Knowing the Narcissist : The Racing Mind
Of the many consequences of becoming entangled with our kind, there is one which is always present. This is the racing mind. The racing mind begins in the hinterland between the seduction and the devaluation as we start to create doubt in your mind, create ambiguity and generate concern on your part. There are hundreds of ways of creating this uncertainty and it only increases when the devaluation proper begins. Our various manipulations are designed to not only draw fuel from you but also to create this pervasive sensation of doubt. You find that you are always asking yourself questions.
“Why did he say that?”
“What did that mean?”
“Why has he done that?”
“What did he do that for?”
“Why is he being like this?”
“Has he really said that about me to somebody else?”
“Would he see somebody else?”
Your day is made up of a succession of attempts to understand why we are saying and doing certain things. Everything becomes analysed as you desperately look for evidence to explain away the thing that you fear most; the loss of the golden period. The impact of our seduction is massive. Owing to our mirroring of you, we are your other half, the you that you have always wanted in your relationship. A perfect love. As a consequence, you do not want to lose us and anything which hints at that happening causes you considerable concern.
As with much of what we do, we apply stealth tactics. We adopt an insidious approach which utilises the typical salami-slicing methodology so that we steadily encroach into your well-being but we do so with such subtlety you fail to notice it. At first you will wonder why we arrived back an hour later than we said we would, but you rationalise it away as we mutter something about traffic. Once we would come and see you and arrive early at the weekend. Now we do not turn up until mid-afternoon. What have we been doing in that time? Why do we no longer want to spend the whole day with you? Is there somebody else? You hope that there is nothing to be concerned about but you cannot help but be concerned as you scrutinise everything that we say and do. After a while you are keeping a tally of how many “xs” we place after our text messages. We usually put three but it has gone down to two. What is the reason for that? Did we simply forget? Did we jab the “x” button but the third one did not appear? Does it mean something? You watch us carefully when we speak to you. Do we seem less happy now? Are we laughing less at that daft but endearing nickname that you labelled us with? Perhaps that is just because we have become used to it but what if it is not and it is down to something else? We made frequent mention of getting married but that has not been mentioned now for, ooh, 17 days, not that you are keeping an exact record of this type of thing are you?
We know that this repeated and frequent questioning has you unable to focus on anything other than you and I. You struggle to concentrate at work because you are ruminating over the ambiguous comment that we made as we left that morning. It saddens you and the nervous sensation in your stomach makes you feel sick. You try to tell yourself that it is nothing and you are over-thinking matters but you definitely heard us say that we needed more space. Were we talking about a larger house, a bigger office or was it a reference to drawing back the relationship with you? You want to ring us up but you do not want to seem silly or anxious and therefore you do nothing. On the few occasions where you pluck up some courage to ask about the latest ambiguity you are patronised, laughed at or receive an irritated glare for having troubled us with such nonsense. We will bat away your concerns only to reinstate that two hours later with some other act or comment.
You are left on edge. You talk to friends and family about it but you can see that they are becoming bored with these repeated scrutiny sessions. Your mother smiles and tells you that you are reading too much into it and it is just the relationship settling down. Your best friend will sit and listen, allowing you to espouse your various theories as you select the evidence from the weekend which in your mind suggests that we are no longer interested in you. She does her best to explain to the contrary but you can see she has become fed-up with such conversations as you pick through what she considers to be minutiae. Your repeated discussions never find any resolution. You feel a moment of calm and then the doubts return. There is nothing concrete to point to. We have not shouted at you and called you names, that is to come, we have not told you that we do not want to be with you anymore, there is nothing so obvious and direct. No, instead it is a litany of inferences, suggestions, nuances and subtleties which when viewed in isolation are meaningless but when you string them together, well, the collective effect leaves you fearing the worst.
We purposefully engender such a state of affairs. Placing you on tenterhooks causes you to provide us with fuel. Making you uncertain has you working harder to remain with us. Creating doubt prevents you from moving forward. By causing you to obsess on the details you miss the bigger picture caused by this racing mind. You fail to notice that it is deliberate. You fail to notice that it is signalling the devaluation proper. You fail to recognise that this the preparatory work for creating a state of uncertainty on which we will base an array of further manipulations. This starts to drain your energy, wear you down, prevent you from doing other things as you relentlessly focus on us and the relationship that you have with us. Everything else becomes background noise as your default setting becomes one by which you must check that everything is alright between us from the moment you wake and if you perceive that it is not, you spend the day with your mind whirling as you catastrophise and worry which only goes on to make it worse.
We bring this to bear in order to control you. We cause this to happen because we can see your worry, sense your concern and gauge your nervousness which provides us with fuel and signifies that this campaign of created uncertainty is working. There is however one particular element which drives the racing mind more than anything. Whilst we behave like this on purpose for the reasons outlined, the creation of the racing mind relies on a particular characteristic that comes from you so that it is particularly effective. It is this attribute, this state of mind, this belief which is central to the racing mind. The occurrence of the racing mind and the sensations of dread, anxiety, nervousness, bewilderment and fear that always accompany it are driven by one core belief of yours.
You believe that your reaction shows just how much you love and adore us.
The existence of worry and repeated analysis convinces you that this is because the love that we have is ultra-special and thus you must fight to retain it.
This notion, understandable as it is, is a fallacy.
You feel like this because you have been manipulated.