Knowing the Narcissist : The Narcissist´s Wheel of Misery
There can be no disputing that ensnarement with our kind results in misery for our victims. How might one assess that misery in terms of impact? There is both an objective standard and a subjective one.
Let us take two ensnarements :-
The first is the Intimate Partner Primary Source (Wife) of a Middle Lesser Narcissist. The ensnarement has lasted 15 years. He has physically assaulted her more times than can now be remembered, he is known around town for chasing “young skirt”, he occasionally works, leaving her to hold down a job and raise a family. He steals money from her, he is verbally abusive, forceful sexually and his version of being pleasant to her is a break in the abusive behaviour.
The second is the Dirty Little Secret of an Upper Mid Range Narcissist. He is married and has the archetypal desirable family unit, he lives in a pleasant part of town, he has a high-powered profession, is liked by many and supports local charities through fundraising efforts which he comperes. The DLS has been The Other Hidden Woman for 7 years, always hoping he will leave the wife. The DLS has never been called a bad name, she is expected to appear at short notice when the UMR Narcissist compels it and if she fails to do so she receives a triangulated comment with regard to the wife or even other women who may or may not be IPSSs since it is unclear to the DLS. She is often let down by him as he cancels at the last minute but he always lets her know, he never does a ´no show´. She finds herself envious of the apparent delightful lifestyle of the wife and wishes she could be her. She often feels used especially when he insists on the role playing games when they meet at the high-end hotel out of town, but it is just role-playing right?
If you asked me as an impartial observer which of those two ensnarements is worse for the victim, this would be my answer.
The former has the worse situation, but for each of them their situations are equally unpleasant and horrific. Objectively the answer is the first, but subjectively they are equal.
Both individuals are miserable.
They are caught on The Narcissist´s Wheel of Misery.
When we put you on this wheel it is difficult, but not impossible to stop it turning.
How does this wheel work. Once you have become ensnared in whatever form it takes with regard to your position in the narcissist´s fuel matrix, you are feeding your inherent addiction to narcissists. This addiction (by the very fact it is an addiction) is hugely powerful and it compels you to engage with the narcissist (and often several narcissists in different guises and you do not realise they are narcissists) often and repeatedly.
This wheel has you sitting down for coffee with the narcissist, pleading with the narcissist to stop hitting you, asking the narcissist why he is not talking to you.
It has you texting the narcissist to ask where he is, or what he wants for dinner, or whether he will come and see you. It has you reading the plethora of apparently contrite text messages that you are being bombarded with after being on the receiving end of a tirade at your 40th birthday party.
It has you exasperated as emails flood you demanding to know when he can see the children. This wheel has you stalking her Twitter and Instagram profiles to find out where she really was last night when she failed to turn up as expected. This wheel has you running around the neighbourhood running errands for the narcissist.
The wheel has you sat sobbing with your mother recounting the latest hateful text exchange. it has you at your friends´houses as you go over again and again his push and pull behaviour as you try to fathom out what on earth is going on. You spin around and around as you sit looking at the pictures of the golden period wondering what went wrong?
It has you lamenting the perfect love which has slipped through your fingers or wondering if the new man will make her happier than you ever could make her feel. This revolving wheel of misery takes hold of you and has you wondering where he has gone to, why he has not answered your text messages, why he made that remark about your cooking, why he never helps you with the household chores, ascertaining if you can make some improvements to solve this riddle, pondering why he never touches you like he used to and whether he is getting “it” elsewhere and who with.
The Wheel of Misery has you turning round and round so you engage with and about the narcissist in a multiplicity of ways and every time it causes you to interact, this is what happens.
You interact.
Your emotional thinking rises.
You do not use logic.
You continue to interact.
Your emotional thinking rises.
You do not use logic.
You continue to interact.
Your emotional thinking rises.
This is The Wheel part. Round and round and round.
Now let us add in the misery.
You interact.
You suffer an adverse consequence from the narcissist/because of the narcissist
(Example the narcissist verbally insults you/you feel upset thinking about the once good times with the narcissist)
Your emotional thinking rises.
The unpleasant emotions rise as a consequence
(Example you feel anger at how you have been treated.)
You do not use logic.
You continue to interact.
You suffer an adverse consequence from the narcissist/because of the narcissist
Your emotional thinking rises.
The unpleasant emotions rise as a consequence.
You do not use logic.
You continue to interact.
You suffer an adverse consequence from the narcissist/because of the narcissist
Your emotional thinking rises.
The unpleasant emotions rise as a consequence.
You do not use logic.
You continue to interact.
You suffer an adverse consequence from the narcissist/because of the narcissist
Your emotional thinking rises.
The unpleasant emotions rise as a consequence.
You do not use logic.
You continue to interact.
You suffer an adverse consequence from the narcissist/because of the narcissist
Your emotional thinking rises.
The unpleasant emotions rise as a consequence.
Thus the revolving wheel has now added the misery caused by what we do to you and how you are made to feel as a consequence of what we do and/or your own actions in relation to us.
One things leads to another. The more you interact, the greater the misery, the more your emotional thinking will rise, the greater the misery, logic becomes less used and more obscured and on it goes.
This is why when you are placed on The Wheel of Misery it becomes so hard to stop it.
How do you stop The Wheel of Misery from turning and keeping you on it as you go helplessly and hopeless round and round?
Firstly you have to recognise that you are on The Wheel of Misery.
How is this done? You assess your feelings.
Is this person making you cry, get angry, feel worthless, horrified because they are hurting your children, making you feel lonely by isolating you from friends, making you feel sad by taking you for granted, making you feel tired by failing to support you, alarming you by spitting in your face, annoying you through stealing your money, irritating you by belittling you when at dinner with friends, angering you by never acknowledging your contributions, hurting you by punching you in the face, causing you upset through sleeping with someone else, making you feel anguish commenting about how brilliant your brother is and how rubbish you are, making you sad because they are always forgetting your birthday, causing you to feel anxious by spoiling the wedding anniversary, making you frustrated through never wanting to go on holiday, having you at your wits end because they never help around the house, demanding sexual behaviour which upsets you, unnerving you by pushing you, saddening you through never showing affection, making you feel frightened by shouting at you, causing you to feel frustrated by blowing hot and cold and a thousand other adverse sensations and feelings, then you are on the wheel.
You have to recognise you are on the wheel.
When you do you must realise what this wheel is, that it is self-perpetuating, that it is misery and only misery (despite how that might sometimes be masked) and most of all you must stop it turning.
How do you then stop it turning?
You gather the tools to do so from me. This well then enable you to apply those tools and this will (and it will) lead to The Wheel of Misery stopping that seemingly endless turning.
It is a miserable, empty and hurtful wheel that will always turn.
Unless you stop it.
