How The Narcissist Uses Delay Against You
When the narcissist, albeit you will not have recognized that that is what that person is, first enters your life, they will act with undue haste. Where you have met, for instance, the narcissist at a function, within 15 minutes, they’re already declaring that it feels like they’ve known you all their life. Flattery. revision of history. And they declare you now to be best friends and start making plans for you to do other things together post the event that you’ve attended at. Some people may experience a degree of discomfort at somebody describing themselves as being so close to somebody they’ve only just met. But many people, as a consequence of politeness, will just smile and indeed may even find it flattering to be described in such terms and welcome the attention, particularly where the narcissist might be a successful, charismatic, interesting individual. The narcissist may identify somebody where they’re giving a speech and gaze into the eyes of that individual, making them seem that they are the center of the room. The narcissist may single them out for discussion, to take a question from them, to go and talk to them afterwards. Again, drawing that person rather into the narcissist’s world. Doing so promptly and swiftly.
Commonly, of course. there is the love bombing, whereby, in an intimate scenario, the narcissist looks to cement the relationship with the victim. With all due haste, spending lots of time together very soon, ringing up and talking for hours, sending lots of messages, turning on the charm and the flattery, the buying of gifts, so that you find yourself subjected to the splitscreek of seduction. You come to realize that as a consequence of the pursuit of the prime aims to control you and draw fuel from you, to access your character traits and residual benefits, the narcissist does so with undue haste as a consequence of a sense of entitlement, a lack of boundary recognition, no sense of accountability. The narcissist cannot let the relationship develop organically. The narcissist must lay their hands on those prime aims as quickly as possible. Yet, Whereas at the outset of the relationship, during the seduction phase, matters move at pace, later the narcissist takes on a far slower approach and utilises delay in many different ways against you. First of all, that delay might manifest by virtue of not getting around to things that have been promised. For instance, the narcissist may talk much about wanting to marry you, but is rather dilatory in relation to actually taking some steps to getting around to propose to you, or that you became engaged within the drop of a hat, but then no steps have been taken to organize a wedding, despite you repeatedly prompting. What you’re subjected to there is the delay of future faking, which is a common manipulation that is utilized by a narcissist to control you in the now, by using the future.
By talking about living together, but never actually moving in. By talking about becoming married, but not actually taking any steps to organize a wedding. By talking about going on holiday together, but never booking it. The narcissist utilizes a benign future event to make you feel special. so that you respond in demonstrating that you’re under control and with fuel, and quite possibly providing some other form of residual benefit. Thus, because the narcissist has got what they need in that moment, there’s no need to deliver. Thus, the wedding, the holiday, the living together becomes delayed. You might press for it, which of course is a threat to the narcissist’s control, and the narcissist will deflect. I’ll get round to it. It will happen, believe me. I’ve just got some things to sort out. And yet, you’re delayed again. Are they not sincere? Well, when the narcissist said that they wanted to marry you, the unaware narcissist meant it. They have to. The narcissism makes them think in such ways in order to be compelling. But whether they actually deliver is another matter, and often they do not do so, because it’s so common with the narcissist. If a narcissist can get what they require by talking about it rather than doing it, then that’s as far as it goes. And your eventual nuptials, that holiday in the sun, the moving in together, whatever it might be, is delayed.
The narcissist often uses delay against you with regard to their very appearance, keeping you hanging around, waiting for them. This is because the world revolves around the narcissist, and you are just a bit part player in the world of the narcissist. The narcissist’s time is important, woe betide you if you turn up late, but the narcissist’s amble along when it suits them, because they’re focused on what they need to do. I commonly give the example of where you’ve agreed to meet the narcissist in the pub at 7pm. You turn up a couple of minutes before, the narcissist isn’t there. You buy a drink and sit down. It gets to five past the hour and they haven’t appeared, so you send them a text message. Hi, I’m in the pub, where are you? At that point in time, the narcissist is still in the office, and he’s preoccupied because he’s talking to Annie No -Knickers, the new secretary that’s joined. His narcissism needs to assert control over her because she’s on the radar, because she stood at the end of his desk talking to him. You don’t exist. You are forgotten about. Then when your text message arrives, you’re on the radar and you must be controlled. So the narcissist immediately tells you, be there with you in a few minutes, just wrapping a few things up. You reply, okay, see you soon, demonstrating that you are under control. And then the narcissist forgets about you. You don’t exist. The issue of control has been achieved, and you no longer matter. Therefore, the narcissist becomes focused on Annie No-Knickers again, chatting her up, flirting with her, enjoying the proximate fuel that she is providing.
