “drivers” (laughing). I am just glad not to have the burden of not understanding myself (or other people for that matter 😉 ), as it makes shopping much easier and more fun 😉 I am sure you have got other and more important things to do than visit her? Hang in there Bubbles, love to you x 🙂

          2. NarcAngel says:

            Hi Bubbles

            It’s interesting to watch them in a setting like that. Charming the staff to get what they need while delivering a full set of knives into their turned backs before they’ve even left the room. That is why it annoys me when staff and others looking on blanket condemn family members who don’t visit. Just because they can’t see it doesn’t mean there doesn’t exist very good reason, and those who do visit can have a very different agenda to what is assumed.

          3. A Victor says:

            Hi Bubbles,
            Your comment here really resonates with me. My mom has most people absolutely buffaloed that she is a wonderful, sweet person. Very seldom does she have cracks in her facade around anyone outside of those living in her home at any given time. On Sun there was a wake for my cousin’s husband. I don’t see my cousins often and though they live not far away, during my dad’s illness, they weren’t around much at all, which was really best. Since that time, they have seen my mom without me on occasion, so I thought they were all in her court. Sun was so nice because my living arrangement with my mom was brought up by my cousins to me, she was not within earshot, and I was so shocked that they all really understood! They said they couldn’t live with their mother either, I’m 99% sure she’s a narc also, but it was so nice to just hear that. I’d been avoiding them a bit but now I may get to spend some time with them. They have largely written off their parents years ago, both likely narcs, but I didn’t understand the bigger picture until Sun. It was so nice to have their support. Anyway, isn’t it amazing how the narcs can buffalo so many? Really something.

          4. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Asp Emp and NarcAngel,
            Thank you two lovelies for your comments
            I’ve been spending all my time driving to see mum each day, roughly a 4 hour round trip including seeing her, that’s apart from prepping her home for when she returns home.
            She turned 91 in hospital and only allowed 1 visitor per day…..that’s me ! Covid regulations
            She bursts into tears as soon as I walk in the room and says how much she hates it there and it’s nothing but a prison. Where have I heard that before haha ?
            I’m not sure she will be fully capable of looking after herself and her cats anymore, so I have organised a home care package for 3 months to begin with. She may have to move in with us if it doesn’t work 🤪

            I’m in full control of what happens to mum, so she is playing the game with every ounce of empathic traits she can muster. Mum knows she’s totally helpless and that’s why she’s fuming.

            She did herself a fair bit of damage with her fall, her main being a fractured elbow.

            I have thought about those who don’t get visitors in hospitals and the aged care facilities I visit and thought to myself, maybe, because you’re a narc. They tell me their families are ‘busy’. Ooooookaaaaayyyy 😉

            Ps The weasel didn’t turn up to the march 😱 that’s a huge deal for him, must’ve been pretty major but so fantastic for us 😂🤣

            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          5. Asp Emp says:

            Ah, Bubbles. That amount of driving is a lot, even for you. It is good that you have made the arrangements for the 3 month period. Do the cats need to go somewhere else if absolutely necessary? I can imagine the anger about being less mobile because of the restrictions of moving around. When muvver was in hospital, she never said thanks for the effort I made to drive and see her in god-awful weather conditions in the middle of winter. Yeah, my sister & I did go and visit her on Xmas Eve, we didn’t stay long 🙂 O M G, Bubbles. Seriously?! (about her living with you) She will drive you absolutely nuts! Hopefully you will not have to have her to live with you. Your house = your rules, lay down the empath’s Law 😉 I wish you the best of luck, Bubbles xx

          6. Bubbles says:

            Dearest A Victor,
            Thank you for sharing your story AV
            Incredible isn’t it, that your cousins said they could see thru her facade and you weren’t aware. Nobody says anything for fear of offending. Doesn’t it feel better to have others see the big picture and not feel so alone anymore ? I’m very relieved and happy for you AV to have reconnected with others members of your family and although it may not solve the problem, it sure helps in the big scheme of things even if it’s just for moral support.

