The Immediate Aftermath of Disengagement



You have been dis-engaged from. The all too inevitable entanglement with our kind. Whether we disappeared without a word, told you we needed space for ourselves or hurled insults at you as to why we hated you and wanted you to drop dead, the fact remains you have been dis-engaged from. Your emotions are raw as this event was only a couple of weeks ago.

To exacerbate this unpleasant, bewildering and upsetting situation you know that we have a new love interest. With what seemed to you to be unnatural haste, we have been seen with a new lady on our arm, your stalking of our Facebook profile reveals we have a new boyfriend from the plethora of loved-up comments and repeated pictures of us arm in arm, grinning out at you as if we are revelling in your misery. You have not yet ascertained that as we devalued you, your replacement was being seduced and to all intents and purposes we appear to have dumped you and secured another partner in the blink of an eye. How could we do this? After all the things we said to you and all the deep and unwavering love that you have showed us, how could we be so uncaring, so nasty, such a downright bastard?

Your head is a whirlwind of questions? Why did he end things? Why did she do it that way? Who is the new person? What if they are happy together forever? What did you do wrong? What about sorting out those joint financial commitments? Could you have done something differently? Is there a chance of working things out? How can someone change like that? These questions and hundreds more torment you and it becomes unbearable. You need to talk to us. You alternate between hurt and angry, shifting between wanting to plead with us for another chance and then wanting to kick us in the balls. Most of all however, you want answers.

What then will happen if you decide to approach us during the aftermath? What reaction will you be met with if you send a message asking for answers to your questions or if you turn up somewhere to meet us in person for the purpose of obtaining some explanations? Naturally, at this juncture, undoubtedly unaware of who you have been entangled with, you do not know that you will not be given those answers. In part this is because there are no answers to give – why should we deign to answer you and do something that you want? Furthermore, many times we just do not have an answer because of the different perspective from which we operate. Add to that we will purposefully avoid giving you answers in order to keep you primed for a later hoover, to draw fuel from you and to frustrate you also.

As you may imagine, the reaction of our kind to being contacted during the initial aftermath of the dis-engagement will vary dependent on the school of narcissist that you have been dealing with. Before that is addressed, you should be aware of our general mind set at this time. You failed us. You may not have done anything wrong from your perspective but we regard you as having failed us and this led to our fuel needs being sought elsewhere and once they were secured, you were dis-engagement from. This is the most common reason for being discarded; we found a new primary source and once we were satisfied that this person was embedded, then we tossed you to one side. There are other reasons why you are discarded (see  5 Reasons We Discard You ) but the fact we have a new primary source embedded is the most common one.

When that happens we are infatuated with the new primary source. You are effectively forgotten about. You were once idealised, then you were demonised and now it is as if you do not exist because we have someone new and exciting to focus on. We do not want anything spoiling this golden period least of all the last appliance which failed us and malfunctioned and had to be placed on the scrap heap. Accordingly, if you make an appearance in some way by entering a sphere of influence  (The Spheres of Influence) then our reaction will be based on you being persona non grata and if you persist our view of you is one of antipathy, dislike and you are painted black.

Turning to the three schools of narcissism for their nuanced response to your appearance.

The Lesser

There is a good chance that the Lesser will have blocked you from social media and contacting him as part of him considering you effectively dead to him. If he has not done so and you send a message it will be ignored. He has no interest in drawing fuel from you at this point, someone else is servicing his fuel needs and you are just an irritant. If you persist in ringing or sending messages you can expect the following responses:-

“Stop ringing me I hate you.”

“Stop sending me messages, I don’t want anything to do with you.”

“Fuck off.”

“Keep contacting me and I will come down there and give you a kicking.”

The message is clear; you are unwelcome and the Lesser Narcissist wants nothing to do with you.

If you see the Lesser Narcissist and try to talk to him, he will evade you, tell you where to go and make a hasty retreat. He is not interested in you and if you try to stop him you can expect a savage verbal assault or even a physical assault as he wants you to leave him alone so he can concentrate on his new primary source. He has nothing to discuss with you, has no interest in fuel from you at this point and would prefer you to be dead.

The Mid-Ranger

If you are attempting to contact the Mid-Ranger through messages and telephoning you will also be ignored initially. If you persist in trying to make contact with him or her for the purposes of getting some answers, you can expect the following responses:-

“Leave me alone, I have nothing to say to you.”

