Something Doesn’t Feel Right
“I am left feeling I am not good enough”
“I am always waiting for him to call.”
“She never seems to listen to me.”
“I feel like I always have to respond straight away.”
“I do not feel settled.”
“I always feel like I am being scrutinised.”
“I feel like I am out of my depth.”
“I am always wondering whether he is serious or joking with me, I struggle to tell.”
“I cannot seem to think about anything other than him.”
“She makes me feel left out.”
“It seems like I am always running around after him.”
“I always feels like I have to please them.”
“I feel like I am on trial.”
“I find myself always having to explain myself.”
“It feels more like an obligation than a friendship.”
“I am often left wondering what is happening.”
“I am left feeling unsure of myself.”
“I feel like I am always on call for her.”
“I keep feeling jealous and that makes me feel bad.”
“I am anxious for him to leave her and be with me.”
“If I express an opinion I feel like I am being unfair in doing so.”
“It is great when we are together, but then am left feeling uncertain when we are apart.”
“I am sure he doesn’t mean to make me feel nervous, but I am.”
“I don’t think I am good enough.”
“I don’t want to let her down.”
“Nothing seems to bother him and I am such a worrier. I will put him off.”
“I don’t understand why he still keeps in touch with her, but I don’t feel I can say anything.”
“I am nervous I will mess this up and he is so wonderful.”
“It´s nothing specific, but there´s something that makes me uneasy. It is probably just me.”
Doubtless many of you will find some of the above comments will resonate with you.
You have been created with emotional empathy. This has formed the bedrock for your worldview and your perspective. This accords with a majority perspective and forms the basis for those subjective qualities of what is deemed as “good” and “bad”. Since you operate within the majority perspective it is your perspective of “good” and “bad” which prevails.
When you encounter something which contrasts with this majority perspective, you often do not see it as a clear, shining example. Instead, you have a “feeling” or a “gut instinct”. This is the manifestation of behaviour which clashes with your empathic world view. This is your alarm bell.
There are those of you whose alarm bell does not often ring at all, although you are limited in number. For most of those who are empathic, the alarm bell rings through some kind of feeling encapsulated by many of the phrases detailed above and more besides.
So far, so effective. You have an established worldview formed by your emotional empathy. When you encounter behaviour which contrasts with this empathic worldview, your alarm bell goes off. Where it is one of our kind (and it almost always is one of our kind) which has caused this alarm bell to sound, this is when the problem starts.
Your alarm bell sounds but you attribute it to the wrong cause.
You either think that the cause is an external reason for this alarm bell, such as
- The individual is tired or exhausted
- The individual is drunk
- The individual is suffering from stress
- The individual is suffering from grief or bereavement
- The individual is under some kind of pressure
- The individual suffers from anger management issues
- The individual is highly strung
There are others besides.
The alternative is that you think the cause is an internal reason, namely your behaviour, such as
- You are too sensitive
- You have been hurt before
- You are too direct
- You think badly of people too quickly
- You are too trusting
- You were not listening
- You judged too soon
- You are tired, upset, stressed
- You were insensitive to the needs of others
- You were worried
There are others besides.
Accordingly, when your alarm bell rings, you end up attributing the sensation of something feeling wrong to either an external cause to that you are the problem.
This is incorrect.
It is akin to your burglar alarm going off and you think it was a passing cat or that you tripped the sensor yourself. It was the burglar.
Something which offends your worldview, offends the logic of your world. Your logic seeks to warn you by creating a feeling or a sensation (the alarm bell) so that you take action.
Unfortunately, two factors interfere in this warning system.
The first is a lack of understanding about the nature of the individual that is generating the behaviour which causes the alarm. The red flags that signal that it is a narcissist which is engaging in behaviours which are offending your worldview.
The second is the obscuring nature of your emotional thinking which does not want you to pay attention to the alarm´s actual source and instead diverts you to thinking it is the external source (incorrect) or your fault (also incorrect).
