Just the Way It Is
By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.
In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.
This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream alone and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.
I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.
I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from threats to our control. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.
In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.
8 thoughts on “Just the Way It Is”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Hello HG,
I would like to ask you about weak people and strong people (I am not sure if weak people are also called snowflakes?). I watch your videos and read your articles regularly. In one of your interview you said that you feel annoyed and irritated watching someone crying ( for example they are crying because their family member have died). You said that it is pathetic and it is wasted fuel. (Correct me if I mislead something;).
Narcissists and psychopaths are unable to feel sorrow. It is not their choice, they are formed like that, they were born this way. We empaths feel sorrow and we can’t decide whether feel this emotion or not, we just feel it. We were formed this way.
So why empaths or highly sensitive people are often criticized about crying, being sad, feeling sorry for somebody? It is not our choice to feel all of these negative emotions. Why do people do not understand it? They only say “be stronger”
Sorry If you have not understood somethIng, but I am not a native English speaker. Sorry for any grammar mistakes. Wish you a good day HG. 😀
There are multiple reasons why empathic people are criticised for their sorrow. From my perspective it is done to use their weakness against them to control them and draw fuel from them, commensurate with the prime aims.
HG, in my view, there are empathic people (probably also highly narcissistic) that also “criticize” others ie have a disgust for Co-Dependent empaths. Of which, I understand you may not have a “disgust” for the Co-Ds as such, in the manner it was “enquired”. Because some empaths are ‘created’ as a result of their own LOCEs, they should not necessarily be ‘subject’ to criticism as such based on their ‘formation’. There is a difference between “generated” sorrow (pity playing for attention) and genuine sorrow. Thank you for answering katyyyy.
When my then-boyfriend’s father died, I didn’t know how to empathize, because my relationship with my dad had been so flawed. I stayed with him after he got the call, we cuddled and I listened to him, but I had nothing useful to say. I was more than a little relieved when he had to pack and fly out and I could go back to my place.
I didn’t think him weak. I was somewhat irritated because I was somewhat envious: at least he’d had a relationship with his father that was unambiguously worth mourning, lucky dog–he called his father “the best man in the world.” I knew not to show my envy, because I knew it was petty.
Years later when my own father died, the ambivalence made it even worse. This was it: the relationship could never be fixed, but it wasn’t completely negative either, so I couldn’t write it off. I couldn’t reach the point of being glad or not giving a shit.
I hope I did the right things with my then-boyfriend, but I felt very phony. I was upset that he was upset, but that was as far as I could take it, at the time.
katyyyy, thank you for asking for the clarification.
YooHoo! Helllooo!! Where are you HG? I hope you’re well and just taking a well-earned break.
The strawberry ice-cream in the photo for this post would have well and truly melted since you last posted.
Ice cream. What a fantastic analogy HG. Well done. It is like that old saying “Familiarity breeds contempt, and abcense makes the heart grow fonder” or “Variety is the spice of life”
I think even normal people who do not have NPD, especially in long term relationships can begin to feel this way too. There is always the possibility of too much of a good thing. There is a lot of marriage councelling out there after all!
Some people are addicted to romantic love, without friendship and deeper understanding all relationships fall apart in tht end. Relationships built on romantic love are quickly spent as that spark tends to dim in the end.
https://narcsite.com/2015/10/27/why-must-it-hurt/
Some really good comments by HG in this older posting of this article. Well worth a read 🙂