Knowing the Narcissist : Hiding From Yourself



Another session with Dr E. As I sat down in his consulting room I wondered how much had been spent so far with regards to this supposed treatment. A few thousand pounds no doubt and I imagined that both Dr E and Dr O would be more than content to continue these consultations given their lucrative nature. The cynic in my nature pondered that the financial rewards were such that they would string out this course of treatment for as long as they could.

That did not concern me. I was not paying and I usually enjoyed my sparring with the good doctors. It entertained me. However as I ruminated on whether the lure of filthy lucre was what motivated Dr E and Dr O, I realised that they at least gave the impression of wanting to help me. I know from the many sessions it was as much about me gaining awareness and insight in order to make informed decisions about what I wanted, rather than a prescriptive approach from these head doctors but I realised that they actually did care.

They wanted to help me. This of course was the main reason why I was content to keep turning up and being subjected to their questions ; these two examiners of HG provided fuel and other benefits and thus they proved attractive to me. My tolerance for their repeated probing of areas of my life that I preferred to keep shuttered and closed arose because they provided me with the attention that is so vital to my existence. I also knew that there was an admiration there for me as well. It was evident in the way the pair looked at me, especially Dr O. I knew, as academics, they admired the way I was so candid about the way I behaved.

I could see how they admired the way I had been created. I knew they did not like it, how does one like something like me given the abuse I dole out as freely as a farmer broadcasting seed, but they had that deep-seated admiration for this efficient machine that had been stripped of all unnecessary emotions and super-charged with certain traits in order to function at maximum effectiveness. Accordingly, even the doctors were providing me with the thing I needed and our relationship might continue ad infinitum. They continued to be fascinated by me and they desired to help me. I, in turn, was content to engage in this relationship as it provided something that I required. The arrangement was a mutually satisfying one, even when the doctors strayed into territories that were best left alone.

“Hello HG how are you?” asked Dr E. I hesitated. He did not normally enquire as to my state of being. Others would trot out such a question rarely interested in the answer but merely performing a social nicety. Dr E did not ask such a question and for him to  now do so put me on guard.

“I am excellent well, thank you for your kind enquiry,” I replied with a smile. I did not enquire after his well-being, I was not interested nor did I have to feign such interest.

“Good. Now, straight down to business, who are you?”

“H G Tudor.”

“Indeed you are. Anything else?”

I paused. I see Dr E we were going deep today were we? Very well, let’s flush out where you want to go.

“The question of who I am is something that depends on the context,” I began. Dr E commenced his note-taking.

“How does one define oneself is what I suspect you are really driving at.” I looked to Dr E for a sign of affirmation but there was none.

“Do I have an idea of who I am? How is that arrived at? Do I know who I am or do I look to others to define me? Am I an independent identity that has been shaped by my own decisions or am I a product of others and their experiences? Am I aware of who I am or have I yet to discover all that I am?”

“All interesting questions but let me return to my initial question,” interrupted Dr E, “who are you?”

“Who am I? I am many things to many people. Friend, lover, boss or confidant are labels which are applicable to me. Conqueror, seducer, victim and defiler are others which are equally applicable. Charismatic, urbane, intelligent, interesting, stimulating, successful and alluring are also traits that come together to create who I am.”

“I see. Would you say therefore that you are confident that you know who you are?”


“Do you think that if I asked this question of your family and friends, your colleagues or even my secretary that they would give similar answers to those you have provided me with?”

I snorted.

“Liars lurk within the ranks of those you have described and they have nothing but ill-will towards me. Their perfidy is so great I can smell its stench as I sit here. By all means ask but you will be given nothing but a litany of lies. Insults and assaults on my good nature.”

“So all of them would insult you?”

“No, not all, there are those who know me for what I am.”

“Might it be said that they all know you for who you are?” pressed Dr E.

“No. There are those who have an agenda to topple me and it is they that think they know me but they have constructed an idea of what I am and it is a false one that is used to serve their nefarious purposes. Others recognise my greatness and they are content to embrace it.”

“But could it not be the case that these categories of people just happen to know different elements of you. Your admirers know the H G that is generous, interesting and charming. Those who you regard as detractors perhaps know a different part of you, the defiler and conqueror that you made reference to, this causing them to regard you in a less positive light?” asked Dr E.

“No. The defiler and conqueror are artifices created by those who seek to harm me. Let them do so and I will be that which they think I am. It is no more than they deserve. They create such a monstrosity through their perfidy and unwarranted attacks, so let them know the beast, let them feel its hot and fetid breath in their faces, the rake of its claws against their yielding skin and the full horror of its power on their being. They create it, let them endure it,” I spat, the mere consideration of those who would do me wrong causing my fury to ignite.

