Vulnerable
Do you remember those early, heady days when I first began to seduce you? Of course you do. Those moments have been branded into your memory and can never be erased, no matter how hard you try. So wonderful were those initial months of our courtship as we began our dance together that you cannot help but recall them and feel that bittersweet tinge. Many times as you have fought through your devaluation and discard you have harked back to those magical moments as you sought some kind of solace from them. Somehow, as you sat with tear-stained cheeks you would force a smile through the misery as you latched on to remembering the things that I said to you, those beautiful, loving and mesmerising words which gripped your heart and took it heavenward.
It was impossible to resist the love-bombing which I unleashed upon you and similarly it is impossible for you to banish those memories as you sit amongst the debris of our relationship wondering what on earth has happened. You can easily be forgiven for seeking refuge from the misery amongst those golden thoughts. It is the obvious thing to do to try and take away the searing pain which now burns you. Naturally, this is all something which I planned and is a natural consequence of becoming entangled with me. Do not feel any shame in the fact that you keep running to those thoughts and taking hold of them as you seek to ease your agony. Keep doing it. All the others did and all the others will.
As you walk through those wonderful thoughts and memories, replaying our time together like an incessant loop of our “best of” moments do you recall what else you did during this seduction? Can you remember something else that was happening as we created these scintillating memories? Yes, I know you can remember, how could you forget? It was one of the many things that I did for you which drew you closer to me and made you fall oh so deeply in love with the illusion.
What was it that I did? I made you feel safe. I created that sanctuary and opened the door and ushered you in. I showed you how this gleaming and beautiful paradise was impregnable to the wretched and woeful world beyond. I assured you that being in here with me meant that you need never worry about those things again. I would keep the wailing tormentors from your door and ensure that those things did not trouble you anymore. That was the sole condition for entry into this haven that I had constructed for you. Tell me about those things so I can shield you from them. You had never had someone make such a sacrifice for you before.
The way we understood how badly those things affected you. We really seemed to grasp the impact that those things had had upon you as we listened with patience and comprehension. You were hesitant at first, the mere act of recollection being one that caused you consternation. You had no issue in confiding in us, no that was not the issue. We had banished any concerns you may have had about trusting us with these secrets within moments, such was our assured charm. No, what troubled you was bringing those dark memories, those fragile foibles to the surface once again. Yet as the words came from your mouth and the tears trickled down your cheeks you felt the cathartic effect of off-loading all of those things to us.
From the minor concerns through to the deep-seated and life changing troubles you conveyed each and every one to us and it felt wonderful to do so. The burden came away from you and for the first time ever you felt freedom from those things as you passed the baton onto us and we readily took it from you. You exorcised those ghosts and stepped into our sanctuary elated and delighted to have been able to purge those things from yourself and embrace a new start with us. For too long those things had held you back. For too long you had walked a rocky road alone, stooped and bent double under the weight of your concerns.
There had been others but you did not feel able to share the load as you did with me. I was different. There was something about me which made you feel like you could tell me anything and everything and I would deal with it. I would flex those angelic wings and extend them to surround and protect you. Unburdened by those things you walked taller, felt stronger and you had me to thank for this process. Your gratitude and admiration flowed incessantly and I was only too happy to wash myself in this fountain of praise although in keeping with the personae I had created I accepted your compliments with humble acknowledgement. You entered my sanctuary and told me all your weaknesses.
This was achieved in such a way that you felt no shame in telling me them. That was another difference. You knew I would not judge you for them. You knew I would not regard you as silly or stupid for having certain concerns.
“It is how you regard them that matters, not how everyone else views them.”
You remember that sentence and how you seized it with great gladness, thankful that at last somebody understood and recognised how to deal with your concerns. Your confidence in me was absolute and I even made it seem as if I actually liked your weaknesses and that gave you great comfort.
All I was doing as you sat there on those many occasions where you shared your concerns, your vulnerabilities and weaknesses with me (for they did not all come out in one session, no, it took weeks of careful extraction on many different occasions to amass them all) was stockpiling my armoury. Your admission that you cannot swim and thus are terrified of deep water was moulded into a missile.