Your emotional thinking does not want you abiding by the logic of your world. It does not want you acting on the alarm by identifying the real cause (the narcissist) and then taking the logical step to avoid further harm (further feelings that something is wrong) by removing yourself from the real cause (the narcissist).
Your emotional thinking does not want to do what is best for you. It does not want you to know the actual source of the alarm nor act on that alarm. It wants you looking in the wrong place,e taking the incorrect course of action so that you remain interacting with the narcissist.
Your emotional thinking does not care about your physical health, your emotional contentment, your mental well-being or the state of your bank balance. It is not interested in you engaging with a healthy, normal and well-adjusted individual. That does not matter to your emotional thinking.
For a very unfortunate few of you, there is no inherent alarm system and you need to build one. It is hard work but achievable.
For the vast majority of you, you have the alarm system but it is infected and caused to malfunction by making you look in the wrong place for the problem and not act on the actual problem. Fortunately for you, this faulty alarm system can be corrected although it requires repeated and ongoing maintenance, which is naturally most worthwhile.
There is a valid reason why you feel something is not right. It is your early warning system, but it is not perfect and it is fundamental that you realise this and understand that it is here that you are able to perfect its operation.
21 thoughts on “Something Doesn’t Feel Right”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Yes, I had a guttural feeling there was something amiss.
Savoy Truffle,
Me too. Everything HG has written here resonates with me. I have now learned to trust my instinct, as (hopefully without sounding too bolshy or up my own arse!) I think it’s not bad!
With LMRSOMATIC things didn’t make sense, his behaviors and his comments were off. For example, he was supposed to be a vegan, no animal products at all and you would think a vegan would have empathy for an animal. Nope. I showed him a picture of a pet pig and he found it odd. He said, “why would anyone have a pet pig? Aren’t they only good for bacon? ” I looked at him in confusion and asked him, “Where is your empathy for the pig?? You’re a vegan! Why would you see them only as bacon??” I stared at him, waiting for his explanation. He just smiled, shrugged his shoulders and laughed, then he walked away, leaving me with a confused feeling. I’m sure my face was frowning and my mouth was gaped. I remember thinking, WTF? He doesn’t make any sense. He cares about animals, my ass! He doesn’t care about animals. He’s not as nice, as he first appeared. What is going on here?
There were more things I started noticing and more feelings of something not feeling right, not adding up, not making sense….my confusion made me dig and look closer and be more observant with him, what he said, how he said it, his facial expressions…I was on it….something smelled bad about him and I was going to find out what his deal was….what’s wrong with him, why is he like this and I wasn’t going to let go , until I found the answers. Well, here I am, all getting the answers and I’m glad and grateful to find them here, HG. Thank you xx
N2 also says things, that don’t make sense. No logic or sensible connections.
The more I have contact with him, the more I see, that he does not grow up to my feet. He also gets boring to me sometimes.
But the pull is still high, because he runs away before I close the door on him. He doesn’t let me “saturate” him.
I also find it difficult to eradicate a long-standing love, that has become a part of me. At that time, I needed this idealization. I had to hold on to something. Now the original (he with flesh and blood) stands out from idealization like an ox from a carriage.
And yet, when he only says a word after his absence… I’m flying towards him at the speed of light.
“But just say the word and my soul will be healed.”
—————–
Sometimes I feel like I’m like a ping-pong ball bouncing between Narcissus.
Or maybe it’s me, opening and closing, coming and running. I warm up and cool down.
I do not know.
Joa,
I got narcs at work, in my family and I’m married to one. I’m up to my eyeballs. I have little as possible interaction with narcs at work, with narc family I mainly avoid them for the most part, but my husband, he’s a difficult one. I just deal for the time being, adrift and not emotionally tied to him. It’s not easy to detach and hold myself away. Part of me wants to hold on again, hold what is familiar and most like home.
