Why Must it Hurt?

By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.

In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.

This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream along and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.

I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.

I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.

In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.


21 thoughts on “Why Must it Hurt?”

  1. So how long does it normally take before you start showing your true nature? My ex narc. Is dating a woman who makes alot of coin and while she’s had a couple red flags already she chooses to not ask questions such as I did. And would explain why he got away fast. Oh but he came back shortly after even tho he’s with her. I don’t know how he does it. He has 0 things in common with her, hates her kids, and finds her boring and yes money is the key factor but how does he keep up the facade and for a year already?

    1. Hi Becky, thankyou for your post and apologies for the delay in replying. How long does it take before the beast within starts to make an appearance? There is no set time to be frank, although I would say it usually measured in months rather than years, although there have been some occasions where I have breached the one year barrier. It depends on the nature of the fuel that I am extracting. I usually tire of your positive fuel after a number of months, but if I am getting it from elsewhere in sufficient quantities I do not feel the pressing need to flick the switch with you. With your ex narc he is clearly receiving the positive supply from her and I suspect may be using the kids as means of generating negative fuel since he hates them, this enables him to sustain his façade with her and keep matters positive. Ask yourself this; is he getting any fuel from you as well?

  2. The sad thing is if you had the ability to actually get to know me, you would see that strawberry ice cream is just my surface. The deeper you go you would find many different flavors and surprises all wanting to be laid out for you feast upon. But, I know why you only sample the ice cream. If you truly accepted and devoured all of me, I would be inside of you and I would know you. You can’t have that. You don’t want me to see you are hollow or the rot that lays beneath the surface. So, instead you try to make me believe I am JUST strawberry ice cream and that hardly anyone likes strawberry ice cream.

    The reality is because you only enjoy the fleeting moments of savoring the surface all you actually get to taste is ice cream. It may look different but you never get to the center of anyone, which is where the true delicacies are.

    And what I have found in my time of begging and pleading with you to let me in, to dig deeper and see who I truly am and how much I love you…YOU are the one that is actually ice cream. A flavorless brand that takes on my strawberry attributes so that you can pretend to bear fruit but actually you are just ice cold and empty.

    Truthfully I want to believe that if I hold on long enough your icy exterior will melt and together we can discover what is truly deep down inside you. I would be so willing to patiently wait with you and explore whatever appeared no matter how unsavory. But, I have to accept that you are content to be frozen solid ice cream. It takes me so long just to get the smallest spoonful to enjoy. Now sadly I know I’m lactose intolerant and am looking for a warmer meal.

    1. WOW! You nailed it.

      The creature willingly looks at the façade of the mansion, it wants to enter our shiny entry hall, creep into out boudoir and forcefully tricks us into opening a back-door here and there, or eben the door to our Secret Garden (you know- those doors we never dared to open for anyone else before…), but just when we have allowed that to happen, it simply stops opening any doors at all. Instead, it backs off backwards, for no apparent reason whatsover.

      What about the many other rooms we wanted to show to the creature? We had just started to unlock the doors, dust off those treasures hidden inside of them and put beautiful flowers on the table… and now, the creature doesn’t even put one foot into our entry hall!?!
      We’ve done our very best to make it feel good and welcome and safe because we sensed it had been hurt in past, but it simply doesn’t see or notices us any more.

      What did we think anyway? Why should our mansion be of any lasting interest to the creature when they are millions and millions of other, different, better, new mansion façades and entry halls to
      break into.

      Such is the never-ending ‘narc game.’

      All those rooms and gardens of our mansions are still fascinating, unique and full of treasures. A micro-cosmos. The narc does not even have a real fore-yard of his own! He has no genuine taste, no flavour, not even a body odour of his own.

      So know your worth, ladies! 😊

    2. Hello Wow, many thanks for your reply and apologies in the delay at getting round to responding. I must admit I do like what you have written, I think it is insightful and well-observed and your comment about being lactose intolerant at the end did amuse me. Bravo you! Now, since you are looking for a warmer meal how about I take you out for a delicious slice of heated up humble pie? Don’t worry about me, I won’t be eating any!

    3. Now there’s truth in that . In the end what I thought was special has turned out to be very common and common is a dime a dozen.

  3. This article answers a lot of questions for me. I have always wondered why can’t I just be a good source of high quality supply? At one time I was willing to sacrifice myself to do that. I often thought why does the hate have to get just a little worse each time? Over a period of 6 yrs I finally woke up. He’s in jail now because of me and I fear what he’ll do when he gets out in a few months. Also, I don’t know if you have even been in jail but I wondered how does a narc survive in jail and how would he get his supply?
    Thank you for the work you do. It has help me tremendously.

