Psychopath : Ice Cold
As I walked through the wintry expanse, a certain detachment settled within me, shielding me from the biting cold and desolation around me. The landscape stretched out endlessly, its frozen architecture stretching far into the distance. The silence was almost palpable, broken only by the occasional crunch of my boots sinking into the deep layer of snow beneath. My breath clouded as I made my way across this stark white world. The sting of the cold on my face was welcome for there was no feeling within me, the emptiness loomed large and sensation of cold on my face enabled me to at least feel something. I knew the dead coldness resided within me, an iciness which meant that nobody was able to penetrate this permanently dread world. That was important to me, yet there came no feeling with that internal iciness which contrasted with the sensation of the sub-zero air against my face. Many sensations have been denied to me and therefore to experience the sharp, near painful assault on my exposed skin was something to cherish. The cold had always had this affect on me, even from when I was young. In a similar way to how I was fascinated by fire and its power, the executing exactness of bitter cold attracted me. Unlike the showmanship of the conflagration, it was silent, graceful and beautifully deadly.
The trees, stripped of their leaves, stood like gaunt sentinels, reaching towards the desolate sky. The air was still, and the emptiness of the world was magnified engulfing me in a serene isolation. I felt like an observer, navigating through a world completely separate from my own.
The wind began to howl, its mournful melody piercing through the air. It effortlessly swirled the snowflakes around me, creating an ethereal dance. But even as my footsteps resonated through the frozen silence, the scene barely registered any response within me. I could see it all, yet all I felt was the cold against my cheeks and nose. Long ago I had sought to feel on this occasion, but nothing arose on the long march, nothing save the embrace of the cold. I had to have that embrace, it belonged to me, it provided a foundation for focus.
I kept my gaze fixed on the frozen lake beyond, like a distant beacon pulling me forward. Its surface seemed solid and unyielding, a vast expanse of icy blue stretching towards the horizon. Though devoid of warmth, there was a certain allure to its frozen majesty. It represented an unforgiving power, a metaphorical embodiment of the detachment I felt within.
As I approached the shore, I couldn’t help but appreciate the intricate patterns in the ice. Streaks of deep blue intertwined with veins of pure white, resembling a mesmerizing work of art. I observed the cracks forming, spiderwebs etching their way across the surface, as if the ice itself were surrendering to the relentless grip of winter.
Despite the desolation surrounding me, I found a semblance of recognition in this stark, unforgiving environment. In its emptiness, I was free to wander, free to explore the depths of my own detachment. As I reached the edge of the frozen lake, a gust of wind swept across its surface, creating a shrill whistling sound that resonated within me and reminded me of a sound from long ago. I stood there for a moment, observing the returned stillness and the vast emptiness that lay before me. The world felt suspended, as if time itself had frozen along with the lake.
My purpose was clear, my determination unwavering, as I trudged onward towards the frozen heart of the lake, disconnected yet strangely content in this frozen wasteland. Each time I had to take these steps, the ice sometimes straining and groaning under the weight of my advance, on other occasions it remained utterly silent, its thickness easily able to accommodate my footsteps.
With each step onto the icy surface, my detachment seemed only to deepen. I pushed forward, driven by an unyielding sense of purpose that overshadowed any hint of emotions or sensations that this desolate landscape might evoke in others. The ice cracked beneath my weight, a fleeting reminder of the fragility of the world around me.
The wind continued its relentless assault, nipping at the exposed skin on my face, but I remained focussed. Now, the cold had become nothing more than a mere physical sensation, distant and unimportant as it fell second to the same thoughts that always dominated when I came to this place. My focus remained fixed on the destination ahead, the frozen expanse drawing me closer with an almost magnetic pull.
As I reached the center of the lake, I stood and waited, surrounded by a serene stillness. The vastness of the frozen sheet extended in all directions, as if it held the very essence of isolation within its icy embrace. The once vibrant, glistening water had now transformed into a solid mass, impenetrable and untouched. I waited to ascertain whether the ice would hold or whether there would be a sudden crack and then the sheeted ice would splinter and fracture, causing me to drop into the sub-zero waters beneath. Would this be the time where it would happen? Would this finally be the occasion where our union would be complete. I stamped a foot down hard on the ice, as if to goad it.
“Come on then,” I hissed, breath clouding, “ come one” I urged. I brought my boot down again and a white scuff mark was made on the surface, yet such was the thickness of the ice there would be no yielding. I laughed, titling my head back sneering at the cowardice of that beneath me as once again it failed to take me. It had once not been so recalcitrant.
Despite the numbing cold, I sensed an unusual beauty in this barren landscape. The absence of life and the absence of noise, save the wind, allowed me to exist outside the boundaries of human experience. I found companionship in the silence, recognition in the emptiness that mirrored the depths of my own detachment.
I remained, ice cold within, surrounded by the cold as once again the lake had shrunk from pulling me beneath its darkened waters.
I stood awhile, triumphant over its failure and then with gloved hand reached for my phone to complete the ritual within this place of loss.
Empty within and empty without.
Forever ice cold.
122 thoughts on “Psychopath : Ice Cold”
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How beautifully written…
I sadly have experienced romantic relationships with narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and narcissistic psychopaths.
Being with a narcissist is worse than anything else. Especially if they are not aware of being a narcissist. It is like torture.
I came to the conclusion that love is a trick of nature to make us reproduce. It can almost bring on a state of insanity where you will do the most ridiculous things to be with your partner. Sacrifice a job, career, your own life anything. It is like a rush. You will put up with things you normally never would….
Then it quickly ends, the rose tainted spectacles fall off. You can see what it really is. An illusion.
The only pure true love is that between someone and their child (If they are capable of that) or God. True altruistic unconditional love. That is the power which can overcome anything.
Does anyone know the knowing HG episode where HG talks about the lake?
What number please?
Part 8.
Thank you 😃
Hi Witch,
Part 9 has the cliff scene xx
Dear Mr Tudor,
Magnificent chilling piece !
Forever pushing boundaries without fear
Thank you
To continue the song estafette… This is what I imagine some of Sloane’s words to HG may be🌟
Call of Silence ✧🤍✧
https://youtu.be/LtOeDWYfTos?si=Q3p6wQFqUQ1mYfQu
HG:
1. At what age did you start your annual treks to the place described?
2. Do you always call the same person?
Very well written.
I love the whiteness and silence of frozen snow landscapes
and the dangers that can lay within them …
The song that came into my mind is a classic of the group “Foreigner” : Cold As Ice, and this lyric video is well done too:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BcId4_4vO4
And here is a song for relief and salvation: Cat Stevens’s “Into White” 🙂
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62V61PtoT7E
Isn’t it great to have the power to arouse emotions in people with words?
with sound and rythm and colors and immages?
And create dominions just with words…
Two songs come to mind when I read this.
Firstly this one
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7aShcmEksw
Secondly this one
I think, silence suits the described scenery better.
