9 Ways the Narcissist Lacks Accountability

 

 

 

All narcissists lack accountability, genuine accountability, why? Accountability is a restraint. It is a fetter upon our actions. By being held to account that impinges upon our control, it is a threat to our control. We must not be accountable. You are not permitted to ask us to account for where we have been, what we have been doing, who we have been seeing, why did we say what we said, what did we mean when we said that, why have we been missing for so long, who were we with, who was that person we were talking to, what are you doing on your phone?

 

All of these questions that you pose as a result of the attempt to make us accountable, to cause us to explain our conduct and action amount to an affront to our need for control. Accordingly, the narcissist must act without accountability. Certain narcissists, of course, give the appearance of accountability, turning up to perform a job, turning up on time to an appointment, but that’s only done because it serves the narcissist´s aims. The narcissist who effectively decided to turn up  punctually to an event assists in the narcissist projecting a façade of decency. It also means that the narcissist is able to assert control by not being asked where have you been, in effect it prevents certain threats to control from manifesting. It enables the narcissists to appear that they are engaged and interested in the relevant function or event and therefore, the demonstration of a parent showing accountability only occurs as a consequence of the narcissism selecting that, in pursuit of the Prime Aims of control, fuel, character traits and residual benefits. More usually, of course, the narcissist will present with repeated examples of an absence of accountability. All done, in order to ensure that the narcissist can continue to assert control and act with that sense of entitlement and throw off the shackles of attempted accountability, explanation, and accountability, with regard to you or other people.

 

What do these absences of accountability look like? How do they manifest? What do you know to look for? To think, ah ha, this repeated behavior is an absence of accountability and in the circumstances I may well then be dealing with a narcisisst. There are lots of examples, but I’m going to provide you with nine of the most common.

 

1. The Telling of Lies.

Remember a lesser or mid-range narcissist tells a lie but it is their truth because of the way that their mind works. The way that the narcissism functions in order to compel and make the narcissist believe what they’re saying so they say it with conviction. The greater and the ultra will tell lies and know that they’re telling lies but simply do not care and find it amusing. The telling of a lie of course that you identify as a lie from your perspective that you see is an untruth, a misrepresentation, an omission of what has occurred, is an absence of accountability on the part of the narcissist. By not telling you the truth, the narcissist is looking to escape accountability, by staying away from having to account for their behavior to you. Why did you break the window? I didn’t do it. The narcissist says, and as an unaware narcissist says it with a full conviction that it wasn’t them, adopting the position of Shaggy when caught on the bathroom floor, declaring it wasn’t me. The denial is the first line of the twin lines of the narcissistic defense and is issued with conviction. It’s a lie, but it is done to escape that accountability.

 

2. Not Providing Help.

The narcissist will only provide you with help if the narcissism deems that is appropriate and this is usually seen during the Golden Period or subsequent respite periods. Beyond that, why would the narcissist bother helping you? Because there is no sense of accountability. Having to help you means that our efforts, our resources are being channeled towards you when they could be better used elsewhere and therefore often the narcissist will lack accountability by not providing you with any help. Not looking after you when you’re unwell, not carrying out domestic chores, failing to look after the children, not coming with you to help with the shopping, for example.

 

3. The Provision of Transactional Help.

The narcissist actually does supply the help, but there has to be something in it for the narcissist. As you know, we have no emotional empathy. What that means is there is no altruistic behaviour on the part of the narcissist. There is no such thing as an altruistic narcissist. A narcissist may do something for you if there’s something in it for the narcissist. Thus,  the narcissism causes the narcissist to believe that by, for instance, getting some sex or being paid means, yeah, I’ll help you out. Of course, the sex is a residual benefit, the enjoyment of it taking place and it allows the provision of fuel and the assertion of control. The receipt of money for chopping up fire wood for you where ordinarily this should just be done free and willingly because you’re in a relationship with us. That transactional basis means the narcissist receives a residual benefit of money, also receives your fuel and the assertion of  control over you because you want the narcissist to do it. Accoridngly,  in some instances, help is provided but it’s always on a transactional basis. That is a lack of accountability.

 

4. The Shirking of Work

This is seen more usually with your Lower Lesser, Middle Lesser, possibly Upper Lesser Type A, narcissist. Lower Mid-Range also, and occasionally with Middle Mid-Range, whereby basically they shirk work. Either in its entirety, by not having any gainful employment or an occupation, meaning that they rely upon you to fund the household and indeed fund them also, or they work, but they do the bare minimum, leaving it to everybody else to pick up the slack because they are not accountable.

