Knowing the Narcissist : How Green Is Your Grass?
I attended a consultation with Dr E. The view from his consulting room looks over the gardens to the rear of the building in which his room is situated. It is a well-tended garden and is immaculate all year around. I have yet to see anyone working in it or any sign of someone working there. There are never any tools left lying around or piles of leaves gathered together waiting to be burned. The lawn is especially verdant. A lush,green carpet which is devoid of daisies and dandelions. It has been cut and rolled so it appears pristine.
“Now,” began Dr E from his seat across the room from me. I moved my eyes from the garden to the doctor.
“We had been discussing your thirst for fuel.”
I nodded.
“You explained to me about how you draw that from those nearest to you and at first this comes in a positive fashion through admiration and adoration.”
I nodded again.
“Unfortunately however this never seems to last and you need to then collect what we have established is negative fuel based on negative emotional responses from those around us.”
I gave another nod.
“From our discussions I understand you have an unquenchable thirst for this fuel. I understand that. Accordingly, since you must always gather this fuel you are going to obtain it in both positive and negative forms. I wondered whether today we might look at why it should not always come from a positive form. How does that sound to you?”
“By all means.”
“Good. Now, you have told me previously about the different way that people provide you with this positive fuel. It is based on praise, attention, love, adoration and admiration. The nature of the provider influences the quality of the effect it has for you and also the nature of the praise etc has an influence on the quality. Now I understand how you draw this positive fuel from numerous sources but let us focus on it all coming from just one source, the most obvious being that person you are in an intimate relationship with.”
I gave another nod.
“We all like praise. We all enjoy being liked. It matters more to some than others. People offer attention and praise when they choose but as we have discussed you find it necessary to behave in certain ways that causes this to be given as a matter of course and in some instances you actively manipulate a scenario in order to produce this adoration. You have told me how you do this repeatedly during a typical day. ”
I nodded once more and wondered when he was actually going to ask me something.
“So, my question is this, how might you ensure you get this positive fuel from just one person? How might you go about drawing it from one person and not needing to draw it from other sources. They may provide it voluntarily, that is fair enough, but I want you to focus on applying your manipulations to just one person to gather this positive fuel and leave the rest alone. How might you do that?”
“I don’t think that it can be done.”
Dr E remained silent as he used the void to encourage me to expand.
“I live in hope that someone might be able to satisfy me and give me this positive fuel all of the time.”
This time it was Dr E’s opportunity to nod.
“If they did it would make my life a lot easier. I would not have to seek the additional fuel from these other sources. You know, the lady in the coffee shop, people in the street, my colleagues and so on. The fact is I am not with the primary provider of my fuel all of the time.”
“I see. So you feel a need to be with them all of the time?”
“Well no I don’t and that is precisely because I am able to draw my fuel from other sources. If you denied me those secondary sources then I would be in trouble.”
“What would you do?” asked Dr E.
“Well, if the stipulation is that I am only allowed, for the purposes of this discussion, to draw my fuel from one source I would have to be with that source all of the time.”
“Because you need to draw on it frequently?”
“Precisely. No matter how much fuel say a girlfriend provides me in the morning I will need more and soon.”
“How soon?”
“A few hours, sometimes less.”
“Why?”
“Because if I don’t get it I feel weakened and then well you know, it starts to make itself known.”
“It being the creature?”
I nodded quickly.
“Very well. But if your primary source remains with you all of the time pumping out positive fuel you would not feel weak?”
“Yes but that isn’t practical is it? I have a job to do, she usually has one too. I have to go places where she won’t be there and I cannot be in constant contact on the telephone even when we are apart, however much I might try.”
“Sure, sure but I want to leave the practical to one side for now. I want to understand your mind set and attitude to this. I can then look at the practicalities later.”
“If you say so.”
“So if you could be with this one person, this intimate partner, this primary source of your positive fuel all of the time you would not feel weak because they are giving you the fuel you need. This would sustain you?” suggested Dr E.
“For a period of time.”
“I see. How long that would be?”
” I don’t know because it has never happened.”
“But you don’t feel it will last because you referred to it sustaining you for a period of time?”
“Yes.”
