All posts by HG Tudor

I am letting you see my worldview for your own protection.

The Narcissistic Truths – No. 233

EVERYWHEREYOU GOYOU WILLHEAROUR TUNE

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The Constant Farmer

THE CONSTANTFARMER

 

Farmers are hard workers. They and us share similarities. We plough a singular furrow through life, unwavering and determined. Their lives are full yet they never really have time or opportunity to connect fully with other people because they have so many demands. They till the field and broadcast the seed, tending to the various crops as they watch and wait allowing the barley or corn, the potatoes or beet to grow to the optimum position before moving quickly to harvest them whilst the sun shines and they can garner the very best from their endeavours. Once a particular harvest has been safely gathered in, they once would burn the stubble and what had been built up was now cut down and razed to the ground so that it returned to the earth. Animals need to be fed, mucked out, treated for disease and tended to when they give birth to new offspring. Buildings must be maintained, fences repaired, the weather watched and produce sold. Cows have to be milked, sheep shorn and pigs sold to bring home the bacon. Lambing time is a repeated battle to ensure the lambs are safely delivered with the farmer rising through the night to assist a particular ewe who may be struggling with her birth. Having helped bring forth the lamb, from the ewe being tupped, to giving birth, the lamb is then sent for slaughter. Again, that which he has built must be destroyed. It is a repeated and endless cycle, much like that which we adopt.

It is the tenth day of a silent treatment. I have removed all contact with you and left you concerned, anxious and bewildered. It is the fourth silent treatment in as many months and each one becomes longer than the one before. You have yet to work and understand what this signifies and fortunately for me you are engaged in trying to work out what is wrong and trying still to contact me. Your repeated messages and telephone calls all provide me with the negative fuel as I envisage you sat there, worried and unsettled as you tap in another text message pleading with me to get in contact with you. I picture you lying awake at night, repeatedly glancing at your ‘phone in the hope that it will light up with a response from me. You wonder what I am doing during this absence and because of who you are, your thoughts are based on concern. Have I fallen ill or something worse? Have I suffered some bad news and become depressed? Have I become a recluse? Your enquiries of my friends have proven fruitless but then they would since my coterie and Lieutenants have all been briefed that you have been horrible to me and therefore they should not respond in any helpful fashion. You hit a brick wall of resistance which puzzles you all the more. The rolled-eyes as a lieutenant shakes his head and hurries away from you as you halt your approach with confusion gripping you. You wonder whether I am locked away somewhere, engulfed in grief. In fact, I am busy hoovering your predecessor who I had just subjected to a lengthy silent period. My time away from you is not spent playing video games, watching cable television or sleeping. Not at all. Just like the farmer, I am busy tending to my crops. I am contacting all my various secondary sources of fuel, giving them a blast of golden sunshine so that their attraction to me does not wane. A few drinks with one set of inner circle friends, some flirtatious text messages with some remotes strangers and drinks with an outer circle friend who is a serious candidate for promotion to an intimate partner if I should tire completely of you and your predecessor. I am sowing the seeds, repairing the fences, milking the cows and shearing the sheep. So much to do. I am also applying my endeavours to the hoover on your predecessor and this is occupying my time as I apologise to her for my period of silence. I explain that I needed to be alone, to assess where my life was leading me and I am sorry I disappeared without saying anything but it just descended on me. I realised I had to change but I wanted to make sure that this was a real, deep-seated desire, not some butterfly like passing fancy and that was why I was gone for so long. I have trotted out the speech before and it is invariably successful and I see no reason why it will not be now. This will result in your silent treatment continuing beyond the tenth day as I take your predecessor back into the fold. I will hopefully be spending the night with her tonight as she has already agreed to dinner, although I will be taking her somewhere you will not find us. I do not want you knowing about her, not yet anyway. I need to safely gather this harvest in before I can boast about how many bushels I have collected. Once she has been hoovered back in I will announce our reconciliation. You will probably learn about it when you look again at my Facebook page for signs of activity. I know you are doing this activity every day, that is why I have not blocked you but there is nothing being posted, so the silence continues. It won’t for much longer and you will learn about her and I being together again, which will of course prompt a large dose of negative fuel from you once you learn of this.