Rebecca, oh boy can I relate! I’m up to my eyeballs in narcissists too. That feeling of home is a false mistress. Its your ET conning you. I know its difficult but its actually doing the opposite and keeping you tethered to him emotionally.
I’ve been with my narc husband for almost 38 years. When I learned my husband is a narcissist, my life finally made sense. He felt like home to me too He felt safe. But the more I learned, the more I realized that was my ET and I had to get out. It hasn’t been easy because my whole entire life is intertwined with him. But I’ve been squirreling away money so that I can finally attain freedom.
I think of you often and always hope that you don’t end up like me. I hope you attain freedom too.
Hi Leigh,
It’s so nice to talk to people, who understand where I’m at and what I’ve already walked through and you, especially are where I’m at right now. It’s so hard dealing with my own internal conflicts and I’m currently not able to leave, I feel like a weakling, a failure and a disgrace. I’m so ashamed I haven’t been able to leave yet. I’m also financially wrapped up with MLSOMATIC and he watches me, looking for clues of me taking off. I tried leaving before and it was a complete failure. I might as well, just have cut my wings off….here I go trying to fly without my wings, it’s how I feel. I can’t financially set out alone and I’m going to make other arrangements with another friend, because the one I’m waiting on is taking too long. So, back to the drawing board with another plan. I don’t want to be stuck here either. Thanks for your kind words and support. I’ve been with MLSOMATIC since 2000, we got married in 2004, so he’s got a grip on me.
Rebecca, I know what you mean about feeling weak. I felt the same way not too long ago. A very dear friend made me realize that I’m not weak. I’m preparing and being smart. As are you! She also made me realize that seeing myself as weak is a way to keep me attached. We’re not weak. We’re strong and that’s why they need us.
This is going to be the year for both of us!
Hi Leigh,
My MLSOMATIC said to me, the other week, that he wouldn’t know what to do without me and just last week, he said, he would leave and I can keep the house. He was fuming and starting a verbal fight with me and it ended with him wanting to leave and talking about leaving me the house….I panicked and one of my triggers was pushed. I folded and calmed him down. Here was a perfect opportunity and I panicked. I’m so annoyed with myself. I’m pretty sure it was just manipulating me and wasn’t really going to leave me the house….and he knows my abandonment issues, so yeah, he played the bullshit card. I knew what he was doing, I know his games and my plan isn’t ready yet. It sucks, but I can’t go off shooting without aiming first, eventhough I want to shoot until the gun is empty, it’s not time. Calm down and think, and stop calling yourself names. Calm, Think…I looked him in the eyes and I don’t think he liked what he saw. He said, he’s tired of worrying about me leaving him. He said, he thinks I’m going to leave him. I expected him to start crying, like last time, but he didn’t. Whatever he was seeing in my eyes, made him stop short of crying. I think he knows I see through it now. It made me feel victorious,eventhough I haven’t left yet. I felt an inner calm, a little fear, but a big determination. He said, I know you, if you want to leave, nothing will stop you. I don’t want you to go, but I can’t make you stay. I love you, please stay.
This is why I have inner conflict. I feel bad. I do care about him. He’s caused me so much pain. Why do I love people, who hurt and abuse me? I know why, but I keep doing it. Grrrrrr! It really pisses me off! Stop it! Stop it!
I’m sorry, Leigh, I’m just so annoyed with myself sometimes. I’m going to do this! I’m going to do this! I get mad enough and it’ll be easier for me to accomplish. I’ll be able to leave and not look back. My anger is the key, when everything is set and ready….get mad and lower my empathy, so I can leave and not let my tender feelings stop me! My anger is my key. 😁❤
Hi Rebecca, you don’t have to ever worry about apologizing to me for venting. I completely understand what you’re going through.
I’m going to try and offer some advice but keep in mind that I’m still ensnared too.
When he started the verbal fight, he wasn’t going to leave. He also won’t give you the house. It was a manipulation to get fuel. You calming him down gave him fuel. I understand why you did it though. I have often done the same.