By having to work, that suggests accountability and it is a restraint and fetter upon the behaviour of the narcissist. Accordingly, the narcissism will cause certain narcissists to shirk work, either in its entirety or partially.

 

 

5. Your Relationship With the Narcissist Is Not Given Any Definition

Commonly, you’ll be wondering, are we dating? Are we in a relationship? Are we boyfriend and girlfriend? What’s going on? Am I just a sidepiece or am I actually seeing you? Am I just a booty call? Often you’re left with that confusion as to your position. Are we actually friends or am I just an acquaintance with this person? And it’s common for narcissists  not to give definition to the relationship, and this is a manifestation of the absence of accountability. The narcissist is not being accountable to the relationship by giving it a proper definition to help you understand what  footing you’re actually on, because the narcissist isn’t really invested in it, save to the extent that it suits the narcissist´s purposes. Consequently, you´re left scratching your head as to the actual status. Therefore, where you find that you’re dealing with someone who you suspect is a narcissist and they won’t give any actual definition to the nature of the relationship that you have with them. That is a manifestation of an absence of accountability.

 

6. An Absence of Manners

Some narcissists have little or no manners and this is usually seen with Lower Lesser, Middle Lesser, Upper Lesser Type B and Lower Mid Range  Those narcissists that operate with facades have the capacity to exhibit manufactured politeness and manners, With certain narcissists however there is no please, no thank you. They walk into a house and invited, take food off somebody’s plate with out asking and this is a lack of accountability for the behaviour, not sharing a proper dynamic between the narcissist and the person that they’re engaging with. The assumption that it was all right, because driven by that sense of entitlement, they have no accountability for their behaviors. Borrowing things and never returning them, assuming it was okay to borrow something without seeking permission in the first place. An absence of manners when it comes to the day-to-day interaction with people is an absence of accountability, prevalent with certain types of narcissist.

 

7.  The Failure to Repay

Some narcissists commonly borrow money from other people and then do nothing in terms of repaying it. That demonstrates a lack of accountability towards that person, the absence of emotional empathy by failing to return to them, something that was owed to them. It demonstrates asset appropriation, which is also a boundary violation. It demonstrates that sense of entitlement to treat that money as if it’s their own, and with no accountability for ever making its repayment. Sometimes there will be a stated intention to make repayment, but the narcissist will protest “I’m a little bit short at the moment, I’ll pay you next week” , or “my bonus is due next month, I’ll pay you then” . But you’re fobbed off with excuse, after excuse, because the accountability of repayment of course impinges upon the notion of control.

 

8. The Cancellation of Dates or Visits

This is often, at short notice or with no notice at all. Typically, this manifests in you have made an arrangement with the individual and they don’t appear. This is because the narcissist has no accountability towards you in terms of being there at the right time. It demonstrates that sense of entitlement for the narcissist to do as they please, being accountable and turning up at the appropriate place at the relevant time is a restraint upon the narcissist and will only be complied with if the narcissism deems that it’s appropriate. Often the narcissist engaged in doing something else and you’re forgotten about and therefore that lack of accountability manifests by the narcissist not turning up, or ahead of time, cancelling it, often because they perceive a better offer have been received and then narcissists go towards it. They don’t feel a sense of obligation they should attend the event having already said that they would do so. Demonstrating the narcissist´s conditional asterisk, the individual concern says,” oh yes I’ll be there” but then in the next breath could say yes to somebody else and then cancel the date or the visit or the event with you. That demonstrates that absence of accountability. They feel no sense of obligation. We feel that it is not appropriate for us to be shackled in this way.

 

9.  Never Apologises

Some narcissists regularly roll out false contrition by saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” but there are others, notably, Lesser narcissists who never apologize. This can also be witnessed amongst the Greaters. No apology is ever issued. Why? Why should there be in apology issued to you? The narcissist does no wrong. Or even where the narcissist is a Greater and recognises that you perceived their behaviour as amounting to a wrong, then there’s an entitlement to treat you that way and you are, but a mere minion. You are to be expected to deal with the situation, even if that causes a problem for you. You got in the way, essentially, it’s your fault. The absence of apologies demonstrates a lack of accountability towards you, a lack of a sense of obligation, a lack of commitment to the status of the relationship between you and the narcissist. The narcissist is not obligated to apologize because an apology even where it’s false contrition, smacks of being beholden to you in some way and thus affects the notion of control.

 

These are nine ways that the narcissist lacks accountability. If you witness them in the behaviour of an individual on a repeated basis, you may well be dealing with a narcissist who must pathologically reject any form of accountability.