All posts by HG Tudor

I am letting you see my worldview for your own protection.

Tirade

 

TIRADE1

 

“You’ve done what? I cannot believe it. What on earth possessed you to do that? Are you mad? Are you completely unhinged woman? Sweet Jesus I don’t believe what you just said to me. How many times have we been over this before? Countless times. Hell, I said it only yesterday didn’t I? I cannot believe you would be so stupid as to do something like this, it just beggars belief. You know I am starting to think that you do this on purpose don’t you? It’s no good shaking your head and staring at me like that, do you think I will feel sorry for you if you give me those eyes? Do you? I said DO YOU? Yes, you may as well shake your head again, it’s about as much as someone of your idiocy can do. I swear I am living with an epsilon semi-moron, have you always been this fucking dumb? I guess you have. It was such a simple thing to do, straight forward, a child could do it, but no not you, you had to go and be clever and go and royally fuck it up. You absolute idiot. You have ruined everything now; you do realise that don’t you? I mean it is completely ruined and how about that for a fantastic start eh? Yes, I am being sarcastic, I suppose I have to explain that to someone as brain dead as you. Jesus, why on earth have I been saddled with you. Don’t you fucking dare speak when I am speaking, you’ve done enough damage as it is, you will shut the fuck up and listen to me when I am setting you straight. I have pointed out to you so many bloody times what you should do and you assured me, you stood there and assured me that you knew what you were doing. That was a lie. I SAID SHUT UP AND DON’T INTERRUPT ME! I swear you want me to hit you don’t you? That’s what you are trying to do. Oh I know you alright, you think you are so damn clever but I have you worked out. I know what you are up to. That’s right, wind me up, get it wrong, disappoint and frustrate me and then you want me to explode and land myself in some hot water. Well it isn’t going to work with me. I am not stupid. I am not you, you know. I know what I am doing. I am the one that keep this place together, you would do well to remember that when you are busy ruining everything with your mind-blowing and monumental incompetence. It is breath taking. It truly is. I told you what to do. I told you once, I told you a hundred times and you said to me and I can specifically remember what you said, you said ‘don’t worry, I can be trusted to get it right’. Yes, that is what you said. It is no point looking like that, don’t pull that face with me, don’t you fucking dare, I am sick of you not showing me enough respect around here. I work my backside off to keep things afloat, not that you give me any credit for it though. Oh no, you are too busy taking the piss, fucking things up and spoiling it for everyone and especially for me. I don’t know what I am going to do now. I mean, you’ve just, I, I am almost lost for words. You see, not only have you cocked it right up but you have lied to me as well. I don’t know which is worse, but that’s you all over isn’t it. The liar, the deceiver, you flatter to deceive. Don’t think I don’t know what you get up to. I have my eye on you, yes, you would do well to look worried, I know all about you. What are you looking over there for? Look at me when I am talking to you. Look. At. Me. Oh here we go, the waterworks. If you have messed up and you are being corrected start crying and it will be all okay again. Well it won’t will it? It won’t be okay after what you have done. It won’t be fine. It won’t be good or great or fine and dandy. You have messed it up. I knew this would happen. I knew I shouldn’t have left it to you, but do you know what, I thought to myself, no, give her a chance, let her prove she can do it, let he demonstrate that she can be trusted to get it right, I mean, after all, that is what a relationship is all about isn’t it? Trust. Without trust there is nothing. Do you see what you have done? Do you? Do you really understand the impact of what you have done? Somehow I doubt it, that is why I am having to do this. Do you think I like shouting at you? What’s that? Were you going to nod then? Why you ungrateful and nasty bitch, you have some cheek to accuse me of enjoying this when I am the one who has to put up with the consequence of your outrageous incompetence. I am the one who is put out. I am the one who has to suffer. You will just walk away muttering about having understood, how you have learned your lesson and you won’t do it again but I may as well be speaking in Mandarin for all of the notice that you take. I told you to stop crying. If you don’t stop crying, I am going to seriously lose it with you. Christ, what am I going to do? You’ve messed it up and ruined it for me. You don’t care, you don’t. If you did care you wouldn’t keep doing this would you. You wouldn’t keep making these mistakes and winding me up. You are trying to send me to an early grave aren’t you so you can have all this to yourself aren’t you? Got some fancy man on the side have we? I bet that’s what this is all about isn’t it? Ruin me through your incompetence and then waltz off into the sunset with some Johnny Come Lately after I croak it, sent to an early grave by your scheming. You’d love that wouldn’t you, to see me off. You nasty cow, no wonder nobody likes you, no wonder nobody asks you out. Oh yes, we never get invited anywhere these days because of you and your behaviour and is it any wonder. You are a walking disaster area. I mean people put up with you, they did it for my sake, I have good friends like that, or should I say I had good friends like that but thanks to you they are disappearing like rats on a sinking ship. You won’t be happy will you until you have completely ruined everything for me will you. That’s what you want. You want me on my knees, gasping for breath, miserable and wretched as you cavort and carry on with some other mug that you have seduced and promised the world to. I can’t believe I fell for it, but then I guess you keep the real you hidden don’t you, tucked away until you have your feet under the table, your name on the deeds and the joint Amex account. Well you are not that clever because you won’t beat me. I am cleverer than you. I am going to make you pay for what you have done. I am the one who is in charge here, this is my house and you do what I say. I am going to unleash hell against you after this catastrophe, it is an outrage, a complete outrage. I pity our neighbours having to put up with this, but you make me do it, it is all about you. I am not fooled by the frightened looks and the tears, other people might be taken in by it, but I am not. I know it is all for show. You disgust me, you scheming, manipulative, hateful cow. I curse the day I met you. Now look, you’ve made me late, thanks a bunch, that’s all I need. I’m going and don’t think I’ve finished; this is far from over.”