I don’t know if getting angry will drive you to leave. I feel like anger is still an emotional response, which is what they want. I feel like it’s your ET conning you to still interact.
Do you have the Zero Impact package? I think it could help. I think you need to get to a point of zero impact so your ET is down. With your ET down, things will start to clear up. You have to figure out how to stop caring for him and feeling bad for him. I think that’s your cognitive dissonance screwing with your head and contributing to your ET.
About 2.5 years ago I learned about my husband’s narcissism. It probably took me over a year to make any moves because I still cared about him too. I also went through a time when I was angry with him. I felt like he hijacked my life. Now, I don’t feel anything for him anymore.
I know what you mean about not shooting without aiming first. You have to be prepared or otherwise it can go sideways. I really get it. We do have to be prepared but some of that fear is our ET conning us to stay longer.
You just have to keep your eye on the prize, Freedom. I just keep squirreling away money and hopefully by mid year, I’ll be out. Is there any chance you can start saving money in an account he doesn’t know about? It might take awhile but you may feel better because your doing something.
Don’t beat yourself up too much. Slow and steady will win the race. You’re doing the best that you can with the resources you have.
Hello Rebecca,
The house is full of overpresence. I recommend that you find yourself a new home.
Are you part-owner? If yes, you’ll probably get some money out of the house.
Please, don’t worry about the aftermath. The pieces will fall into place naturally.
You can do it!
Hi Leigh,
Good to see that you have a plan. You seem determined! I’m hoping that 2023 will be the year you leave the narcissist!
(I’m Jasmin – I’ve changed name so that it complies with YT).
Hi Jasmin, how are you? If I had known it was you, I wouldn’t have just thanked you when you made the comment that you hoped I’d find out how my daughter became a narcissist.
I think with my daughter there were a lot of variables. She loved being in school. She was on the dance team and dated the quarterback of the football team. At this point I’ve realized that there were probably a lot of different things that contributed to it. Some were my fault and some were my husband’s fault and some were out of my control.
Yes, I’m determined. I really want my freedom at this point.
I hope you’re doing well.
Hi Leigh,
We have separate bank accounts, so our money isn’t together and he doesn’t have access to mine and he doesn’t know my numbers or passwords. I did it that way, when he used to drink a lot, to keep him from going through my money. I have bills I pay and he has bills he pays. I made it 50/50 for the responsibilities of the household. Sometimes he still complains that he pays all the bills and we get into an argument, and then he backs down. I used to think him backing down meant he must not be a narcissist, but HG told me, he’s just withdrawaling because you threaten his control and he’s manipulating you to get fuel from you.
I would like to get out, but with cost going up, it seems like every day, and rent being ridiculous, who can afford to move out? I’m stuck waiting on people to get a move on with things, so I can move forward here. It’s just really frustrating to me, I’m getting anxious waiting. I’m not even going to talk about my inner conflict with the whole situation. I hate all these feelings sometimes, they can be a real burden and they keep me ensnared, like you said….round and round I go, feel like a carousel horse and looking stupid. Oh, look at my pretty saddle and reins….yeah, the reins, arent they great? Sorry, I’m just cutting on myself again. I need to stop that.
Thanks for encouraging me, I’m doing my best, I don’t give up. I’ll keep hoping and working towards my goals. Thanks for your support. ❤ xoxo
Hi Rebecca, I know what you mean about the price of rent being astronomical now. I live in the suburbs of NYC and the rent here is insane. The rent for a one bedroom apartment is higher than my mortgage. Its not cost effective to leave and for me that contributes to my inner conflict. I’m going to go through so much money to leave him. Is it worth it? But then I think, I can’t put a price of my freedom and peace. Then I think, is it really that bad? My husband’s manipulations are more benign so I think maybe I can live with it. He’s a victim narcissist and he’s just very draining. The problem is now that I know what he is, my brain won’t let me dismiss his behaviors anymore.
I beat myself up too and I get disheartened. Narcissism really does suck!
