Knowing the Narcissist : The Ten Types of Victim the Narcissist Hoovers
I make repeated mention of how we always come back for more. This of course is the brilliance of the hoover. Some people struggle to comprehend that we will always keep returning for more fuel, if the opportunity arises. Why would we not? We love fuel. We love your fuel (after all that was why you were chosen as the primary source) and even better we love the hoover fuel which you provide.
The hoover serves many functions. First and foremost, it is a means of exerting control and gaining fuel, seeing how the land lies for potential further machinations, a means of preventing you moving forward, a means of hindering your understanding, a method of reinforcing our superiority, dominance and omnipotence. It serves these functions and many more. Hoovers take place throughout the dance with our kind, but most possibly associate them with the aftermath, the period following escape or more likely discard. When we look at the hoover in such a scenario, when we come back for more, we do so for one of the following three reasons: –
- To draw you back into the relationship again so that the whole narcissistic cycle can begin once more;
- To hurt you. We don’t want the formal relationship again but we want to remind you of how worthless you are and thus we aim to hurt you through this form of hoover;
- To draw some positive fuel (it may be a drop or it may be lashings of it) but we do not want the formal relationship to start again or indeed ever, but we know you provide delicious hoover fuel so we will keep coming back for more. We do not do enough to recommence the formal relationship but we certainly extract some fuel from you. It might be a text, it may be a telephone call or personal visit, but it is passing. It may only take a moment or an afternoon, but it is temporary and then having extracted the fuel we will withdraw again (only to appear at some later stage). The formal relationship does not begin again.
It is this third manoeuvre (which is a benign follow-up hoover) which often confuses people. You can understand hoovering to start the relationship again. You can understand lashing out at you and being nasty because hey, after all we are Grade A Bastards aren’t we? However, why make the effort to gain some fuel and then withdraw again?
It may be because we have a reliable primary source in place but cannot resist a slurp of the hoover fuel. It may happen because circumstance makes it too good to resist. There are several factors but one of the chief factors is the role which you are allocated post escape/discard. The application of the benign follow-up hoover which does not seek the restoration of the formal relationship relies on you conforming to a particular role and the fuel which flows from it. There are many different roles which can be assigned to you at this point, but here are ten of them.
- The Wish You Well
Whenever we hoover you, you ask with your well-known decency how we are faring, you ask about our progress workwise, our health and about all other matters. You do so with that goodness of heart and nature for which you as an empathic person is famed and whilst there is no torrent of raging emotion, your kindness and compassion still fuel us. You may well have largely moved on from us, but you are unable to sever all ties. You know not to go back but you cannot help but always want to hear that we are doing good and that you can accordingly wish us well.
- The Optimist
This contact gives you hope that there might be a return to the golden period. You do not push it, since you know how this can cause us to react, but you are receptive to our advance, pleased, no delighted to hear from us and you engage with enthusiasm, trying to keep your pulsating heart under control. You see each time we “drop by” as the possibility that this time we sweep you in our arms and take you back once more. Each time you are disappointed but this does not dim your hope and optimism, perhaps next time will be the time?
- The Guilty
You feel bad that the relationship did not work out and you blame yourself as much (if not more) than us for its demise. Your status as a love devotee means that you still believe that love will conquer all and you spend your time apologising for what you did that was wrong and that which you did not do right. Of course we do nothing to cause you to think any different, enjoying your self-flagellation which always rises to the surface whenever we get in touch.
- The Navel Gazer
You are obsessed with understanding who you are and regard our interaction as an integral part of that. You want our views and opinions on your introspection and use any contact from us as an opportunity to invite us to comment about you, no matter how brutal it might be. You believe that you are unable to establish who you truly are without understanding the nature of your relationship with us and each occasion that we reach out to you again provides you with an opportunity to engage for the purpose of finding these answers. Your reliance on us is both edifying and fuelling.
- The Healer
You will not let go of the notion that we can be fixed and any interaction between us results in you resuming the mantle of being that healer, putting our interests ahead of your own with the inevitable fuel which arises from your compassionate and kind-hearted behaviour.
- The Nymph
You hate us for what we did but the sex was oh so good and you cannot resist the lure of a late night text for some sexual interaction in the hope that it might lead to a tussle between the sheets again. You maintain that all you want is sexual gratification and adopting this stance is a form of payback for us, but your engaging with us through sexting and flirtation provides us with the hoover fuel that we want.
- The Tourniquet
You are not a tourniquet but you need one. You cannot work out what has happened and every engagement is a fuel-filled questioning session as to why did we do what we did, why did we hurt you, why did we say those things, why did we mess around and such like. The pain remains raw and the fuel that flows from it is too good to resist.
