How The Narcissist Gives the Game Away

There are certain times where the Narcissist will do something which gives the game away. Little slip -ups, if you will. Whoops moments. I’m not talking about you come home to find that the Narcissist is balls deep in your next -door neighbor, or that you wander into the study to find the Narcissist engaging in a little bit of self -pleasuring over some clown porn. No. These are inadvertent utterings by the narcissist, which alerts you to there being something not quite right. When they happen, you will notice that there’s something odd, but you probably won’t have realized at that time what was really going on, because you didn’t realize you were dealing with a narcissist. However, you will be able to look back and spot some of these. Not every narcissist does this. Upper echelon ones won’t. The narcissism is far too effective to allow these schoolboy errors to be made. Lower echelon narcissists will do this, not always, but they’re relatively common, and by knowing what to look for, this provides you with a distinct advantage. First of all, in enabling you to understand what has occurred, and also to enable you, moving forward, to look out for this occurring, so that you can guard against further ensnarement. There are numerous of these little slip -ups. I’m going to tell you about five.

First one, the use of the wrong name. This is a common one. I’m not referring to it just occurring once where somebody refers to you by their ex’s name. Many people do that, and that’s not in itself problematic. But where it happens repeatedly, or where it happens repeatedly calling you by repeatedly different names. So if you’re called Angela, you suddenly are called Brenda, Caroline, Denise. You might get called Denise several times in the course of the relationship. Watch out particularly for this being uttered at moments of fury and also moments of high -level fueling, particularly in the sexual arena. This, of course, occurs because of the objectification that we engage in. because we don’t actually see you as a person in our unconscious, you are just another toaster, another washing machine. And therefore, the names and identities are in effect interchangeable. And in a particular moment, the narcissism has a glitch and causes the narcissist just to refer to you by the name of somebody else. Of course, this operates as a form of provocation and will prompt a reaction to draw fuel. But it is something that will occur as a mistake rather than an intended application of control by the narcissism. It has, in effect, misfired. Of course, the narcissism will immediately assist the narcissist when you go, Denise who? Who’s Denise? To go, oh, don’t know where that came from. Oh, I was watching a film last night and the main character was called Denise. That must be where it’s come from. Immediate denial and deflection in order to beat down your concerns, which of course would amount to a threat to control. One way of avoiding this scenario and method that I use is to use pet names. by not ever referring to anybody by their real name, but always, for instance, referring to the primary source by a pet name, such as Snookums, not that that’s one that I would use, but if, for instance, that was used, or Sexpot, or Corky, or whatever it might be, any of those names, by calling each primary source with the same pet name, this potential glitch would be avoided. But it arises out of the fact that we don’t see you as a separate and distinct individual.

Number two, the item. The narcissist says to you, could you bring my shirt back that I left at your house, please? I want to wear it tonight. Only problem is, the narcissist didn’t leave a shirt at your house. The shirt was left at somebody else’s house. And the sense of entitlement that you ought to bring something back at the request or demand of the narcissist allied with the fact of the compartmentalization and objectification that you are seen as just like any other appliance means that the narcissism can glitch so that the narcissist asks you to bring back the shirt when of course he left it somewhere else this of course opens the narcissist up to a query as to you didn’t leave a shirt here Of course, the narcissism will jump in, correcting the mistake by saying, oh, I must have forgotten. Oh, it’s here. Or, are you sure? Putting Putting the onus back onto the victim to double -check. And of course, if you are insistent that no shirt was left, you will threaten the narcissist’s control and the narcissism will need to respond in order to beat down that threat to the control by saying, I thought I had left it there. Perhaps you’ve thrown it away. Or, oh, maybe I’m mistaken. I must have it here somewhere. I’ll go and look. But pick up on this. This is a giving the game away moment.