“Why do you say that? Could it not sustain your permanently, leaving aside the practicalities for now, but if that primary source is there all the time giving you praise, admiration, love and attention, won’t that be sufficient?”
“No.”
“You said that straight away. Why are you so sure?”
“Because in the past they have let me down.”
“Okay but this time the source is not going to go away, it is going to keep producing positive fuel just as you need.”
“It still won’t work.”
“Tell me why.”
I leant back in my chair and stretched.
“Where do I start? They stop trying. They do not give me the level of admiration I need. I don’t know why this is. It is not as if I stop being good to them. They always do this first. They don’t look at me the same way that they used to. That shining in their eyes has dulled. I have seen it happen and I don’t understand why. I am still the same, I still shower them with affection and make them feel wanted but they change. They don’t praise me as often as they once did,notwithstanding how often I tell them of my achievements. It’s them doctor, it as if they become bored of me but still want to be around me. I don’t get it. I don’t get it all. How can they be bored by someone like me. I hope they won’t do this but they do. That’s why I have to prepare my contingencies and have others waiting in the wings in anticipation of this happening. They make it happen. Not me. Experience has taught me that I have to have these reserves. Plus as well doctor there is so much fuel out there to be gathered and I know it wants to be supplied to me. A monk would be hard pressed to resist the lure of all this fuel. I am always wondering whether it will be sweeter and stronger than what I am getting already and guess what? When I go and get it I find out that it is. It is fresh and invigorating and it is all because the current supply is not doing what it should.”
Dr E was scribbling energetically as I turned back to the window and looked out into the garden again.
“You see the grass is always greener doctor and I have to go and lie on it.”
17 thoughts on “Knowing the Narcissist : How Green Is Your Grass?”
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1. I’m looking forward to that. *bounces happily*
2/3. Will some of the variables be explored/shared in the upcoming articles?
4. Do/did you usually keep your voice flat as well in these interactions with your therapists?
5. Have you ever had emotional responses during a therapy session that were not a performance?
6. When your voice goes from expressive to flat, is it typically a warning sign to whomever you’re dealing with?
7. What’s going on for you when you switch off expression? Cold fury? A threat to control?
8. Have you generally had a calm temperament throughout your life, including childhood/adolescence?
9. When you go from flat to expressive, is that something you could use as a ‘reward’ for someone coming back under control?
Thank you so much for your time. Much appreciated.
Possibly.
Not always.
No.
Yes.
Dropping the veneer.
Generally yes.
Interesting questions and answers regarding flat affect. I would not have thought it optional or selectively manipulated. Is this ability only possible with a greater or the ultra?
Correct.
Thank you HG.
Thank you so much for answering. I love reading them and mulling them over and learning more from you.
1. Not as many of the articles that are you with the therapists have been narrated as far as I found when searching…are they anything you plan to narrate at any point? Or are they treasure for those that migrate between your YouTube channel and the blog?
2. Do people you interact with in person (not over the internet) ever mention their reaction to you switching off inflections?
3. If you’re physically with your IPPS when you do this, what do you typically observe of their response if your words are directed at someone other than them?
4. Has anyone ever mirrored this back at you?
5. Do you ever “drop the veneer” after you’ve really worked your IPPS into an intense emotional state, maybe even to the point of them approaching supernova/cliff fightback?
6. If yes to 5, does this cause them further distress?
7. If yes to 6, what do you experience while behaving this way?
Thank you so much for your time. I greatly appreciate it.
1. Most likely they will be kept on the blog.
2. Occasionally.
3. Surprise.
4. No.
5. Yes.
6. Yes.
7. Power and amusement.
Thank you so much for answering.
1. Have your IPPSs/closest empath friends/empath family members ever asked you about your switching off the veneer?
2. If yes to 1, and they are painted white, is there a way you handle it? (Deflection? Denial? Is there a scripted response?)
3. If yes to 1, and they are painted black, is there a general way you handle it?
4. Do lower/midrange narcissists usually have strong reactions to your switching off tone/inflection with them?
5. After having done this, do you recall the moment sometime later to continue the game and get another rise out of your IPPS?
6. Do you ever recall the moment later and feign wanting to reconcile (a different kind of game) with your IPPS?
7. Which prime aims most influence your choice between the direction the game takes or is it more about your psychopathy at that point?