But if I had to depict this space, silence and emptiness, I would certainly choose this piece of music:
https://youtu.be/agFOmQwcRfI?si=fUKS62VtNUaTh7v2
Hi Jordyguin: No one wants him to die in an ice accident but there is this overwhelming fear for it to happen. Me? I get he is impulsive I’ve but not that impulsive. He would survive despite any impulsiveness. The key step would be to remain calm and get the head above water and pull yourself out. It’s risky but others have done it. Bear Grylls did it several times. Plus HG is knowledgeable enough to know by visual inspection, ice color and local knowledge. It’s still risky. But let’s assume he visits this place because he has a legacy to follow, see HG1-8, he does it because it’s beautiful and he likes it and to be alon sometimes, he is familiar with it and although a risk, he doesn’t believe he will die. Then these thoughts of suicide disappear. I for one do not think he has a suicidal bone in his body, he has been to far more dangerous places because of his job and taken far greater risks. Just read about his dalliance in a war torn country. I believe he takes calculated risks that ensure him and think this particular blog was a hommage to his ultimate goal and a mini break to a quiet beautiful space alone. But hey, that’s my take.
Hmmm…… This is a twin-piece to the Ice Cold article.
https://narcsite.com/2023/09/01/disengagement-the-victims-world/
HG’s psychopathy and HG’s n-construct require a win. So does his awareness and his essence. Are all these aspects separable? Not really…..or are they? Who knows… .Fascinating.
Does this mean that you’ve already completed your pilgrimage this winter, HG?
(I’m sorry… I can’t stop myself searching for clues.)
I can only hope the ice stays recalcitrant and that you will achieve what must be achieved. I highly doubt you will ever feel nothing though, but it may not be fury…
HG, can’t help but notice that the solution would be to leave that Creature where it belongs — on that goddamn lake.
But the construct’s chain of attachment would never allow that to happen. For some reason it’s stronger than the Ice.
Mr. Tudor–
I love the beautiful imagery in this piece. It’s a treat every time you add an entry to this series, sir. You have an enormous talent in being able to write such emotionally evocative pieces. The level of emotion you bring out is high, and it doesn’t reduce (at least for me) when revisited. I hope that you find what you’re seeking in this journey.
Thank you so much for all you do, Sir. Thank you for your time. Much appreciation.
Evanescence – “Like You”
HG nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
I just realized, via other comments, why you go and what happened.
I don’t regard your flirtation w/death as a heaven. I meant the empty winter and release from one’s human suit. You may regret your yearly provocation if the lake decides it’s ready for you… or not. Maybe you long for another entity (blame-shifting the lake) to free you from the shackles of this dimension. Maybe that would be your heaven, for a minute, but what if you’re just alone? What if there is no one and nothing, save the knowledge of that, before silent darkness subsumes you?
I know you know that you’re needed and wanted, and you will do as you will, anyway.
Some thoughts…
Perhaps HG returns there because it is a form of punishment which is used by his n-construct in order to keep him bound to the memory of this place.
Imagine going through the events he experienced at the lake and what Matrinarc did was basically say to him „You’ve let me down HG. As always“.
Psychopathy is a breath of fresh air with its emptiness compared to the constant threat-alert-mode of narcissism.
But as HG stated previously, the narcissism gets in the way of his psychopathy, basically guiding it and giving it direction. Narcissism leaves the door to the dungeon of the Creature always a bit open, so HG is always reminded of the abuse and injustices he was put through as a defenseless child.
The construct of how to protect himself, as demonstrated and taught by Matrinarc, was: being in control of the situation via abuse (manipulation, physical/mental/emotional violence).
Going back to the lake is perhaps a controlled form of reliving the past for the purposes of recharging the battery of the defense mechanism of the construct.
Going back to the lake serves as a catalyst in trying to resolve things in the way which works for HG.
This is how I interpret the pilgrimage to the lake and what guids it and is supposed to achieve.
It’s like his narcissism is Sisyphus, bound to push his trauma up the hill each year, or as you suggested, it’s a punishment. Each time I read about HG’s matrinarc I want to punch her. In her sick mind, she broke him down to make him “stronger”, a perfect weapon. So he’ll never even WANT to be himself with someone, just always playing a role. Always he puts a persona in between himself and everyone else. I know he’s fine with that but I think it’s fucked up.
It seems that HG’s psychopathy was able to “just be” in the winterscape and his narcissism could relax a bit, aside from the compulsion to test the ice. Yes I think his narcissism guides and weaponizes his psychopathy, and makes him extra compelled to control more than a pure psychopath would. It’s ironic that narcissism forms as a defense mechanism to keep the vulnerable child-self safe, but the Creature’s door being open means HG always has who he sees as this internal enemy (really his own self, so in a way he truly hates himself though he doesn’t feel that way), whose screams he has to drown with fuel. Also HG risking his life to reassert control over the traumatic event (or whatever the reason(s) means his defense mechanism is putting him in danger, not protecting him. It’s sad if going to the lake is his construct’s way of recharging itself. If that’s true and he keeps going each year, he’s keeping his trauma alive. There must be a way for HG to let the Creature rest with his sister. As you said in another comment, leave the construct at the lake! I don’t think he can. Maybe he doesn’t want to say goodbye to her forever…
why am I having thoughts and cries about a guy who would sell me to satan for one corn chip
don’t answer that
Candied🌼,
„HG always has who he sees as this internal enemy (really his own self..)“
His own self 👈That’s the most difficult moment to explain.
At that time there was no ’own self’. Children don’t have a concept of self at the beginning. They don’t categorise themself or what they do or feel as being good, bad, wrong or right. The adults do this for them by setting the bedrock to build a self on it.
So that ’self in development’ became a core-self which prompted narcissism to emerge and come up with ’it-self’ which needs the selfs of others and their Fuel in order to exist.
What are the ’selfs’ of others??…
Jordy,
I don’t know if I think a kid has no “own self”. Maybe it’s true. Yet I think HG has said he always knew he was different, so kids can know qualities they do or don’t have. Yes they aren’t so likely to feel they’re good, bad, disordered, normal until they’re told by other kids and adults. They may disagree, but know they’re seen a certain way. Even genius kids are still at the mercy of adults for a while.
I don’t know how old HG was when he lost his sister, but assume it was before 9 and part of the LOCE that triggered narcissism to rise.
Maybe I’m deluded in thinking there is an inherent self (the creature, so narcs are perpetual children in a way) under the narcissism, but I don’t know what to do with his psychopathy. I once asked HG if his true self is a psychopath, or if psychopathy is also a defense mechanism. Either he disliked the question, or he never saw it. I’d still like to know.
I guess anyone’s “self” is a mix of nature and nurture, imo. A collection of our experiences and reactions to the bedrocks on which we form.