You wait a few more minutes. The narcissist still hasn’t turned up. It’s now quarter past the hour. Where are you? I’m still waiting, you send by way of text message. You once again come up on the narcissist’s radar. You’re threatening the need for control. Sorry, responds the narcissist with false contrition. Got delayed. Had to speak to the boss. I’m leaving now. It’s a lie. But it’s meant in the moment for the purposes of nullifying your threat to control. Control has been obtained over you. You respond with another… I’ll get a drink for you, thus demonstrating that you’re under control. You are forgotten about, and the narcissist’s back focused on Annie No -Knickers. It is only when it gets to 25 past the hour and that your patience has become worn thin that you write, where are you? If you don’t come now, I’m going. At that juncture, that sufficient threat to control is such that the narcissist can’t send you another message trying to cause you to remain in situ. and must respond, I’m coming now, please don’t go. And at that juncture, the narcissism decides that it’s time to place the non -intimate secondary source, that is the new secretary, on the shelf and instead come and see you. You’ve experienced a delay. Why? Because the narcissist was focused on somebody else, another appliance in the fuel matrix. Because you didn’t matter as much as that person because you weren’t proximate. Thus you are subjected to a delay. Because the narcissist has no sense of accountability.
The narcissist has that sense of entitlement to do what they want. And you are second best. You have to wait. Delay is also occasioned in relation to processes. where you have experienced perhaps divorce from the narcissist, the transfer of property, the return of property, perhaps dealing with financial provision or child custody, you may well have got involved in the litigation process with the narcissist. The litigation process where you’re trying to compel the narcissist to do something is naturally a threat to the narcissist’s control. And in the circumstances, the narcissist will dig their heels in, drag their heels, and will not often provide information, documentation, or respond in a timely and appropriate fashion. This is because doing so enables the narcissist to nullify and reject the threat to control posed by your actions. It means that it will frustrate you, often causing you to respond, expressing your exasperation, which of course provides fuel for the narcissist. The narcissist does not, where they’re unaware, decide, I’m going to drag this process out, but rather, in each moment, does so, because the demand that you, for instance, file documentation, or rather, that there is an order compelling the narcissist to file documentation at a particular time is a threat to control, and the simplest way to reject that is not to comply with it. The narcissist does not do so. Thus, the threat to control posed by the court and you is nullified in that moment.
You might contact the narcissist, say, where is your documentation? You provide fuel. It’s also a threat to control because you’re questioning the narcissist, and you’ll be given some cock and bull story about how the cat ate it, or there was a sudden flood and it’s not available, or they went up in a hot air balloon and forgot about the deadline. The fact is, the narcissist will use delay against you again and again and again. It’ll be combined with some future faking. I just need a bit more time. The documentation will be with you next week. You don’t need to take it back to court. ” OK, you think. I’ll be reasonable. I’ll give them that time. Next week swings by, and lo and behold, you still haven’t received the documentation, and you’ve wasted another week. You have to go and contact your lawyer. They file an application or a motion, which takes a bit of time, and matters are drifting. The fact is, when it’s something that you want, the narcissist won’t take it seriously, because it’s what you want, which amounts to a threat to the world of control of the narcissist. Instead, the narcissist will move at a leisurely pace. because that enables the narcissist to be the one that’s in control. In such circumstances, the most appropriate thing that you can do when you realize that you have a process with the narcissist where you want to achieve something is go hell for leather within that process. not granting extensions or continuances, ensuring that the relevant lawyer that you have instructed knows not to grant those things, and whilst it may seem harsh and unreasonable, and you may get some criticism in a judicial capacity, ultimately you will succeed by adopting an approach of as soon as a deadline is breached, you immediately issue an application and get it into court to state that if it isn’t provided by X date, the defence will be struck out, for instance, or certain evidence can’t be included. You have to keep the pressure up on the narcissist.
There’s no point in trying to persuade or cajole the narcissist to do what you want. That’ll just be met with a refusal and a delay, and the narcissist will be savouring your fuel as you lose your temper over it. Instead, what you must do is get on with it. Expect the narcissist to delay. Expect the narcissist to prevaricate, save where it’s something the narcissist wants themselves. And instead, what you must do is focus on getting the job done. Do not allow extensions to be granted, save where you must do so to avoid a cost penalty. Ensure that you instruct your lawyer to make the applications promptly, and if there is any slippage by the other side that this is to be seized on immediately, that requests for extensions be refused. There will be, as I say, instances where you might be criticized for doing so, but in the long run, it’s advantageous to you. Because if you allow an extension, the narcissist will want another one. If you grant an extension of 14 days, they’ll take 21 days. Your lawyer will say, well, they’ll soon provide it. Don’t worry about it. You need to keep on top of it. Pressing. Because the narcissist will use delay against you. Will use delay. order to control the process. Where you’re dealing with something where you can’t utilize the judicial process, you need to factor in that this delay will occur and you will need to look for an alternative approach in order to try and compel the narcissist to get what you require. In such instances, I would encourage you to consult with me in order to receive a bespoke solution in such instances. Sometimes it’s as simple as managing your own expectations to know that the narcissist is going to be tardy and not get your hopes up. In other instances, there is the potential for considering that there might be something that you can do in order to compel the narcissist outside of judicial process to move matters along. But that is on a bespoke basis and is very much dependent on a case -by -case basis, hence the necessity of explaining it to you through consultation. Narcissists use delay in order to frustrate, in order to get what they want, in order to do what they require, and you must be familiar and be prepared for it.