Your explanation that you were bullied at school because you had short hair arising from having to have it shorn because your brother poured glue over your head one time became a hand grenade. The fact you suffer a noticeable red flush across your chest and neck when you feel agitated created a bullet. Your confession that you suffer excessive wind formed another bullet. The abuse you suffered at the hands of a family member when you were eight became a thermonuclear device ready to detonate at a later date.
Each and every weakness, from your inability to resist eating a packet of biscuits in one sitting through to your fear of public speaking was noted, recorded and fashioned into a weapon. You thought you were safe in the sanctuary. That was just an illusion. You were actually sat in my armoury and I was there with you creating these weapons to use against you at a later date. Each weakness you admitted to me you thought you were handing to me for me to carry on your behalf. The reality was you were giving me the material from which I could create a weapon – be it a sharp stick with which to prod you or a nuclear missile to obliterate you. You thought it was some form of absolution but all you were doing was arming me.
I always want to know about your weaknesses. Your weaknesses become forged into my strengths in readiness for the war of devaluation that I shall wage against you. Keep talking, there is an arsenal to be created.
9 thoughts on “Vulnerable”
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PS: The ex narc kinda got annoyed when I compared his behaviour to my mother’s and asked him for advice because “he was just as narcissistic as she is”. He didn’t like that. ;P
Good you’re back, HG, I was getting worried there.
Copyright issues, hm … annoying.
Do you think HG that there is a chance that Elvis and Michael Jackson hadn’t been narcissistic? I watched the new Elvis movie, but more interesting to me is, that his daughter, Lisa, who had been in his house at the time of his death, had married Michael Jackson later, and there are so many parallels there. So, she found the only man that could top her father & and recreate the relationship … … … like, she said in an interview, she was happy to have found someone bigger than herself (Michael) so she could step back and be happy in losing herself in his shadow and care for him. Sounds familiar.
So … I am not the only one repeating patterns forever. And ever.
I was (am) on a big journey the past month and saw (each for only hours / one evening) for the first time in 5 years or so the ex narc (1 dinner in Rome), my mother (at home), my ex narc like lover …
I hadn’t talked to my mother for almost a year again, and still she managed to get to me, after pretending that nothing had ever happened at all, and it is more apparent than ever that you had been so right about her being a narc, it is … just shocking how she is, and the complete lack of empathy and accountability.
The longer the time between seeing her, the more apparent I guess, also, I have changed. She told me in my face that she (only) was entitled to all the money of her late father-in-law (my grandfather of course), and when I asked her what her plan had been for her children or family – blank look on her face, and then “my daughters can fend for themselves”. She was younger than I am now when we were all out of the house, but she never dreamed of earning money herself, and it makes me so mad. That is not what why grandfather had worked for all his life, nor my grandmother, and my mother did nothing to deserve all their money, and she offered me 0 (really none of any kind of all) support in buying a house now, while my grandparents had paid everything already while they were alive.
She said to me as the only excuse for her behaviour … “I don’t know why you are so different from us.” So, everything since my birth was my fault. But heaven forbid I’d ever be like her.
I only wish someone had told me decades earlier about narcissism, I am not able to heal the damage she and my father have done.
However — the ex narc: just boring, and like a stranger, I don’t know what I ever saw in him at all, I didn’t feel any attraction whatsoever or any interest in him. Shows how his facade worked, but now, the only attempt he made in being mysterious and interesting, bored me so much.
He has a completely different persona now. He made it apparent that he had married and impregnated his now EX wife 5 or 6 years ago on purpose, he now has kept the house and the new studio build they built after “therapy where they had re-discovered their love for each other again” (half a year before “he” decided to have a divorce) and owes her tens of thousands of Euros because the whole down payment had been hers. I don’t know why he even told me that.
Same goes for the narc like ex lover – yea, he is still perfect in bed, but that is all, and is also boring to me now. Knowing what you explained to us.
Point being: you had been so so right, about just everything, and it took me half a decade to fully understand everything and to get some distance. But I am so grateful to be able to see through it all, or I would have been devastated after each of these meetings.
And I still attract narcs only, and still don’t know an empath man I want to be with.
