Knowing the Narcissist : Quick Calm

6 thoughts on “Knowing the Narcissist : Quick Calm

  1. EveBea says:

    I am unsure of what to suggest for this. So I will think through writing.

    When I felt overwhelmed from an image based memory, or body memory, or just a story my brain created about him , I would just use self regulating skills, and compassionate coaching. So if I was triggered up into high anxiety and near panic, I would use the TIP skill from DBT, grounding techniques, self soothing, controlled breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation. I also made a sensory ladder which is an awesome visual aid and helps when I would check in with how I felt, as I had identified strategies to help match that level and help me self regulate.
    However I get the sense, or have interpreted that this site is not orientated to self help of this kind – practical/ physiological self regulation.

    So a logic/ red pill style, quick calm message that I may have found helpful, would’ve been reminders of key points of the fundamentals of the narcissism mechanism and the pointlessness of trying to engage with it.
    – it’s not actually about you it’s about their own shit
    – it’s a projection
    – it’s an illusion
    – wake up / take the veil off from over your eyes
    – the narcissist can not love the actual You
    – the narcissist can not see the actual You
    – the narcissist can not hear the actual You
    – the narcissist can not connect with the actual You
    -remember the not so good
    – They are the same as they ever where, doing the same shit, you do not need to check on them- it’s nothing new or different because they are stuck in the same cycle, again and again.
    – don’t cast pearls before swine.
    – They are stuck, but you can choose something different, you can choose freedoms that they can not .

    I suggest this tact as my
    Re-occurring themes of thought patterns which heightened emotional thinking, and made me more vulnerable to break no contact, were affection based. Not nostalgia as such, but still an affectionate/ care for them ( even after all the pain/ so strange). Then the brain would think of ways in which I could make contact or link in with him on social media ( I have deleted FB and instagram now anyway).
    Luckily I never did act on those urges. I used the techniques I described at the start of the comment to self regulate and coach myself down. I could then pull through more information about why acting on the urge to contact him was not a good idea. I have remained silent and unseen to him, for a few years now. Feels so much better to be away from his toxicity, I can breathe again.

    It’s like managing any addiction I guess, getting a good level of understanding and insight into it, committing to changing the relationship / view you have of the addiction, surfing the urge to act on the addiction with skills, and attending to your own stuff which makes you more vulnerable to the specific addiction.

    I think finding this site, reading about narcissists from a narcissists view point, the dynamics, thinking about the narcissists that have entered into my life, it’s like a level of behavioural therapy / exposure. I can check in with how I am responding, what is coming up emotionally, and what I am acting on. Or maybe that is just the reason that my “addiction” is giving me.

  2. Joa says:

    I was unable to paste this text on YouTube the day before yesterday, despite several attempts. Text was there for a several seconds, but he disappeared every time. So I’m throwing in here.

    I had a bad dream, but seemingly everything is fine. Yes, sometimes I’m scared.
    Cold alien. Cold alien. They are both the same.

    And now the text that was supposed to be on YouTube:


    Oh, how I miss it! I know this state of calm very well. Narcissists are great at this! Each of them gave me it in a huge amount at the beginning of the relationship, and then in pulsating – at selected moments. Sometimes I feel like I’m “jumping” between them, just for that.

    The feeling of immediate relief – yes, I know it all too well. You are specialists in this.

    My biggest concerns right now are:

    1. I know, that sooner or later N2 will be at my door. Just ring the doorbell. I think, it’s a distant perspective, at least a few years, but … it worries me, that I can’t predict MY OWN REACTION. I’m afraid I won’t be able to control myself.I MUST, MUST practice it and learn it! In fact… the more contact I have with him, the easier it is for me (no impression: WOW); the less we talk, the harder it is for me to control myself (grand entrance: BOOM).

    2. I am frustrated by the “blindness” of normal and empathic men – lieutenants, coterie. I manage to reach every woman using the “woodpecker” method (you peck, you peck until you finally pecked). Men are so fascinated and under such great influence of Narcissists, that serving them, constitute an insurmountable barrier (unless you know their wife 🙂 ). I don’t want to fight – I just want UNDERSTANDING. Then it is easier to maintain correct relations, e.g. at work.

    There is nothing sadder, than an empathetic “man”, who copies the naughty behavior of his “master” and then silence falls or he rolls his eyes or turns red (he knows he has crossed the line of… good taste).

    It’s much harder for men to admit that they’re being used, that they’re just pawns…

    Pity. For us women, who are aware of their role on the chessboard, it is much easier to make a bluff: for example, stick a pawn to the chessboard, taking advantage of inattention to change the place of the pawn or even lay all the pawns horizontally 🙂

    Maybe you can get something out of this hodgepodge HG 🙂

  3. Rebecca says:

    Thanks HG for working on this helpful series xx

  4. Rebecca says:

    I can’t shake my anger, I worry it’s not going away and this need for revenge comes and goes.

    1. Rebecca says:

      I thought of another one, worrying, so obvious for me, duh! I worry too much and too often and I overthink too much , too. My racing mind, I’d like to calm my mind of worry, overthinking and just running round and round…it’s so annoying and it gives me headaches.
      I worry about things that don’t even happen, or happen and it turns out to be positive, but yet I worried about it.
      Thanks again, HG! Xx

  5. A Victor says:

    Hi HG, how to calm down when I’ve overreacted to a situation, due to conditioning (which is part of the stress), and instead of allowing it to escalate in my mind, to reverse that before it gets out of control, tape control of my thoughts and calm down again. Thank you for the consideration of my idea.

    Thank you also for this idea! These will be a great thing to have available!

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