7 Sayings on Cessation
1. After everything that I have done for you.
How can you leave me after everything that I have done for you? I gave you the world and now you have thrown back in my face. I of course only gave you everything because I wanted something from you. I did not give you my all because I loved you. I gave you so much because I wanted everything from you and I was so close to taking everything from you. Now that you are trying to escape me, you are suggesting that I have failed and that I am not brilliant nor magnificent and I cannot stand for that to be the case. I want to blackmail you into staying. All that I gave you were not gifts, they were bribes and now it is time for you to earn them, so you had better damn well stay.
2. But we belong together.
We do belong together because I own you. I bought you with my false affection and dishonest love. I attached you to me and bound you in chains that are long and thick and you dare try to cast off those shackles. I do not know where you end and I begin. You thought that was romantic the first time I told it you but I was actually telling you a rare truth. You and I are one because you are subsumed into what I am, I consume you, I envelope you and I control you. You cannot walk away from me now because we are too enmeshed, too attached and too conjoined. You are tearing me in half. There is no you. You gave that up when you allowed yourself to be drawn towards me and bound so tight to me that you became part of me. What has been joined together can now not be undone.
3. I will die without you.
You cannot leave me because if you do you shall surely tear my poor heart from out of me. That is suitably dramatic and is designed to pull on your heartstrings even though I am telling you that this is how brutal and heartless you are in trying to end our relationship. I cannot allow this to happen because I have not finished my seduction of your replacement and if you go now you will take away my precious fuel before the new source has come online. This will leave me panicked, chaotic and driven into a frenzy in order to gather fuel from other sources, if I am able to that is. If I cannot I will no longer exist and it is all because of your selfish, wicked behaviour. How can you cut me down like this? How can you slay me in such a callous fashion? Heartless harpy, seditious slattern and callous crone that you are.
4. I cannot help what I do.
You cannot leave me just because of what I have done and what I have not done. How is that fair? I thought you were a fair person, open-minded and caring, are you not? I doubt it now as you are intent from getting away from me and all because of the way I have treated you. Look I am sorry, really I am, but I cannot help it. You make me that way with the things that you do. No, I am not trying to push the blame on to you, I am explaining it to you if you would at least listen to me. How can I explain that it is just something that happens when you are walking away from me? I never intended for it to happen you know, it just happens and you should be the one apologising to me because you make me lose my temper with your control and the games you play,you are doing it now you fucking bitch, I hate you, do you hear me? I hate you. It is your fault. Not mine. I can’t help it.
5. Why do you want to spoil everything?
I really do not understand you at times. I mean, what do you have to complain about? We live in a beautiful house, you have an expensive car, a platinum Amex and I let you do whatever you want but still it is never enough is it? Yes, I know I sometimes i have to lay down the law but if I didn’t you would spend us out of existence. Do you know how hard I have had to work to build all of this? It doesn’t just spring up overnight and I did it for us. You have used me. I welcome you into my life and this is how you repay me by spoiling our idyllic life. You would be nothing without me, do you know that? You have a fantastic life, all provided by me, there are hundreds of other women who would give their right arm to be with someone like me and you are going to throw it all away and leave. I knew there was something not right with you, you need help,you are insane. Ask anyone and they will agree with me.
6. Who will help me now?
You cannot leave me, who else is going to help me? I have kept you here under figurative lock and key, a virtual prisoner in your own home because not only do I need you to fuel me but I need you to mother me. That was the agreement when we got together. I would feed you false love and fraudulent gratitude and in return you would cook for me, clean this house, wash my clothes, cut my toenails and wash my hair. You would wait on me hand and foot and be at my beck and call. I cannot do all of these things on my own and I haven’t got the energy to find someone at such notice with you leaving. You are such an awful person, to leave me like this, especially when I am ill. Who on earth does that to someone? You should think of others and not just yourself you selfish cow.