Of course at some point it will be necessary to sow the seeds of seduction with you once again. You are on the cusp of having the flame applied to what remains of your relationship as I erase you, just as fire did to those cropped crops in the past. I will too busy showing off my prize animal, grooming it and feeding it, so it grows strong and plump, the envy of all those who are observing. How does he do it? What is his secret? How does he always manage to find such a prize specimen and make it his? The awards and accolades will pile up, testimony to the excellent stock that I have acquired until it is such time to lead her to the slaughter and cast her to one side, just as I have been nurturing the growth of your crop once again, watering you and allowing hot, golden sunshine to play on you once again.

This is how it is. You may think this silence is one where I am just away from you either ill, isolated or in contemplation. I am not. I am busy with your predecessor, just like the farmer who always has something to attend to. The days roll by, the seasons come and go, but both the farmer and I have work to attend to as we grow and harvest. We are so similar. We both have crops and flocks. We both grow, nurture and develop. We both slaughter. We both harvest. We are the constant farmers.

There But Not There

The people that know me and interact with me often remark that I always seem attuned to people and my environment. They remark about how I know so much about certain things, that I have clearly experienced a lot and retained the benefit of this experience. My awareness of matters is high and it is often commented on how I am able to “plug in” to something and instantly understand it, know how it works and what to do. Whether it is a meeting, discussion or event, I always fit in. I am not going to disagree with those comments.

Let us imagine that you are a massive football (soccer for our transatlantic cousins) fan. I listen to how you analyse a forthcoming match and discuss the impact of an expensive new signing. I carefully pay attention as you detail how the opposition centre-half is weak on short passes played into the penalty area. I see your eyes widen and light up with interest as you debate these issues with fellow fans. I make a careful note of what is said by you and the others and store it so that I can regurgitate it later to someone else who is similarly interested in football and pass it off as my own knowledge and observations. I do this with conviction so that nobody recognises that these comments are not my own. I spent the morning before the match that we are attending, reading the sport sections of two quality newspapers and also the satellite broadcaster’s webpage for the match, along with other bits and pieces from around the internet in order to assemble my knowledge for this, our first match together. I knew from your social media postings that you are a passionate fan of this team and as I targeted you I pretended I was as well. I managed to recall key trophies the team had won and recent events from the football club’s website to enable me to demonstrate I was also a committed fan. In the course of the discussion with you and your friends who are also die-hard fans I trot out a piece I memorised from a football writer, tweaking it here and there to give it a ring of authenticity as I explain how the captain, sorry our captain, needs a holding midfielder alongside him to allow him to venture further forward and play key balls to the lone man up front. You all nod in agreement showing admiration in my knowledge despite it being acquired elsewhere. I feel the fuel flowing.

I attend the match with you and see how excited you are by the occasion. Your conversation speeds up as you talk about the team the manager has selected. The smell of beer and hot dogs and pies mixes together on the concourse, heightening the occasion as the singing from the away fans drifts from inside the stadium. An event like this assails the senses. The press of the crowd as it makes its way inside seems to lend energy to you and your pace quickens, causing me to have to speed up to ensure I am not left behind. Once in our seats your face shows how you are eagerly anticipating the game, the chanting and shouting already loud, bouncing around the stadium and competing with the delivery of the pa announcer. All around me I can see nervous anticipation, bullish enthusiasm and well-founded confidence. I listen to the chants so I learn the words enabling me to join in. I watch you as you crane forward in your seat, eyes fixed on the unfolding match, fists clenched and repeated utterances issued loudly to urge your team on. I mimic your exhortions and body language, leaning towards the pitch and then jumping up as your team, now our team, opens the scoring. You hug me and I return the hug, jumping up and down in a replica of the delight that washes across the home crowd. The taunting chants aimed at the opposition ring out and I readily join in, gesturing towards the disconsolate faces in the adjoining stand. A second goal is scored, this time from the cries of delight and the conjoining of profanity and blasphemy the goal is clearly of both quality and importance.

