Knowing the Narcisisst : The Rules of Seduction
We are the masters (and mistresses) of seduction. We are experts at choosing our targets, gathering information about that target and then moving in for the seduction to commence. It is rare that we get it wrong in terms of our target selection. It is even rarer that our seduction fails.
Much of why our seduction is so effective rests on the nature of our targets, the traits that appeal to us and which we focus on. There are however several reasons about the way we conduct our seduction which means that a successful entrapment is more or less guaranteed. These rules of seduction are put into effect (whether through instinct or calculation (the latter being reserved solely to the Greater Narcissists)) whenever we want to seduce someone and draw them under our influence. Here are five of these rules which are entirely applicable to the way we seduce and contribute to how you, as our victims, are seduced.
- Opposites Do Not Attract
People often cite the adage that opposites attract. This is usually rolled out as an excuse for some imbalance and considerable difference between two people in a relationship and is often quoted by the weaker or more dependent of the couple in an attempt to explain away the seemingly incongruous set-up between people. There are always anomalies but in the majority of cases it is not a case of being attracted to someone who is your opposite.
You are attracted to someone who is similar to you. When people refer to their intimate partner as their “other half” this is exactly what they are looking for. A near-mirror image of themselves because people love themselves and it follows that loving someone who is like yourself is natural and more likely to result in a successful relationship. You are looking for your other half. This is why we mirror so extensively. We ascertain from our preparatory work what you like and how you behave and we then mirror this.
You want someone who is similar in intelligence, socioeconomic status, moral outlook and general likes. If you are a tolerant and liberal-minded person you want someone who has a similar world view. Thus we will copy and replicate those traits you exhibit and make them our own. We do this across the entire spectrum, ranging from the minor (you like watching spaghetti Westerns so we will) through to major stances and views (you are pro-choice and therefore we will mirror those views as well). It does not matter if we do not share those views, whether we are disinterested or even hold opposing views. We know that in order to attract you, you want to find your other half and therefore we hold up a mirror to you.
- Just Reward
We are aware that if you receive or perceive the receipt of a benefit from certain behaviours then you are more likely to repeat that behaviour. This is a prime way of gathering fuel but also of drawing you to us because you feel good receiving this benefit so you want to keep doing it. Accordingly, we very quickly allow you to realise that we will be pleased by you doing certain things such as complimenting us and praising us in order to cause you to do them again. We will treat you well if you behave in a certain way so you do so.
We will sound happy, take you out, buy you gifts, say wonderful things to you. It becomes like pressing a button. You take a certain step and we will respond in a positive manner so you will keep doing it. Knowing that you are able to please us and we will then do good things for you and say good things to you means you become drawn to us all the more. This repeated reinforcement is something we aim to cultivate. Why do you think we keep doing the same things with you as we did with all the previous victims?
- Familiarity Does Not Breed Contempt
With you the more familiar we seem to you the more attractive we are to you. This is a basic principle. You feel at ease in a room with people you know as opposed to a room full of strangers. Of course in the normal development of a relationship the cultivation of familiarity evolves over time and builds gradually. The more familiar you feel with us then the more positive you will be towards us. Accordingly, it is important for us to be familiar to you as soon as possible. This is why we undertake such preparatory work so that we present as if you actually know us. We will refer to having been attracted to you for years, suggest we have known you for a long time in order to engender this concept of familiarity. We also seek to increase this familiarity once we engage with you. This is one of the reasons why we spend so much time with you during the seduction. This also links with the first rule of attraction above. The more we mirror you, the more you recognise the things you like, they are familiar to you and thus the attraction increases.
- Stereotypically Good Looking
For all the comments about it being what’s on the inside that counts, that personality is more important than looks and other such supposedly meaningful comments which are designed to make the less fortunate looking feel good about themselves, it is a simple fact that people are motivated by physical appearance. The stereotypes that are attached to being good looking are those that someone who is of good looks, who is handsome, beautiful, pretty or physically attractive are that such a person is regarded as kinder, more sociable, more outgoing, more trusting, more intelligent and so forth. That immediate judgement is made by people within seconds of meeting somebody. This means that our victims are drawn to us through this initial assessment in addition to the unconscious drivers caused by their innate addiction.
Accordingly, this means that many of our kind tend to be good-looking, but not all.I do not mean necessarily stunning or of model looks (although there are those people in our number) but people who would be regarded as good-looking. Even the relatively average of our kind in looks will enhance that position through the effect of the other rules of attraction. It is unlikely (albeit not impossible) that your narcissist was physically ugly, the later ugliness came from elsewhere, but that does not figure as a rule of attraction. They may have been relatively average in looks, but as in terms of being representative as a percentage of the population, our kind are far more evident amongst the ranks of the physically attractive when compared to our numbers as part of the world’s population as a whole.
- Confidence Breeds Confidence
Confidence is attractive. Not cockiness (though this can be appealing to some) but that strength of conviction, the fact we are self-assured, comfortable in our own skin, at ease as we prowl and move. Why do we have this confidence? The fundamental reason for this confidence is that we are doing something that we have done scores of times before. The first time penalty-taker in a world cup competition will be nervous. The seasoned pro who has been there before is far more confident. When you have been doing your job for twenty years you exhibit greater confidence than a rookie starter. We are creatures of habit. We are well-practised in the way we behave. We operate in similar ways, adopting the same behaviours and this gives us an ease and an evident confidence which proves irresistible to those we have in our sights. Our confidence makes you feel confident that being attracted to us is natural and the right thing to feel.
One thought on “Knowing the Narcisisst : The Rules of Seduction”
In 18th century libertinage, it is a common conceit for the libertine to say the victim’s qualities (beauty, virtue, demureness, etc.) compelled the seduction—in essence, the seduced chooses the seducer rather than the other way around. Obviously, on one level this claim is blameshifting in advance of the inevitable destruction, but would the apparent surrender of power also be a method of allocating just rewards?