            Also, false alarm 🚨…..mum is not coming to live with us now. Mine is a clear example of getting caught up in the whirlwind and seriously having an emotional crisis resulting in poor lack of judgment in a spur of the moment situation resulting in instant insanity decision making.
            This is what happens when dealing with narcs, it’s never ending drama that distorts your thinking. Why do we have to be the ones constantly on guard?
            I now know better
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          7. A Victor says:

            Dear Bubbles, that was possibly the best news I had all day, about your mum not moving in! Woohoo!! Very happy for you.

            Thank you for your kind words about my family situation. These things are really nice, I agree.

          8. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Asp Emp,
            Thank you for your support lovely and providing further clarity.
            I think mum’s case assessor wanted to offload mum onto me; easiest option from their perspective but pressured me with services being cut off, I felt backed into a corner.
            I was on my own with mum at the time and the pressure and emotions were enormous, it’s so easy to get caught up in the narc net.

            I went home and organised an urgent family gathering and the consensus was to fulfil her wishes and send her back home to be with her cats (who have been holidaying in style in a cattery) If she falls again, she’s going into aged care as it means she can’t look after herself.

            Mum does feel very restricted, angry and throw in tears galore. It’s a repetitive instant replay as soon as she sees me, when the nurses come in it’s all sugar and spice.

            She couldn’t care less about me driving all that distance to see her, it’s all about HER going home and seeing HER cats.

            Right now, Mr Bubbles needs me as he is having further health issues. Having to look after mum would be 24/7.

            I put my hand up to help the weasel and it got me here. I can see clearly now AV and I agree with you entirely, she would drive me absolutely nuts….. more like insane hehe

            I’m sorry you endured similar with your Muvver AV and how parallel and evident our stories all really are

            Thank you again AV for your care and support, I’m now back on track and focused 💕
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          9. Asp Emp says:

            Bubbles, thank you for your response.

            Wow, seriously, OMFkgG wow. The case assessor put pressure on you?! I would have responded to that in my unique way. It annoys me, Bubbles, that you are driving that distance and then having to deal with mother and (sounding like) a care assessor that couldn’t really give a rat’s ass either way.

            Has mother been told that if she falls again, she will end up in a place where people like her stay for the rest of their lives? And that her cats may not be able to go there with her?

            Have you told her that she cannot live with you because you have a husband to care for and you married him. Consider the fact that you cannot spend so much time away from your husband, as he needs you more than mother does. Her living with you is not an option. Husband comes first, not mother.

            Muvver behaved (like as you explained about your mother’s behaviour) in front of my sister – she went off the rails and had to be sedated. Because my sister said to her, you are dying and will not be going back home again (because she kept falling over, or was drinking again – her illness was advanced by this point). Basically, her narcissism just went out of control in sheer WTF reaction. My sister was not as ‘emotive’ as I am and I think she adapted her ‘lecturer’ stance / voice towards muvver (LOL).

            Maybe you could, if you feel you need to, have a consult with HG to have a chat, even if it is in advance?

            Stay strong, Bubbles, stand your ground. Thank you for acknowledgement of support / care, that is partly what this place is for. Hugs to you 🙂 xx

          10. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Asp Emp,
            Thank you for your reply and sharing more of your story lovely ☺️
            Mum’s case is being reassessed for her to go home, it’s a slow process. Mum skipped the queue going thru hospital rather than a 6-9 month waiting period. The care system is currently overloaded and understaffed, so for me to take her home would’ve been a blessing and no more paper work for the assessor.

            Mum’s definitely not as bad as your muvver, to be sedated is huge ! That is something I would not want to witness and I’m so sad you did AV, most disturbing for you as you have vivid lasting affecting memories of it. 😔
            Yes yes n yes to all your questions, she knows if she can’t look after herself, she does not pass go and and does not collect $200, she goes directly and immediately to jail.

            My problem is overcoming ‘feeling guilty’ about her impending final outcome as she asked me to promise never to put her in aged care.

            It’s funny, mum keeps saying how SHE looked after HER mother and how I’M expected to do the same with HER. My mum put her mum in a nursing home, visited her and did her washing, she never lived with my mum, yet my mum big notes herself all time about it.