“That puts us on top of the league on goal difference,” you explain as if you are able to see that I am wondering why there is such a heightened reaction to this second goal. I know however that you are not wondering that at all. I know that you are thrilled that I am embracing with such enthusiasm the match, sharing the main passion in your life. I join in with the cheers, the shouting, the cries of frustration and disappointment, the barracking of the referee when he makes a poor decision and ensure I am fully integrated with the experience. I look around me watching the passion, the hope, the fury and the delight etched on the other supporters. The stadium is a cauldron of noise and emotion. I am plugged into this experience along with fifty five thousand other people. I can see the emotions are raw and visceral, even primitive.

I see all of this around me yet I feel none of it. I merely mimic everyone else in order to fit in. I am attached to the experience but I feel nothing. I am completely detached from it. All it does is serve  a purpose to enable me to create and build bridges and ties with you. I can see how it all affects you, it is clear to see. I am there yet I am not. I am connected yet removed. This is how it feels, or rather, this is how it does not.

Told You So

TOLD YOUSO

 

“You know you really shouldn’t get involved with me you know, I am damaged.”

“Well, it is a little bit late for that isn’t it? I am already involved.”

“I know and I am glad to hear you tell me that, really I am, because I want you more than anything. I have not wanted anybody else in the way I want you but it is because of that I think you would be better off without me.”

“Don’t be silly, what do you mean by that?”

“You are so wonderful, so perfect. I truly have not met anyone like you. It is as if everything I have ever wanted and needed in somebody has been put together and rolled into one.”

“That is lovely of you to say, but I am not perfect, far from it.”

“To me you are.”

“Bless you, that is so sweet. I think you are wonderful too, not at all damaged. I cannot believe you said that.”

“Well I am.”

“Not from where I am sitting. You are incredible. Thoughtful, loving, attentive, interesting, sensual and so passionate. Those are just a few of the things that spring to mind when I think about you.”

“What else?”

“Oh let me see. Generous, yes generous and kind, considerate and successful. Entertaining as well. I don’t think I know anybody who can light up a room like you do. I love to watch you when you have everyone’s attention, I can see how much they love to listen to you.”

“Oh you are just saying those things to make me feel better.”

“No not at all, I mean every word, I really do. I have not met anyone as special as you and that is why I love you as I do.”

“You shouldn’t, I don’t mean to be rude, but you will only get hurt.”

“How? By you?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“I don’t know; I just always seem to mess things up. It may sound strange but somehow I want to think, I mean, I kind of know it should work with you, with you more than anybody else, I suppose I am just terrified that what we have is so wonderful, so perfect that I might do something to ruin it and then you would be hurt and I could not stand for that to happen.”

“You see, there you are again, considerate and kind.”

“I could not live with myself if I hurt you and I just do not want to run that risk of that happening. You do not deserve to be hurt.”

“That won’t happen, I can feel it. What you and I have is something out of the ordinary.”

“Yes we have haven’t we?”

“Absolutely. I love you and you love me and nobody is going to change that.”

“I know, I know, but what if, you know I do something?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, it is just that well, previous relationships have not exactly been successful have they? My track record is not great.”

“No but that wasn’t your fault was it? Look, you told me all about what has happened in the past. Not many men would be so honest as you to admit to what you have gone through. That takes real courage and is typical of the honesty and decency you exude. You are a good man and you have been treated abhorrently by some wicked people. Oooh, if I ever met them, I don’t know what I would do.”

“I knew you would understand. You always do. You get me. They never did you see. I tried you know. I always tried to make it work. I just wanted both of us to be happy but you know when whatever you do is not enough? When no matter how hard you try to please somebody but they always find some kind of fault? That was them. They made me feel like it was my fault a lot of the time. They had that way of twisting everything around so I was made out to be the villain. It is hard to explain it, but that is what they did.”

