Category Archives: exposure

Eyes Wide Shut

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Will you ever recognise me as I walk towards you, rictus grin fixed across my face, eyes ablaze with love, passion and desire? Will you notice the way I keep you in my sights as my charm flows over you, seeping into your every pore and orifice? Will you take heed of the sugar-coated words as they spill from my mouth, telling you so remarkably all the things that you want to hear? Will you take note of the phrases which have been recycled again and again and possess the novelty of a cliché? Will you look deep into my eyes and see past your reflection or will you remain transfixed by what shines in these dulled, dark eyes? Will you question how is it that I know so much about you, where you live, where you work, your hobbies and your hates? Will you feel the chill down your spine as I appear once again without warning at a location you frequent or will you regard it as the tingling sensation of excitement and the thrill of my alluring personality? Will you question the platitudes that I issue, like confetti sprinkled on the breeze or will you smile and nod and savour the warmth that rises within you as I tell you how wonderful you are and that we belong together? Will you frown at my declaration of love within a day and a night and a day of meeting you or will you accept and swallow those carefully crafted words without a moment’s consideration? Will you wonder how my hands and mouth became so skilled or will you submit to their heady application and give breathless thanks that they are laid upon you? Will you query how this golden light continues to shine and wonder why you were chosen above all the others? Will you see through the veneer of scathing hatred for those who have gone before you or will you become co-conspirator and sneer at her or at him, disgusted by their lack of dignity in the way that they behave? Will you not ask yourself whether their words ring with truth and why they look as if their very essence has been sucked from them, leaving naught but a fractured shell? Will you wonder why the gifts keep on coming? Will you question the forbidden fruits that have been laid before you or will you gorge on them, delirious with desire and elated by the ecstasy of our largesse?

Will you recognise me when I turn my face from you when you try to kiss me? Will you know what is happening when you are left in a tearful heap on the floor for the third time in a week or will you flagellate yourself for your shortcomings? Will you notice as the triangles are weaved around you and your best friend becomes your supposed enemy, but by whose say so? Will you fight back against the control that is exerted on the way you look, what you choose to do and who you interact with or will you accept it and allow your sense of self to evaporate? Will you understand what is happening to you as you crawl alone into that ice-cold bed, this once haven of sexual congress that now lies like an empty tomb ? Will you realise what is going on as you blink back tears as the clock shows 3am and you have no idea where I am?  Will you stand up for yourself when you are labelled whore, slattern, idiot and fool or will you bow your head and retreat, thankful that your injuries are only verbal. This time. Will you remember what you once were ? Will you remain bound by the chains of confusion or will you break them across your knee and free yourself from your cruel bondage?

Will you recognise me as my hand grips your throat and my bile-infused words rain down on you, spittle flecked hatred peppering your face? Will you dial my number for the fiftieth time in two hours as you desperately try to hear my voice and ask me, beg me, plead for me to come home? Will you wince as another dinner set falls prey to my savage fury ? Will you kneel and pick up the pieces, fingers shaking as you fumble for the broken shards that lie scattered across the floor? Will you know what is being systematically done to you each and every day or will you obscure the reality by praying for that golden light to come back and dispel the darkness? Will you recognise me for what I truly am or will you make yet another excuse, wondering what will happen when you run dry of the excuses and hastily constructed explanations for my reign of terror?

Will you recognise me as I cast you aside, shoved into the dirt and sneered at? Will you look up from the smouldering ruins of what we once had and see her (or is it you?) looking back at you with disdain writ large across her made-up features? She seems so familiar, do you know her, there is such a fog now and it clouds so much. Will you understand why you have been forgotten about as your numbed fingers compose another searching e-mail, asking for explanations that will not come, expressing tearful anger that will be smiled at, detailing your abject hurt which will only ever receive a dismissive shrug?

Will you recognise me for what I am when I reach out a hand and lift you from your broken existence? Will you know what truly is going to happen as I lead you once more towards the brilliant, burning golden light? Will you feel the prick of caution in your mind or will you gladly race towards the promised land once again, concern and hesitation thrown to one side? Will you notice the rictus grin once again as you race ahead of me? Will you pay attention to the darkened glint in my baleful gaze or will you charge headlong towards the paradise,  addicted to its warmth and glorious sensations? Will you recognise me as I close the door behind us, bolt it and turn the heavy iron key in the lock as the thick drapes are pulled across the dirt-smeared windows? Will you notice the sharpened dagger that I have produced and hold behind my back?