Silence.

“I thought you would prefer raspberry jam to marmalade,” you say softly to nobody in particular.

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The Parental Hoover

THEPARENTALHOOVER

 

Whilst many people experience our kind in the context of the romantic relationship, there are also many people whose experience of the narcissistic dynamic arises from their relationship with a parent. Naturally, nobody recognises at first blush that they have a narcissistic parent. When somebody is a child, they have nothing to benchmark it against and invariably it is usually the case that enlightenment only arises once the child has become an adult.

Sometimes it takes that person to become entangled with a narcissist in a romantic relationship before they are awakened to the fact that they have so been entangled. As part of their enlightenment as to the fact that one of our kind ensnared them through the auspices of a romantic relationship, the individual then also realises that one (or possibly both) of their parents is a narcissist. It takes the coupling with a narcissist in a romantic sense to bring about that realisation. For others, it is the comparison between their relationship with that parent and how they see the relationship of their friends with their parents, or the relationship between their significant other (who is not a narcissist) and his or her parents, to cause them to question the behaviour of their parent which eventually takes them along the path to discovery.

For my own part, it was not until I was shown by an ex-girlfriend what I was, that I realised that MatriNarc was also of our brethren. It was an unusual moment. On the one hand I now had a label to apply to myself, courtesy of the non-judgemental observations of that informed girlfriend. I was pleased with this label as it enabled me to understand more about what I was, although it was not something I planned on sharing. Yet, as I understood how my behaviours fitted with the model of behaviour to which she had directed me, I also realised that my mother was similar and thus also was one of us. A different type of narcissist, but one nevertheless. Such a revelation admittedly stunned me but I soon buried such thoughts as they served no purpose. There was no point dwelling on what had occurred in the past, that was redundant and only going to take me to a place that I had long since escaped. Instead, I focused on my new understanding and how I should now apply this knowledge to my advantage. Thus, that is what I did as I began my journey post university, entering the world of work (aside from summer jobs and the like) and continuing to ensnare unwitting victims romantically, socially and even through the merest of interactions.

Through this time I sought to exercise my independence from MatriNaric who of course sought to exert it as often as she could. I attended university, like many, away from the place where I grew up and therefore this represented the first weakening of the control that MatriNarc had exerted over me. Of course, those elongated holidays meant a return to the mother ship and her continuing machinations and it was only when I commenced my first position on the career ladder of my chosen profession and with that came the necessity of being based in a city, that I truly started to pull away from her grip.