“I understand. There are some people who just delight in the misery of other people but that is not going to happen with you and me.”

“No?”

“No. We have both suffered previously.”

“I know. That is why I do not want to hurt you, you have had enough from the past and you deserve to be treated properly.”

“Well that is what you do. I could not ask for a better boyfriend, I really could not. You put me first, ahead of everything and you do so much for me. I really do appreciate it and each day I feel more in love with you because of what you do for me.”

“Thank you. That is all I want. Both of us to be happy. I think it must just be because of what has happened in the past, I am worried that this time, having found you, it will go wrong again and you will be hurt and I could not live with that.”

“Honestly, there is nothing to worry about. You have just been made to feel like this because of what they have done to you. It is understandable. I know you won’t hurt me. How could anyone who says the things you say to me ever hurt me? I have never had someone say the wonderful and beautiful things you say to me before. You leave me in tears. Tears of happiness admittedly because you just know what to say, you understand me.”

“Yes. There is a connection and it is deep and meaningful and I do not want that ever to be severed. I will fight to my dying breath to stay connected to you. I want to become you.”

“See, there you go again, saying the most wonderful things.”

“You bring it out in me. If it wasn’t for you I don’t know what I would do.”

“Well you don’t have to wonder do you? You’ve got me and you always will have.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Absolutely.”

“You see I am really in heaven every time we kiss. I don’t ever want to hurt you or lose you.”

“That will never happen. You have me forever.”

“I hope so, I really do.”

“You do. Now, let’s not have any more talk about you hurting me, that isn’t going to happen. We have the rest of our lives to be together and be happy. Let me get another bottle of wine, no, it is my turn, you stay there. You do enough running around after me, let me do something for you for a change.”

“Okay, same again please.”

“Coming right up. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

The Fuel Matrix – Part One

THE FUEL MATRIXUnderstanding the fuel matrix which is applicable to the type of narcissist that you are engaged with is extremely useful in ascertaining how the relationship is likely to proceed and moreover what you can do about it. If you understand your place within that fuel matrix, you will also gain additional insight into why you are treated in the manner you are and why the narcissist behaves in certain ways.

Naturally, whilst our kind is very similar in many respects there are also subtle yet important differences and one of those differences arises in the way that our fuel matrices are constituted. People who are unfamiliar with our kind and the differing schools and cadres tend to think of a narcissist as someone beautiful, who is self-obsessed and is always preening themselves in the mirror. Whilst that has some applicability to some of our kind, it is not representative. By a similar token, the fuel networks which we establish vary between school.

The Lesser School

Beginning with the Lesser school of narcissist. Recognised through his lower cognitive function, lower control threshold, propensity to erupt with heated fury, aggression and lower energy levels. As you know, there are three divisions within the Lesser School. There are differing considerations applicable to those three divisions.

1. The Lower Lesser Narcissist (“LLN”)

The Lower Lesser is lacking in intellect, a base individual who has limited employment prospects and history. Nothing by way of charm and governs those around him through either naked aggression or being a hapless victim to con some individual into mothering him or her. He is likely to have a reliance on alcohol and drugs, he sponges off people and defaults regularly on debts and the like. He is regarded as a good for nothing by many people, a hapless loser who is an inelegant bully who uses brute force to get his way if Somatic and a pathetic malingerer if he is of the Victim Cadre.

The Lower Lesser will have a small fuel matrix. This most likely will consist of the following:-

a. A primary source. This is not necessarily an intimate primary source. The LLN is more likely than any other school of narcissist to install a family member as the primary source. In some instances this may actually be an intimate family primary source, since incest is being committed. The LLN’s sense of entitlement, very low energy levels and lack of attracting factors, means that he will bully an individual into such a role. By reason of the familial connection the LLN does not need to engage in seduction and therefore he will use aggression to force the victim from being a Non-Intimate Secondary Source into an Intimate Family Source.