Will you stop and glance in the shattered mirror that dominates this place and if you do, will you recognise yourself?

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No! You Are The Narcissist – Part Two

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What if you are entangled with a Mid-Range Narcissist? How will he or she react when you decide to utilise your new found knowledge to explain to this person that they are a narcissist? What is their response likely to be? Will they accept what you are telling them ? Will they act on this revelation in a constructive way?

Like the Lesser Narcissist, the Mid-Range has no insight and no awareness of what they are. The response of the Mid-Ranger will depend generally on which sub-category he or she belongs to.

The Lower Mid-Range Narcissist

If you tell the LMRN that he or she is a narcissist and even if you try to explain it by reference to behaviours of this person and material which coincides with those behaviours, the LMRN just will not countenance it.

You can expect that if you suggest this in an angry or accusatory fashion then the LMRN’s reaction will lean more towards that of the Lesser, causing an irritated reaction because you are challenging him. However, since you are delivering this accusation with fuel, he will remain in order to draw this fuel from you, denying the suggestion and provoking further argument. The more you persist in trying to explain to him that his behaviours accord with the actions and words of a narcissist, the more he will deny and deflect all in the pursuit of the fuel that you are offering until you give up in frustration and depart the argument. The LMRN will be fuelled and content that he has seen off your nonsensical challenge. You can expect to hear comments during this argument such as:-

“I don’t do those things, stop making things up.”

“I only stay in the study when you have been horrible to me, how is that a silent treatment?”

“If you were nicer to me, I wouldn’t want to go out and see my friends as much.”

If you deliver this accusation in a no fuel manner, trying to explain it reasonably then you are criticising the LMRN. He will recognise that the behaviours you are describing are regarded as problematic, although he will not accept that they have any applicability to him whatsoever. Whereas if this was done with the Lesser Narcissist he would erupt in heated fury, the LMRN will respond with cold fury. Your criticism will wound him, his fury will ignite since he has a low control threshold over it and he will just storm away from you, fuming but not able to draw fuel from you nor seeing the potential for fuel, unlike the argumentative scenario above.

He will sulk and engage in a silent treatment in order to try to draw fuel from you. If this does not work and you persist in trying to explain your point, say by following him and continuing the commentary, he will have a pressing need to escape your criticism and halt the wounding and seek fuel elsewhere. You can expect him to leave the vicinity, seek fuel from somebody else and dole out a longer silent treatment to you. If this takes place during devaluation, as it invariably will, he will head to the prospective primary source that he is seducing and draw fuel from this person. If the other person knows about you, you will be smeared and your reasonable explanation will be portrayed as an unmerited attack in order to secure sympathy fuel.  If the other person does not know about you yet, the narcissist is likely to seek fuel from your competitor by way of compliments instead.

Thus, the LMRN will either deny and stay to provoke an argument to gain fuel, or if there is no fuel available, he will try a present silent treatment to draw some from you and if this does not work he will absent himself.

The Medium Mid-Ranger Narcissist

The MMRN will seize on the opportunity to draw fuel if accused of being a narcissist. He will naturally not accept it, but if you deliver the accusation and accompanying evidence in a fuel-filled manner then he will continue the argument to keep drawing on this fuel. He will not erupt in a temper as a consequence of this challenge and to keep the flow of fuel going, instead he will issue excuses for the behaviour you challenge him with. He will deny that he has behaved in this manner, blame you instead and fail to see that there is anything wrong or narcissistic in what he does. You can expect to be blamed as being a narcissist. With sufficient cognitive function and a degree of calculating behaviour, combined with his complete inability to accept what you are saying, you will be subjected to considerable projection. The MMRN will seize on the information you present him with and concoct lies as he turns it around and projects onto you. During this exchange, you can expect to hear:-

“You are the one who goes off in a huff, you are always refusing to speak to me.”

“I don’t lose my temper over nothing, that’s your trick, only last week you went off it when I worked late.”

“I don’t bring up things from the past, you are always doing it.”

“You have some cheek of accusing me of these things when you do it all the time. Stop trying to mess with my head, it won’t work.”

“Typical. You accuse me of controlling behaviour and here you are trying to tell me what I am. You are the narcissist, not me.”

“Ask anybody who knows me and they will tell me I don’t do those things. In fact, Donna only remarked last week about how she thought you did narcissistic things.”

