The Man Who Would Be King (The Mid Range Narcissist Who Thinks He Is a Greater Narcissist)
The Narcissist Has Turned My Children Against Me : What Do I Do?
This is a collection of my work which has proven of considerable assistance to the victims of narcissists. I know how valuable my work is, however, this body of work has been selected not by me, but chiefly by my readers, the victims of narcissists.
From those who are struggling with leaving a spouse who is a narcissist, to those who occupied the position of a Dirty Little Secret and were always on the outside looking in. From those who found themselves as the scapegoat child to a narcissist parent through to the individual managing a narcissist making life difficult for them at work. From those ensnared with a brutal Lower Lesser through to those entangled with a whining Middle Mid-Range Narcissist, this work is the product of the feedback and recommendations of victims.
It is the Platinum Collection because these works represent the very best of the very best. My work is unrivalled in terms of its insight, accessibility, accuracy and effectiveness. My work is extensive and following suggestions from my readers and those who have consulted with me, they wanted to ensure that both they and other people could go straight to a sizeable collection of work which deliver success to them. They wanted people to be able to find my work and the most effective parts of it to aid their understanding and assist them on their march to freedom.
This is a collection for new readers who will embark on a jaw-dropping excursion which will enable them to make sense, finally, of the mayhem and madness of the narcissist´s world.
This is a collection for existing readers which will stand guard to their Logical Thinking and act as antidote to their Emotional Thinking to ensure that it is reduced to the minimum and kept there. It should be used as a reference guide, a place of knowledge and understanding and something to return to as that accursed Emotional Thinking reduces. This is because as you reduce that Emotional Thinking you will see things through the lens of logic, you will see new things and start to understand more and more.
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The Malice Campaign is feared by many who have entangled with a narcissist. It is however misunderstood, both in terms of what it looks like, why it is used and what you can do about it. Rather than be paralysed by fear and mired in confusion, you need to understand what the Malice Campaign looks like, you need to be able to recognise when it is happening and just as importantly, when it is not actually happening so that you can gain reassurance and peace of mind. You also need to know what you can do to avoid them and what you can do when they are being used against you so you can gain control and freedom.
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What does a Malice Campaign actually consist of?
When does a Malice Campaign happen?
Am I actually on the receiving end of a Malice Campaign?
How to recognise that it is a Malice Campaign?
Why might I be mistaken about the Malice Campaign and if I am, what is actually going on?
Why is the narcissist using it against me?
What caused the Malice Campaign?
What do I do about the Malice Campaign?
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We love to triangulate. Three is the magic number. You, me and someone else or something else. Another victim? A competitor? A loyal lieutenant? A fresh prospect? An imaginary individual? A threatened event? An inanimate object? There are so many combinations of triangulation that are available to us and each has their own advantages and rewards for their application for us. In this equation there will always be us, there will always be you and then there will be third party.
One of our effective manipulative triangulations involves the “normals”. These are people who are neither empathic or narcissistic but people who are generally decent, sensible and largely kind who may be supporters of yours, they may be members of our façade but whatever they are they are not you and they are not us. These are the people who you turn to when you can no longer stand what is happening to you. When you cannot understand what is going on.
When the confusion becomes overwhelming. When you begin to sense something is not quite right. You turn to these normal in the hope of them helping you, understanding your plight and/or offering some insight. This is rarely achieved because you are met with responses which leave you wondering whether the person you have just spoken to is blind or stupid. Here are ten instances of this in action.
I don’t believe it
Victim – “He is horrible to me, he never lets me do anything on my own anymore, he shouts and calls me awful names.”
Normal – “Really? I just can’t see Nigel behaving like that, he is always so lovely and friendly whenever I see him. I cannot believe he would do that.”
Are You Bringing It On Yourself?
V – “I am sick of him controlling me. I try and assert myself, you know, lay down some boundaries, but he is always telling me to shut up and calm down and doing what he wants without any consideration for me.”
N – “Well you have always been feisty my dear, maybe you are provoking him and that’s why he is behaving that way. I don’t mean to be unkind but you do have a bit of temper you know.”
Not This Again
V- “He has done it again. Disappeared. I have been ringing him on the hour every hour and he won’t answer. I don’t know what it is. I mean, everything seemed okay when we got up this morning, he smiled and asked me if I wanted a cup of tea (cue detailed analysis of every word and interaction thereafter)
N – Glazes over, thinks to themselves “Not this again. I am bored of hearing this. They will be talking again by tomorrow. She worries over nothing.”