            I just have to keep reminding myself ……’in the end, I’m doing the right thing and have her best interests at heart’ There is no alternative!

            Mr Bubbles is my top priority, then my family, then my mum .
            Warmest kind thanks for your words AV, encouragement, helpful ideas and suggestions.
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          11. Asp Emp says:

            Bubbles, thank you for your response. I was not present when muvver was sedated, my sister was there. I love it – your reference to the ‘Monopoly’ game 🙂 It matters not, regardless of your mother looking after her mother – is there proof of that? That is “history” and things may have been done like that back then. This is now, things change with the times, it does not mean you have to ‘oblige’ to her, in fact, as you say, you have ‘allegiance’ to your husband 🙂 Good to read that you have prioritised who and in what order and that is the logical thinking. Glad to have helped you a bit, thank you for acknowledgement. Hope Mr Bubbles is doing ok. Hugs to you, Bubbles 🙂

      2. A Victor says:

        Hi Bubbles, she is 82 but no, she has no underlying issues or impairments, she’s always said things like this, just usually it’s been done where her kids see it, not her grandkids. The boyfriends have always heard some questionable word or another from her. What’s also concerning to me is her doing it in front of my son, that speaks to how she views him, as she does me. I’ve seen her getting bolder in her games in other ways with him also. Now that he’s wise to it, he will say something next time.

        1. Bubbles says:

          Dearest A Victor,
          Did anyone call her out, challenge, comment or correct her AV, ‘what do you mean by that gran and what makes you say that’ ? They would’ve been perfectly within their rights to do so .
          Interesting she has no cognitive decline issues at 82 years old
          I’m sorry your family and partners had to go thru that at Easter (narcs always luv to stuff up special occasions, as we all know)

          I have no hesitation now in calling out someone’s comment, no matter who they are.
          With our greater friend, I repeat what he says and ask what he means by his statement or question. Shuts him up pretty quick 😂

          A male colleague of Mr Bubbles has a dry, sharp, witty, clever, tad sarcastic and very quick demeanour about him. A lot of people miss his underlying remarks as he’s rather quiet and stoic in his facial expressions. I listen intently and pick up on most of what he he says …..he’s quite surprised, but at the same time rather impressed with me 🤣
          Yes, he’s a narc ! (his ex wife, who is my friend, said he was very controlling)
          I have Mr Tudor to thank for my improved listening and observation skills hehe

          In a way, it’s good the family are now all onto her narc antics. They will all learn a lot and end up stronger and wiser….. always turn a negative into a positive, it’s the only way to travel
          My thoughts are with you AV and your dear family
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. A Victor says:

            Hi Bubbles,
            No, my son was too caught off guard to say anything and besides him, the only other one who heard it was the boyfriend she said it to. But my son will be prepared if it happens again, he couldn’t believe it!! Yeah, she’s still very sharp mentally.

            Thank you for sharing your experiences, they are encouraging to hear, it is helpful to know that we are not the only ones to experience these things, like we are not nuts for taking offense at her behaviors. People who don’t see it, don’t believe it. And now she’s always smearing me to my kids, that I don’t help her with things, take care of her or the house etc. She does it where I can hear her doing it, it’s quite devious. All of her stupid games make the ANC that I usually do much easier.

          2. A Victor says:

            PS, thank you for your kind words. Very much appreciated, always. 💕

          3. Bubbles says:

            Dearest A Victor,
            You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t !
            You just can’t win with a narc ….can you ?

            If it helps ease the pain, looks like my mum is coming to live with me, as of next week 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          4. A Victor says:

            Bubbles!! Oh no, I am so sorry to hear this! Glad you have Mr Bubbles to help. Oh boy, I hope you will be okay! Is it temporary?

  8. Asp Emp says: to like

    HG, I started laughing as I read you words “You could have pretended not to hear” – I did! Seriously though, the shop guy has been out of sight for a couple of weeks now….ah, dearie me, then again, I did ‘deliver’ a right snub (smirk).

  9. Pamela Swain says:

    I think you get pleasure out of trying to control me. Naughty man.

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