A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 5
I don’t want to believe you are a narcissist. Your behaviour had me looking up manipulation and empathy and brought me to descriptions of narcissism that sound so much like the things you say and the way you compose yourself. Still I don’t want to believe it. I like to think you have enjoyed me as a person rather than just as a means to an end. Asking if you are a narcissist wouldn’t bring any good result if it’s so, and would only upset you if you aren’t. The last thing I want to do is upset you in any way.
I feel both relief and stress in the thought that you might be a narcissist. It would explain a lot of things that confused me and I feel less like these things might be my fault. I tried my best, but I’m not able to be what you wanted from me and I need to protect myself. I’ve sensed for a while that being with you is dangerous, and you showed me ways that I could not trust you when I really needed to. Safety and trust are so important. It feels like the fears and worries became too much and a light switch in my mind turned off. I still admire you, you still have my respect. I no longer want to be intimate with you. Please don’t take this as a criticism, I mean no insult. I genuinely care about you. I’m in your corner and will be the truest friend to you if you’ll allow me. I wish positive fuel would be enough for you. We share interests and enjoy similar tastes in art, music, humour, and more. I like to think our interactions were enjoyable for us both when we were friends. Please, let friendship be enough and grant me immunity if you have a need for negative fuel. Please don’t be the way that I fear you are… let me remain your friend.
I will not ask you if you are a narcissist, because I don’t need to know. I already know that there is a chance that you are, but it isn’t a certain thing. I can educate myself on the subject – learning what to expect and how my reactions might be interpreted by you if you are – but I don’t need a confirmation of it being true. I just hope we can return to the friendship that we once enjoyed. You are the one in control of whether or not to allow our friendship, please don’t make me feel like I need to withdraw more to protect myself.