So, I only need to keep 0 contact with the other narc in my life. Didn’t meet him yet on my journey, but met another woman who has the same name as myself, back in Ireland, who had been one of his lovers, while he had also been seeing me ( I knew of her, but she didn’t). And she had nothing better to do but to fly to the other end of Europe now to meet him, so I am also losing interest there, that is too pathetic for me even. Do you think it is possible to be friends with him? I suppose not.
ava101, thank you for this post. The description of how you now perceive the people, who were once the essence of your life, is very close to what I feel. You’ve caused, a lot of my thought, thank you.
I love it when persons at this blog write about YOURSELF, about your life and your feelings. Even though you are strangers. There is nothing more valuable that a person can give to another person than … himself.
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In my life, there’s basically only one more person left who’s still playing on me, and I can’t handle it. It’s too far away and my mind and heart are playing tricks on me. I need this person here and now, in reality, so that I am disgusted him, so that there is nothing left… That’s why this game will continue until we finish some things.
I feel empty. I miss feelings. It makes me worried.
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Thank you and I wish you many beautiful moments in your life and, of course, pleasant journeys 🙂
I’ve been cheated by you since I don’t know when
So I made up my mind, it must come to an end
Look at me now, will I ever learn
I don’t know how, but I suddenly lose control
There’s a fire within my soul
(Just one look) and I can hear a bell ring
(One more look) and I forget everything, whoa
Mamma mia, here I go again
My, my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again
My, my, just how much I’ve missed you?
Yes, I’ve been brokenhearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mamma mia, now I really know
My, my, I could never let you go
I’ve been angry and sad about things that you do
I can’t count all the times that I’ve told you we’re through
And when you go, when you slam the door
I think you know that you won’t be away too long
You know that I’m not that strong
(Just one look) and I can hear a bell ring
(One more look) and I forget everything, whoa
Mamma mia, here I go again
My, my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again
My, my, just how much I’ve missed you?
Yes, I’ve been brokenhearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mamma mia, even if I say
Bye-bye, leave me now or never
Mamma mia, it’s a game we play
Bye-bye doesn’t mean forever
Mamma mia, here I go again
My, my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again
My, my, just how much I’ve missed you?
Yes, I’ve been brokenhearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mamma mia, now I really know
My, my, I could never let you go
The ensared empath.
Just for good measure, I love the video>
https://youtu.be/unfzfe8f9NI
Wow. I’ve heard that song so many times and never realized until reading your post what it’s really about and how closely it parallels my recent experience of breaking up with my ex. Thank you for posting this. I’ll be adding it to my ever-growing breakup playlist (titled “We are never, ever etc etc etc blah” :P), with a touch of irony, as a reminder of why I can never let myself fall into the trap of that kind of thinking with her ever again. Thank you so much for posting this.
I know your weaknesses:
Firstly of course another brilliant article. Secondly I swear I will never ever show or share anything about myself that could be misconstrued a sign of weakness to any other human being for as long as I shall live..
That article left its mark on me for some reason more than the others..
HG… Your creative flare is obvious to me; your writings are of scholarship degree in context and format.. Brilliant…
Always….flawless…and..always faultless..
Delivering a formidable message that I get..
An eye opener for anybody contemplating the seriousness of involvement with someone of your kind. One that it is not easy to escape from..
I have learned my lessons well.. Thank-you 🙂
Thank you.
I have an inner conviction that it is this warmth and security that I will feel when dying.
Indeed, I felt safe with him. Complete paranoia, considering his risky and dangerous lifestyle so different from mine.
When he came back 13 years later, I told him the same thing… that all these years, every time I dreamed about him, I felt warmth pouring over me, like I’d come home and be safe and that it was complete paranoia, considering what he did to his baby and me.
I loved those dreams and that feeling. Unfortunately, HG had to spoil everything, ha ha ha 🙂
Will I ever be able to dream like that again? I wish…
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I never gave him real bullets. I am a master of constantly talking about myself, but I leave the worst only for myself. I don’t feel the need to speak. Anyway, even if he did, he could only jostle me a little. The shot “in the child” was a hit… Yes, that made me fall.