Knowing the Narcissist : Lonely
I like it when you are lonely. That is my favourite place for you. When we first meet if you make mention of feeling lonely, or send a self-pitying tweet decrying your loneliness then I am straight on to you. You may as well have taken a knife to your chest, slit it open and shouted, “Come and get me.” Those in a state of loneliness are massively susceptible to my overtures when I decide to engulf you in my bombardment of flattery and zealous appreciation. Those who have tired of their single status and wallowing in solitary confinement seize on this interest of mine. The red flags may be fluttering but you never see them or if you do, you think “how pretty”.
I may make you feel wanted and special but all I am doing is moving you. I am transporting you from loneliness in the real world to isolated splendour in my false reality. Once I have positioned you there I shall busy myself cutting you off from family, friends and acquaintances.
You will readily go along with my fabricated denigrations of people you once held dear and who you saw regularly. You want more of the sugar that I am pouring on you. To do that you need to spend more time with me and thus less with anyone else. It is hardly a sacrifice though is it? Any dissenting voices are marginalised by cleverly constructed smear campaigns against these people (watch out – that campaign will be used against you in the not too distant future). You are an eager co-conspirator happy to discard these people (how can you be so callous?) with the repeated promise and reward of more of my intoxicating attention.
Once all those ties have been cut you are mine. You are dependent on me for everything. You have nobody to turn to and thus your focus will always be on me. As you try harder to please me, the realisation of your isolation becomes all the more apparent. You can feel the tendrils of loneliness wrapping around you once again.
I know you will feel this and I know you will do all the more to cling onto me, your life raft, your beacon of hope in the wilderness. Anything to avoid being left alone. I am afraid it is too late. Your isolation was sealed the moment you listened to me. You are so alone nobody can hear you scream.
8 thoughts on “Knowing the Narcissist : Lonely”
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When I look back on my marriage, I can see the times when he was upset about my attending a women’s group at church or even when I first discovered Facebook. That was the beginning of the end. At that point, the vise grip hardened, but it had the opposite effect on what he intended. That is when I decided, “Either leave now or stay and die.”
Hello Heidi, I know the feeling. I feel like I have been running my race alone and I am tired of facing the obstacles alone. I need some people to encourage me to keep going and finish the race I am looking for a church small group to attend. I actually had yesterday off, so I attended a local church. I had told God if I got a Sunday off I would go. And I didn’t want to go by myself. It’s been a long time since I have been to church. I was thinking of every excuse not to go. But I’m ready to reconnect with people that I will have something in common with. I need a church home. Its just hard with my schedule because I work just about every Sunday. And the small groups start before I get off work. I know God will open one up for me. I am glad you got out.
Hey Forever Serene,
That is a tough situation. Ironically, I have not been to church since before the Pandemic. Long story, but I am currently in the same situation now.
When I escaped, the group I was in was integral to getting me out. They led me to a therapist who helped me figure out what to do. At the time, I felt I was in a “house of mirrors.” The narcissist had gaslighted me to such an extent that I literally had lost my compass and second guessed my sense of reality constantly.
I do not know if you have gotten out yet, but I believe in answered prayers and that you have been heard.
“Running alone” is so hard, but the payoff is huge when you stick with the journey. Your note means so much to me, because I have been where you are and many times still feel I am still there. The effects of abuse can haunt for years, but we have a hope within us that nothing can stomp out.
Don’t lose heart. ❤️
Thank you Heidi,
I am free from the narcissist that hurt me the most. I prefer to focus on the victory of being free from him instead of the others that I struggle to break free from.
There are some narcissists that I have not gone No Contact with. I love them very much and to go No Contact feels like giving up on them. So I use the tools that I have learned from HG to manage how I react to those narcissists. I don’t like to admit that because I don’t want other people to stay stuck. I want them to be free and go No Contact.
One example of a narcissist that I am currently dealing with would be at work.
I was dealing with a couple of managers and a coworker that I needed to get away from, so I purchased HG’s and how to handle the narcissist in the workplace.
I didn’t want to quit my job, so I changed departments. But unfortunately, my new manager tears me and my coworkers down daily. So lately I feel very negative.
And I ask God what is it that you want me to learn from this situation? Are you working on my character? Are you wanting me to enforce boundaries? Are you testing my patience? Are you wanting me to love people who are unlovable? Because currently, I am struggling to even like people. Are you wanting me to quit and go in another direction?
Maybe it’s not about me. Maybe I am where God wants me so that I can help the women that I work with. Maybe he put me there for a reason.
Hello again, Forever Serene,
I have had similar issues to seeing the wisdom of going No Contact but being prevented by doing so. Mr. T’s explanation is that we are addicted to the narcissists and chained by emotional thinking. That is the logical way to think of it, but when you love people, it is a difficult thing to do.
I believe my mother was a narcissist, and she passed away this past October. Since then, my relationship has healed with my brother — we are in contact far more than ever, and she is no longer present to triangulate. A few years ago, I knew she was triangulating and smearing, and this caused a breakdown in our communication.
Although her actions were reprehensible, she was still my mother, and I still felt a responsibility to her as she declined.
My rule of thumb for all of this is … If I can go to sleep at night with a clear conscience, that is the course of action I should take. I do not regret my decision to continue to care for my mother, but I also recognize the toxicity.
Mr. T’s blogs and videos, which I discovered by accident while grieving over my mother’s death, have really cleared a lot of cobwebs and solved numerous mysteries for me.
I am not sure if you have invested in his Empath Detector, but I highly recommend it. After I received my results, it was like the missing pieces of the puzzle completed the picture. Everything makes sense now. Highly recommend the investment.
I also understand about toxic workplaces … I changed careers to special education teaching after working as a news journalist/wire service reporter, etc., for 30 years. What I have realized looking back is that as an empath, I was drawn to that industry, which is chock full of narcissists. I don’t know where you work or your industry, but it might be worth taking a look at whether you really love it. Decide whether the toxicity is worth the love of your vocation.
Although I loved being a reporter, especially with AP, I can see how my quality of life has shifted for the better. There are still narcissists even in a school, but it’s not nearly as rampant as my former career.
Something to consider for yourself as well: I do believe God works for us and through us, but I also know that there was a time when I felt led to get out of what I was doing. It has been a tremendous change for the better.
Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom. Very much appreciated.
I read co-worker as ‘cow worker’ hahahah love that FS and that is how I shall refer to all N colleagues from now on! Nice one! X
If there is one thing I’ve learned though, you really can’t save others unless you’ve saved yourself first.
I understand what you are saying about saving yourself first.
However, I shared with my sister and daughter what I was learning about narcissism while I was still trying to figure things out for myself and now they are free from their toxic relationships.
Sometimes people can’t save themselves.
For example, about a month ago I was driving and came across a bicyclist that was laying in the middle of the road not moving.
Nobody else was around. I stopped my car in the middle of the road, put my flashers on, and hoped that nobody would come around the corner and run us over.
I stopped the traffic that was coming in the opposite direction and while all this was happening I was hoping that this man wasn’t dead. I was hoping there wouldn’t be any blood and I was thinking why is this happening?
Then another gentleman got out of his car to assist. I called 911. The man was alive but he was injured. We think maybe he had a broken hip he was in pain and could not move.
Another lady came along and said she was a Paramedic so she took over until the ambulance could arrive.
So sometimes it takes multiple people of all skill levels working together to save someone who can’t save themselves.