As you would expect, she would not allow that grip to be relinquished with ease and so it is with all parental narcissists. Just like the viewpoint of the romantic relationship narcissist, the parental narcissist considers that you, his or her child belongs to him or her until death. Indeed, whilst those in a romantic liaison with us may sever the Formal Relationship this is far less likely where the dynamic is between parent and adult child. The adult child feels a sense of obligation borne out of the familial tie. How often have you said,

“She is my mother, I can’t NOT invite her to the christening.”

“I know she can be a pain, but she is my mother after all.”

“He is bound to cause a scene but he is my father and well, it would just feel wrong if he was not there.”

“It will cause too many questions if my dad doesn’t attend.”

Such is the sense of obligation which is imbued by the familial link. The narcissist knows of this sense of obligation and moreover relies on it. That is why there is no seduction between narcissistic parent and child (leaving aside those arrangements where incest arises, which is not the purpose of this article) because the existing familial connection supplants the need for seduction. The victim is already tied to the narcissist through blood and you are never allowed to forget that fact.

This tight binding of victim to narcissist does not end there. The existence of the other parent (usually not a narcissist) also causes the victim to remain exposed and bound to the narcissistic parent. Perhaps some of these comments will be familiar to you?

“I put up with my dad for my mum’s sake.”

“I feel sorry for my dad having to deal with my mum.”

“I only see my dad because I love my mum and want to spend time with her.”

“I do it for my children so they see their grandfather, otherwise I would not bother with my mum.”

Unlike the romantic coupling where, once you realise that this person is an abuser (if you have not worked out that they are one of us) you may well escape and aside from the usual concerns and vulnerabilities which come with the empathic victim in such an instance, you make good that escape, the familial ensnarement brings with it a collateral consequence; the other parent. Whilst you may consider quite readily abandoning the narcissistic parent, once you have become alive to what he or she is and how this will not change, your planned escape is hampered by the consequential impact on the other parent who is not a narcissist. Like the dedicated platoon which ‘leaves no man behind’, you are also kept in the grip of the narcissistic parent because of your obligations towards your other parent who is not one of our kind. Once again, do not underestimate the narcissist’s knowledge of this sense of obligation. They will be unlikely to realise that they are a narcissist, but they know how to exploit your relationship with the other parent to their advantage.

Whilst devaluation is a frequent occurrence within the dynamic between the parent narcissist and the adult child, discard is fairly rare. The dynamic between parent and child falls into one of three categories:-

 

  1. The adult child is an intimate partner primary source – rare;
  2. The adult child is a non-intimate partner primary source – unusual; or
  3. The adult child is a non-intimate secondary source – common

With most interactions falling into the third category, the adult child will be relied upon as an intermittent, but frequent provider of fuel. The narcissistic parent will also look to gather traits (for instance living through the success of the adult child) and utilise residual benefits (especially as the narcissistic parent ages).

In a non-familial dynamic, the narcissist tends to interact largely with the secondary source victim in benign ways to gain positive fuel, for instance:-

  1. A secondary source who is a friend will be invited to social events and spend time with the narcissist;
  2. A secondary source who is a colleague will also be invited to social events, but will be relied on by virtue of the existing obligation which arises out of the work dynamic;
  3. A secondary source who is also an intimate source will be picked up to use for social events, intimacy, spending time together. For instance, a person the narcissist is having an affair with, a friend with benefits or a dirty little secret.

In those instances the narcissist offers a benign hoover

“Do you fancy going to the pub tonight?”

“I can meet you at the hotel at 3pm this afternoon.”

“I have tickets for that new play, I hope you want to come.”

“I have not seen you in ages, how about lunch?”

“Can we get our heads together to discuss the new project?”

And consequently the victim will almost always respond to this hoover, interact with the narcissist and provide the positive fuel. The narcissist will have a range of secondary sources so the reliance on one particular secondary source is intermittent. This means the positive fuel remains fresh for far, far longer and therefore the golden period can continue for a long time.