HG gets a long straw and drinks the milkshakes of our personalities and lives. Have you seen the film There Will Be Blood? 🌼
Hi Candied Pansy and Jordyguin,
I’m sorry if I’m intruding here, but I wanted to answer Candied Pansy’s question about HG. Xx
HG has said, that psychopathy was something he was born with, the narcissium was made later, so the answer is, he was born a psychopath. Psychopathy is part of the ‘real’ HG. Xx
Thank you Rebecca! 🙂 No intrusion at all, no apology needed! I personally don’t feel any conversation I have here is “private”.
Candied🌼, There Will Be Blood trailer scared the sh*te out of me! Can see it must be a fantastic piece!!! Daniel Day-Lewis is ’focus in action’! Character traits perfectionist, if he happens to be one of HG’s kind..?
Re: „own self“. Sure, we must first establish the definition of what each of us mean when we refer to „own self“.
You wrote: „I guess anyone’s “self” is a mix of nature and nurture, imo. A collection of our experiences and reactions to the bedrocks on which we form.“
I agree with this definition… I don’t know exactly how much freedom we actually have in developing a self of our own in order to have differing experiences and reactions if we are taught to be little mirrors of others, no matter who they are. And what externals continue to implement into our developing sense of self then and now..? Does the “self” ever stop to develop and change?
I see little children closer to what I think a genuine self is and with time there is a replacement or an add on to that self, externally, which is a taught construct of a self which existed thousand times before in others…
… throwing aaam… corn kernels at the wall…
Jordy, I’m not sure on Daniel Day Lewis being a narc but I’m 99% sure his character is in There Will Be Blood. I recommend it. It is true we’re taught to mirror others (do unto others as you would have them do unto you) but the world would be a different place if we all did that thoroughly. I think we have a natural core set of qualities (I would be timid even with mild parents and HG would be a psychopath still) but externals can change their strengths and add other qualities too. Ahh, hinting that we all put forth false selves after childhood! Yes to a point. I don’t yell “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO GO AT SOME POINT” to someone on their phone at a green traffic light. You could say I use a false self that keeps quiet. hahahaha corn kernels. Spaghetti needs a respite period! My dad called someone a chubby corn chucker the other day. Also reminds me of Allie Brosh’s comics on depression.
Yeah… the good ole corn kernels😏
Rebeccaaaa, come to us! We do corn pasta and Daniel Day-Lewis binge watch!
Lol Candied, green traffic light – facade..!!!
Also try out the Obi-Wan Kenobi method: You can stop looking for those droids. You can go about your business. (And do the hand gesture.) It’s fun☺️
Jordy, HG didn’t say that the narcissism gets in the way of his psychopathy. He said that a mental health professional said that to him, but not Dr. E or Dr. O. I understand that HG rejected that idea. I don’t remember where that thread is that that was said.
That is correct.
Regarding the idea: “Your narcissism gets in the way of your psychopathy.” You were quite firm in correcting this statement on that other thread.
1. Does that idea that something hinders your efficiency offend your sense of control?
2. Was your rejection of that idea immediate or did you give the idea more consideration?
Side observation and question:
Your memory for details is astonishing. E.g. All the times that you are asked your favorite food. You maintain (generally) that it is empath, but you have changed the method of preparation, roasted, toasted, and grilled have all been mentioned as I remember. You’ve also recalled all descriptors at one point when asked yet again about your favorite food.
3. Have you always had a memory like this or was your memory something that improved as part of some sort of training you went through?
Thank you so much for your time! Much appreciated. Hope all is well in your world.
1. Yes.
2. I listened to what she had to say.
3. I have always had an excellent memory when it decides it requires me to recall something.
Thank you, sir. Much appreciated.
Dani, oh yes I’m aware of this response and this is where it gets a little bit tricky. Narcissism MUST reject that idea. (That it gets in the way of Psychopathy).
I agree with the doctors for now. Due to what I see, what is presented or is visible to me.
The collaboration of narcissism and psychopathy is not even.
Only ONE is in control… There is no double throne. Even if it appears as an even reign of powers.
I will find out why.
Jordy–
You can agree with the doctor who told HG that, but what you said is,
“But as HG stated previously, the narcissism gets in the way of his psychopathy, basically guiding it and giving it direction.” Your phrasing indicates that statement being HG’s opinion and statement, which is incorrect.
“The collaboration of narcissism and psychopathy is not even.” — HG has not said they are. He has said psychopathy is dominant in him. https://narcsite.com/2015/09/29/questioning-me/comment-page-6/#comment-440181 There are a number of other questions that get answered there, all very interesting.
Of course Dani, you are accurate! See my replies from
December 4, 2023 at 08:51
December 4, 2023 at 10:05
HG mentioned it the very first time (not on the Questioning feed, but somewhere else) and there was just a statement about it and no rejection. Thus I took it as a statement from HG and as if he would agree with that doctor. I doubt we would find it now. I looked on some feeds where I thought it was, but it’s somewhere else.
I am less rational and logical than you, dear Dani, and you are far more detailed with remembering such things, which is awesome!
Thank you for pointing the inaccuracies out. It is very important!💕
Dani, re: narcissism vs psychopathy.
I found some evidence (blog/books) of why I think that there is an unevenness of both parts. Maybe it comes from my focus on balance and that’s why I spotted it or believe to have spotted it. It surprised me how well it presented itself (at least to me) and I was once more impressed by HG’s ability to convey it. Maybe it was just presented from the standpoint of a possibility and is not a constant.
HG’s aim is to present us with accurate information in order to assist us in our understanding about narcissism and psychopathy. Maybe that is the part of the teaching in how psychopathy indeed is more dominant than narcissism, or that they don’t exclude one another at all. I can’t tell for sure. Maybe an error on my part in what I assumed I discovered there.
However, I enjoy researching it. We’ll see.
Jordyguin, I completely agree with you re “Narcissism MUST reject that idea”. I have given this a lot of thought over the last months, not only in relation to this particular issue, but also in relation to several other statements and responses where I believe this is evident. I would love to discuss this further with you in the KHG private forum. I have studied the KHG series and the forum for several months, and I’m eager to post my contributions there. I’m just awaiting a response from HG to an important question/discovery before I can start posting.
Hello Nordic Noira, nice to meet you! Can’t wait to read about what you have discovered and what your thoughts are! I’ll check the private forum and stay updated, whenever you’re ready to post!
*agree with mental health professional for now
HI Jordy!
I hadn’t seen your responses when I sent my above response. But we found the same post!
Hope all is going well for you.
HG wrote that he was told that narcissism gets in the way of his psychopathy and that’s it. He didn’t say that he rejects this assessment. Unless I missed the response where he explicitly said that he rejected or disagreed with this idea.
HG, Dani, found it! Dani, you’re correct!😋😘
Contagious says:March 21, 2023 at 08:43
Does that mean your psychopathic need for goals achieved outweighs your need for fuel? Can one outdo the other?