Number three. Do you remember when? There you are, sat on the porch. So, beautiful summer’s evening. The day is cooling. The sun dips down. The sky streaked with ochre, gold, orange, russet, red. You’re both enjoying a cold glass of chablis and the narcissist turns and says, Do you remember that time when we went to see Michael Bolton in concert? Wasn’t it good? Except, The narcissist never took you to see Michael Bolton. He took somebody else. And of course, at that point, again, because you are an appliance like any other, the Narcissism, as part of asserting control over you with a benign manipulation, reminiscing, has selected the wrong memory. And the Narcissist went to the concert with Sandra and your Charlotte. Now, of course, The nurses may have confused, are you sure we didn’t go? I could have sworn that we saw Michael Bolton together, and of course alone. echelon narcissist might do that in terms of trying to deflect from the matter, but is only digging themself into deeper loss of control, because the narcissism isn’t applying itself in an effective fashion. A mid -ranger would probably correct the matter by saying, no, not Michael Bolton, and then shift to a concert that you actually did attend with the narcissist. This isn’t a simple mistake. This is, of course, the narcissism glitching by seeking out an earlier memory, but a memory with somebody else. Now, in some instances, there may not be anything particularly untoward, because all that’s happening is that the narcissism is remembering a memory from an ex rather than with you. But in some instances, it might belie the fact, particularly if it’s referenced to a recent concert, one that has taken place during the duration of your relationship, that the narcissist actually went with somebody else. Be alert to this occurring, where the narcissist references a memory that isn’t a memory with you.

Number four, failure to remember. The narcissist tells you as you sit down in a high -end restaurant, this is a great choice of restaurant, well done, how did you find it? Um, we’ve been here before, three weeks ago, you respond. In this instance, this demonstrates the narcissist’s ability to compartmentalize and jettison past memories. The narcissist hasn’t remembered that he’s been here with you, because his narcissism determined that that’s in the past and it didn’t need to be utilized. And in the moment, the narcissism selects flattery, great choice of restaurant, but glitches by giving the game away that the narcissist doesn’t remember. And again, that evidences the fact that you are just an appliance like anybody else, and you are not memorable. Of course, the narcissist makes out that you are special and memorable, but you’re not. You are like any other appliance utensil that provides us with the prime aims. And the narcissist has given the game away by failing to recall the last time that you and he were at that particular restaurant with this remark.

Finally, number five, an incongruous remark. This is where the narcissist says something which doesn’t match what’s actually going on. There are lots of examples that would fit within this. It might be, for instance, somebody saying to you, fetch, which is treating you like a dog. Again, evidencing the sense of entitlement of the narcissist, lack of emotional empathy. And in the moment, the narcissism has issued an instruction to you as if you were some kind of servant. Take notice of this. This is how the narcissist truly regards you. The narcissist might say something such as, what a fucking bitch she is, referring to your mother. In effect, his thoughts have popped out, and he’s spoken them. He’s thought out loud. This, of course, is evidenced by a sense of entitlement, poor boundary recognition, and is in effect what the narcissist was thinking at that moment, but the narcissism has misfired and has caused the narcissist to say it in an attempt to assert control over you. Similarly, it might be that you’re watching a television program showing some downtrodden oppressed individuals and the narcissist says they should all be fucking exterminated, relying a bigoted and unpleasant attitude towards the relevant minority group. Again, the narcissist is thinking out loud, and this is done as a form of provocation, but the incongruity of the remark to the surrounds should alert you. Another instance might be that you’re engaging in a sexual act with the narcissist, and it’s a heterosexual relationship, and you’re female and he’s male, and all of a sudden the narcissist says, good boy, giving the game away there, that he’s showing his sexual fluidity. Either He’s referring to you in the sense of talking to you as if you were a dog, again, evidencing the objectification, and this should be a matter of concern. Or, it could also evidence sexual fluidity, because he was actually regarding you as a member of his own sex, because of the sexual fluidity that is occasioned by our kind. And if you want to understand more about that, read my excellent book, Sex and the Narcissist, and listen to the video, Is the Narcissist Secretly Gay? These are just five examples amongst many whereby the narcissist gives the game away, evidencing such things as the sense of entitlement, compartmentalization, objectification, seeing individuals as an extension of the narcissist’s self, a lack of accountability, and a lack of boundary recognition. These should be noted and acted upon as you are being given a glimpse by the narcissism glitching of what is actually going on and who you are dealing with. I’m H . G. Tudor. Thank you for listening.