“Stop stalking me.”

“Keep this up and I am informing the police.”

“Just stop, it is over, you have to accept it.”

The paranoia of the Mid-Ranger will mean that he is concerned you will wreck things with his new primary source by telling lies (the truth) about him. Whilst you’re contacting him, he will be showing the new primary source that you are pestering him to accord with the smearing you will have already received. This smearing will continue as you are painted as an obsessive who will not let go, a stalker with mental health issues and a bunny boiler who cannot accept the relationship is over. The new primary source, the façade, the coterie and the Lieutenants will all be told about this ongoing behaviour (suitably embellished) so you are regarded as crazy and out of order. The Mid-Ranger thus preserves the façade and creates a toxic environment so if you do manage to see him or her face to face, you will not be believed and seen as trouble maker.

If an in person encounter takes place, you can expect the Mid-Ranger to want to get the hell out of there. He is preoccupied with the new primary source, he does not want you spoiling that arrangement and wants you to disappear. Lacking the aggression of the Lesser, he will wheel out Lieutenants to make you go away, threaten the use of law enforcement and appeal to others to see exactly why he needed to get rid of you in the first place. He also does not want fuel from you, he just wants you to clear off and leave him to get on with his new play thing unhindered.

The Greater

It is the Greater who welcomes you foolishly getting in touch during his new golden period with the replacement primary source. Suitably confident of his abilities and this new entranced primary source, if you begin to message him, he will seize on this chance to triangulate you with the new primary source, to punish you for failing him and to manipulate you further.

Your text messages and calls will be met with a friendly and amenable response. All the while, the Greater, already having smeared you left, right and centre, will be revelling in you trying to broker a meet-up in order to talk. He will be telling the façade and coterie that he feels sorry for you, that he needs to humour you so you don’t do anything crazy and thus paints himself as the good guy to all those watching. His responses will be along the lines of:-

“Good to hear from you, I hope you are well, what do you want to talk about?”

(What he really means is, good to hear from you because I can manipulate you, I know you aren’t well but what do I care, make me feel special by telling me what you want to talk about.)

“Well, yes we can meet-up but you do know I am with someone else now don’t you, so don’t get any ideas okay?”

“I don’t really see what there is to talk about, but I am willing to listen, I am reasonable.”

“Yes okay we can meet up if it will help you deal with what has happened.”

This apparent caring attitude and pleasantness is all fake. You are being strung along.

When you do meet the Greater, you can expect the new primary source to be there to add to your humiliation as the Greater looks lovingly at her, says good things about her and then when she goes to get a drink, the Greater will lean across the table and snarl at you for having the audacity to get in touch.

If the new primary source is not brought along, the Greater will toy with you, like a cat with a mouse. Letting you speak, enjoying the fuel as you plead, cry and become angry with him or her. He will feign dismay at your behaviour whilst inside he is laughing at you, pleased with this further boost of fuel, supremely confident that you cannot wreck his new golden period because you have been smeared and character assassinated to a figurative death. Nobody is going to believe you and therefore he is not going to pass up the chance to draw fuel from you, both positive and negative once again. He of the three is the one who is content to respond and meet with you, not that it will get you anywhere at all.

Tempting as it is to want to contact the narcissist when you have been dis-engaged from and he is in a new golden period, you will get nowhere. He has someone new now and wants to focus on her. You are an irritant, an annoyance, a reminder of failure or in the case of the Greater something to toy with further for the purpose of gaining fuel. Instead, use the period whilst the narcissist is distracted with his new plaything to build your defences, gain understanding and prepare for the hoovers which will be following down the line.

32 thoughts on “The Immediate Aftermath of Disengagement

  1. annaamel says:

    Hello njfilly.

    I knew that in order to publish my post HG would read it, and felt confident he would remove the surname, as I have seen him recommend to others to post in a less revealing way. I felt it extremely unlikely my comment would appear at the same time as Jeff’s surname.

    His surname was so unusual it meant finding his online presence was very easy. Removing his surname means it will now be impossible.

    I indicated details in my post to show Jeff what can be gleaned from a quick internet search if he (even inadvertently) leaves too many traces of himself in a post. He had already mentioned that he had been accused of domestic violence in his post and he mentioned that she and he were battling for the assets. There were more info besides these details which I found (again pretty easily) but I didn’t post them because they had not been referred to in Jeff’s post.