HG Tudor says:March 21, 2023 at 10:21
Yes. Within my hybrid, my psychopathy is more dominant than my narcissism.
Asp Emp says:March 21, 2023 at 11:41
HG, thank you for confirming that.
Would this be the case for all narcissistic psychopaths?
HG Tudor says:March 29, 2023 at 19:391.
No.
A Victor says:March 21, 2023 at 19:22
So your psychopathy is in control ultimately though it is kept in check by the narcissism. That is interesting.
HG Tudor says:March 28, 2023 at 09:58
No, I didn’t state that.
WhoCares says:March 28, 2023 at 10:50
HG – Is it more a case of the psychopathy and narcissism combining in certain ways where they, effectively, enhance each other?
HG Tudor says:March 29, 2023 at 17:24
I suspect I would dispose of more people were it not for my narcissism.
Rebecca says:March 25, 2023 at 00:58
HG,I think your psychopathy being dominate plays a part in you being so aware and your strong attention to detail works together, so you can better analyze people and yourself. Am I right? Xx
HG Tudor says:March 25, 2023 at 08:43
Yes.
Joa says:March 25, 2023 at 19:05
HG:
1. When you compare yourself in your early youth and now – did narcissistic traits prevail over psychopathic ones then?
2. In narcissistic psychopaths, do psychopathic traits increase and narcissistic ones decrease with age?
HG Tudor says:March 29, 2023 at 17:29
No.
No.
Dani says:March 28, 2023 at 11:59
Mr. Tudor,
1. Do I recall correctly your saying that one of your therapists said to you that they thought your narcissism kept your psychopathy in check?
2. Regarding your observations of those who are the psychopath/greater narcissist hybrid…is there usually one that is dominant to the other?
3. In the cases of greater narcissists with both where one personality is dominant, what are your observations about the effectiveness of those where the narcissism is dominant vs those where the psychopathy is dominant?
HG Tudor says:March 29, 2023 at 16:30
1. You do not.
2. Yes.
3. Too detailed to provide in a comment.
A Victor says:March 28, 2023 at 13:46
HG, I apologize, you did not state that your psychopathy was kept in check by your narcissism. I remembered incorrectly, I thought you had said somewhere that one of the good doctors had suggested this.
HG Tudor says:March 28, 2023 at 14:04
No, AV, a separate psychologist said my narcissism got in the way of my psychopathy.
A Victor says:March 29, 2023 at 16:50
Hi HG,
Asked with fear of sounding a little daft, would you explain the difference between your narcissism keeping your psychopathy in check and your narcissism getting in the way of your psychopathy? I see they are different but wondering how it works exactly, and if it’s typical for narc/psychopath’s generally or specific to you.
HG Tudor says:March 29, 2023 at 17:04
I never stated that my narcissism keeps my psychopathy in check, therefore there is nothing to explain.
It was suggested that my narcissism “gets in the way” of my psychopathy because I am hyper focussed and goal driven by my psychopathy, the relevant psychologist formed the view that the requirement for fuel, i.e. getting a response from people, had the potential to distract from my hyper focus. I rejected that suggestion.
I don’t think the narcissism would “get in the way” of psychopathy because if you’re both you’ll be both at the same time.
It’s more so that there is a greater risk that the delusional aspects of the narcissism could potentially lead to unfavourable outcomes, like stamping on that frozen lake one day and falling in. But this could be a combination of the psychopathic lack of fear and the grandiosity of the narcissism which makes HG willing to take this risk
Witch (there you are🥰)
Let’s think positive:
Climate activists: The ice is melting!!!
The Lake and the Ice: Pfft! Not on my shift!
Hi Witch, your explanation of the stomping on the icy lake was my thinking also. And going a step further, if it did break, the grandiosity believes he could somehow save himself anyway.
I hope it never breaks.
HG, brilliant doesn’t begin to describe what you have written. I can’t help to think how tragic it also is, not just for your sister, but for yourself and also the ones here that appreciate and respect you. I don’t want to think about that ice not holding you. I don’t want to imagine what would have happened to all of the people you have helped, if in the past, that ice would not have held you? The future does not look good without you in it HG. I know that there is not a single person alive that could stop you from making that trek every year. Perhaps there is one that is not with us anymore that could at least stop you from going out on that ice? I know the answer to that question.
Take care HG, and thank you. Xx
Thank you FM1T
Dear HG,
It scares me to think of the ice breaking…I don’t want to imagine it…how horrible, without you, no…I just can’t imagine it.. I feel the cold and the bleakness, and I just want to pull you off the ice. You’re important, what you do is important, please don’t risk yourself…xx
Hi Rebecca: I think my question was specific: was his psychopathic need to achieve a goal dominant over his narcissistic needs? Ie control, fuel, character traits and residual benefits. And he said “ yes.” So his legacy comes before all. HG also said he might have “ bumped off more people but for his narcissism.” A dead person doesn’t give much fuel but a person can get in the way of a goal. Joking or not, it appears HG is goal oriented above all things. I could see why the doctors would think that gets in his way. But knowing HGfrom his education and especially his less need for fuels as an ultra, to get to his goals he will go over or under or sideways if the direct way doesn’t work which is why HIS narcissism does not get in the way. In fact, a psychopaths disdain for rules, regulations and laws , risk taking, lack of fear, impulsivity and need to alleviate boredom could be a greater barrier to his goals… my humble thoughts. So much to learn. HG has more to teach on psychopathy and their “ classes” and “ cadres” and differences as I know being married to a wealthy ASPD he is not HG nor are the many psychopaths who end up in jail for things like theft or drug sales etc…and HG does not seem blood thirsty like a Ted Bundy. So I await to learn more from the ultra master on psychopathy. I feel like we are just tipping the ice berg on this subject. My notebook is open and pen in hand.
Hi Contagious,
I’m intrigued by the psychopathy series and I’m excited about learning more on the subject, especially about HG and how his psychopathy dances around his narcissium and seems to coexist with it. I find HG’s mind the most fascinating and most attractive…I just keep wanting to know more. I’m looking forward to my knowledge growing. Xx
Hi Contagious,
The way I see HG is, he’s very analogical minded, very fact of the matter, no nonesense, get the job done quickly and correctly, very calm, calculating and smooth as a well oiled machine….so effortlessly done, so admirable to see and watch. He’s nothing like Ted Bundy, HG is smarter than that. He’s calculating and smooth as ice. A type of person I wouldn’t want to go against, but definitely would want on my side. Thankfully I’m on HG’s “good” side, because I wouldn’t sleep at night, if I wasn’t. Xx
I feel like a throw back in time with you HG… ending my day sitting by a radio and a fire to hear Orson Wells. Your blog is informative on the subject matter, the best! But your storytelling is even better! I look forward to your book. I tried to preorder it. I have read 80 books this year and I know yours will be read in a day, a can’t put down novel:)
Thank you Contagious.
