The Final Discard. Except It´s Not
“He told me he never wanted to see me again so long as he was alive. That is it. This time it really is over.”
“She told me I was useless, pathetic, that she hated me and she would call the police if I came near her again. I don’t understand what is going on, but all I know that is the absolute end.”
“He made it clear that there is no future for us, that he cannot stand the sight of me and that he wants me packed and gone by morning. This is it. It really is it, this time.”
“She has taken everything and left me a letter explaining that she cannot do it any more, that she needs to find herself, whatever that means and there is no future for us together. I knew this was coming, I could tell, I have been given the final discard.”
The final discard. The curtain of conclusion. The guillotine of totality.
It really is over.
So often victims of our kind distinguish between being discarded and then there is (await dramatic music) the FINAL discard. There is being kicked to one side by us but the prospect of being hoovered back in and then there is the final discard whereby you have been removed from your association with us and it is the end of the entanglement and there will be no more engagement between you and I.
Victims often consider declaring that this time is the final discard and they do this for two reasons, which, interestingly are conflicting.
The first reason is that they desperately hope that it is not the final discard at all and that when they explain to whoever is listening to them recount the minute by minute dynamic of this final discard, that the person will tell them that it is not. The victim is hoping that the listener will provide some cogent reason, some piece of evidence which will explain that it cannot be the final discard and thus fulfil that which blazes at the heart of all empathic individuals; hope.
The victim does not want the entanglement to end. He or she cannot bear the pain. They do not want this to be their exile, their abandonment or their expulsion. They want to remain with us but fear that this time it really is the end and they are crying out for somebody to tell them that it is not, just so they can cling to a hope.
The second reason is because the victim does indeed hope that it is over so they are freed from our monstrous clutches. They want that to be the end. The victim, either at the time or sometime after this final discard, having gained some knowledge and understanding, ascertains that what they did caused significant wounding (although often they are wrong about that) and that this wounding was to such a degree that it sent us packing with our tail between our legs, skulking away, broken, humiliated and shame pouring from us, so that we will never, ever dare risk returning to you. The victim concludes that what they did has sent us packing and we will not darken their doorstep or inbox again. It is an understandable conclusion to reach.
There is no such thing as a final discard.
There is no such thing as a discard.
There is only ever dis-engagement.
This is because in our minds you belong to us and the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until you die or we die. That is only when finality applies to our connection. You are our property. You are our fuelling appliance. You are good and then you are bad. You are of use and then you are of no use. And then you are of use again.
We have invested time and energy in you. We want to reap the benefits time and time again.
If you are our primary source, we will dis-engage with you. We paint you black and do not want anything more to do with you at that time. It may appear as if we have ‘discarded’ you, but it is merely the termination of the Formal Relationship. You are not our girlfriend, partner, wife any longer. The Narcissistic Relationship persists. We do not draw fuel from you, we do not take your character traits, we do not take your residual benefits. You are deleted as we enter a golden period with a new primary source.
If you are an intimate secondary source, we will dis-engage with you. You are placed on the shelf, back in the cupboard, ready for the next time we want to engage with you. You are not deleted. You are just not required. For now. There is no discard. You usually are not devalued. If you are, then you have offended us and there will be a dis-engagement and a termination of the Formal Relationship of booty call, friend with benefits, shag partner.
If you are a non-intimate secondary source, we dis-engage with you. You are placed on the shelf again until the next time we wish to engage with you. Most NISSs do not notice this happen because they regard it as a natural lull in between meeting up, speaking and so forth. Again, it is rare for the NISS to be devalued, but if you are, then you have offended us and the Formal Relationship is terminated. You are no longer our friend.
If you are a tertiary source be it intimate or non-intimate, you will be put to one side as we dis-engage. There is no Formal Relationship to terminate. We may return to you or we may not. It depends on our fuel needs.
Thus, you need to understand that there is only ever a dis-engagement. The Narcissistic Relationship persists. If there is no devaluation, we consider the Formal Relationship to remain in place – thus you remain our booty call, our friend – but we have no need to call on you at the present time. If there is devaluation, then the Formal Relationship is over – you are no longer our wife, you are not our boyfriend, you are not the friend or friend with benefits and we dis-engage.
It is usually us who decide on this dis-engagement. Whether there is devaluation and dis-engagement or just dis-engagement, it is invariably us that makes this decision. If you reject us then it is an escape and of course we will endeavour to hold on to you.
What though of the situation where you have actually wounded us considerably, either as we dis-engaged or more likely, when you make your escape? Surely that brings about finality? That must mean we do not want to engage with you any longer because you have mortally wounded us and as a consequence if you did this as we dis-engaged with you, then we will never return yes? If you did it as part of the escape you implemented, then is it not correct to state that we will not hoover you?
No.