    I think it’s important for people to understand just how they present overall on the internet – and take care to reduce their footprint. I can understand your concern and I hope you and others can appreciate my reasons. If not, I am sorry.

    1. NarcAngel says:


      Was there also an element of Truth Seeking with regard to Jeff’s story? It appears so, as you could simply have stated it unwise to use one’s real name.

      1. annaamel says:

        Yes, possibly, NA. I am not sure what all the empath or narcissistic traits are but I think maybe some from each category were activated. I felt a bit iffy about Jeff’s post even though I had jumped to the assumption that he was an empath who had been done wrong because he was posting here (where empaths post) and said he’d been done wrong. Then I saw Kmac’s comment about her suspicions. She seemed immediately correct and I felt I’d fallen into a trap. That made me feel a bit embarrassed and maybe annoyed. I can’t recall the order that these things happened exactly – comments occur and are seen in an order that is not entirely chronological.

        I wanted to remove my original post – because I felt silly and gullible. But this seemed an awkward, slow and unlikely prospect. Then I thought – maybe I can make it better by making another post (always a winner). I thought maybe I can get a few birds with one good, well-aimed stone. I could let Jeff know that I know the bigger picture and not just the selective representation that he gave here (showing him); I could show the gang here (whose approval i want because I am new) that I am not a total sucker (reputation redeemed). I could ensure there would be no further trespass into Jeff’s personal sites (because I know that is wrong). I thought I’d draw a line under the interchange and that’d be it. Naïve. Then njfilly gave me what for, others liked her comment and I realised I’d made the whole situation worse. I was not just a sucker I was a possible narcissistic interloper with poor boundary recognition…

        With my limited understanding of the whole list, I am going to stab at these traits – vanity, pride, truth-seeking, anger. I am going to pull back a bit now and LEARN!

    2. njfilly says:


      I noticed that you did only mention things that had already been revealed, but you also provided more details which I did not think was necessary to prove your point, nor was it your place to provide those details about another commenters situation here on the blog.

      I don’t think you meant any harm, but I think it was misguided. I would be very angry if you did that to me. I can’t speak for Jeff or how he feels about it. You definitely proved your point, though.

  2. k mac says:

    Nevermind, his surname must have been on here prior to Anna’s last comment. Damn Anna, mad sleuthing skills!

    1. annaamel says:

      k mac, while my spidey senses are still very under-developed, they buzzed just enough so that after my initial post I was not entirely comfortable – and when I saw Jeff’s surname was on his post – I popped it into google to see if in fact was his real name. It absolutely was and a five minute search brought up a whole range of sites. I didn’t have to do much sleuthing at all. I wanted to remove my original post but didn’t think HG would go for that (No (no), no can do). I hope Jeff sees the recommendation and does not post his surname in future posts, and I hope that I better my skills in recognising red flags.

  3. KitKat says:

    I don’t know if it’s the shrooms again, but I swear I see all kinds of hidden images in your artwork.

    1. NarcAngel says:


      It’s not the shrooms. I see them too, although yours may be animated or in in sharper focus than mine haha.

      1. KitKat says:

        @Narc Angel We should definitely collaborate on this. Are you a Patreon member? I posted there about hidden images in the videos he did. I’ve also been posting in the private forum, but none of my comments are going through. @who cares had difficulty too.

        1. k mac says:

          KitKat I’ve seen some too! I thought I might be just seeing things.

          1. KitKat says:

            Are you following the Knowing HG series and doing the Clue Hunters? We def aren’t seeing things, I’ll point out something in this image. Zoom in on the bottom right corner. There are what looks to be shingles or bricks or planks of wood. Written on one is 5E8, or SE8. Do you see it?

        2. k mac says:

          Hi KitKat,
          No I’m not following the knowing HG blog. I was but I can’t find my way back to it and have forgotten the password. I lost interest because there was no activity on it for awhile. I have listened to all the knowing HG videos though. I have seen what I thought might be hidden images in his ultra logo. 🤔

  4. Contagious says:

    Has anyone seen Brad Pitts Recent GQ pic. He looks awful. I imagine losing 6 kids to alienation is hard. He speaks of leaving film. HG I can’t wait for you narc scope in this

  5. Wendy says:

    I just want to reiterate to anyone struggling with a new discard or escape, Its been over a year and I am still struggling. I am 90% strong and over it but that fucking 10% rears it’s ugly head occasionally! It did this weekend and I failed miserably. But, thankfully I jumped back on the HG wagon and here I am. Back to the site and blog that strengthens me every time.

