Angel Assistance Fund : A Direct Plea From Kimberly

 

 

 

I finally escaped my 12 year abusive relationship. I was so happy to be free and have the chance to find love again. I had built myself back up again and was embracing who I was for the first time in my life. 3 months later I thought I had found love. I was in his area at the factory one night and felt a positive energy coming from him. I went back and got his Facebook information and messaged him. I said I didn’t know if it was obvious but I was interested in him. He said it was but he had too many personal issues and wouldn’t want it to be a one night stand. He said that was the only reason why. It should have been a sign for me to stay away but it wasn’t. I thought everything would be ok if he only had someone who truly loved and cared about him. I had compassion for him and wanted him to have something good. I kept talking to him over text and he seemed to be gradually warming up to me. The texts were casual at first but then became more serious.

He asked me if I wanted kids and I said yes. He said “good. That way one of us won’t have to change our minds.” We were talking about Bora Bora being a perfect place for a honeymoon. He said he couldn’t wait to start this chapter of his life with me. He said he was amazed I was breaking through his walls. I had told him that I tended to put other people above myself and he said he did the same thing. I told him about my past abusive relationship and he said “all of that is about to change. I’m going to treat you so well.” I thought I had found someone who I could fully be myself with and safely give my heart to. As the conversation headed in a sexual direction and we started to make some plans I told him I couldn’t mess around because I wanted to have kids. I just wanted him to know I wanted a serious relationship. Before we met in person for the first time outside of work he started to set some terms. Because I was so sure about him I went along with his terms. A plan was made to sleep together on the first date and to also get drunk. I tried to tell him I would like to be in a relationship if we were sleeping together and he said something like he didn’t want to be in a relationship right away because it takes time to establish and to get to know each other. He said “lets not take the sex out of it though.” He said something like “I got burned in my last relationship I just want to have fun.” I went along with it because I already believed he was the one for me and that he cared about my well being. When I met him that first weekend I gave myself to him completely. He ended up ending things with me after the first weekend. He said he felt like a terrible person for what he had done. He said he thought he had been ready for a relationship but he wasn’t. He told me he had woken up during the night and was freaking out but didn’t want to wake me. He said if he didn’t see a future with me he wouldn’t try. He said we could try but would have to go much slower. Eventually he backed off of it all together and said he didn’t think it was a good idea. I didn’t give up though and about a month later he came back. It took about 4 months before he gave me the title of a girlfriend. I felt like I was in the position of trying to convince him of my worth. In this same conversation he told me about how all of his previous girlfriends either left him or cheated on him. He told me he had trust issues. I made it a point then to never leave him and I never did.

In the span of 2 years he left me 4 times. The last time was the most devastating. He used the subject of kids to end the relationship.  He said he didn’t want to have kids on my timeline and didn’t want to take that away from me. Months before when I asked him if he wanted to have kids and get married in the next couple of years he said yes. I’m 33 and need to be careful with my time so I wanted to make sure we were on the same page. I told him it was ok if he didn’t want to, I just needed to know. I gave him multiple outs and he said yes. Whenever I brought up what he said about wanting those things he said that he wanted me to have what I wanted in life and was trying to convince himself for me. I was devastated at the time because I had bought a house and was expecting him to propose and live here with me but he got his own place instead. I told him I wanted him to live here with me but wanted to get married first. All he said to that was “well that’s not going to happen tomorrow.” He never told me he wouldn’t get married first. He never gave me a chance to work with him on a solution. I had a terrible experience living with my ex and had told myself I would never put myself in that position again of living with someone and hoping they would one day propose and marry me. One day he said he was going to move to his great grandma’s house because she couldn’t live there anymore and he had the opportunity to see if he wanted to buy it. He was living with his grandparents before this. After opening up to him about how hurt I was he blamed me and said I backed him into a corner because of my mindset of wanting to get married first.  After talking about living together more I came around to the idea of living together before marriage. After telling me we would figure out which house we would live in (after I told him how upset I was) he backed off of it. He said that we weren’t getting along right now and specifically brought up a specific incident when I was upset and said we also needed to figure out the kids situation before living together. After the breakup I tried to work with him on the timeline of having kids since that was the reason he used. He proceeded to tell me that kids are too important and there should be no compromise at all. I told him I could wait a couple of years more and he said he wouldn’t be comfortable with me being in that position because it was unsafe and was like me giving up what I wanted. He just didn’t want to be with me but took what I cared about the most and used it as the reason to break up with me.  He disguised his lack of care as concern. I once again find myself destroyed but I am fighting my way back to myself.

I want to bring clarity to my mind and peace to my heart. I want to heal so this time I can find a love that is actually real, not an illusion. Any donation would be greatly appreciated. It is difficult for me to live on my own and pay for all the expenses involved with a house. I want to put the money towards buying more word packages for the narc detector consult. I want to provide HG with all the necessary details. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for any donations.