With the situation where the narcissist interacts with a familial secondary source, the victim may well be a golden child or a scapegoat. In either instance, the parental narcissist considers there to be an obligation borne out of the familial tie so that the secondary source should not actually need to be hoovered. Since the range of familial secondary sources will be far fewer than secondary sources as a whole, the familial secondary source is EXPECTED to make themselves available for fuel provision et al. Whilst they may no longer live with the parental narcissist this does not matter. The adult child who is a secondary source should attend without prompting to provide fuel to the parental narcissist. For instance, it is expected they will come over for Sunday lunch each week or visit at least once a month for the weekend if they live a distance away. There ought to be weekly, perhaps daily telephone calls/skype/facetime. They expect to be messaged first to be asked how they are, whether they need anything and so forth. If these expected routine events where fuel is provided are not adhered to, then the parental narcissist will deploy a hoover to bring about the interaction and of course the required reaction which provides fuel.

The parental hoover may be benign in nature (which is usually used for the golden child) but also malign. The latter type of hoovers vary to the degree by which malignancy is used. Some may be mild, intending to prick the conscience of the recipient adult child and others especially savage in order to provoke an outraged or alarmed response. The malign parental hoover has one key ingredient ; it invariably causes the child to have to parent the parent. This of course should come as no surprise to the seasoned scholars of the narcissistic dynamic. The parental narcissist remains the vulnerable child which manifests when fuel levels begin to dip and thus the hoover deployed to the adult child is designed to trigger that long-held obligation of the adult child to parent their parent, something they have done for as long as they might care to remember.

It is often the case that a parental narcissist will have given rise to the creation of a child narcissist which in the fullness of time becomes an adult child narcissist. This individual does not escape the demands of the parental narcissist. They still have fuel to provide and most parental narcissists do not know what they are and therefore do not recognise themselves in the adult child narcissist, thus the interaction will continue, often with explosive consequences.

Thus, the parental hoover is a frequently used manipulation which is deployed by the parental narcissist for the purposes of exerting control over the adult child and for the gathering of precious fuel. What do these hoovers look like? There are many of them and here are just a number of examples.

Benign Parental Hoovers

  1. Holding a celebration for the achievements of the golden child;
  2. Wanting the golden child to show what they have done or explain their latest promotion, show their painting etc to both the parents and third parties who have been summoned;
  3. An impromptu BBQ because it is a ‘lovely summer’s day’;
  4. To celebrate the birthday of the golden child;
  5. Wanting to share good news with the golden child;
  6. Seeking the advice of the golden child if they are a specialist in some area – for instance investment advice;
  7. Wanting to effect an introduction to or for the golden child which places the parental narcissist in a good light for being the deal maker;
  8. Identifying a problem and wondering if the golden child might possibly have the time to resolve it for them;
  9. Identifying (or fabricating) a family problem involving triangulation with another relative (usually the scapegoat) and seeking the good office of the golden child to resolve the issue;
  10. Having some spare tickets (which are not spare at all but purposefully bought) which they would like to offer the golden child;
  11. Suggesting a holiday with the golden child

Malign Hoovers

  1. Noting the adult child (“AC”) has not visited and asking when this might happen;
  2. Triangulating the AC with the golden child pointing out how the golden child has visited more often;
  3. Feigning a crisis – the ceiling is leaking, the oven does not work, the neighbours are too noisy and something must be done immediately
  4. Bemoaning the fact nobody comes to see them;
  5. Highlighting how unwell they are;
  6. Pointing out financial difficulties
  7. Disapproving of the AC’s friends, romantic partner
  8. Claiming they never get to see their grandchildren;
  9. Complaining they are only ever used as a child minder for their grandchildren;
  10. Berating the AC for some imagined vice – drugs, drink, gambling etc based on the flimsiest of evidence but declaring that “I only have your best interests at heart”

 

  1. Turning up unannounced and uninvited for the weekend;
  2. Declaring how lonely they are and how “your father never listens”
  3. Moaning about never being able to go anywhere;
  4. Pretending to not understand what a letter means and asking for them to come and help;
  5. Deliberately sabotaging something and using it as a pretext for requiring immediate help and assistance;
  6. Threatening to remove the AC from their will unless they make more of an effort;
  7. Calling early on Christmas Day or their birthday to demand why the AC has not contacted them to wish them Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday;
  8. Frequently referring to the death of people they know and commenting how they won’t be long for this world and then “you will be free of me which is what you want really”.
  9. Throwing in the face of the AC everything they have ever done for the AC from his or her childhood “I wiped your bottom” even though they actually did the bare minimum of parenting;
  10. Utilising frequent sarcasm “I was just calling to let you know I am still alive because after all you have never bothered to call me in three days.”