I Feel Sorry for Him
V – “So he did this, then that, then this again and he always does this you know. He is horrible, Horrible I tell you. I don’t know what to do. Oh he did this as well and some more of that.”
N – Thinks to themselves “I feel sorry for him putting up with someone so neurotic as her. No wonder he clears off for a few days, probably needs the peace and quiet.”
Someone Is Exaggerating
V – “No word of a lie, he locked me in the bedroom and threatened to burn the house down with me inside and I heard him laughing as he said this to me. I am so scared of him. He keeps threatening to kill me. He rings me at work and comments about how my brakes are dodgy and laughs and puts the ‘phone down.”
N – Thinks to themselves “Sure he does, nobody goes on like that, I do like my friend but she is something of an attention seeker. Every other day there is one of these stories.”
I Don’t Think So
V – “So he said that if I didn’t do it he would tell everybody in the church that I was sleeping with the vicar and he would post pictures of me on the internet.”
N – “Who Norman? No way, he is such a solid and respectable man. I don’t think he would ever do anything like that. No, I have known him years, he would never do anything like that.”
He Did Say She Was Crazy
V – “He hides my purse so I cannot go out, he tells me what I can and cannot eat, he won’t allow me more than a minute in the shower and stands watching me while I wash. He follows me around the house and keeps staring at me, I can even feel him watching me when I manage to slip out for a while. I know he is following me.”
N- Thinks to themselves “It’s just as Neil predicted. He said she was losing her mind and coming out with all these fantastic stories. He is genuinely worried about her and I can see why now. Poor thing. Poor him too.”
Ups and Downs
V – “He sometimes doesn’t speak to me for days on end. He just sits and sulks and ignores me. It is horrible. I hate it.”
N- “Oh that’s just men for you. They all do that at some point. It’s part of the ups and downs of being in a relationship, just ignore it and get on with your day, he will soon come round, you will see.”
Don’t Involve Me
V- “Hi it’s me, can I come round to see you. I need to talk to someone. He is doing it again. He has spent the last two hours shouting at me and throwing plates around the kitchen. I am sick of this, I cannot cope.”
N – “I’d love to help but I er, have an appointment. Look I have to go; I will call you later” – I’m not getting drawn into their domestic dramas I have my own life to look after.
I Haven’t a Clue
V- (After lengthy description of a catalogue of odd and strange behaviour) “So what do you think, what should I do? I cannot go on like this.”
N- “I don’t know what to say really, I can’t work out why he would be lovely with you one week and then awful the next, it does add up. Perhaps if you sat down together and tried to work things out.” (I haven’t a clue what is going on here.)
Not once does the “normal” turn to you and say,
“You are being abused by a disordered person.”
“You have been ensnared by a narcissist.”
Instead when you describe the behaviour to a “normal” you are met with one or more of the responses detailed above. We know this will be the case. We know it will leave you hurt, bewildered and lacking the help and insight you so desperately need. Why do people respond like this?
Lack of knowledge. Fortunately for our kind few people really know what we are and what we do.
We don’t walk around with a sign around our neck stating “I am an abusive narcissist”. We blend in. People think the psychopaths and sociopaths appear like some crazed axe-murderer. We do not.
People although kind are not empathic like you. Therefore, there is a limit to the time and resource they will apply to assisting you. People are inward looking and care more about their own lives than yours.
The façade. Our charm and magnetism has people believing us to be wonderful and decent people. That façade is hard to shatter.
Your coping abilities are eroded and you are worn out. This makes you appear unhinged, hysterical and thus in keeping with the image that we have spread around that you are The Crazy One.
A Quiet Life. People do not like conflict. They want people to get on and do not want to become involved in other people’s problems.
Behind Closed Doors. People always take the view that there are two sides to every story. They will listen to you but they will think there is likely to be some explanation which means it is not as bad as you are making it out to be. You are provoking the abuser, you are making it up, you are being too sensitive and taking things the wrong way. The “normal” thinks life may be different behind closed doors.
People want other people to get on and therefore in order to try to preserve the peace they will suggest that the behaviour is not as bad as has been suggested and pressure the victim to go home and sort things out, unaware it is not something that can be sorted out by having a chat and a cup of tea.
The tales of abuse and awful treatment seem far-fetched that the “normal” cannot believe them. They have no experience of it and combined with the existence of the façade just cannot see how someone could behave in this way.
All of this results in you trying to persuade people without success which becomes all the more frustrating and distressing for you. Naturally, we know fine well how people will respond to your protestations and the lack of understanding and knowledge about our kind allows us to blend in, move freely around and continue to behave in this manner with impunity. You are left wondering if the listener is blind or stupid. They are not stupid. But they are blinded to what we really are.