Dear HG,
I’m very happy for you getting 200k subscribers on your channel! I hope you did a lot of celebrating in Vegas and enjoyed yourself! Congratulations HG! You deserve it! Xx
Contagious,
You look forward to his book and you tried to pre-order it??? What book? I must’ve missed something.
Hi Leigh: Lost Boy or close to that title!
Little Boy Lost, Contagious.🥰
Oh ok. I knew about that one. I didn’t know it was imminent though.
Leigh and Contagious,
I’m looking forward to, ‘LOST BOY’ , too! I’m very interested in learning more about HG. Xx
HG, this would be a great beginning for a detective novel set in Greenland. With you as a detective. Or an autobiography. Maybe some day. You are a prolific writer, yet you have such range — from specific practical advice to evocative poetic descriptions. Most of the content created for the internet is so poorly written, that your work stands in contrast. And then of course, there is your content.
Thank you, ISMW.
Dear HG, This is so eloquently written, so evocative of emotion, and so tragic. I’m grateful the ice did not yield this year, or any year. I’m so sad for your original and immense loss. I wish there were a way to change the outcome of the events of that day. I know there is not, and that you would view my feelings as superfluous. Regardless, my heart goes out to you and her, for then and now. My beliefs differ from yours. I do not believe you are soulless. I believe you will reunite. And I am certain you will be effective in all your plans to address/redress the events of the past. Thank you for sharing with us your experience of this annual pilgrimage.
Thank you FYC.
I’m with you FYC. I don’t believe he’s soulless either. I do believe his ‘best friend’ has convinced him that he is, and unfortunately that friend is running the show…
Hello Nordic Noira,
Welcome to the blog, and my apologies if I have missed your comments in the past.
I would guess it is his psychopathy that causes him to believe he has no soul as psychopaths experience emptiness due to differences in brain structure.
If “his friend” is a euphemism for his narcissism, I don’t believe it runs the show per se. I would suggest it provides support for his way of life. The narcissistic defense is adopted in early life as a means of survival. But I wholeheartedly agree with you, HG has a soul. It need not be felt to exist.
Hello FYC, no need to apologise. My personal circumstances led me to find HG on YouTube (after kissing a number of YouTube frogs) and then further to the blog and the KHG series/forum, which I have indulged in for months now. I believe this is only my third comment on the blog.
From what I’ve learned from HG’s work, both psychopaths and narcissists experience emptiness, but I might be wrong about this. I guess you could say my perception of HG’s modus operandi has parallels to the way I experience my empathy in some ways (as crazy as it sounds). My behaviour on a day-to-day basis is primarily that of a standard empath (50%), but I will tap into my contagion empath qualities (27%) and my super empath qualities (23%) when the situation calls for it – it is not random. In the same way, I see HG’s day-to-day behaviour as primarily governed by his narcissism, but he will pull out his psychopathy whenever it is needed (complete lack of fear, less need for fuel etc).
The above is of course only based on my observations of the more personal videos, articles and comments he has published. I know from the forum that you have done comprehensive research into psychopathy, and I definitely still need to learn a lot more about this subject. I do however find it interesting that more recent research seem to find that psychopathy is formed in a similar way to narcissim (genetic predisposition + LOCE) – as opposed to earlier research.
As for “…HG has a soul. It need not be felt to exist” – I couldn’t agree more.
Hello Nordic Noira,
I hope your personal circumstances are now under your control and you are doing well. Most of us discovered HG out of a need to understand.
I have not done any primary research on psychopathy. I have only read extant research in order to understand. Research on APD and NPD varies by field, such as psychology, neurology genetic and epigentic, biology and behavioral sciences.
I think it is important we do not overlay our experience as empaths onto people with cluster B orientations. Our orientation, actions and motivations come from a different place.
Psychopaths are fairly well studied, though certainly not completely. These studies are more scientifically approached versus a more opinion-based approach to narcissism. With psychopathy, the fMRI studies clearly show that psychopath brains are differently structured. If you wish to know studies, I would be happy to supply links but wish to be mindful of HG’s time in moderation as he has to read the links for approval.
Narcissism is both genetically predisposed and the genes are ignited (epigenetics) by the experience in environment. It is believed that the concept of true self (everyone has one) originates at birth and is nurtured by mirroring of the caregiver. Everyone also has a false self. The false self is created to cope with social expectations among other reasons. When a child, ages 0-3, is met with abuse or neglect, invalidation or shaming, it fundamentally changes the childs acceptance/non-acceptance of true self, and the ego defense of narcissism begins to come to the rescue as a means of survival. At this age, a child is entirely dependent upon their caregiver for survival, thus perceived threats create significant disruption. As a child continues to develop, neurologically and emotionally, the NPD defense affords great defense. Not only does it ensure their view is they do not lack or need another, they are superior. It is a wholesale rejection and subjugation of the true self (sadly, as their true self is very valuable). It is, at a most basic level, a denial and repression of emotional needs because those needs were unmet or shamed or abused or avoided.
A psychopath, regardless of environment is greatly impacted by their different brain structure. This can be viewed as both positive and negative. Before I read about psychopathy I had a general sense that it meant dangerous people that serial killers or otherwise demonstrated criminal, abhorrent behavior. However, while dangerous is a fair characterization, there are many productive/successful psychopaths in the world, most in fields that afford control (CEOs, politicians, doctors, legal profession, etc.).
A psychopath experiences both emptiness and resulting boredom or possibly depression. While the same can be said of narcissists, I believe, based on others’ descriptions, that it is not quite the same although I do not know with certainty. NPD and APD are on a spectrum of behaviors as HG so brilliantly depicts in his many analyses. I have not found any other sources, scientific or popular, that come close.
While I partially agree that APD and NPD have similar origins, I do believe their experiences and their behaviors are quite different and their motivations differ. I would tend to agree with those commenters who see the APD as present at birth and the NPD as evolving.
This is difficult to write about in so few words. It is multi-layered and complex. Not at all given to simple definitions or understanding. I hope this was somewhat helpful.
The atmosphere of this text reminds me of the lonely walks of Hans Castorp from “The Magic Mountain” by Thomas Mann. Once one of my most beloved books.
—–
Hmmm… full of contradictions. A grown man, boasting perfect precision, cold logic, cultivating self-satisfaction – stamps his foot and laughs triumphantly to himself in the middle of a frozen lake.
—–
“He laughs, who laughs last” – one thing is certain, the time will come, when this union will become complete.
—–
I do not let.
Hi Joa, very interesting comment. I had a thought, HG doesn’t experience fear so I don’t see it as a contradiction, only a challenge to the lake/ice. And once again, HG won.
Hi AV,
I read it as a challenge and it feels like an assertion of control over the events that occurred there, too. (I’ve not accessed enough of “Knowing HG” to know the story of the lake yet.)