The adult child is not allowed to lead their own life, to expect the ongoing support of their parent but instead be on call whenever these hoovers are deployed and to respond straight away so that fuel is provided without question or delay.

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How To Make A Request of a Narcissist

 

HOW TOMAKE AREQUESTTO A NARCISSIST

The most effective approach when dealing with our kind is GOSO, namely Get Out, Stay Out and do so through the imposition of a robust no contact regime.

The value of achieving this means it is often worth making certain sacrifices in terms of having that final word (see The Last Word ), writing off money owed to you, kissing good bye to that gay unicorn sculpture or even hoping for some kind of explanation as to what has happened. The benefit of achieving no contact will often outweigh trying to address those outstanding matters. Keep in mind also that not only do our kind not provide you with closure ( Closure Denied ), will not give you answers and also use any interaction to future fake and give you false hope, we also utilise outstanding issues (money, possessions, payment of bills etc) as the maintenance of Ever Presence and as Hoover Triggers. The attempt at a successful no contact regime is littered with the residue of the narcissistic entanglement.

Nevertheless, there may be occasions where you feel it is necessary to make a request of our kind in order to seek some kind of outcome or resolution. This requires careful evaluation to determine whether it is a step worth taking and if it is, how should this be effected? Here are some dos and don’ts in respect of how to make a request to a narcissist. Keep in mind that these points are not stand-alone and impact on one another in terms of the overall outcome that can be achieved.

  1. The first significant point is to take heed of the very title of this article. Make a request. Although it may sicken you to have to be polite and civil to us after the way you have been treated, if you make a demand you will get nowhere. In accordance with our need to always maintain control and the upper hand, making a demand of us is the proverbial red rag to the bull. Dependent on how this demand is made, it will either be Challenge Fuel ( so expect us to provoke you to get more delicious negative fuel and we will respond in an intransigent, obnoxious and obstructive manner to this demand) or it will wound us and thus you will ignite our fury. This latter response will mean your demand will be dead in the water and you will be subjected to either heated or cold fury. No matter how much it pains you, do not use phrases such as

“You have to do this”

“You must pay me immediately”

“If you do not do this then…”

Instead, you should utilise phrases including

“It would be appreciated if you could….”

“I hope that you might be able to….”

“Would you be so kind as to….”

We baulk at being commanded to do anything, since we are the doers and not the done to. No matter how right you may feel about making a demand, no matter how justified or entitled you may be, resist the temptation to couch your interaction with us in such terms.

2. Timing. This is crucial in terms of maximising the potential for success with your request. Naturally any request made to us during the relevant golden period is highly likely going to meet with success but that is of little help to you. You are not likely to be asking for your antique banker’s lamp back during the golden period or requesting that the utilities’ bills be settled promptly. Your request is usually going to be made post-escape or post-disengagement and it is in those instances that the issue of timing becomes paramount.

a. Do not bother with making any request in the immediacy of your escape from our kind. By immediacy I mean the first month post escape. Your escape will have meant that you have been deemed to be a traitor. If you make the request during the Initial Grand Hoover (our concerted attempt to pull you back under our control and into the Formal Relationship again) then it will only be seen as further evidence of your treachery. If you want money to be repaid, that not only signals to us that you have no interest in coming back to us, but making such a request will either be Challenge Fuel or Wounding. If you make your request following an unsuccessful IGH, if we do not have a replacement IPPS (assuming that was the position you held) then your request will in all likelihood be agreed to on the basis of you returning to us. Do not fall for it. This will be a future fake. We will agree to returning those items if you come and see us (so we can apply more pressure to draw fuel from you etc) but the return of the possessions will not happen.

b. If you become aware that we are pursuing a new IPPS interest and that is in the early stages (first few weeks of the pursuit) then do not bother making your request. You will remain painted black, seen as a traitor and also we will be concerned that you are trying to make us look bad in front of this new prospect. Furthermore, our inherent wariness will mean that we will treat the request with suspicion, regarding it as a Trojan Horse for the purposes of you trying to inveigle your way back in to wreak havoc on our new golden period.