So to the Greater. What does the imposition of No Contact feel like to him and how does he respond to the threat of such an imposition? Let us begin with you telling the Greater that the Formal Relationship has ended and you convey this message in person. To set the scene, imagine a timid and apprehensive person stepping into the lair of the dragon.
The black-scaled dragon, sulphuric fumes rising from him as he watches the advancing person, his glittering dark eyes are keen slits of observation. He misses nothing. This dragon is vast, an embodiment of power and destruction, long claws resting on the symbols of his magnificence, the low light gleaming on those impenetrable scales, the fangs protruding from the cavernous mouth.
This dragon is in its domain and knows it rules all that it surveys as this nervous person approaches, message held in trembling hand. This dragon already knows what is written on that message, he is particularly perceptive and recognises from the demeanour and body language of the approaching person that this is not someone bearing good news, but rather the opposite. Yet, such is his power, his magnificence, he remains unperturbed. He knows his might.
“Yessssss,” he says in that charming purr of a voice as he indicates for the messenger to make his delivery. The messenger swallows and unfurls the scroll and starts to read. The dragon listens, impassive, no hint of what is going on beneath the surface is evident to anybody observing, but so much is happening. This is the scene when you decide to deliver the news to the Greater that the Formal Relationship is over.
The Greater will listen to you. Your nervousness, possible fearfulness and borderline apologetic behaviour is already fuelling him. If somehow you are able to muster anger to propel the delivery of your message, your bristling indignation fuels him too. He has no need to erupt like the Lesser. He will allow you to say your piece.
Be in no doubt that the Greater will not welcome this news at all. Your words may be fuelling him, tinged as they are with anger or fear, but your intended action is one huge criticism to him. You are daring to reject him. You have the audacity to tell him that it is over.
This is igniting his fury but you will not see it because the Greater is able to exert significant control over this fury ( also aided by the fuelled words you are providing) and therefore whilst the fury is churning away under the surface, the Greater is calculating and evaluating. He will listen to what is said and understand your concerns. Of course he will not accept them. How dare someone as inferior as you seek to challenge and blame someone as mighty as him but nevertheless he is no fool and as a consequence he will listen to what is said ready to pick your words apart.
Remaining in control you can expect to receive a Preventative Hoover which is unparalleled amongst our kind. We do not want to lose you as a primary source of fuel, this would amount to an even greater criticism than the threat of you doing so. This would wound us and weaken us through the cessation of our primary source of fuel. Accordingly, we will deploy a Preventative Hoover. This will manifest to you as a major charm offensive. You can expect to be told: –
“Nobody loves you the way that I do and I could not bear to lose you.”
“Why destroy all this for the sake of an argument or two?”
“I have given you so much but this is just the start.”
“There is a whole world for you and I to conquer together.”
“People look at us and they are envious of what we have, you do know that don’t you?”
“Why sacrifice what we have? Ask yourself, is it really worth it?”
“Don’t listen to what they say, they do not know just how much my love for you burns now, after all this time. You are all that matters to me.”
“Don’t spoil things, just as we were making a start.”
“I adore you. I love you. You are the one for me.”
“There are so many others who would give anything to be with me, but do you know what? I do not want them. I want you.”
“Let’s not argue, let’s go to bed.”
Note that there is no contrition in these statements. The Greater is not going to accept any blame here, not even false contrition, not yet. Observe also that any concerns you may have expressed about our behaviour will have been relegated to a position of insignificance, brushed over and largely ignored. This is because in the mind of the Greater you are privileged to be with us and your complaints really ought not to be made. Instead, the Greater will rely on using his charm and magnetism to underline his love for you, how wonderful things really are being in a relationship with him and that in essence, you would be a fool to go anywhere else.
Allied to this charm the Greater will also unleash some additional future faking. The Greater loves bribery and the promise of magnificence. He has delivered already during the golden period and we know that you want this again, so we will dangle this promised land in front of you. You can expect to be told: –
“Look, let’s book a holiday, you can choose. We can go away and you will see how right you were to stay with me.”
“It is a pity that you feel this way because I was about to propose to you.”
“I am disappointed really as I was looking at houses only yesterday for us to buy together.”
“The future for us is bright, do you realise that? Few couples are so fortunate to have what we have.”
“You cannot do this. I said to myself only yesterday that I wanted to grow old with you.”
“I hope you reconsider as I wanted to take you on a shopping spree, after all you deserve to be treated don’t you?”
