Emotional Thinking : Tenacity

 

TENACITY

 

You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.

But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.

Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.

Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.

You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.

Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.

Try to understand that.

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14 thoughts on “Emotional Thinking : Tenacity

  1. Cindy says:

    Do you know why we try so hard to re-engage? Because we can feel the emptiness inside you. We can see in your eyes the little child who doesn’t feel loved. Revisit the past? Share more with the amazing man you were in the beginning? Sure. Of course. But that isn’t why we continue to try. We continue because that child is worth saving. Even if you aren’t.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Emotional thinking.

      1. Contagious says:

        Sadly yes and without any empirical evidence it works. Anyone out their actually saved a Narc? Maybe Churchill … in part…when Hitler killed himself.

    2. Viol. says:

      Cindy, you mean “Share more with the amazing people they i>pretended to be in the beginning.” None of it is real.

      1. Cindy says:

        You’re right. The word “pretend” was missed there. Thanks!

    3. NarcAngel says:

      Cindy

      Sounds a lovely thing to say, but then wouldn’t that line of reasoning also apply to continuing to save/ preserve your own little child when it is being devalued and unloved by disengaging? You too are worth it. Even if you think you’re not. Ask yourself why the importance that their child be saved over your own.

      1. Cindy says:

        My value can certainly be tainted temporary by an outside force, but not destroyed. Never destroyed. My child grew up.

        I feel nothing but sorry for narcissists. Not sorry enough to get close to one again. But what a sad life to have people that actually want to care for you–warts and all–and not have the capacity to accept that. Not even be able to appreciate the value of that.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          We do accept it, it is called fuel.

          1. lou says:

            can you talk about animals please i cant seem to find anything on the Narc and his relationship to pets and animals. Do Narcissists feel anything for animals is my question ? Does the lack of empathy only relate to humans or can they feel empathy for animals ? I read a french novel by the authour Collette called Cheri . One sentence in it seemed to sum up for me that he protagonist was a narcissist was that animals seemed to diss-like him . I then went to Italy and had an affair with a young guy who is the weirdest most scary narcissist i have ever met and as a result of it I am on your websites and found you . The one thing that struck me was that my dog was terrified of him , she is 11 years old and never been scared of anyone in her whole life . But suddenly she was quivering under the bed and wetting herself whenever he was around . He had not actually abused her because I never left her alone with him . I was too scared to to leave her alone with him . But he was sadistic offering treats and pulling them away last moment etc .

          2. Cindy says:

            Short-term fuel. But to nurture a bond of some sort with someone who knows who and what you are could be a long-term investment in fuel, couldn’t it?

            Or do you or ones like you not believe the day will come when you’re too old and unattractive to entice new supply? What happens then…when you can’t anymore?

            Do you die? Maybe just inside?

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Ah the “too old and unattractive to entice new appliances”. How the cling to that ideal. Yes, it happens for some of our kind (see The Ageing Narcissist) but not all of our kind. There is much that remains that will attract appliances and more importantly keep existing ones in place. It is not necessary to keep attracting new appliances, the existing ones are kept hold of and revisited.

      2. Gypsy Heart says:

        NA,

        I really needed to hear this also. I always seem to be so concerned with other people’s inner child that I usually tend to neglect my own inner child. I am just now starting to learn that it is ok to attend to her needs and put her first.

        I had been so busy with my family and career and decisions being made for the greater good of the family and my patients that I let go of a lot of my interests and passions. Now that I’m on my own and so much more free time it is like I don’t know what to do with myself.

        I have just now started rediscovering my interests again and I am like an adult with severe ADHD. I have so many projects and books strung out all over the apartment and seem to want to do them all at once and keep bouncing around from one thing to the next. I’ve been lost thinking “who am I going to take care of now”? Reflecting on your comment; the answer is crystal clear.

        Thank you for your comments NA. You always come across as very insightful (and amusing). Many times I have spit my coffee across the room when reading one of your comments. 😂

    4. Sweetest Perfection says:

      I ain’t saving shit.

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