“Could you not possess all of those attributes? Could it not be the case you have them all and people see some over others?”

“No,” I said firmly. Dr E nodded and fell silent.

“What would you think if I said that I think you are hiding from yourself?”

I switched my gaze from Dr E and focussed on a picture on the wall. Not this, don’t start this again. Don’t let him gain a foothold H G. Repel the boarder, eject the intruder, cast him out.

“I do not hide.”

“But might you not realise that you are doing so?”


“Could it be that you do not know who you are?”


“Could it be that you do know but would prefer not to contemplate it?”


“Is this line of discussion making you uncomfortable?”


I shifted my gaze back to Dr E. Go on, keep trying to batter through my defences, you will not succeed. I know your game Dr E. I know what you are trying to suggest but I am not going there.

“Very well. Let us go back to how you regard yourself then, elaborate on that,” he invited.

The sense of relief washed over me but I gave no outward sign of its effect. I smiled, elated to have rejected this probing once again and excited by the prospect of talking about my favourite subject in greater detail; me.


9 thoughts on “Knowing the Narcissist : Hiding From Yourself

  1. Jenny says:

    Perhaps, The Alchemist? In the light, transforms base motives and goals into wisdom. In the dark, misuses power and knowledge. One who has the power to create or transmute pain. Man creates one. Spirit another. The power is that both are contained in the alchemist.

    And whilst pain is one of the greatest creators of power, energetically speaking power is neutral. Destroyers can not help but birth new beginnings. Protectors can not help but paralyze growth where evolution is warranted. Maybe life keeps its sacred balance?

    You give people knowledge which allows them to transmute their pain. Not only in the moment, but the wisdom to protect themselves in the future. You bring light. Begrudgingly or not. 🙂 I hope you feel the light of our gratitude in return.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I do not feel it, but I recognise it in your words.

  2. Lisa-Jane Young says:

    That, was a fascinating read HG!! Thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am pleased you enjoyed it.

  3. WiserNow says:

    How to Regain Your Soul
    by William E. Stafford

    Come down Canyon Creek trail on a summer afternoon
    that one place where the valley floor opens out. You will see
    the white butterflies. Because of the way shadows
    come off those vertical rocks in the west, there are
    shafts of sunlight hitting the river and a deep
    long purple gorge straight ahead. Put down your pack.

    Above, air sighs the pines. It was this way
    when Rome was clanging, when Troy was being built,
    when campfires lighted caves. The white butterflies dance
    by the thousands in the still sunshine. Suddenly, anything
    could happen to you. Your soul pulls toward the canyon
    and then shines back through the white wings to be you again.

  4. elizabeth says:

    I love you!

  5. Heidi says:

    I guess I am confused about how this therapy is supposed to help you. You and Dr. E. came to a stalemate in his line of questioning. Also, it is always the client, not the therapist, who directs the discussion or what they hope to get from the session. I have had therapy on and off over the years, and I was always encouraged to talk about what was troubling me that day.
    This sounds more like an interrogation instead of a therapy session. I also wonder if the doctor is writing a book about you. Clearly you are a treasure trove for research into the narcissistic/psychopathic mind.
    So you have been forced into this by the family, and from what I have read so far, this has been going on for a while.
    To what end?
    Have you benefited at all from this? Or is the family given a false sense of security that they are “helping” you?
    If there is no growth or change, what is the purpose of going?
    These are both genuine and rhetorical questions. I just know that when I have achieved my aims for my therapy, it ends there. I gain my understanding or healing and then move on until I need it again.
    I do not see that he helped you at all in this session. He directed the flow of conversation with his pointed questions and then, when he didn’t get his answers, he just let you go on.
    It is unsettling.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Dr E is trying to control me.
      2. I have allowed them to believe they have forced me into this.
      3. To what end? From whose perspective? The family or mine?
      4. Yes, I have benefitted from this but not in the way your question infers.
      5. The Grand Design.

      1. lovemrthornton says:

        Thanks for your reply … As far as my third question, “To what end?” I was asking to what end from your perspective. The therapy should help *you* and no one else. It’s not your family’s business. And if he is not structuring the sessions for your benefit but just to extract information from you, I don’t see how that’s at all helpful.
        I see that you have benefitted from this, but not in the way my question infers. I know I see this through the empath’s eyes. If you’re gaining insight into the way you operate, then I guess it’s effective. Your web site and services have been an outcrop of that, but these things benefit others.
        The Grand Design … I guess you mean by this that your grand design is to leave your legacy after you check out. In that case, all of this makes sense.
        I was first reacting to the therapist’s questions and thought they seemed more of self service to him rather than to you, which is why I thought that was objectionable. But it sounds like you are in control.

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