Hi Dani, I agree with your assessment.
Hi AV,
HG doesn’t experience fear, but i sure do and it scares me thinking of HG on the ice like that…it would takes minutes to die from the cold water temperature….just sends me into an almost panic thinking about it! I have to push it out of my mind, don’t think about it, don’t think about it. Xx
Hi Rebecca, I am sorry it affected you this way. I believe HG knows what he is doing, whether the ice holds or doesn’t, I believe he will be okay.
Thanks AV xx
AV, I didn’t mean fear or lack thereof.
Risking your life, just like that, is not courage, but stupidity and selfishness – it arouses my strong opposition.
What I meant, was that it is not logical for a person working on his legacy to risk his life halfway through the task.
It seems that:
a) the cold logic of the machine is more a wish than a truth, and HG gives in to his urges, like any human being (for me, on the plus; HG immediately seems more “human”, such gaps in the seemingly impenetrable armor also give room for maneuver in the relationship with him),
b) legacy, is an unspecified mirage or fragment of a facade,
c) none of the above is true, and annual pilgrimages are a cold and calculated form of control over many devices – for some, fear for him, causing anxiety; for others, admiration for the depth of his hidden quasi-experiences; for still others, a malicious reminder/violation of their facade, etc., etc.
d) HG just likes to stay and relax in this place, and the rest of the story is literary fiction,
e) HG warms himself with the fuel of thoughts, imagining panic, terror, tears of loved ones who have been searching for his body drifting under the ice for months. Additional fuel of thoughts is to disappear like a ghost from the blog and other platforms.
f) it is a good ending to the story of one’s own life – engaging many people in search and reflection (e.g. my father’s death was spectacular, memorable + embarrassing for my mother – I have not heard of anyone else, who killed themselves in such a way or there is silence about such matters ),
g) …
h) …
i) and many others, that we have no idea about.
A challenge to the lake? Hmmm… It seems as logical as my longing for such a profile of people…
—–
But I admit, the text is well constructed and hits the right notes in me (as well as in other people gathered here, which is visible in the comments).
HG is a very good writer, and he knows it very well. I admire HG’s patience with details. A rich choice of words is a sign of quality in itself. Although in this particular text there is a bit too much of the word “emptiness” and its variants – less emphasis would be enough.
And in the entire “Psychopath” series, I always smile, when I read HG’s characteristic word: “tapestry” (in almost every text).
Yes, everyone has favorite words, that they overuse, including me 🙂
Joa says, “Annual pilgrimages are a cold and calculated form of control over many devices.” I had that same thought.
You also say, “What I meant, was that it is not logical for a person working on his legacy to risk his life halfway through the task.” I also considered that and thought to myself, Mr. Tudor doesn’t do anything illogical.
With those two thoughts in mind, that’s why I asked what purpose does it serve to go back to the lake every year.
I can’t help but think that Mr. Tudor is using a previous event to assert control and receive fuel in the present. Even telling his appliances here on the blog about this pilgrimage will show him there is an overall concern for him which means his appliances are under control. Plus he gets some fuel from all the oohs and aahhs.
Thank you for sharing that, Joa.
Hi Leigh,
I agree. It’s most likely that even if what HG described in the article was true at one point (he did the lake bit at least once), it doesn’t mean he does every year. Our fuel shows him we’re under control, as you said. It’s why I have yet to pony up for Knowing HG. What if it’s horseshit?
His narcissism is satisfied and his psychopathy is entertained. Win win.
It reminds me of a song “Power and Control” by a singer named Marina. Now I think “fuel and control”.
I wanted to think part of him grieves/cares in a way, but it’s unlikely.
Solitary pilgrimages sound very “romantic”, sentimental, indicate a high level of intelligence and depth of human.
It’s a pity, that we don’t know who HG is calling/texting while standing in the middle of a frozen lake. Mother? Sister? Brother? Another IPPS? The phone number of someone dead, who will never answer?
It is also unknown whether, when writing about complete union, HG has his sister in mind (I rather reject it, it’s fiction) or death (a real prospect).
I think it may be both in one tangled image. It is easier to “control” death and the fear of death, giving it a warmer form, or imagining that someone close to us has already paved the way and is waiting for us there.
Hi Joa,
I think the answer to who Mr. Tudor is calling from the lake may be in the Knowing HG series.
As for the comment about their union being complete, I assumed that was a further manipulation to get a reaction from his appliances. “No HG, we don’t want that union to ever be complete.”
CP says,
“His narcissism is satisfied and his psychopathy is entertained. Win win.”
You summed that up very nicely, CP.
Hello Candied Pansy,
It is important to remember that assertions of control happen in the now. The pilgrimage and Knowing HG are not calculated acts used to deceive or provoke. The fuel HG receives here is minuscule and inconsequential. For those of us who have had the good fortune to purchase a majority of HG’s work, it is clear that it is not “horsesh*t” nor a broad attempt to control readers. The pilgrimage pays homage to the precious one lost (a part of him and apart from him), and reinforces the fury towards those that wronged him and fuels his greater purpose to be entirely effective in the acts yet to be. I strongly recommend all of HG’s works, and most certainly the Knowing HG series. It vividly exposes so many aspects of his life and experience. If you wish to know the truth you must seek it. Wishing you the best in your discoveries.
Hello FYC,
Mr. Tudor has said on a several occasions that everything a narcissist says and does is a manipulation, even in the Golden Period. Why would this pilgrimage be different? Why would writing this article be different?
I agree that the fuel he gets here is minuscule and inconsequential. What about the fuel from his mother, siblings and IPPS from going and talking about this pilgrimage?
Is a narcissistic psychopath genuinely capable of paying homage to someone? I’m struggling to see how its an homage to the precious one lost for Mr. Tudor.
I’m extremely grateful to what Mr. Tudor has taught me. He’s given me a key to understanding a piece of human behavior. Its a wonderful gift. I have to see him for what he really is though otherwise it muddies the waters for me. I can see myself quickly falling down that rabbit hole and then making excuses for my daughter’s behavior, a confirmed narcissist by Mr. Tudor. It has to be black or white for me because its the only way that works.
I know your comment was directed at CP but I had similar thoughts to her so I wanted to address your comment as well. I hope that was ok.
Hello Leigh,
I understand your concerns both here and how this might relate to your situation with your daughter. I know you are grateful for the learning obtained here. I will attempt to explain further.
Technically, not everything a narcissist does is a manipulation, but could be used in a manipulative way if fuel or control could be obtained. But I believe one must apply logic to the motivation for the manipulation–especially when it comes to HG, the Ultra.
What is his impetus for the pilgrimage? Who is the target? Does the target have active access to KTN? Why would a narcissistic psychopath make a pilgrimage? What does HG have to gain in manipulating his readers? Do you believe KTN rules are manipulation?
