Knowing the Narcissist : The Narcissist and Marriage



Marriage. Widely-regarded as one of the central events in a person’s life. Whether it is a traditional church affair with white wedding dress, a civil ceremony inside a football stadium, something unusual such as at the bottom of a swimming pool, a same sex union, a week long Indian wedding or getting spliced in front of Elvis in Las Vegas, marriage remains a celebration.

It is the idea that two people want to spend the rest of their days together. The concept that this other person is so important to you that you wish to pledge your fidelity, allegiance and your entire self to your significant other before whichever personal god you worship. Notwithstanding the differing ways weddings occur, it remains a joyous occasion and one which many people aspire to, with differing ideas of how the day will look and feel. People seek a happy, long and fulfilling marriage. Sometimes that does not work out, sometimes it does. Our kind are no strangers to marriage, indeed, of those people who marry more than once, our kind are probably well-represented. One might be forgiven for thinking that our kind are particular devotees of the concept of marriage and in some respects, that is correct, but not for reasons people would expect. How do we regard marriage?

  1. It is a brilliant device for future faking. Those who are love devotees, which includes empathic people, want to marry. They consider the act of union with the person that they love to be hugely significant and a true marker of intent and desire. Our kind utilise the significance that is attributed to marriage as the means by which we can continue to draw people to us and also keep them bound to us, even if we have not married them. The promise of marriage at some future point is a definite ace to play to prevent an appliance from drifting away. Whether this is an IPPS who we live with or a Candidate IPSS we have high hopes for or even a Shelf IPSS who has not (unsurprisingly) worked out what they are, the potential to become married is tempting indeed. The promise of marriage becomes a large comfort crumb to feed to the appliance and involves sentences such as:

“I think we should get married at some point.”

“When I get the next promotion, I think we should consider getting married.”

“We ought to get married next year.”

“When someone is as happy as you and I, we really ought to  be married.”

“I often think about what it would be like to be married.” (Not necessarily to you though)

“Can you imagine how great it would be if we got married?”

There is no proposal of marriage, no definite confirmation that this should take place but rather a vague and amorphous intention which can easily be put back when we choose so we can keep using this as a tempting morsel to keep you interested. It does not just have to be about stating an intention to get married but will include:-

a. Looking at engagement rings but never buying one;

b. Considering suitable wedding venues but never booking anything;

c. Discussing honeymoons but not booking anything;

d. Mentioning it to family and friends;

e. Drawing up potential guests lists but never doing anything with them;

f. Considering where to have the wedding list;

g. Considering what items to have on the wedding list;

h. Discussing colours for outfits, flowers, a theme and so forth but making no concrete decisions.

Such is the allure of the idea of getting married that it is probably the largest comfort crumb that can be fed to an appliance and the largest piece of future faking.

2. Marriage is extremely effective at binding an IPPS to us. We want to ensure that person is ours, owned by us and therefore by becoming engaged and getting married within a short time of meeting the IPPS we secure this individual and bind them to us through the institution of marriage. The appliance is made to feel ultra-special by us proposing to them and then marrying them.

3. It reinforces the concept of love which appeals to the empathic love devotee. As the song goes, ‘love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage’. Love and all of its binding abilities, supportive elements and fuelling connotations goes hand in hand with marriage and therefore getting married is seen as a supreme act of love. Accordingly, marriage is always going to prove an excellent move with regards to ensnaring a choice empathic victim.

4. The façade. Being married tells the world that we can attract somebody, that somebody loves us, that we are desirable. It suggests stability and reliability and as such is a useful device for bolstering the façade so we are regarded as respectable and honourable. As Alec Baldwin stated in the film, The Departed

“Marriage is an important part of getting ahead. It lets people know you’re not a homo. A married guy seems more stable. People see the ring, they think “at least somebody can stand the son of a bitch.” Ladies see the ring, they know immediately that you must have some cash, and your cock must work.”

Several elements there which would support the façade and also appeal to our notion of getting ahead, and being seen as desirable.

5. Stability. This is a two pronged matter. The outside world, as mentioned above in the quote, regards a married person as more stable which helps with the façade. It also however helps our kind maintain stability with regards to the provision of fuel. This is especially important for the Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists who may not have the sophisticated fuel matrices of the Greater. By securing the IPPS in this manner through marriage, the narcissist is gaining the advantage of knowing that there is going to be a reliable source of fuel for some time (both positive and then negative).