c. If we have an embedded IPPS and all is sunny in paradise in Narcworld, this is your optimum opportunity to acquire a favourable outcome. The reason for this is that we will be far more secure in our golden period with this new IPPS. Furthermore, the maintenance of the façade of us being kind, decent and honourable will be of importance and whilst there is no absolute guarantee that we will acquiesce to your request, your chances are much greater. We want to be seen as magnanimous, that we bear no grudge, that we have moved on and we want to show the new IPPS (and members of the coterie) that we can exhibit benevolence. Of course there will be limits to this largesse, but by approaching us at this time and adopting the other points in this article then you will increase your chances significantly of a favourable outcome.

d. If we have dis-engaged from you, you have been painted black also. In all likelihood there will be a new IPPS and therefore in terms of timing you should pay heed to the above points.

e. If we have dis-engaged from you and there is no IPPS (as far as you can tell) there will be no point making the request because you will remain black because we have chosen to dis-engage from you with no IPPS to bolt on. Such a step may well have been taken as a consequence of total treachery on your part – exposure or massive wounding – and therefore any request made at this time will be met with being ignored at best and horrendous malign hoovers at worst.

Timing is most important and you need to be able to recognise where we are likely to be at with regards to our dynamic with other appliances before making your quest,

3. Do not make the request in person. No matter how hard you try to remain neutral, by appearing in person before us, you will provide us with fuel through what you say how you say it, the tone of your voice, your facial expression, the look in your eyes and so forth. This means that we will give the appearance of considering your request but all we will focus on is either gaining more fuel from you or pulling you back into the Formal Relationship (dependent on when this happens). Even if you make the request when we are at 2c above, your appearance in person will defeat the request because we see the opportunity to gain fuel from you (either positively by agreeing and future faking you so you keep revisiting us or by provoking you to give negative fuel) as far more important than looking good for the appearance of the façade. Keep in mind also that your emotional thinking is far more likely to govern your responses if you are with us in person and this will result in your providing automatic responses which will go against your aims.

4. Do not make the request by telephone. Although the quantity of fuel will not be as great as if you made the request in person, there is still a decent quantity to be obtained and we will seize on that opportunity rather than focus on making us look good by agreeing to your request. By speaking to us, you are again more likely to give us fuel and also to be governed by emotional thinking as we goad you – be it for positive or negative fuel.

5. Do not make the request by text message or social media message. You will end up clipping your message in a way which will make it appear like a demand. It is also easier for us to ignore.

6. Always make the request in writing and that means either in an e-mail or a hand-written letter. Why do this?

a. Evidence. Your request is not guaranteed to meet with success but where it eventually leads to (perhaps police involvement or through the courts) will be boosted considerably by having this evidence in place and not having to rely on oral evidence.

b. Best Front Shown. You will be far more considered, logical and restrained in a written request than one made in person or by telephone. Keep in mind that some of our kind will film/record you and use edited ‘highlights’ to discredit you when you become angry, frustrated or exasperated.

c. You will be able to take your time in composing the most effective request. You will be able to reflect on it, remove as much fuel as possible, avoid anything which would be construed as demanding or wounding and maximising effectiveness.

d. Even if you do provide some fuel, the written word conveys the lowest quantity by reason of the absence of hearing the tone, seeing the facial expressions and so forth. The written word may be emotive but it is low in terms of the quantity of fuel and may even just be Thought Fuel based on how we consider you to have been when you wrote the correspondence.

e. Building a ‘paper’ trail. If the request is not agreed to and you therefore have to use a formal channel – complaint to a body, commence litigation or use the police for instance, the fact you have created a paper trail will move matters heavily in your favour.

7. Never plead, cajole or threaten. This will cause us to scent there is fuel in the offing and/or wound us and therefore we will focus on the fuel/healing the wound you have caused and your request will be forgotten about as we go off on a different frolic.

8. Provide some flattery but do not go overboard. It is acceptable to write in terms such as

“I know you are a reasonable person”

“I know you are the right person to assist with this matter”

“I know you can resolve this for both our benefits”

Note the use of “I know” and not “I think”. Using I know is a strong assertion and leaves no room for doubt. However, do not become obsequious or over the top in your praise or compliments, because this will either cause us to sense more fuel is on offer or we will regard you as taking the piss and this will be Challenge Fuel. In either case, this causes us to focus on the fuel and/or asserting superiority and your request will be lost in the process.