All we can do is keep working towards our goals. We got this!
Hi Leigh,
The rent here is more than my mortgage too, it’s gotten out of hand here too. They’re actually talking about itright now on CBS NEWS, the price of rent and the crazy rental agreements people are signing off on. One of my friends just had to go to court against her landlord and she’s also expecting her first baby…talk about added stress upon stress…Rent is crazy on your own. My plan is to split rent with a friend, it’s more bearable that way. You might want to try a roommate, make sure the roomie is someone you know…I’m speaking from personal experience about strangers being roommates, unless you’re in college dorm, it’s not a good idea.
Hi Rebecca, this is terrible but I would only consider one roommate and that’s my empath daughter. I even struggle with considering her as a roommate because there’s a piece of me that wants to be completely on my own. I’m not good with relinquishing control and having a roommate would mean I’d have to relinquish some control. Also most of my friends are married. I have one single friend but she’s a narcissist so that’s not an option. When I move, I’ll get away from her too.
If I stop having to pay for my victim narcissist husband, I can do it on my own The hurdle is that I also want to quit my job. He knows where I work so when I leave him, he’ll just show up there. When I escape, I don’t want him to be able to find me at all. I’d like to save enough money for 6 months of rent and to pay for an attorney. Our children are grown so we won’t have to worry about custody so I’m hoping the attorney won’t be too expensive. I don’t want the house, he can have it. I just want my retirement accounts. I feel like that’s an even exchange. Another snafu is that he’s made very little money in his lifetime and so technically he’s entitled to maintenance. I may even have to pay for his healthcare benefits. I want to make sure that I have enough money saved in case any or all of these things happen. I’m about half way there.
Hi Leigh,
My miss!
It’s winter and I’ve always been affected by the many dark hours and the grey landscape but apart from that everything is fine.
How are you?
I really notis the difference in your attitude/sentiments towards your husband and in your own inner strength. It delights me! (worth mention that I haven’t read any of your posts in quite long time).
I hope you daughter didn’t date within her formative years. 😊 However I suspect that you’re right. More likely many small instances of LOCE accumulated. HG often says LOCE isn’t necessary physical/sexual violence.
//Jasmin
Hi Jasmin, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect. Its time to take my life back.
My daughter started dating her first boyfriend when she was 16 so that was after the narcissism was formed already. She’s 22 now and she’s on boyfriend number 2.
I know I can’t change it, so I’ve accepted it.
Leigh,
I served MLSOMATIC divorce papers back in 2021 and I talked to the Judge over a Zoom meeting. She said, the divorce is just half what we have to go through, next comes the dividing of the assets like the house, stuff in the house, our retirement funds, the cars etc. She said, for MLSOMATIC, to keep the house, he first has to give me back the 9k I put in as a down payment, right off the top, and then he has to pay me half the cost of the house and that’s just getting started. He was listening to what she said, and going by his face, he was turning whiter, he wasn’t happy or thrilled. So, going by what she said and the look on his face, I need to be away, away, when I start the whole court thing again. I’ll have to transfer at work and only tell a very few, trusted people to know where I am hiding, until all this is done. I won’t need a lawyer for the divorce, but I want one for the property division, or whatever it’s called. That makes me nervous because I have personal items that are sentimental to me and I wouldn’t want him to take them, like pictures and letters and jewelry from passed loved ones. Stuff that’s irreplaceable. I’m not looking forward to that.
I know Rebecca. I think about all my personal items as well. I don’t even know where things are. He moves things on purpose. This way you have to go to him for something. The last time he decided to move my toiletries and I lost my shit on him. I told him if he moves my things again, I’ll divorce him. So now he won’t move things I use on a regular basis but he’ll move photo albums and other sentimental items. I only have two photo albums from when I was a child. My mom is a narc and never took pictures. Most of my kids pictures are saved digitally. I need my ID. My plan is to grab some garbage bags and throw as much in them as I can and run. I’m not looking forward to it either.