8. Is switching off during an argument with your IPPS more a demonstration of self-control or more about playing a game?
Thank you so much for your time. I really appreciate it.
1. Yes, although they do not refer to it as a veneer.
2. I explain they are mistaken and move on to something else.
3. I explain they are mistaken and make it clear that the subject is closed. A simple glare is sufficient.
4. Mid Range Narcissists sometimes respond with fear.
5. Not necessarily.
6. No.
7. Control and fuel.
8. Playing a game.
Thank you so much for answering.
1. Are empaths more apprehensive or more curious when asking you about ‘switching off?’
2. Has an empath ever tried to comfort you after witnessing this turning off, regardless of it being directed at them or someone else?
3. Do those who are ‘on your side’ in whatever the altercation is ever express appreciation for your ability to turn off emotion and get what you want (which might also benefit them)?
4. Has any primary or secondary source ever shown amusement at the responses that you get (e.g. someone seeing you frighten a mid-ranger)?
5. Does switching off assist you in convincing your IPPS that they are emotionally unstable (were you to ever want to do/have done that)?
6. Have any of your IPPSs/empath friends ever walked away from you once you decide to go flat affect on them? (Not leaving, but they stop engaging temporarily.)
7. Will you share some more stories about your interactions with your various therapists? They’re very interesting.
8. Do you find it more effective to use “switching off” during the sustained devaluation to generate actual events where your IPPS seems unhinged (half-truth) vs making it all up (no-where near the truth) to use when you begin smearing your soon-to-be former IPPS?
Thank you so much for your time. Much appreciated.
Mr. Tudor,
I know you don’t like to repeat yourself. I apologize if you’ve already explained this somewhere. I can’t seem to find it though. My question is regarding the terminology “dropping the veneer”. I know veneer means a thin covering so I can surmise that veneer is different than the facade. Is there an article, bulletin or video that explains the difference?
Veneer is one on one.
Facade is third party/ rest of the world facing.
Thank you for clearing up the difference between veneer and facade, Mr. Tudor.
Aren’t you lucky that you are not required to stick to this system in your drinking! If you were, you could drink nothing but Beaujolais Primeur, never the older vintages. And no more twelve(or more)-year-old whisky for you, either. It’s a great pity that you won’t allow yourself to taste the rich notes and potency of a finely aged bottle of Chateau Tudor Haut de Gamme IPPS fuel. On the bright side, my dear, at least you are not in the winemaking business.
Mr. Tudor–
You say here that you need more fuel within a few hours. You’ve said other places that you can be on your own for several days. Away from people, you would still have thought fuel (least potent fuel) which cannot sustain you long term.
1. Can you please describe the situations in which you have gone several days – a week without fuel? (Generally, not specifically.) i.e. Were you in a survival situation? Did you have a specific set of tasks that needed to be done to ensure your safety/your advancement through your career in a set amount of time?
2. Can a number of tasks in a fuel barren environment assist you in better dealing with the situation?
3. Does anything help sustain you if you are in a fuel barren environment and you begin to crave it?
4. Are you typically calm physically…in the sense…you don’t mention many gestures or facial expressions to accompany your words here or in a number of other situations with your therapists?
“By all means.”
“Because if I don’t get it I feel weakened and then well you know, it starts to make itself known.”
5. If yes to 4, is this related more to your narcissism in wanting to conserve your fuel (and not give Dr. E, a narcissist, fuel) or more related to your psychopathy?
6. Do you turn your expressiveness on and off…and if yes…is it about the level of response you anticipate from the expenditure?
7. Are greater narcissists more similar to you in this regard as opposed to the midrange/lesser?
“…Could it not sustain your permanently…”
8. Had you not explained fuel becoming stale to Dr. E at this point?
“I live in hope that someone might be able to satisfy me and give me this positive fuel all of the time.” — I hope you find/have found this person, HG.
Thank you so much for your time. Much appreciated, as always.
1. Will be addressed in a future article.
2. There are too many variables applicable to this situation to provide an answer.
3. As per 2.
4. Yes, unless I want to amuse myself by being animated with them so it causes a reaction.
5. It is because I am typically calm.
6. Yes.
7. Yes.
8. I do not recall.
A permanent restlessness