If incest is not part of this dynamic, the LLN is still likely to have ensnared a family member as primary source, again because there is no need for seduction and the familial connection is established.

If the LLN has an Intimate Partner Primary Source (not familial) they are unlikely to excel in any regard and will be plain grateful for the attention of the narcissist. Their victim is highly likely to have special traits and be damaged in some way which means their ensnarement was easy for the low energy LLN.

The IPPS of an LLN is the mainstay fuel source for the LLN. He has a heavy reliance on this person because the LLN is unlikely to work and therefore will be around the victim more than usual and also because his fuel matrix is limited (as will be seen). He looks to the IPPS not only for fuel, but of course character traits and residual benefits. He has a considerable reliance on this person and most of his effort will be focused on controlling this person to ensure they continue to comply with his wishes.

b. There will be a small number of familial secondary sources. It is highly likely that the narcissist will have alienated certain family members and therefore they either do not form part of the fuel matrix or if they do, it is purely from the perspective of providing negative fuel as the LLN will consider them as painted ‘black’. Those family members which are painted ‘white’ will be few in number. They will find their relationship with the LLN to be prone to volatility given the very low control threshold.

c. There will either be no colleague secondary sources (because the LLN does not work) or if he does, they will be limited in number, being likely to number only a couple. The lack of charm and ability of the LLN means he is unable to cultivate an extensive network through the world of work.

d. The LLN will similarly only have a couple of social secondary sources as friends owing to the inability to sustain a wider network and his latent volatility so that friends are lashed out at following the ignition of fury and then remain distant from the narcissist, unwilling to be subjected to a further bout of verbal and physical aggression.

e. In terms of Intimate Partner Secondary Sources, the LLN will secure them but there will rarely be more than one. The IPSS is likely to be drawn from a close network (for example sister in law or best friend of the IPPS) again because of the smaller social and familial network which the LLN inhabits and low energy levels which means the LLN will not put tremendous effort into securing new sources.

f. In terms of tertiary sources, the LLN will have a low number of those also. This is because the LLN will either spend most of his time at home or if he works and has some external interests they will be limited in nature and therefore he will not interact extensively with tertiary sources.

The LLN has a small fuel matrix. He risks loss of secondary sources on a repeated basis and will struggle to replace them. The burden placed on the primary source is extensive and in such situations the LLN is likely to keep an IPPS in place throughout a long period of devaluation as he struggles to find a replacement for this person.

The Middle Lesser Narcissist (“MLN”)

The MLN is similar to the LLN but he will have a slightly higher cognitive function, he will have a better degree of control on his fury (whilst still not significant since he is after all still a Lesser). He is a charm-free zone still, aggressive but more likely to have regular employment and a better energy level.

The fuel matrix for the MLN is not extensive however. This will consists of

a. A primary source. Again this is likely to be a family member and if not, the IPPS will be kept in place through reliance on the narcissist and fear arising from displays of naked aggression. The IPPS will be frightened of the MLN which will result in much of the fuel (both positive and negative) being provided out of a sense of obligation and fear. Just like the LLN, the IPPS will be heavily relied on by the MLN.

b. Familial secondary sources will be similar to the situation of the LLN described above.

c. Work secondary sources are more likely than the LLN. They will still be low in number, rarely being more than a half-dozen since the MLN will be regarded with some wariness by those who are regarded as friends who have witnessed (albeit not been on the receiving end of the MLN’s ignited fury) which means they take the view that they are better staying onside with the MLN than being the subject of their notorious temper.