Promises, future treasures and delights all dangled in front of you and so, so tempting.
The Preventative Hoover that the Greater will use will feel almost like a monologue. You will not be allowed to depart. The Greater will position himself between you and the door, he will gently take you by the arm and lead you to sit down, he will lock the car doors if this conversation takes place there and he will take such steps to ensure you are not given the opportunity to walk away easily.
He will not be aggressive in taking such steps, instead he will act with apparent warmth and gentleness, his mouth moving as he continues his charming speech so that you barely notice he is moving you away from the front door. The Greater will keep going and going and going. He has the cognitive function, the energy levels and also he will be feeding off the fuel you will be giving him.
You cannot help but smile at the charming comments, the resurrection of memories you and he have together, your eyes will betray you and he will use that fuel to power this Preventative Hoover.
Whereas the Lesser uses violence to shock you into submission and prevent your departure, the Greater will grind you down. It is almost hypnotic how he will say the same thing but in a thousand different ways, touching you here and there, smiling, charming and eroding your will and resistance.
He knows how good he is at doing this. He did it before when he deployed the seduction hoover in the very beginning. He will remind you of all the good things, using those matters he has filed carefully away, extracting them now as he creates a show reel of all the best parts of the relationship. Each time you try to raise a complaint, he will shush you into submission, his calculating mind knowing which reassuring expression to wear.
The Greater adopts the position that you are just a silly fool who does not know better. That you might have had your head turned by the seditious whispers of others, but this is not a concern. He will dismiss concerns, wave away worries and downplay detractions. Everything is under control. He is the generous benefactor who knows the world far better than you and you should just smile, do as you are told and everything will be alright.
The Greater has a slight concern about the threat to his primary source of fuel, but it is only slight. The reality is that he finds your threat more amusing to him because it allows him a further opportunity to engage in what he enjoys doing; controlling people. Like that mighty dragon who knows he could crush the messenger in an instant or incinerate him with flaming breath in the blink of an eye, the Greater knows that he could lash out at the victim, but he is enjoying drawing the fuel from his drawn out Preventative Hoover. It entertains him to see that “kitty has claws” as you threaten to walk out and leave.
We are not panicked, we remain in control and we are toying with you, nudging and coaxing you into changing your mind and remaining. This is why the charm offensive is unleashed. The Greater has no need, yet, to lash out, nor is he going to demean himself with pity plays, that is for weaker people than him. No, this threat will be extinguished by him engaging in charm, a peacock’s performance and once you have been worn down into submission and changed your mind, his supremacy his affirmed, his primary source is secured and all is well as the golden period is reinstated.
Understand though as the Greater leads you by the hand up the staircase to allow you to experience that passion between the sheets once again (causing you to believe that make-up sex is wonderful) he will shoot a glance at the mirror and those eyes will glint with malevolence. You have the golden period once again but your treachery has been noted and you will be punished for it once the devaluation starts again. You will be reminded of your foul traitorous behaviour and made to pay for it. We do not forget such things.
What though if this charm offensive for once fails us? This is the fourth time you have sought to escape and armed with superior knowledge and having undertaken proper preparation you are determined to see this through. How does the impending No Contact feel when you turn and walk towards that door?
The Greater will not apply a sob story. He will save those for the Follow Up Hoovers in due course when he is truly feeling sorry for himself at the loss of fuel. Instead, once the Greater realises that persuasion and charm has not worked and you are intent on leaving, the effect of this criticism starts to take its toll on us. Our control is beginning to slip. Not completely.
There is no sudden eruption of fury like the lesser but instead the mask of control slips and you will be subjected to malice. It is rare (although not unheard of) for the Greater to use physical violence. If he does it is more along the lines of pushing, pulling, a raised fist (but one which does not connect), spitting or a sudden grasp of the throat or a slap. The intention is not to cause significant physical harm because the Greater regards that as beneath him. He is also alive to the need to avoid harming his plausible deniability by leaving evidence of physical violence. Instead he manifests it as a threat of what he is capable of, of what might happen if he is pushed. Hissed threats will be made as you try to leave: –
“You can expect to lose your job if you walk out on me, I will see to it.”
“I will report you to your regulatory body if you leave.”
“Those videos will be plastered all over the internet.”
“Do you really want your parents to see those photographs and see their princess taking on three men at once?”
“Be a shame if some drugs turned up in your car wouldn’t it?”
“You can kiss good-bye to your licence to practise if you go through that door.”