If you deliver the accusation of him being a narcissist in a fuel free manner, this will be criticism and he will be wounded. His ignited fury will manifest as a present silent treatment which we will punctuate with denials in the hope of drawing a reaction from you and gaining fuel. He will maintain some effort to achieve this. Never erupting in a temper but rather sulking and then stating that he is not a narcissist in the hope of causing you to show some emotion and provide him with fuel. Projection will again be engaged in.He will not need to exit with the speed of the LMRN but there will be sulking and punctuated comments as follows:-

“I cannot believe you can be so hurtful. Actually I can since you are a narcissist.”

“I cannot believe how hypocritical you are calling me a narcissist.”

“You have some cheek accusing me of the very thing you are.”

If you do not provide this fuel and continue to advance that he is a narcissist he can only withstand this wounding for a short period of time and ultimately he will leave the vicinity. You can expect a prolonged silent treatment. This is done to avoid being wounded further so that when he reappears you will have hopefully lost interest in telling him that he is a narcissist and to allow him to draw fuel from another source, which is most likely going to be the person who is being seduced to replace you as the primary source.

Thus, the MMRN will engage in argument and do so with excuses and projection. Prolonged exposure to criticism will bring about his withdrawal and a prolonged silent treatment.

The Upper Mid-Range Narcissist

The UMRN unsurprisingly will capitalise on any provision of fuel when you deliver your verdict to gain more fuel. Being closer to the Greater school, he will utilise charm and persuasion couple with the less aggressive nature of the Mid-Range school in order to work the situation to his advantage. He does not accept that he is a narcissist but he will notice some similarity in behaviours. He will therefore accept that he may behave in the way you describe BUT he will always have an excuse for why he behaves like that, be it an environmental factor (“I know I can be withdrawn but it is because I am so tired from working so hard and I am not sleeping well”) or to blaming you (“I disappear because you are so hurtful in your comments towards me and I am not going to shout in front of the children.”) Thus you will be lulled into thinking that you are making some progress because there is recognition, but this is just a form of manipulation. This is being done in order to make it seem like you are making headway but there is no real insight, merely a ruse so you keep engaging and providing fuel through the ongoing discussion as your irritation, frustration, upset and anger increase. Accordingly, if you deliver the accusation in a fuelled manner you can expect to be drawn into a lengthy discussion where there will be no acceptance and instead a continued to attempt to draw fuel from you.

If you accuse the UMRN of being a narcissist and do so without fuel, then naturally this is criticism and you wound him. He has some control and the fury will not ignite straight away. Instead, he will remain and try to draw fuel from you in order to heal the wound. This will manifest through the making of excuses, seeking to draw sympathy and then move on to projection in order to try to get an emotional reaction from you. The UMRN will have a higher energy level and a higher control threshold on his fury, so he will put extra effort in to his attempt to garner fuel from you. Thus you can expect to hear comments such as:-

“I might do those things but I am shattered from all the work I do looking after you.”

“I am not a narcissist, but I understand why you might think some of the things, not all, are hurtful, perhaps we can work something out?”

“I am not what you say I am, but I guess I have a few issues, it is just because I am so stressed. I need you to help me please. Will you help me?”

“You know, I have said I needed your help but you wont give up accusing me and do you know why that is? Because you are one and you are trying to mess with my thoughts. I don’t need help actually, you do.”

“I might do a few of those things, but who doesn’t? What we really should be talking about is your behaviour. I didn’t know what you were until you started to mentioning this narcissistic behaviours, but now I come to think of it, it is clear that you are a narcissist and we should be discussing you, not me.”

It will prove difficult in such a scenario with the initially sympathy-seeking and then projecting and blame-shifting UMRN not to provide fuel and therefore it is highly likely that he will not need to exit the scene and dole out a silent treatment because he will gain fuel and cause you to make admissions about your own behaviour not being perfect in order to deflect from discussing him. When forced to defend yourself, you will react in an emotional fashion and thus the fuel is gained.

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Exposure : Escape

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Should you expose your narcissist when you have escaped? Should you expose him or her if you have been discarded? It is far more likely that you have established who it is you have been dealing with for so many tortuous months or even years, when the Formal Relationship has concluded. Whether you managed to escape, or, more often, you have been discarded, the revelation of what you have been entangled with is more likely to appear in the aftermath than opposed to during seduction or devaluation.

Armed with this new found knowledge, as the pieces of the jigsaw start to fit together, but whilst the emotion remains raw, the desire to expose us to the world at large is extremely tempting. What better way to secure revenge than letting those who fawn over us understand what we really are? You know now and in accordance with your empathic nature you feel obligated to share this truth now that you have sought the truth and found it. Now it must surely be time to announce to the world that we are a narcissist?