I believe the impetus for the pilgrimage is personal and significant. It is not so much sentimental for the person lost, it is for the outrageous loss of what is truly his. A part of him. Apart from him. She belonged to him. From his perspective, that event on the lake was one of, if not the, greatest threats to his control. Adding insult to injury, other Ns/APDs in the family used the series of events to blame HG and deflect any responsibility from themselves to him as a means of gaining control, fuel and managing façade. A price must be paid. Control must be obtained.
I do not believe HG is attempting to provoke or control his readers by writing this piece. It may give him a bit of thought fuel for the plans he has in store for the future. Readers must read Knowing HG to gain much better understanding. I cannot share details that are not mine to share. What I can say is that this is not a sentimental journey.
It is very important that we do not allow our empathetic emotions to cloud our judgment by employing emotional thinking. I still struggle with this at times as it is my natural inclination to employ empathy *from my perspective*. But after years of KTN learning and dedicated research beyond this site, I do finally see things differently (even if sometimes delayed). I see and feel what is at hand, yet I may actively still choose to employ empathy if and when I feel it is appropriate. All people deserve this as long as it does not cloud our reason and logic.
I hope this helps. If there is something specific I can address that is not in KHG, I would be happy to explain further. I wish you and your daughter the best. I have familial Ns and it is difficult to navigate these relationships at best.
Thank you for your explanation, FYC. I do appreciate your thoughts.
I, myself don’t have the whole series. There’s a lot nervousness on my part. By seeing Mr. Tudor as a child in a vulnerable state, my thoughts of him may change. That’s my biggest concern. Right now I see him as a narcissistic psychopath who manipulates and its the only way I’m capable of seeing him right now. Is my ET high? Most definitely. Am I overthinking it? Maybe. But for now, that’s the best I can do.
Hello again, FYC,
I thought about a couple of other points that I wanted to share. I hope that’s ok.
Yes, I know that technically not every action by a narcissist is a manipulation. For instance, if Mr. Tudor is alone and makes himself a cup of tea, its not a manipulation. If he’s with his IPPS and he makes her a cup of tea also, it’s a benign manipulation. If he’s with his IPPS and she asks for a cup of tea and he doesn’t make it for her, its a malign manipulation.
If the pilgrimage to the lake and walking on the lake was not a manipulation, then the minute he pulled out his phone, it became a manipulation. What I don’t know is was that a malign or benign manipulation.
Do I think the pilgrimage is a calculated action to provoke a reaction? Yes, to whoever is on the other end of that phone call. I don’t know if telling his readers about the pilgrimage is done to provoke. What I do know is this, even if the fuel he receives from us is miniscule, its all good fuel and he’ll take it.
I do agree that his control was threatened by the events on that lake. I said that in an earlier comment to CP.
Do I think the rules of KTN are a manipulation? Probably. But its Mr. Tudor’s website and he can do what he wishes.
Quite honestly, I think the whole site is a manipulation. Albeit a benign manipulation, nonetheless, still a manipulation. With that said, I don’t care because I still get something out of it too. Quid Pro Quo.
I’m trying to remove feelings and think about this logically. If I’m missing something, please feel free to share. I’m here to learn and grow.
Hi Leigh,
I understand. I hope as you continue to learn, you will feel more at ease and be able to rein in emotional thinking. It truly is an ongoing challenge. I wish you and your family the very best. I can’t help but see all sides. I am grateful I am able to now. I have empathy for HG. I believe we are all complex people and are all here for a reason.
Hi Leigh,
Always say what you wish. I would guess the call is a prelude to what will come to pass. Perhaps a provocation. One moment in the now in a sequence of well planned events that will at some point deliver the mother of all malign manipulations. When you feel ready, please do read all of KHG. It’s important.
Thank you, FYC. I’ve been thinking about purchasing it more often lately. Often, Mr. Tudor’s other material took precedence. Then the longer I was here the more I was nervous about seeing this side of Mr. Tudor. I know its important and its definitely something I’m considering. Thank you for your input.
Joa and Leigh. HG uses his phone, yes. But phones are definitely multi purpose tools nowadays.
Hi Joa,
To me it is not logical to challenge the ice. But HG thinks in a way very different from me, so who knows. It was just a thought I had. I think in actuality, any of your suggestions could be just as likely.
Hey Joa,
“within my context” H.G. is probably THE most excellent representative of “THE HIGHEST” (of a certain facet of God) which causes his disappearing at times bc of it’s untraceability. “Is he being AWARE of that?” depends… but I presume if he was to choose he’d rather say “I AM GOD” than “GOD IS BEING ME”… correct H.G.?
Mr. Tudor,
This is an intriguing article. I’m curious, why do you go back to the lake every year? What purpose does it serve?
You can read and listen further to get that answer Leigh.
Mr. Tudor,
Thank you for your reply.
Can you point me in the right direction? Which articles and videos should be I reading and listening to in order to understand the purpose of going back to the lake each year?
See Knowing HG.
Hi Leigh,
More info is available in the Knowing HG Series in the KV xx
Thank you, Rebecca.
I’ll have to check it out and see if it answers my questions. I’m definitely missing a piece somewhere. I know what happened at the lake. I just don’t understand that since Mr Tudor is a narcissistic psychopath whose devoid of emotion, what purpose does it serve to go back and revisit it.
He has the negative (to us) emotions towards those he feels responsible. This might fuel his focus and resolve in dealing with that?
Hi Leigh,
It’s explained in the Knowing HG Series. I’m thinking about purchasing the script version, with special, extra notes, because I want to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Xx
I don’t know as much as you guys do and haven’t seen Knowing HG, but I don’t think HG is free of emotion, or that he doesn’t do anything illogical/ emotional/ potentially self-sabotaging. He may not have all our emotions, and his may be different to ours, but for example fury is an emotion (also why do some men think fury or anger isn’t emotional). He also sneered (contempt) at the lake’s “weakness” at not taking him. Is contempt not an emotion when HG has it?
HG may disagree but he’s a trauma victim. The Creature is a traumatized child and he’s stuck in the middle of HG’s icy core, like the devil in dante’s inferno. Yet the Creature still has a say in ways, because HG can’t or won’t let him out. Whatever emotions the Creature has, HG still has them too. Just because he dehumanizes and scapegoats his inner child doesn’t mean it’s not him.
I’ve heard of sexual assault victims reenacting their trauma in a way, consenting to have certain kinds of sex akin to their assaults but they control it. I wonder if HG is doing something similar, reenacting a trauma to control it?
How many of us endure narcs because we had narc parents and it’s “normal”, living different versions of our parents’ relationships or ours with them?
or maybe it’s just a low-key death wish (take me from the boredom) and not that deep… idk I’m throwing spaghetti at a wall
Hi CP,
I don’t have the whole KHG series either. I understand what happened at the lake though from other conversations on the blog.