    Thank you HG for giving me a place to
    come back to when I think I’m ok and don’t need this anymore. Then BAM!! That shit creeps up on me and I realize I’m vulnerable! So, I come drawing back to you and this site to strengthen me once again. Praise God,

    Thank you HG even though you don’t realize ,you are being used by YAWEH. The one and only true GOD of the universe! I know you think I am full of shit and so is my faith but I don’t give a flip! This southern Christian chick believes you are sent by my GOD. He uses the most unbelievable and unpredictable people and things to spread his divine knowledge. You were chosen by Him whether you believe in Him or not! I’m grateful! You are a biblical Cyrus and are serving the purposes of the most high God. The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. “שאלו שלום י

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Wendy, I am sorry to read that you ‘gave’ in to your ET while under another ‘influence’. It can and does happen, so give yourself some credit and you can take steps to reinforce your NC regime. I kept this link to HG’s comment about this to someone else from quite some time ago….

      Have you considered changing your number and not transferring the contacts over to the new number? I did that, twice, not in case I ‘gave’ in to my ET, but to make sure I cannot be contacted by a number of people that were “connected” to the MRN.

      You can ask yourself what was the trigger; why did the trigger happen to “permit” thoughts about IT to enter your mind and ‘infect’ your ET (even under the influence of something else that can and does contribute to the breaking of your NC regime).

      Many of us who have been / are on the same journey as you (learning about ET / LT / addiction to narcissism) will understand what you have experienced recently. HG understands all to well. There is a difference in saying “I want to contact the narcissist” and actually doing it. There was no indication in your recent comments that you were still thinking about that narcissist.

      BTW, I think you aptly wrote your comments here with this article’s image 🙂

    2. Anna says:

      Hi Wendy,
      Yes you are right, this blog really does help open our eyes about narcissicm for sure. Have you heard the saying “God works in mysterious ways”? I think this is indeed true.

      I find it is best to not use social media, and stay well away from my phone if I have had a drink. It is best.

      Take care

      Kind regards,

    3. k mac says:

      HI Wendy!
      I’m dealing with the same thing. I’m several years out from my narcissist as well. Me and my family moved to another state leaving behind all of our friends and family. This left me very emotionally disregulated. Although I would never return to my narc in particular, I could tell I was weakened. I now fully understand why narcissist like to isolate us. I returned here to review HG’s work and to strengthen my resolve. Unfortunately for us our addiction to the narcissist is a life long condition. Don’t be so hard on yourself for falling off the band wagon. We’ve all done it. Get back on and consider it part of the process. ❤

      1. Wendy says:

        Hi Kmac, omg! What a month this has been for me. I’ve taken a little break from my phone for awhile and the blog. Thank you for sharing this. I think I will be ok. The Ass never responded so I am grateful!

        I have actually had some tragic events happen in my family. I decided I needed a get away so I took off to a private island in the Bahamas! No, not Johnny’s island, lol (I wish!) it was a much needed get away and put things into perspective for me.

        When you lose a person in a very despicable and tragic way ( shot and killed!) it puts things into perspective.

        I’m still here and ok. I’m still weak at times but moving forward. Thanks for the kind words. You guys are an inspiration to me on this blog! I need to catch up!

        Hugs 🤗


  6. Wendy says:

    Ok, I have a confession to make. I fucking sent a message to the fucker while I was intoxicated by my mega pint the other day!! Omg! I am so ashamed and hoping and praying the POS had me blocked so he didn’t see the message. It was actually an insult that I sent to him but still! I’m sorry HG I have failed. You think you are strong and then you start sucking down bloody Mary’s and espresso martinis and your fucked! 😩 It’s all shit from there! It’s been a week with no response so I’m thinking he never got it! Go ahead HG, I’m ready for the reprimand!!

    1. WiserNow says:

      Go easy on yourself Wendy. There’s a corner in all of our souls where there’s a little troll who lives under a bridge. That corner is there even when the rest of our souls are green fields and forests filled with unicorns and happy, friendly bunnies 🐰🌻🐰

    2. KitKat says:

      Please don’t beat yourself up or be embarrassed. Mega pints have been the downfall of many a no contact regime. I had to delete the number from my phone just so I couldn’t text. Did I give it to my friend with the instructions not to let me have it unless under dire circumstances? Mayyyyybe.