Once again, as described during devaluation, the timing and the school of narcissist are highly relevant to understanding what is likely to happen as a consequence of this unmasking to third parties. We address here the likely outcomes when you have escaped your narcissist.

Post Escape

The next scenario is to consider what will occur should you expose us to third parties once you have escaped our grasp.

The Lesser. 

You will have stolen a march on the Lesser Narcissist. Based on the assumption that you have effected no contact and escaped his grasp without giving him an opportunity to try to prevent your escape (see https://narcsite.com/2016/08/20/how-no-contact-feels-part-one/) then your exposure will have taken the Lesser by surprise.

His efforts will have been focused on trying to win you back through the application of an Initial Grand Hoover, but if your no contact has remained intact and this IGH has failed, the Lesser will have been forced to seek out a new primary source to replace you. His fuel levels will have dropped and he will not have the energy levels to engage in any meaningful smearing of you as he tries to seduce a replacement.

As word of the your exposure reaches him, he will be wounded by this substantial criticism. His fury will be ignited and he will want to lash out at you. Knowledge of the exposure will have amounted to you entering a sphere of influence so there is a Hoover Trigger. His reaction will be to want to effect a malign hoover against you. However, if your no contact is solid and the wounding effect of the exposure will mean that you have raised the bar high in respect of the Hoover Execution Criteria. He will not effect the hoover because the prospect of fuel is difficult, he may not be able to contact you and there is the risk of further wounding.

He will however have his fury ignited by the wounding effect of the exposure. Unable to apply this heated fury against you through a malign hoover and in desperate need of fuel, the Lesser will actually be likely to lash out at his secondary sources. This creates a further problem for him. Whilst on the one hand those secondary sources – family and friends, will react by giving him fuel – they cannot help but do so as he lashes out at them causing anger, upset and surprise – he is also reinforcing what you have exposed him for.

Accordingly, in such a scenario, you have spread word of what he is. This has got back to the narcissist and irrespective of whether people believe what you have said or not (we turn to that in a  moment) the mere fact of you committing such an act of treachery as well results in huge criticism and thus huge wounding. Unable to perform what will in effect be a Malign Follow-up Hoover against you, the Lesser will have lost control and will lash out left right and centre. People will be railed against, insulted, items smashed and so forth as the Lesser damages the facade through his own inability to control his rage.

Eventually the garnered fuel will heal the wound but after this the Lesser faces the consequences of his actions. Numerous sources will turn their back on him and he will be left to rely on a diminished range of sources. Lacking the energy to draw in many replacement secondary sources, the Lesser is forced to focus on obtaining (or embedding) the new primary source. He will however withdraw generally as he regains fuel and slowly replaces the appliances that he has lost. This may even force the Lesser to move territory and seek out a new hunting ground.

Your exposure to the third parties will meet with some success, certainly more than if it took place during devaluation. This is because you are likely to be more composed in your approach, because you escaped and you have been able to get in first with your exposure before the Lesser has been able to smear. Not everybody will accept what you tell them, but others will. You will also then see that rather than fight back by smearing you and tackling your exposure, the out of control and wounded Lesser will only behave in a manner which allows you to stand back and say

“Told you so.”

So long as you engage in this exposure in a manner whereby the wild and raging Lesser cannot exact his Malign Follow-Up Hoover against you, exposing him post escape is likely to meet with success.

The Mid-Ranger

What then of the Mid-Ranger? How does he respond once you have exposed him post escape? Again, this is based on you managing to escape without tipping him off as otherwise you will initially face the scenario detailed here https://narcsite.com/2016/08/22/how-no-contact-feels-part-two/

Once word reaches the Mid-Ranger of your exposure he will also be taken by surprise. Although possessing of a better cognitive function and greater control than the Lesser, the Mid-Range Narcissist will also suffer a massive wound as a combination of the twin criticisms of your escape and the exposure. His immediate reaction will be one of horror at your disloyal behaviour, amazement at how treacherous you are and disgust that you of all people could do a thing like this.

The fury of the Mid-Ranger will be ignited and he will need to seek fuel. Just like the Lesser, he will turn to wanting to contact you by way of a follow-up hoover, since your exposure step has caused you to enter his sphere of influence and a hoover is triggered. The Mid-Ranger will not proceed in a malign fashion but he will want to hoover you in a benign way and for the purposes of rolling our repeated pity plays in the expectation of causing you to give him fuel and to also end and indeed reverse the exposure.