9. Make the request once and once only. If you do not get a response or the response is rejection do not go back. All we will do is future fake and provoke you. If the request does not meet with success then you have made your point and you should then proceed to escalate the matter through a formal channel. Don’t keep chipping away asking “did you get the e-mail” (put a delivered and read receipt on it). Don’t demand that the request is answered (see the point about demand above).

10. If the execution of the request requires the delivery up of property, the return of possessions and such like, politely request that this is done through a third party and specify when they will attend to collect goods or deliver property etc. With regard to money you can arrange for this either be paid into an account or if it is cash have it handed to the trust worthy third party. Do not suggest that you will meet with us to execute the request. This will cause us to see an opportunity to gain fuel and deny the request or string it out and delay.

11. Ensure the request is clear. Do not suggest any meeting to discuss it. Do not invite us to advance counter proposals. Do not fudge the issue. Identify what needs to be done, make the request in a clear fashion noting precisely what should be provided for example, when and how. Invite a third party to review the written request so it reads clearly and there is no scope for misunderstanding. We will exploit a lack of clarity in order to contact you in person and thus draw fuel etc.

12. Politely request that the response from us is sent to a third party. You should always make the request (do not do so by proxy as this will insult us and wound us that you could not even be bothered to do the courtesy of asking us to begin with and your request will immediately fail) . However, detail in the request that performance of the request and confirmation should be provided to a third party who you can trust. This will deny us the opportunity to try to hoover you and dodge the purpose of the request. It also means that you may also maximise your prospects of a successful outcome when you are painted black still. If we do not have to deal with you (when there is a concern that you might for example interfere in the blossoming seduction of a new IPPS) then this is likely to improve the chances of it happening.

13. Identify the school of narcissist you are dealing with and tailor the request accordingly. The Lesser will have lower energy levels and risk an ignition of fury more readily, therefore look at ways of making his compliance easy – send someone to collect rather than wanting him to come and deliver for example. The Mid Ranger will want to be seen as the ‘good egg’ so factor that into how you phrase the request. The Greater will be above such trivialities and you may benefit from suggesting one of the Greater’s people liaises with one of your people to execute the request.

14. Do not offer a reward or incentive for compliance. This will then be the focus of our response and this will be sought without acceding to the request. If you show you are willing to give us something in return (which we regard as being entitled to anyway) we will focus on that instead.

15. Seek my assistance with a bespoke solution to the relevant situation so all factors are considered and taken into account and I can assist with the drafting of a request which is far more likely to succeed.

16. If the request does not work, do not be disheartened. Instead, if you have followed this article you will have avoided giving much fuel, you will not have made a show of yourself, you will have breached no contact of course but not in a way that is going to cause you huge problems and you will have established a constructive platform which will allow you to, if you wish, to escalate the matter in order to bring about compliance through an alternative method.

 

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Exposure During Escape

EXPOSURE ESCAPE

Should you expose your narcissist when you have escaped? Should you expose him or her if you have been discarded? It is far more likely that you have established who it is you have been dealing with for so many tortuous months or even years, when the Formal Relationship has concluded. Whether you managed to escape, or, more often, you have been discarded, the revelation of what you have been entangled with is more likely to appear in the aftermath than opposed to during seduction or devaluation.

Armed with this new found knowledge, as the pieces of the jigsaw start to fit together, but whilst the emotion remains raw, the desire to expose us to the world at large is extremely tempting. What better way to secure revenge than letting those who fawn over us understand what we really are? You know now and in accordance with your empathic nature you feel obligated to share this truth now that you have sought the truth and found it. Now it must surely be time to announce to the world that we are a narcissist?

Once again, as described during devaluation, the timing and the school of narcissist are highly relevant to understanding what is likely to happen as a consequence of this unmasking to third parties. We address here the likely outcomes when you have escaped your narcissist.

Post Escape

The next scenario is to consider what will occur should you expose us to third parties once you have escaped our grasp.

The Lesser. 