The Preventative Hoover will shift from charm to malice in an instant, pushed by your move towards exiting and cutting off the primary supply of fuel. If you respond to these threats with fear, anger, defiance or upset, you will provide fuel and this will encourage the greater to continue. Whereas before he engaged in charm to wear you down, we will now engage in using malice to frighten you into submission and we will keep going and going until you have either given in or walked out.
If you give in we will be delighted and we will welcome you back to the fold with open arms, exhibiting the magnanimity that we believe we possess. You made a mistake, of course you did, but like a sinner who has come to repent, you are forgiven (but not really) and you are treated like a naughty child who has seen the error of her ways. The golden period is reinstated once again but there will be a price to pay further down the line.
Should you evade the charm offensive and also the malicious assault and still walk away from the Greater then one of two things will happen. Generally, with Lower Greaters an Initial Grand Hoover will shortly follow. The Formal Relationship has ended. The Greater wants his primary source back and therefore he will launch an IGH combining charm with contrition. The Upper Greater will be wounded by this cessation of fuel and mortally offended that someone could both decide to leave him and fail to succumb to his masterful powers. This will result in the Greater erupting in a frenzy. He will deploy smear campaigns against the victim, rally his coterie and lieutenants to ensure that repeated malign follow-up hoovers are launched. This is done with the intention of making your life a complete and utter misery so that you come crawling back asking for it to stop.
If the Initial Grand Hoover fails to charm/pity you into returning or the malicious campaign fails to batter you into submission then we will be placed into Chaos Mode as our fuel levels drop. Three things are placing us under considerable pressure at this point.
Our fuel levels are dropping because there is no longer a primary source;
We have used up energy through the IGH or malign hoovers;
The criticism from losing you and failing to restore you as a primary source has wounded us considerably.
Unlike the Lesser or Mid-Range who would risk entering depression and stupor at this point, the Greater still has sufficient resources to launch a survival bid. We will drain our supplementary sources of fuel turning to friends, family, colleagues and so forth as we frantically find a new primary source and once done we will achieve stability. Given the higher cognitive function of the Greater, the increased charm levels and calculating ability, we have the best chance at using these supplementary sources of fuel to power the seduction of a new primary source. Once that has been achieved there is stability and in due course consideration will turn (subject to the spheres of influence) to hoovering you again.
What happens if you fail to stand before us to deliver the message of cessation? Indeed, given the lengths we will go to as you have read above, if you do decide to escape a Greater you ought not to deliver the news in person. If you send a message or allow us to work it out that you have escaped, then the immediate reaction of the Greater will be to be wounded. The failure to realise you were on the cusp of leaving highlights a weakness in our perception and the fact you have chosen to leave us reinforces that you regard us as sub-standard, deficient in some way and it is a huge criticism. The fury will ignite but the Greater will still remain in control, but not for long. His immediate response will be to launch an Initial Grand Hoover to get you back using charm and on this occasion there will be more pity involved because the wounding will be greater.
If this IGH does not work, the wound increases, the fury becomes too great and the Greater will lose control and lash out with malign hoovers in order to draw fuel and stabilise or to cause you to come crawling back. If no fuel is yielded or you do not return, then the Greater will be pushed into Chaos Mode as described above and will drain supplementary sources and secure a new primary source as quickly as possible,
What if you have read my works and not only prepared for your departure but you have executed it in such a way that the Greater cannot even contact you. The IGH does not even get off the ground. The malign hoovers cannot be deployed because you cannot be contacted. In such an instance the Greater is in real danger because he has suffered repeated wounding criticisms: –
He did not anticipate the danger which offends his sense of omnipotence;
He has lost his primary source of fuel and is not only weakened by that but wounded by being so careless;
He could not contact the primary source and thus has been outwitted; and
His usual responses have been rendered impotent.
In such an instance the Greater will turn to supplementary sources immediately and secure a new primary source. It is usually the case (for the reasons outlined above) that the Greater is able to secure a new primary source pretty quickly and therefore achieve stability. If on the rare occasion this does not happen and there are no supplementary sources available to sustain him the construct will crumble and the Creature will be unleashed. The Greater will sink into a severe depression, almost becoming catatonic as his construct which he wanted the world to see has collapsed and the very thing which he does not want to be unleashed has escaped. I would reinforce that this is extremely rare because of the Greater’s ability to use supplementary sources and secure a primary source. Achieving the consignment to oblivion of the Greater through No Contact is very rare.
Suffice to say a successful departure and implementation of No Contact will almost slay the dragon and will result in the Greater becoming preoccupied with healing the wounds you have caused and focussing on his new primary source, giving you a period of respite, until such time as the conditions become right for further follow-up hoovers, but that is a different story.