Mr. Tudor has said that he doesn’t concern himself with the past because their is no point because what’s done is done. He also has said that everything he says and does is a manipulation and those manipulations are done to serve his purposes. We may benefit from the things he does but they’re not done for us, they’re done for him.
So now I wonder, what benefit does Mr. Tudor get from revisiting the lake each year? He doesn’t mourn or grieve. Your comment about reenacting the trauma to control it, got me thinking. What if by sharing his trek with us, he’s indirectly asserting control to minimize the wounding this traumatic event may have caused?
I’m throwing spaghetti at the wall too. Maybe some will stick???
Lol, Candied🌼
Throwing spaghetti on myself ― Dinner is ready, Master.
Once, I played a scene where I had to smash a spaghetti plate against the wall. We never rehearsed with actual spaghetti on a plate and used an empty paper plate instead. During the performance I was so on fire and grabbed the plate at the speed of light — as the trick when the blanket is pulled away from under the dishes — but in my case it was spaghetti which remained on the table and the empty plate flew against the wall. Ah! Heaven! Improvisation with the remaining spaghetti followed, yes.
The moral of the story — if the unwanted parts of the Creature could be pulled away under HG and HG remained…yea!
In case you’ve missed it, here is more about the Creature, after the beautiful, beautiful music, there is an Introduction to the Creature
https://www.youtube.com/live/8jGr5kFd4Qc?si=uZLzBvY8tbPQAb3E
I’m putting my foot down at the spread of violence against spaghetti.
Absolutely. I demand the immediate abolition of the practice of thrusting them on the kitchen wall to see if they are cooked al dente. No more unnecessary abuse!
Candied Pansy,
You’re talking about spaghetti and now the meatball song is playing in my head. 😄…..it’s rolling off the table and onto the floor, right down the hallway and right out the door….xx
Hi Leigh,
HG isn’t devoid of emotions, HG just doesn’t experience all emotions, like fear,worry, happiness, contentment. He mentions this in some of his videos and some of his books.
Hi NA,
You’re right in what you’re thinking, but I don’t think I can say more, as it’s covered in Knowing HG Series and I wouldn’t want to give away what other’s have paid to find out. Xx
Hi Candied Pansy,
I can only tell you from my own experience…I had a narc mother, I have the addiction, the imprinting, the conditioning and I feel more accepting, morr familiar with the empath and narc dynamic, it’s what I know, what I’m used to and almost feels like breathing to me. As an empath, I understand this about myself and I struggle with it. Both narcs, most of them anyway, and empaths are trauma survivors and the trauma does impact their life, whether they want to admit it or not. I belive you’te both accurate and insighful with your analysis. I hope you purchase the Knowing HG Series and you’ll understand even more. Xx
Hi Rebecca & CP,
I don’t know if my message went through or not. I just got a weird message that said, “Invalid Security Code” so I apologize if this is a duplicate.
Yes, I know Mr. Tudor has emotions. I misspoke. I meant to say that he’s devoid of emotional empathy.
Hi Rebecca,
I have no doubt you understand the empath/narc dynamic as it’s been so much of your life and its foundation. It’s sad most narcs and empaths are trauma survivors. Yay, thank you for finding what I said accurate and insightful. Haha sometimes I read certain posts and get upset at HG, not that he cares! Maybe someday for Knowing HG. 😊
Also Hi Leigh, there’s no “reply” option to your comments. It’s possible that he’s indirectly asserting control over the lake to minimize wounding from the event. “Stupid lake cowers at your Glorious Ultra, again! I am in no way affected by it at all, ever (lie).” He pretends it’s a sugar, lol. I think A Victor mentioned HG challenging the lake. Sorry I thought you meant HG is devoid of emotion. I should have known you meant he’s devoid of emotional empathy. Maybe he devalues the lake? Joa raised interesting possibilities of the realities of the story. It’s a challenge to reconcile “I don’t care about the past” with this yearly trip. He may not consciously mourn, but is wounding not pain at loss of something or someone you felt was yours or should have been? IDK.
Spaghetti got me hungry. HG I’d like to know what’s sticking!
*puts 2 slices of toasted garlic bread on each side of HG’s head*
me @ HG: “What are you?”
HG @ me: “A cluster B sandwich.”
IYKYK.
Hi CP,
Thank you for alerting me to Joa’s comment. I had missed it. I agree with much of what she said and I responded to her comment directly. In order to avoid repetition, please see my comment to her.
Hi Leigh and Candied Pansy,
I hope this message goes through. I was having issue with my messages yesterday…anyway, I understand what you mean Leigh, sometimes I mean to add more to a comment and I get wrapped up in another point and step over another point, in my mind and so it doesn’t get included in the discussion. I’m left with having to write another message to add another point. 😄xx I understand what you mean, no worries. Xx
Candied Pansy,
You’re on the right track, keep looking forward, connecting the dots and learning here. It’s what I’m doing. Xx 😀
Hi Rebecca
I was having issues with my comments going through also. Something weird was going on.
I know what you mean. Sometimes I can lose focus too and go off on a tangent. That’s exactly what happened in my comment when I said HG is devoid of emotions. I lost focus and didn’t finish writing my thought. Lol! It happens to the best of us!
Thank-you for sharing this. I enjoyed the personification of the lake.
Lakes do have personalities.
It’s difficult to put together the words to express my admiration for you. Writing that this piece is devastatingly lovely doesn’t begin to cover my reaction.
Thank you.
“I waited to ascertain whether the ice would hold or whether there would be a sudden crack and then the sheeted ice would splinter and fracture, causing me to drop into the sub-zero waters beneath. Would this be the time where it would happen? Would this finally be the occasion where our union would be complete. I stamped a foot down hard on the ice, as if to goad it.”
I dreaded that. You may not mind if the ice grows a pair, but we would. ♡
Is your internal emptiness akin to a perpetual alexithymia and/or dysthymia? For other reasons, I crave the cold, clean, and calm. I enjoyed this immersion into a heaven, thank you.
No.
good Lord, I figured I’d hallucinated my comment and given up on it.
thank you for answering. I envy that your emptiness is peaceful.
tell me to go to sleep
if no one else says it (or if they do, idc) thank you for answering comments even if it takes a while. I’m sure most of us creep back into old conversations and go “yay he answered” without getting notifications (wordpress is a flaky mistress like hope)
…An oath remains intact until it is fulfilled or its spell broken…
“I sensed an unusual beauty… the absence of life and the absence of noise… to exist outside the boundaries of human experience…”
✧ In appreciation and awe of the forces which created you!
Thank you for this insight!
Thank you for sharing more about your deeply personal journey of ice and snow, HG. I’m glad the lake didn’t take you and continues to fail year after year. You are wanted and needed here. No matter what you were told, you don’t deserve to experience that fate.
You are welcome MB.
Also, for a brief moment my mind started singing “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…”
Pathetic fallacy and fallacy of pathos. Brilliant.