6. Religion. Whilst not as important as it once was (witness the rise of civil ceremonies) religion still plays an important part for many people with regard to the concept of marriage and where religion is a fundamental part of the life of the targeted victim, then this is something that we will exploit. Adhering to the religious significance of marriage enables us to use to not only draw a victim to us but also to bind them to us too.

7. The Preparation. Most weddings require considerable preparation. The wedding venue, a reception venue, what food will be served, whether there is a theme, stag and hen parties, guest lists, what will be worn, where people will sit, the wedding list, the wedding vehicles, the entertainment and so on and so forth. This provides us with numerous opportunities for the provision of fuel by repeatedly talking about our forthcoming nuptials, being able to show off in terms of extravagance, settling old scores and creating new ones through those who are invited and those who are not. There is a myriad of possibilities to use this occasion to our advantage when engaging in the preparation. Indeed, the different opportunities for gaining fuel merit an article in itself with regard to the run-up to and the preparation for a wedding.

8. The wedding day. This is one huge fuel fest. So many adoring appliances, jealous appliances, love-lorn and emotional. Everywhere we go, all eyes are on us. Scores of fuel lines running from us to all of these appliances, from the staff waiting on us, the vicar, the bridesmaids, the bride/groom, the guests. The power surge from all of the positive fuel (and there will be some negative fuel in there too – always pays to invite an ex appliance along just to keep things spiced up. My ex-wife repeatedly reminded me how she was surprised to find one of my exes at our wedding. I wasn’t surprised by how much fuel it kept providing me with thereafter). The day is one of fuel from start to finish and whilst everyone else is enjoying themselves through seeing love requited, the flowing alcohol and interesting dancing, we are gorging on the fuel that is flowing.

It is also worth making mention of The Pinnacle Effect. This is one of the interesting consequences of a wedding. Once the marriage has been secured there are those of our kind who find the explosion of fuel to be the best it can be in terms of positive fuel. This is also allied with the fact that the marriage also means that our kind see that the IPPS is totally embedded and ensnared. This results in the Pinnacle Effect. It is not evident with every wedding that occurs between narcissist and victim, indeed it less likely than more likely, but it is still worth mentioning. Once the ceremony has been completed, the reception attended and either the happy couple head off on their honeymoon or retire to their suite that night, The Pinnacle Effect occurs. The positive fuel is as good as it gets, the IPPS is ensnared and thus the devaluation begins. I have heard of numerous occasions where the blushing bride has become the bludgeoned bride or the amorous groom finds himself the alienated groom instead. The devaluation commences through being frozen out, verbally attacked or even physically assaulted.

9. Marriage applies to you and not to us. You have said the vows and we expect and demand you to comply with them. You will be faithful to us, you will look after us in sickness and in health, you will remain with us for better or for worse, for richer or poorer and so forth. You belong to us. That is the central tenet of the Narcissistic Relationship and the sealed nuptials confirms this to be the case. You will abide by these vows and be a reliable, faithful and compliant spouse. Of course with our sense of entitlement, lack of boundary recognition and failure to account, those vows do not apply to us. We will say them but we will not abide by them.

10. Marriage is a useful device. If you transgress in some way, we will hurl your vows at you (regardless of what we have done to offend them) and we will tell all and sundry that you have sullied the sacred name of marriage. We will wail about ‘wanting to make the marriage work’ when we perceive that you may be trying to escape us. We use the concept of marriage as a manipulative device to further our aims. You must be tied to us, you must save the marriage and not walk away from it, it is a yoke about your neck and a means to an end for us.

11. Stickability. The fact that you are married to us and you believe in the concept of marriage means that you are less likely to give up on it. You do not like to fail and you do not want to walk away without having tried to make it work. Binding you to us in this fashion means that we force you to keep trying and to cling on to us, with all the attendant benefits which subscribe to the Prime Aims also.

12. Divorce. If we marry you and we decide or you have the audacity to try to escape then it follows that divorce must take place. It is not a straight forward case of packing a bag and walking away. The fact that marriage requires a divorce if you seek to escape it provides us with further opportunities to draw fuel, bolster the façade and either hoover you back in or make your life a misery by pillorying you through the divorce proceedings.

It is rare to find a narcissist who has not been married and with some of our kind the marriages will number two or more. And why not? The institution of marriage is ripe for exploitation to further our narcissistic agenda.

Little wonder we are so ready to say ‘I do’.

If only you knew this beforehand so you could have said, ‘I do not’.