7. Don’t go, I will change. I promise.
You really are going to go aren’t you? Good Lord, I didn’t see that coming. I thought you were good for another six months of abuse and mistreatment before you somehow plucked up the courage to try and escape me. I don’t like to admit it but you have caught me out and now I am concerned, I can feel the control slipping away from me and I have to get it back, I have to stop you. A crack around the face has worked in the past but something in your eyes tells me that even giving you a good hiding won’t stop you going, even if you have to crawl out of that front door. I know, I will throw myself on your mercy. You will like that. You have always been trying to save me, well here is your chance. I will change. I will get help. Just please do not go. Of course I mean it. I will do anything to stop you going and taking my precious fuel away from me and making me look a fool in front of all my adoring admirers. I cannot have that happen so yes, I will get some treatment, I know I have done wrong and this time, more than ever, I will change. I swear it on the lives of anyone who springs to mind so it seems like I really mean it. Of course I don’t, why should I change? The only thing that will change is my primary source of fuel but that is not ready yet so you need to stay. Please. I will change. Don’t go.
4 thoughts on “7 Sayings on Cessation”
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I’ve heard all of these sayings and they’re meant to work on my feelings of guilt and obligation and my tendency to worry about the other person….and worry, worry, worry..
Hi Rebecca,
It’s funny what works on different people. Down to our own empathic mix I suppose.
‘After everything I have done for you’ is the stand out for me. That would keep me in place more than anything else a narc could dream up. Not if it was expressly stated, that would get my back up, but if it was subtly suggested. The other phrases would be less impactful for me personally, mostly because once I have made the decision to go, I have already considered those and realised that I can’t win, can’t save, can’t help. ‘We belong together’ would work least. I’d see that as a weak play.
Owing gets me though. I don’t like to owe. At all. First to the bar and I don’t keep score. To owe someone money would eat me up. I’d have to show up next day to pay the money back! It doesn’t overly bother me if people owe me, or don’t pay their fair share (I’m not materialistic in that sense) but if it’s the other way round I can’t stand it. I really can’t stand it.
I dealt with online narc far longer than necessary because of this sense of emotional owing. I wish I knew when a debt was paid. I don’t think I do really. Now I have to repay emotional debts by going the extra mile, overpaying then making a conscious deal with myself that says, “You are definitely even now, free to leave when you choose. Beyond this point anything you do give, you give because you choose to, not because you owe.”
It never sits particularly well with me, but it’s the best I can do with myself. I also make a conscious decision not to owe others emotional debts. I’d rather go it alone than owe. I subscribe to the ‘Deal with it’ school of thought.
I do understand where the dislike of owing comes from. My mum is emotionally transactional so I was raised on it. I’ll always do right by her, even though she doesn’t deserve it, I don’t love her and I’m not interested in her. I will do it in part because of the sense of owing but I’ll do it mostly out of respect for my dad. I know what he will want or would want at the point he is no longer around. I owe it to him to behave as he would want as regards my mum and it will be done to the letter.
I often say that guilt is the real killer and I truly believe it sits alongside this compulsion not to owe anyone anything. Double whammy. For me there’s also a pride and a defensive element to it too though I think.
Xx
Rebecca, when you have ‘escaped’ from your current home environment, you may find it easier to deal with the work environment better than at present and, thus, reduce the speed & the number of cogs of ‘worry’ ? I understand how difficult it can be when there are a number of narcissists in your life at the same time, even more so when the narcissists are within the different ‘spheres’ of your life. You will reach where you need to be as you are working on it to achieve your aims despite the obstacles that get in your way. Keep going forward xx
My ex husband was aSPD. I found out he was cheating. We lived in a 10,000 square foot home by the beach with maids, Nannie’s, Rolls Royce’s, Mercedes, traveled well etc… he stood at the table to discuss the divorce I wanted. He asked me as he pointed to our luxuries, “ What more could a woman want?” My reply was easy “ Honesty, truth, fidelity, love, kindness, compassion.” He knew I was a Christian too. He lied about being one to marry me and have children with me. “Life is short, eternity is long” , I said. I doubt I will ever have that life style. But I have not one single regret about leaving. I lived in an area where there was a mom club. Women who married famous directors, financial titans, celebrities etc… none of their money was self made, and to turn your head was routine. A Faustian bargain. I recall one saying she putcondoms in her husbands suitcase when he traveled. ALL were insecure. They would do anything to keep their position. I didn’t understand it and I didn’t fit in. Thank God! There was a privileged preschool that lead to a privileged private school that lead to a privileged private high school then to USC or Ivy League. That was their worry. If there toddler didn’t pass the exam for the privileged private preschool then the trajectory might be thwarted and the pressure was on them. I wanted to ask “ what are the crayons better?” It was beyond logic and disgustingly petty. My children went to the local church preschool not even my denomination. It was close to home.