d. Social secondary sources will also be limited in a similar way to that as the work secondary sources. The MLN will go out more often than the LLN, but his interests are not varied and will include certain regular haunts (for instance a local bar, the race track, the gun range, a sporting venue, the gym and so forth). There will be a reasonable turnover of social secondary sources caused by the repeated ignition of fury from the MLN owing to the low control threshold. Those friends who remain friends do so for similar reasons as explained at (c) above. The MLN has some success in replacing those social secondary sources he loses. He will engage with the social secondary sources on a regular basis – for instance one or two nights a week in the same bar, or playing darts or bowls with a similar group. He may draw some respect from elements of the social secondary source circle as a consequence of directing his aggressions against a third party to the benefit of a secondary source. That is purely serendipity for the MLN and not an conscious act.

e. The MLN will have an IPSS, usually just the one, during devaluation of the IPPS. He has some interests and financial clout which gives him a degree of appeal and his swaggering confidence, although based on little, will draw some in.

f. The MLN will have a number of tertiary sources and will regularly draw both positive and negative fuel from these tertiary sources. The MLN is less concerned with the façade (as all Lessers are) compared to the Mid-Range and Greater of our kind and therefore will readily abuse, piss-take and denigrate tertiary sources in the community.

g. The MLN is also likely to make use of intimate tertiary sources as a consequence of one-night stands and the use of prostitutes if he is a Somatic MLN.

The Upper Lesser Narcissist (“ULN”)

The ULN is an interesting division. Whilst in the Lesser category because of the use of aggression (usually physically and sexually) and also having a low control threshold, the ULN is above the LLN and MLN in terms of cognitive function. Indeed his cognitive function would be better than that of a Lower Mid-Ranger and in some instances a Middle Mid-Ranger. However, the use of violence, aggression and the low control threshold mean that he belongs very much in the lesser school.

The ULN is an individual who is not academically bright and may well have left formal education with little to show for it. He is however street smart, savvy and wily. The ULN makes an effective businessman. He will not have the polished charm of the Greater or the cool considered intellect of the higher reaches of the Mid-Ranger, but he as a degree of charisma and is best considered a rough diamond.

He will not be a captain of industry, academic or professional but more likely to run his own small or medium sized enterprise. He is intolerant, driven and bullying but this achieves him success and he may quite well off. He will be disliked by those who hold positions in society, since he lacks the finesse and good manners associated with education and good breeding but his money remains good for many occasions and therefore he will be tolerated (although talked about behind his back) at the golf club for instance. He regards himself as well regarded by everybody in his community, unable to detect the sneers and down-the-nose looks he receives at his crass behaviour. He is direct, to the point and forthright. He is a serial embellisher, stiffs people in business, reneges on arrangements but considers all of this part and parcel of the cut and thrust of dynamic business.

Of all the Lessers, the ULN has a wider fuel matrix.

a. He is far less likely to have a primary source who is a family member. He will have an IPPS and he will use his financial resources to assist him in luring in a suitable individual to become IPPS. There is a risk that the ULN is likely to snare a Lesser or Mid-Range Narcissist himself, failing to recognise them, as an IPPS. He will rely heavily on the IPPS because ultimately he is a Lesser Narcissist and will ensure this person stays in place through intimidation, the threat of financial ruin and violence (physical and/or sexual).

b. In terms of familial secondary sources, the ULN will have a wider number of these sources than the LLN and MLN but there will be other family members who have fallen foul of his temper and intolerance and they will remain as scapegoats. He will relish the opportunity to draw negative fuel from these individuals and rather than ignore them, he will actively invite them to family events which he hosts purely for the purposes of showing them up and making them a scapegoat. They refuse invitations at their peril.

c. With regard to work secondary sources, if the ULN is employed he will have secured a low management position of some description and will operate through a combination of thinking he is one of the gang but then upbraiding people when his fury is ignited. This makes for a difficult environment for those who work with him. His degree of cunning also means that he will be difficult to usurp. If, which is more likely, he has his own business, then he will make great play of regarding his dozen or so employees as the ‘family’ and he will draw fuel from them repeatedly but always through the unequal relationship that exists since he is the boss.