22 thoughts on “Knowing the Narcissist : The Narcissist and Marriage

  1. NarcAngel says:

    HG chats with God. Now THERE’S an idea for an article /video I’d be interested in. So many possibilities in the delivery/direction.
    Quite serious.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I do occasionally talk to myself NA.

      1. Viol. says:

        Wait, aren’t you supposed to be the Devil?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I am whatever I choose to be.

    2. TBS says:

      You shit the hell out of me NA, just saying.

  2. Hello there Friend,

    From the tone of the article, it seems like you are speaking from the first person perspective. Are you a narcissist? or did you simply choose that tone for the sake of delivering this piece?
    The truth is, if you are narcissist, it is likely best to speak to a therapist and fellowship with God. Those things can help. Regardless of whether a narcissist is self aware or not, that does not change the status of who they are. Alternatively, if you are simply using the tone for delivery – then that is fine, I get the literary style.

    As for narcissists, the truth is that there are many narcissists in this world (not to make an excuse for their existence, or to say that it is okay). We need to be careful of who we let into our lives. One of the ways to avoid narcissists, is to use the red flags you have identified in your post to spot them. Additionally, I would advise that people should also pray to God frequently concerning their love life (and the people who they choose to date). A marriage is a serious commitment (both legally, romantically, and spiritually), and should not be done with the wrong person. God is able to give us discernment to know who is who.

    God says in Jeremiah 29:11
    “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”.


    All the best. May God bless you. 

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Of the two people you reference in your post, only one is going to provide you with the correct information about narcissists and he is not your imaginary friend.

      1. Anna Plyance says:

        If it is Jeremiah, he stole your work! And that is why he was left with nothing but lamentations thereafter, ladies and gentlemen.

        1. Viol. says:

          Also Hosea, writer of the first country-western song:

          🎶Yew broke mah heart
          Yew wuthless tart
          Now, won’t you please come back?🎵

        2. Thank you for your response. Have you tried going to therapy at least?

          1. Anna Plyance says:

            – HG, I’ll completely understand if you throw this comment out for preachiness. –
            To “christcenteredruminations”:
            Since your comment landed on my doorstep, so to speak, I’ll take you up on it.
            You are not in a position to recommend therapy to anyone from in front of your screen. Loving your neighbour does not mean dumping unwanted and unfounded advice on people who are total strangers to you. That is not love, it is passing judgment, and that is not for us, or my Bible is very different from yours. However, if you want to help save a lot of people from needing therapy, you have come to the right place. You say you do not support narcissists. Good. Then read up here on what you can do to limit their influence, and then you will also come to understand terms like “Holy narcissists” and “Golden Period”. This site and HG’s books and other material have the best scientifically sound information on narcissism there is. You will not find better anywhere. You can learn how to identify narcissists, how they damage those around them, e.g. their own children, and how to prevent that from happening. That is how you can really do some good for your neighbour.

          2. trev says:

            try reading more of the website before asking obvious questions

      2. Thank you for your response. I am glad we could start a conversation about this. Okay, have you tried any of the options at all?

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Oh, I think it’s safe to say most of us have used Dear God and Jesus Christ during the entanglement. Just not in the way that’s being proposed.

      1. KitKat says:

        During the golden period as well. But that’s also a much different way.

        1. Hello, thank you for your response. I am new to this forum, therefore, some of the terminology is new to me. What is the golden period? and also, if I may ask, what does God mean to you?

          1. HG Tudor says:

            This is not a place for preaching.

      2. Thank you for your response. Let’s get off to a decent start. What does God mean to you?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          We will end that discussion right there. This is not a place for preaching.

    3. Viol. says:


      There are Holy Narcissists. I just spent a year working with one. Ordinary Narcissists are incurable anyhow, because they sincerely think they are fine as they are, but Holy Narcissists are even worse because they also think God approves.

      1. Thank you for your response Viol. However, the truth is that, there are no such thing as holy narcissists. There are only narcissists who use the Lord as an anchor to carry on their activities. I do not support such people (whether they are in society or the church).

        1. Viol. says:

          You need to surf this website more, as trev has commented. “Holy Narcissist” is the term HG uses for people who do exactly as you describe. They are not truly “holy” any more than “Angels With Dirty Faces” are angels.
          Therapy is exactly how this blog came into being. As numerous books on the subject have stated, Narcissists and sociopaths are often expert at manipulating their therapists. If Narcissists of average capability can do so, what do you think someone with HG’s intelligence and education can do?
          I happen to believe in God, but I understand why many people don’t and others just hate him.

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