    1. Hello Elizabeth, thanks for the post and I am pleased the article provides you with answers. I have not been in prison (at least I have never been sent there as a punishment although I have, for professional reasons been inside several). How might a narc get his supply in prison? Simple. He has a mobile phone smuggled in and uses this (combined with access to the landline there is inside a prison) to continue to push and pull victims in order to generate fuel. He will also identify those he can control within the prison (prisoners and staff) and cause them to marvel at his brilliance by talking about the crimes he has committed but not been convicted of, his tales of derring do and using his skill at charm and manipulation to wow a coterie of admirers. In certain instances he might even adopt a homosexual relationship (although he defines himself as straight) in order to use sex as a manipulative tool for a particular victim. Those charged with aiding and securing his rehabilitation (probation staff, therapists, social workers and the like) will provide him with sufficient play things whilst inside, as they will be trying to fix him and will pander to his needs. Glad the writing is helping you and do keep contributing.

  4. Baudelaire knew all about the HURT:

    Madrigal triste (Sad Madrigal)

    what care I, love, that thou be wise?
    be fair! be sad! for tears contain
    an added charm in lovely eyes,
    like vales a river glorifies;
    the rose is fresher in the rain.

    I love thee best when joy has fled
    thy cowering brow and eyes aghast;
    when all thy heart is drowned in dread;
    when life for thee is overspread
    by dreadful storm-clouds from the past.

    I love thee when thy heart’s distress
    pours blood-warm from thy streaming eye;
    when, notwithstanding my caress,
    thine anguish in its heaviness
    bursts from thee like a dying cry.

    celestial rapture ’tis to breathe
    — like some profound melodious hymn —
    the sobs that in thy bosom seethe,
    for me thy heart grows bright beneath
    the pearls upon those eyes abrim!


    I know what long infernal hours
    thy heart, with loves uprooted crammed,
    flames like a forge in leaping flowers;
    I know that in thy bosom glowers
    some of the pride of all the Damned;

    and yet, my dear, till fate contrives
    that all thy dreams resemble hell,
    and, in an endless nightmare’s gyves,
    musing of poisons and of knives,
    craving for steel and bursting shell,

    fearful when opening to a knock,
    full of a boundless vast distrust
    and quivering at the striking clock,
    thou liest crushed beneath the rock
    of irresistible Disgust,

    thou canst not, o my queen and slave
    who lovest me with shuddering,
    here in the Night’s unwholesome grave,
    cry from thy heart, that shrieking cave:
    “I am thine equal, o king!”

    ~ Charles Baudelaire, Les Fleurs Du Mal

    Translated into English by — Lewis Piaget Shanks, Flowers of Evil (New York: Ives Washburn, 1931)

    Original French version (so much more beautiful!):

    Madrigal triste

    Que m’importe que tu sois sage?
    Sois belle! Et sois triste! Les pleurs
    Ajoutent un charme au visage,
    Comme le fleuve au paysage;
    L’orage rajeunit les fleurs.

    Je t’aime surtout quand la joie
    S’enfuit de ton front terrassé;
    Quand ton coeur dans l’horreur se noie;
    Quand sur ton présent se déploie
    Le nuage affreux du passé.

    Je t’aime quand ton grand oeil verse
    Une eau chaude comme le sang;
    Quand, malgré ma main qui te berce,
    Ton angoisse, trop lourde, perce
    Comme un râle d’agonisant.

    J’aspire, volupté divine!
    Hymne profond, délicieux!
    Tous les sanglots de ta poitrine,
    Et crois que ton coeur s’illumine
    Des perles que versent tes yeux.


    Je sais que ton coeur, qui regorge
    De vieux amours déracinés,
    Flamboie encor comme une forge,
    Et que tu couves sous ta gorge
    Un peu de l’orgueil des damnés;

    Mais tant, ma chère, que tes rêves
    N’auront pas reflété l’Enfer,
    Et qu’en un cauchemar sans trêves,
    Songeant de poisons et de glaives,
    Éprise de poudre et de fer,

    N’ouvrant à chacun qu’avec crainte,
    Déchiffrant le malheur partout,
    Te convulsant quand l’heure tinte,
    Tu n’auras pas senti l’étreinte
    De l’irrésistible Dégoût,

    Tu ne pourras, esclave reine
    Qui ne m’aimes qu’avec effroi,
    Dans l’horreur de la nuit malsaine
    Me dire, l’âme de cris pleine:
    «Je suis ton égale, ô mon Roi!»