d. The ULN has a social network of both inner and outer circle friends (the LLN and MLN will only have inner circle friends) . The ULN will use his better financial position and perceived standing in the community to generate more social connections through neighbours, members of clubs and such like and therefore will have a social secondary source circle (both inner and outer circle) of between a dozen and two dozen people. He is swift to discard those he regards as unworthy to remain in it and finds new recruits with comparative ease.

e. The ULN will have one or more IPSSs (especially if Somatic) as again his financial clout will assist him with seduction. He regards himself as attractive and irresistible and possessing a higher energy level than the LLN and MLN he will engage in more social activities and therefore has more hunting grounds for the acquisition of an IPSS or IPSSs when the IPPS is being devalued.

f. With the increased financial clout and his perceived role as community hero, the ULN will engage with many tertiary sources. He will largely appear favourable to them as he has some regard to maintaining a façade but given his Lesser status, aggression and low control threshold he will also relish a degree of notoriety so that people are wary of getting on his wrong side. He will often lash out at tertiary sources given his inability to control his ignited fury.

Part Two examines the fuel matrices of the Mid-Ranger school.

 

Spectral

spectral

Whether you believe in ghosts or not, we certainly behave with certain similar attributes. We appear out of thin air. It is similar to how you can never remember the beginning of a dream can you? You cannot remember quite how we appeared. We just did. We seemed to coalesce into your life with the ease of a ghost walking through a wall. We arrive and ghost into your life. In the same way as seeing a ghost, when you experience us, it is not an event that you will forget in a hurry. We sidle up to you, insert ourselves into our lives and make connection after connection with you as we feed from you. Like some wraith we attach outselves to you and steadily begin to suck the life force from you as we gorge on the fuel that you provide.

Often we will vanish just as we arrived, without any warning or announcement and try as you might you cannot find us again. It is as if we have disappeared off the face of the earth. Naturally we chose the moment of our vanishing act without any concern for its effect on you. We slip away like a mist evaporating. Once we were everywhere, woven around you and captivating you. Much in the same way as one might be transfixed by the appearance of some spirit. You are entranced by our appearance, there is something ethereal and mysterious about us that causes you to be drawn to us and then we are gone.

We are that elusive spirit that can now not be found. You might go to the same place where we first manifested but there is no sign of us. We have left no footprint, no trace of our existence when you try and seek us out, just like our spectral cousins and then suddenly we have returned. We ghost back into your life and continuing our haunting of you. We are incessant and ever present, drifting about you as we resume our extraction of fuel. We resume our draining of your spirit, leeching it from you as our cold, dead hands take hold of you once again.

People have many theories as to what ghosts are if they indeed exist. Some suggest that where there has been a sudden explosion of emotion, a heightened experience, then an imprint has been made on the fabric of existence. This imprint appears to those who are attuned to seeing it. That imprint is seen doing the same thing over and over again. It walks the same route, passes through the same wall and then vanishes only to appear the next night in the same place. The spirit follows the same routine like a piece of video film stuck in an endless loop. Just like such a ghost we engage in the same behaviours over and over again. The same actions all designed to haunt you as we extract our fuel. The same gestures, the same actions all of which must be replayed. Some believe that a ghost is the soul of someone who has suffered eternal damnation. He or she has been denied entry to heaven or hell and instead has been consigned to walk the earth for eternity, stuck in an unceasing routine. Our endless quest for fuel finds us in such a similar position. We must make our way through life, restless and never finding peace. We move from place to place, unable to rest and be satisfied. Instead we are driven onwards, plagued by the curse of our need for fuel. Thus we must haunt others, our appearance bringing dread and fear in the same way as terror follows the appearance of a spectre.

Unable to quite fit in we are ghost at the feast. Even when we have vanished there is a lingering coldness that strikes you to your core. You still sense us, able to feel the effect of our chilling appearance. You are wary and anxious as you know we will appear once again. Quite when is a mystery but as we first arrived and as we first disappeared we will ghost into your life and continue our haunting of you. Better consult that exorcist.