- The Old Reliable
You know you should ignore us but you cannot. Those messages we send are like a nagging itch and you need to scratch so badly. Of course we know this and we regard you as a reliable source of hoover fuel. All we need to do is send a message and you will respond in some form or another, you cannot help yourself.
- The Contender
You want back in and you are going to prove to us how damn fine you are and what an a-hole we are for letting you go in the first place. You will tell us just how good you will be for us, what you will do and how we will never get anybody better than you as you do your utmost to convince us that you should come back into our arms. Even if we rebuff you, you will not give up because your desire to be our intimate partner is huge and so with it is the fuel that you provide.
- The Burning Oil Well
Your flow of fuel just cannot be shut off. Red Adair would never be able to snuff out the flames and cap the oil well. You are angry, seething, furious at the way you have been treated and you hate us. You absolutely hate us. Each time we reach out to you, you seize the opportunity to vent your anger at us, insulting us, labelling us and going on like some crazed harpy. You think it will upset us but you don’t understand the nature of fuel and whilst we may argue back it is all done to keep this blazing fuel flowing.
Do you recognise yourself in there at all?
9 thoughts on “Knowing the Narcissist : The Ten Types of Victim the Narcissist Hoovers”
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Mr. Tudor–
1. Can the same empath vary between these, depending on their level of emotional thinking?
2. Does the type of hoover impact the response more than the level of emotional thinking?
3. What’s the longest amount of time an empath (IPSS/IPPS) has stayed angry in response to your behavior toward them?
4. Do special traits play a role in the type of response that an empath typically has?
5. What role, if any, does school/cadre play in the type of response that is most common for an empath to have?
Thank you for your time. Much appreciated.
1. A victim can find themselves shifting between these based on their own susceptibility and the nature of the manipulations used.
2. Yes.
3. I do not recall.
4. Yes.
5. Too expansive for a blog comment.
Thank you, sir.
1. Are empaths more likely to have a heated anger or a cold anger?
2. Do different schools of narcissists prefer different displays of anger from empaths?
3. Do you personally have a preference between the way an empath displays their anger?
4. Do you personally seek a quicker jump to a heated anger response if cold anger occurs more readily for a person, be they empath/narcissist/narcissistic/normal?
Thank you so much for your time. Much appreciated.
1. Heated.
2. The demonstration is linked to fuel, therefore a demonstration which provides more fuel is preferred.
3. To my face.
4. The question does not make sense.
Do you think a narcissist keeping control of their heated fury is similar to an empath keeping control of their heated anger? I have a difficult time with keeping control of my responses because it either manifests in me yelling at him or me calmly explaining myself which provokes more shouting from him unless I come back later. Or I hold it in which is the worst case because then I become depressed. (Him being my significant other, do not know if he is a narcissist)
For example him complaining that I spend too much money when I buy anything for the house. I am extremely frugal and I even cut my own hair and do my own nails. I don’t go out to eat or honestly do anything fun. I don’t spend a lot of money. I bought a hand held steam cleaner to clean a dress that I borrowed from a friend for HIS cousin’s wedding. I didn’t even buy a dress for the wedding I borrowed it. So him saying that I spend too much money and that I am always having packages sent to the house triggered what could be seen as fury in me. It really just made me want to cry because I am so careful with the money I spent. The last package he spoke about was a book. I work hard and I should be allowed to buy things here and there.
I got a little side tracked but it hit a nerve and then I cried and screamed at him and got very angry.
No, there are different drivers involved in respect of fury and anger.
Thank you so much, sir.
My computer froze as I was sending you a reply here; I apologize if I double submit some of the same questions.
1. Have you ever been with an empath who had more cold anger?
2. If yes to 1, did you ever get a heated response?
Regarding demonstrations that provide more fuel…
3. For you personally…how do you balance the need for fuel and control when that fuel is challenge fuel accompanied by wounding criticisms?
4. If your IPPS is wounding and challenging you in private, providing huge amounts of fuel, do you have a preferred method of getting control? Direct or withdrawal?
5. If yes to four, what circumstances are most likely cause you to switch to the other?
6. If your IPPS is wounding and challenging you in public, providing huge amounts of fuel, do you have a preferred method of getting control? Direct, indirect, or withdrawal?
7. If yes to six, what circumstances are most likely cause you to switch to another?
Thank you so much for your time. I greatly appreciate it.
1. Yes.
2. Yes.
3. Challenge fuel cannot be a criticism that wounds.
4. Again you cannot provide huge amounts of fuel and wound at the same time.
5. N/A
6. See above.
7. N/A
Thank you, sir. Much appreciated.