  7. WiserNow says:

    The photo for this post reminds me of the destruction in Ukraine as a result of Russia’s invasion.

    This morning, I watched a news report about a shopping centre in Kremenchuk, Ukraine, that was bombed earlier this week while civilians were working and shopping inside. A teenager was interviewed in the report. Her mother was working at the centre and is still missing, and it appears, presumed dead.

    Just one family’s life and future irreparably damaged and changed. A young girl’s world and future shockingly and incomprehensibly altered in one day.

    This is only one attack in one location. It is one too many.

    The day after the attack, the Russian defence ministry released a statement claiming the centre was “non-functioning” and that it burned down after fire was sparked from a nearby bombing. This claim was fact-checked and found to be false. The shopping mall was bombed directly on a side wall while open and operating with shoppers and workers inside.

    The killing of innocent civilians and the bloody-minded destruction of public resources is abhorrent; and the denial and lies of the attackers shortly afterwards prove that.

  8. Jeff says:

    Hello HG,

    I was discarded in a brutal way. False accusations of domestic violence with the intent to gain sole possession of the home. It appears that she has been planning this type of exit for a year and a half. She would gather “evidence” assorted Ring Videos zoomed in on my hands. Claims of financial irresponsibility (those I believe were made to disguise the fact that she was stealing large amounts of money). She hid cameras in the house for the purpose of black mailing me. And she was cheating while calling me a liar, a cheater and a narcissist. I found out from her family that she’s done this to other IPS. I got ahold of one and she tried to get him fired, had to evict her, destroyed or sold his things on the way out. She makes deals in court then reneges later that day once the penalty has already been handed down to me. She had her last husband thrown in prison on rape charges. I’ve touched her in and smelled the stench of another man, she actually got excited and asked what that smelled like. I knew what it was immediately but ignored it like I did the rest of the red flags and gut feelings. She appears to use alias on dating sites to avoid somebody seeing her. I saw 4-5 of those a couple years back. Also evidence of sex addiction. She is the single biggest liar and the worst liar I have ever met. I honestly do not this she has ever told me the truth. The Calculating gets me here. Doesn’t a Sociopath fit that description?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Jeff, use this

      1. k mac says:

        My spidy senses are tingling in regards to Jeff. Men can and absolutely do get ensnared by narcissist but…

        1. annaamel says:


    2. annaamel says:

      Jeff, I want to be sympathetic – but I feel frustrated – with you. This woman is such bad news. You say you have been discarded. It sounds to me like you have been freed. Take your freedom and run. Get a good lawyer to fight for yo because she will take all your assets if she can. Consider yourself lucky that the relationship is over. Don’t ever go back to her. If you cannot do this – and feel tempted to interact with her or think of her fondly – use the consultations on this site so HG can talk some sense into you. Hugs for you.

      1. annaamel says:

        You may want to consider posting anonymously here, Jeff. I looked up your name and you have a substantial internet presence. Maybe HG can remove your surname.

        This woman you refer to seems to be your soon to be ex-wife. I can see the filing of domestic violence against you. I see that you filed for divorce from her. There was info on her as well on various sites. The situation is clearly more complex than I had assumed when I saw your post. You seem to have been separated for more than a year, and you obviously have lawyers working on your behalf already. Hopefully the court will be able to get to the truth and make a determination which is fair to you.

        I still wish you hugs. You need to be very selective in who you marry, Jeff – you know that.

        1. k mac says:

          You looked up Jeff and got all that?

          1. A Victor says:

            There’s a lot of information about us out there. I had been advised to Google myself and sure enough, all kinds of info, not all completely accurate. I deleted what I could and corrected the rest, whether that was the wise thing to do or not, I don’t know. But it was a bit surprising. If someone used a professional people finder they can get a lot more than what I found in just the Google search.

        2. njfilly says:

          I am shocked that you recommend to Jeff that he post here anonymously, while simultaneously searching for his information online and then take the initiative to post what you found in a blog comment.

          Perhaps it was an oversight that he used his last name. The information about him is public-yes, since you found it online, but was it necessary to post that information here?

          It’s one thing if a person reveals personal information about themselves on the blog, it is another for somebody else to do it.

          1. k mac says:

            Right njfilly? I was like dayyyyam!

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