As mentioned many times, there is always a risk that we will come back and hoover you. There needs to be a Hoover Trigger activated by you entering a sphere of influence. Thereafter, the Hoover Execution Criteria has to be achieved. This includes various matters to balance, some increasing the risk of meeting the criteria, others diminishing that risk.
This includes
- the type of narcissist you are dealing with
- how your fuel was regarded
- whether you provided character traits
- whether you provided residual benefits
- whether you are with somebody new
- whether you have recovered from a position of being broken or not
- how easy it is to contact you
- how easy it is to make physical contact with you
- whether we know you have been lamenting our dis-engagement
- whether you have been angry about our dis-engagement
- whether there are outstanding issues – money, property etc
- whether there are obstacles
- whether there is a risk of wounding
Thus you can see the savage wounding you may have inflicted on the last occasion we interacted is but a consideration in the criteria. Yes, it may well be an important consideration when viewed against the other criteria but it will not itself amount to a final discard.
No matter how damning we were about you, how we may well have used words such as “never”, “do not”, “forever” or “always”, we are pragmatists. It is the practical need of fuel which governs all that we do. Contradiction and hypocrisy do not concern us. We can perform a 180 degree turn, a volte face or a complete turnaround and it matters not. Those were yesterday’s words.
We do not discard.
We will always come back IF the Hoover Trigger is activated and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met.
There is no final discard.
And that is my final word on the matter.
5 thoughts on “The Final Discard. Except It´s Not”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
I actually don’t know if I was truly devalued at tre time of disengagement, but was thinking initially yes – but not sure. He criticised me but said he did not think of it any further now aka he had ‘forgiven me’. Then he criticised me slightly for another thing and used that to establish what he had said before; that we would not become a couple but only casual and he said that if it was ‘too hard for me and did not want to continue he would understand’. Then he started to talk about other things and what he was going to do for the weekend. So all the criticism in sum also during meetings etc, just left me completely turned off or well – I simply could not deal with it so I replied ‘I did not feel like meeting again if he was not in love with me’. I have stayed no contact since a week, or ok just looked at his SoMe once but nothing else. Miss him for his good sides…. but cannot bear the burden of his bad sides ie the criticism:devaluations, gaslightning, him being in constant contact online but withholding affection or otherwise withholding affection, as I was being put on hold for us meeting while he entertained his other supply in real life, probably. Not sure what will happen now. He is not as physically attractive only interesting to talk with, but so I was a catch for him in that regard and because I was willing to see him despite that. His ivy league Education and his job is probably what some other girls would attach to.
Continued: *Narc explicitly manipulated so that he would made me Ask us to stop meeting. So now it is ’my fault’/’my decision’ but he guided ie manipulated me to it, and to which he replied he ’fully respect that it is stopping though it is a shame’. He knows it is not what I wanted and that I just wanted him. But that to me the criticism and devaluations just became unbearable to me, a total turnoff to me so I saw no other way out. He must know that he drove me to it.
If an intimate secondary source where devaluation occurred intermittently throughout the period of engagement, and where disengagement has now occurred – given devaluation intermittently, Will this mean that the Narc Will never engage again AND neither go for reinitiating the intimate relation again? Believe i wounded him considerably as i saw through him as someone with multiple sources ie women and confronted him. Believe he is perhaps below greater but close to greater. (ivy league education, top world leading company background, upper level management position). Extremely arrogant, and borderline malignant traits perhaps. Have cut him off from my SoMe though not blocked.
Hello Chloe.
I came across your post and wanted to reply. I hope that’s okay with you.
I am sorry you are going through a tricky time right now emotionally where your relationship with the N seems to have stopped (whether permanently or temporarily). I can see that you are trying to take steps to break from him but it’s difficult and you are missing his presence in your life. .
‘If an intimate secondary source where devaluation occurred intermittently throughout the period of engagement, and where disengagement has now occurred – given devaluation intermittently, Will this mean that the Narc Will never engage again AND neither go for reinitiating the intimate relation again?’
You have been the intimate secondary source, correct? And (as you suggest later) the N has had several intimate secondary sources along with (supposedly) a primary relationship. You say that you had a period of engagement with the N but were devalued intermittently throughout that engagement.
As a secondary intimate relationship you would likely have been a shelf appliance, because it’s largely impossible to be anything more than that if you are not the primary partner, and you were not the only secondary intimate source the N would have been juggling all of you based on what was convenient or best for him. You would have been engaged with when it suited his schedule and only then.
I believe shelf appliances are never fully disengaged from. They remain permanently available from the narcissist’s perspective. This means you would still be considered available by the N, however that does not mean that he will necessarily engage with you again. He might not. He sounds like he has characteristics that would enable him to lure in new, susceptible appliances relatively easily, and so he likely maintain a retinue of available appliances which he samples the way I might choose a particular type of pasta when making dinner.
“Believe i wounded him considerably as i saw through him as someone with multiple sources ie women and confronted him.’