    ~ Charles BAUDELAIRE, Les fleurs du mal

    English translation:

  5. Brilliant article!
    Your insight continues to amaze me.

    I hope you will indulge my curiosity.
    I recall reading that you don’t like to tango with personality disordered females.
    May I ask why?
    Have you done so in the past?

    It seems to me that in choosing the caring, empathetic, trusting, eager-to- please type every time, you are in a way limiting yourself to strawberry ice cream.
    Whilst yes, there are undeniable advantages to dating a “copy of a copy”, such as being pretty much assured that the same tactics would work, where’s the challenge?
    Aren’t you setting yourself up for boredom?

    A disordered woman would give you a roller coaster ride you’d never forget and the opportunity to sharpen your claws like no other 😉

    We like to be in control, we see through many of the tactics, we know how to play the games and are not afraid to fight very dirty to get our way.
    And no, I am most definitely not volunteering. But I can honestly tell you that I had never had such fuel as when I managed to win with my narcissist ex. Over and over again. We are talking rocket fuel that had me on a high for days at a time.
    He was also responsible for giving me the worst grief of my life, but there in lies the fun.

    It’s all well and good to play with fluffy bunnies, but playing with another big cat is a whole other game…

    1. Interesting proposition. I regard the expenditure of the energy in dealing with such an individual too great irrespective of the potential quality of fuel that might be gathered. I am confident that my superiority would come to bear and I would naturally triumph but there are lots of ways of getting my fuel, from different responses and from different people that uses far less energy.
      Actually, I was up for it until you said you were not volunteering. Spoilsport.
      Reads like you had a blast with your ex but perhaps he just was not made of stern material eh?
      Thanks for the compliment about the article and for contributing. Would you like some strawberry ice cream?

    2. Apologies, I was busy talking about myself and missed answering your question. Common occurrence. I don’t engage with them for the reason set out in my first reply ( energy expenditure v perceived fuel gain). Have I tangoed with personality disordered ladies previously. I have. They were not of our kind however.

      1. Thank you for indulging me.

        It actually makes more sense to me now, the energy expenditure vs fuel gain. My ex, whilst certainly being convinced he is a man of your calibre, was only so in his own delusional mind.

        I could never understand why he would go out of his way to surround himself with sycophantic, utterly desperate women. The stink of desperation disgusts me and I have no tolerance for ass kissers, but he seemed to be unable to give it up, even as it was eroding every other aspect of his life.

        I guess that’s why he was also drawn to borderline disordered women. It is ridiculously easy to provoke a meltdown from, or to hoover, one of them. Endless, near effortless drama…
        Thank you for helping me to understand better.

        As for me, as wonderful and charming as you seem, I don’t think you’d like me very much. My preferred fuel comes from hurting and provoking narcissists. Hell, a certain “sociopath” author had a major meltdown, openly, where she declared me to be “the worst this world has to offer” 😀

      2. You are welcome. Yes those of the BDP variety have such a tissue thin “skin” that generating a meltdown in them is very easy and accordingly provides a delicious jet of fuel.
        I’m not interested in whether I like you or not, although I happen to (so far!) I am far more interested in learning more about your experiences and outlook. I know I won’t be getting any fuel from you since any coupling between us would result in a fight over the resource rather than the provision of the same. I am interested to learn who the author is. Care to throw some initials my way?

    3. Love that Kat. I take totally the same attitude now. Once you know how the narcs mind works it is so easy to cause them narc injury. I’ve been having so much fun doing this !! Of course I know I will likely pay for this, but, it’s worth it !!

      Great website HG I’ve read all your posts and have many questions. Tho my N loves the PDs as well as CDs and empaths. He has a few other differences but essentially does all the things you do. Your books have given me great insight – thank you. I too don’t mind providing a bit of supply if my needs are being met.

      1. Hi Alexis, thank you for posting and I am pleased you are finding the books and the blog insightful, that is the aim. Do feel free to ask away and tell us more about your narc,I am sure other readers will be interested to know more.

  6. I am very happy to share and answer any questions you might have. Hell, I might even do so honestly 🙂

    As for the author, I’d be happy to send you the details privately, but do not wish to give her more fuel by naming her here.

  7. El amor es aburrido.

    El amor es aburrido.
    Pasado un tiempo, no mucho, pierde su brillo, y el vacío regresa. Bueno… En realidad, siempre ha estado ahí.
    Nadie puede llenarlo.

    Y el helado de fresa es aburrido también.


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