He will want to know why you could do this to him after all the things he has done for you, how you could treat somebody who loves you so badly, how you could be so cruel, so evil and heartless when all he has ever done is love you. He will be oblivious to his devaluation of you as he is intent and focused on his own discomfort. The wound will have him restless, morbid and in victim mode. If the Mid-Ranger is able to engage with you, you can expect a lengthy monologue as he seeks to draw sympathy from you and also your confirmation that the exposure is a mistake, based on a misunderstanding and you will rectify it by telling everyone that you have made a mistake and that he is in fact a decent and reliable person.

If the Mid-Ranger is unable to contact you to make this heartfelt plea, then he is forced to seek sympathy elsewhere and he will engage his energies in locating (or embedding the new primary source) as he smears you for your hurtful treachery and also rolling out his own propaganda response to those you have exposed him too. He will want sympathy and support from his supporters, he will entreat his coterie and lieutenants to disbelieve you and to persuade others of his merits.

You may meet with some success in persuading third parties to accept the true nature of the Mid Ranger if you are able to steal a march on him through your escape. If you can get your exposure in before he can smear you then you will have some success. You will face the difficulty that the Mid-Ranger will not respond in an aggressive manner but rather deploy pity and seek sympathy all in order to have people feel sorry for him. This is an effective step by him and he will not engage in the self-defeating behaviour of the Lesser.

Your exposure combined with no contact will cause him to slink away and leave you alone. He will be forced to apply his efforts to the replacement and trying to repair his reputation with the third parties and smear you also. Whilst he has more energy than the Lesser, he may ultimately opt to maintain a low profile and rely on what remains of his loyal sources as he located and embeds the new primary source. You have raised the Hoover Execution Criteria bar and therefore the prospects of further hoovers will be limited for some time.

The Greater

Finally we turn to the Greater. What is his reaction on you escaping him and exposing him? Once again, if you have tipped him off as to your intentions, the initial response from him will be as described here

https://narcsite.com/2016/08/24/how-no-contact-feels-part-three/

If you do not tip off the Greater, what happens when he learns that you are exposing his behaviour and what he is to third parties.

Your escape and this attempted unmasking, amounts, as you would expect, to a criticism. It wounds the Greater but he will manage his fury and keep it under control. For now. His initial response will be two fold:-

  1. He will seek to apply a Benign Follow-Up Hoover to charm you. This will be fierce and sustained and seem like an Initial Grand Hoover, but it is not. He will be delightful, pleasant, apparently remorseful and will lay on the charm and magnetism; and
  2. He will deploy all resources in order to counter the effects of your exposure with the third parties. This will be initially by way of asserting his credentials, then undermining you and smearing you.

If the Greater is unable to contact you for the purposes of charming you, he will accelerate his efforts to secure a new primary source (even if the replacement is not 100% suitable) as the Greater will want a replacement immediately for two reasons.

  1. Naturally for fuel; and
  2. To parade to the facade’s third parties as part of the assertion of his credentials and the smearing of you.

Your escape will be portrayed as him leaving you. You will be smeared as The Crazy One and he will gain fuel from your replacement and his other sources. He is adept at doing so and consequently this will provide him with the additional energy to smear you and derail your exposure.

It is very hard to expose a Greater because he has charmed so many people that they will just find it very hard to believe what you are saying to them. Not only that, the Greater will be fighting back by reassuring these people there is nothing to worry about whilst pointing to your drink problem, your habitual lying, your possessive jealousy and so forth. This combination of reassurance, charm and smearing means you are unlikely to have much effect on the thoughts and opinions of the third parties, other than them to hold you in contempt.

The new replacement will be paraded in order to try to draw fuel from you, there will be frequent Relationship Bulletins and you may have escaped but your exposure will actually feel like you are under siege again because of the effects of the Greater’s sustained and co-ordinated response.

Even high calibre evidence of what the Greater is may well founder in the light of his charm and concentrated abilities and ultimately you run the risk of either being seduced again through his charm or if you can maintain no contact, you will find your exposure has not dented his standing but has had an adverse effect on your from the sustained smearing you will suffer. Even if your exposure ‘gets in’ first, the Greater can  mobilise his propaganda machine quickly with the consequent problems this will cause for you.

You may wish to consider carefully whether there is anything to be gained from exposing the Greater and instead focus on the gains you have made from escaping.

Next consideration will be given to the scenario of exposure following discard.

 

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