Did you know all along that he had multiple intimate partners – including an IPPS as well as other secondary sources? I ask because I am wondering if you confronted him as soon as you found out or whether you knew for a while and then brought it up. Why did you choose to raise it? I am not suggesting that it was incorrect to do so – I don’t think it was. But I am curious why you chose confront him with the information.
Also, had he been trying to keep all his relationships secret? You were probably already aware there was a primary source, if you knew you were a secondary. It is possible he knew that you knew about others that he was intimately engaged with, and so you telling him that you knew may not have wounded him. But it might have made you seem a bit less submissive and this may have given him pause; I think narcissists like their secondary sources to be fairly manageable. It makes their life easier.
‘Believe he is perhaps below greater but close to greater. (ivy league education, top world leading company background, upper level management position). Extremely arrogant, and borderline malignant traits perhaps.’
I assume it’s not clear whether he is aware that he is a narcissist or not.
‘Have cut him off from my SoMe though not blocked.’
I am not a social media expert but if he is not blocked, then can’t he still access your social media accounts? Perhaps you have fixed it so he cannot message you through social media or email.
‘Narc explicitly manipulated so that he would made me Ask us to stop meeting.’
I can easily believe it. And yes, it’s very manipulative.
‘So now it is ’my fault’/’my decision’ but he guided ie manipulated me to it, and to which he replied he ’fully respect that it is stopping though it is a shame’.
That comment (about fully respecting it although it being a shame) is also manipulative. It pushes you to feel guilt over the break up as if you caused it and you chose it, he will seem caring and open-minded making it harder to to identify him as the wrong-doer, and you will now likely replay it in your mind over and over wondering if you should have handled it differently and whether what you did was okay or totally wrong. This is not the truth though – it’s just the idea that’s been placed in your mind through his words. It’s important that you understand that. His behaviour within that relationship was what caused that it to flounder and it’s what made it unbearable and unfulfilling
‘He knows it is not what I wanted and that I just wanted him.’
I agree. He would know you really wanted to stay with him. He would have initially identified you as someone who would likely become attached to him and he would have also been working to maintain your attachment through various manipulations while also working to maintain the attachments of his other fuel sources. And he is continuing to manipulate you during this break up phase, so that you stay permanently attached to him. It is his modus operandi. For all you know he is having a similar conversation right now with one of his other secondary sources who has confronted him and he’s telling her about how he respects her decision. His comment to you about respect and shame is that much more awful because he knows you don’t just feel it’s a shame that it’s stopping but you will be feeling gutted. It’s not only manipulative, it’s cruel.
‘But that to me the criticism and devaluations just became unbearable to me, a total turnoff to me so I saw no other way out.’
I can understand that. Criticism and devaluation are unbearable. A relationship should make you feel better about yourself, valued, accepted, understood. Not belittled, harassed, dismissed, insulted, hurt.
‘He must know that he drove me to it.’
If he is able to to look objectively at the situation he might know that – but narcissists cannot always do that. So it’s more likely he is either a) not thinking much about it at all or b) feeling like you were a bit of an annoying appliance who lost sight of what she was supposed to do to keep him happy. I certainly don’t think he’d be walking around feeling any guilt or regret or responsibility for what happened. I’d probably opt for a) not thinking about you at all – and this would be the case until you somehow entered his thoughts by cropping up in his mind due to a reminder and then he may try to re-engage to get a bit of fuel from you for totally his own aims – while spinning another false story and manipulation.
My advice to you from my position of distance (which I know is a luxury you don’t have at the moment) would be to firm up your no contact system. Totally close off any and all options he has to make contact with you. This would mean blocking him, re-making your social media accounts, and a range of other strategies that are advised here on the blog in the articles and books about going no contact. This will help you lower your emotional thinking about him. You miss him now and you also know he could probably make contact you if he tried which may be giving you something to mentally prepare for making it seem like you must keep thinking about him in case it happens. This all makes it much harder for you to see the relationship or him objectively, and more likely to make decisions based on your attachment instead of what is best for you overall.
I wish you strength and courage to handle this post-engagement period with determination and love and care for yourself. If I have misconstrued anything in your post I apologise – and I am also sorry to be fairly direct in my response. It’s just that from how I see it, you have been in a very unfair situation and you, like all the readers here, deserve much more than that. Be strong and know that others here are thinking of you.
I am considered a universal donor.
What could you possibly want from me… I can only give you a transfusion and not kill you.
5’8 inch left handed female.
Apparently I’m considered beautiful for those who look upon me considering everything.
I didn’t busy myself procreating a rendition of himself through me.
You all seem so genetically inferior somehow.
Once, when I was observing you, I didn’t like the way you spoke to your mother.. or to the waitress or to the concierge.
Therefore I chose not to breed with any of you!
Too many angry people anyhow..
I figured I didn’t need to add to it via you.😐
Possibly next time…
Perhaps next time… 🏄🏼♀️✨
I’ll see you on the other side.