Sincerely,

Kimberly

 

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8 thoughts on “Angel Assistance Fund : A Direct Plea From Kimberly

  1. FYC says:

    Hello Kimberly, I’m so sorry you are in pain. I hesitate to respond, as there is a lot to unpack in your message, but I will do my best to offer a different perspective in an effort to assist.

    First, congratulations on leaving an abusive relationship. Well done. My guess is that before you embarked on that relationship at the age of 21 or thereabouts, you desired to find love and give love. No doubt, this was also, in part, what you sought in your next relationship. You also state that you are keenly interested in starting a family. I don’t know if this is the case, but it is common when one has a dream of something, that dream can be projected onto a situation and/or a person such that your feelings that develop may become conflated with your dream and impact your ability to see the situation/person objectively. If you strongly desire love and marriage and to start a family, you may fall prey to confirmation bias. This means you only seek, see or acknowledge only that which fits your hopes and dreams, and you forget or dismiss that which does not. It seems this may be what has, in part, taken place.

    Your feelings for him preceded your actual forming of a relationship. You further believed you could rescue or heal his issues through your consistent giving of love and understanding. Please know this will never work with anyone. You cannot fix or heal another person no matter how much you love them. They must do the work on their own. Healthy people will not want this, and narcissists will take advantage of this. In general, when someone is avoidant in their behavior, the more you continue to advance towards your goals with them the further they will retreat. You may find some assistance by searching pursuit/avoidance.

    With regard to what he said and did not say, you cannot read between the lines and come up with any reasonable answer. Instead, read his actions. You were in pursuit of your dreams and hopeful for a good outcome. At times he went along, but consistently retreated. He did not respect your desire for a committed relationship before sex, but more importantly, neither did you. I understand this was very difficult for you because you had big feelings for him, and even bigger hopes and dreams, but if this was/is important to you, you have to maintain your boundaries for yourself. No one else will do that for you. The only thing worse than not reaching your goals of love and family is to get married and have children with someone who does not love you the way you need to be loved, or worse, is a narcissist and will leave you in many kinds of pain.

    It is difficult to tell if this person you reference is a narcissist. He clearly demonstrates some selfishness and future faking, pity plays and blame shifting. But he may also be narcissistic and have attachment issues. I strongly recommend you access the Narc Detector to confirm. This is the best starting point. I would also strongly recommend the Empath Detector. I believe you will learn a great deal about yourself that will be most useful.

    As you go forward, I hope you focus on creating the life you want for yourself, instead of hoping to find someone to fit the role and fill it. You can do this. Once you do, you are far more likely to have the right person want to share that with you. No convincing required. They will show up, respect you, be kind considerate and show all of these things consistently in their actions.

    I wish you the very best. I believe you will find a lot of free information on this site that will help you prepare as you go forward, regardless if your ex is a narcissist or not. I know you will not regret your investment of time in acquiring the unparalleled knowledge offered here. Lastly, please ingnore comments that blame, shame and judge–these reveal a lack of empathy, among other things.

  2. Joa says:

    Oh, what a lovely gentleman, so much like “my” N2 🙂

    Girl, don’t expect anything from him. You’re right, you’ll never get, what you want most. The angler will not release the rod he is catching.
    And it will be difficult for you to accuse him of anything. He always wanted your happiness… I remember it all too well.

    Hang on and run. You still have a chance to make your dream! But… not at any cost. Sometimes life brings the best solutions, but we didn’t necessarily want them.

  3. Samantha says:

    Well I hate to say it but he told her right from the start that he didn’t want something serious and she persisted and persisted and persisted and now he’s the evil doer here? NO.

    1. Viol. says:

      “I said I didn’t know if it was obvious but I was interested in him. He said it was but he had too many personal issues and wouldn’t want it to be a one night stand. He said that was the only reason why.”

      That is hardly the same as saying, “Sorry, I don’t have romantic feelings for you” or “Just looking for a knee-knocker in the alley, meself.” He said he didn’t want a one-night stand, when that’s exactly what he did want. Every time he made a decision, he assured her that it was for her sake.

      If he really wasn’t up for it, he could have ignored her texts. Asked the manager to speak to her, if necessary. Or he could have specified, “No strings. How ’bout that alley, then?”

      This “I’m doing this because you deserve better, darling” routine is bullshit.

    2. Sweetest Perfection says:

      If you hate to say it don’t say it. Please do not use this blog for victim blaming. Many victims come here looking for a solution and for understanding. FUCK HIM and his future faking and his shelving and his manipulation to have sex and his lack of accountability and his triangulations. Not wanting a relationship is not carte blanche to abuse a person. If he didn’t want anything with her he wouldn’t have played with her feelings for so long. You could persist and persist and persist that you love me and if I’m genuinely not interested I don’t use you as a way to satisfy my void soul. This stinks of NARC.

      1. FoolMe1Time says:

        I couldn’t have said it any better SP!

    3. lickemtomorrow says:

      I’ve had the same ‘bait and switch’ pulled on me.

      Excellent comments Violetta and SP. Thank you for taking the shame out of this situation.

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