You will have stolen a march on the Lesser Narcissist. Based on the assumption that you have effected no contact and escaped his grasp without giving him an opportunity to try to prevent your escape (see https://narcsite.com/2016/08/20/how-no-contact-feels-part-one/) then your exposure will have taken the Lesser by surprise.

His efforts will have been focused on trying to win you back through the application of an Initial Grand Hoover, but if your no contact has remained intact and this IGH has failed, the Lesser will have been forced to seek out a new primary source to replace you. His fuel levels will have dropped and he will not have the energy levels to engage in any meaningful smearing of you as he tries to seduce a replacement.

As word of the your exposure reaches him, he will be wounded by this substantial criticism. His fury will be ignited and he will want to lash out at you. Knowledge of the exposure will have amounted to you entering a sphere of influence so there is a Hoover Trigger. His reaction will be to want to effect a malign hoover against you. However, if your no contact is solid and the wounding effect of the exposure will mean that you have raised the bar high in respect of the Hoover Execution Criteria. He will not effect the hoover because the prospect of fuel is difficult, he may not be able to contact you and there is the risk of further wounding.

He will however have his fury ignited by the wounding effect of the exposure. Unable to apply this heated fury against you through a malign hoover and in desperate need of fuel, the Lesser will actually be likely to lash out at his secondary sources. This creates a further problem for him. Whilst on the one hand those secondary sources – family and friends, will react by giving him fuel – they cannot help but do so as he lashes out at them causing anger, upset and surprise – he is also reinforcing what you have exposed him for.

Accordingly, in such a scenario, you have spread word of what he is. This has got back to the narcissist and irrespective of whether people believe what you have said or not (we turn to that in a  moment) the mere fact of you committing such an act of treachery as well results in huge criticism and thus huge wounding. Unable to perform what will in effect be a Malign Follow-up Hoover against you, the Lesser will have lost control and will lash out left right and centre. People will be railed against, insulted, items smashed and so forth as the Lesser damages the facade through his own inability to control his rage.

Eventually the garnered fuel will heal the wound but after this the Lesser faces the consequences of his actions. Numerous sources will turn their back on him and he will be left to rely on a diminished range of sources. Lacking the energy to draw in many replacement secondary sources, the Lesser is forced to focus on obtaining (or embedding) the new primary source. He will however withdraw generally as he regains fuel and slowly replaces the appliances that he has lost. This may even force the Lesser to move territory and seek out a new hunting ground.

Your exposure to the third parties will meet with some success, certainly more than if it took place during devaluation. This is because you are likely to be more composed in your approach, because you escaped and you have been able to get in first with your exposure before the Lesser has been able to smear. Not everybody will accept what you tell them, but others will. You will also then see that rather than fight back by smearing you and tackling your exposure, the out of control and wounded Lesser will only behave in a manner which allows you to stand back and say

“Told you so.”

So long as you engage in this exposure in a manner whereby the wild and raging Lesser cannot exact his Malign Follow-Up Hoover against you, exposing him post escape is likely to meet with success.

The Mid-Ranger

What then of the Mid-Ranger? How does he respond once you have exposed him post escape? Again, this is based on you managing to escape without tipping him off as otherwise you will initially face the scenario detailed here https://narcsite.com/2016/08/22/how-no-contact-feels-part-two/

Once word reaches the Mid-Ranger of your exposure he will also be taken by surprise. Although possessing of a better cognitive function and greater control than the Lesser, the Mid-Range Narcissist will also suffer a massive wound as a combination of the twin criticisms of your escape and the exposure. His immediate reaction will be one of horror at your disloyal behaviour, amazement at how treacherous you are and disgust that you of all people could do a thing like this.

The fury of the Mid-Ranger will be ignited and he will need to seek fuel. Just like the Lesser, he will turn to wanting to contact you by way of a follow-up hoover, since your exposure step has caused you to enter his sphere of influence and a hoover is triggered. The Mid-Ranger will not proceed in a malign fashion but he will want to hoover you in a benign way and for the purposes of rolling our repeated pity plays in the expectation of causing you to give him fuel and to also end and indeed reverse the exposure.

He will want to know why you could do this to him after all the things he has done for you, how you could treat somebody who loves you so badly, how you could be so cruel, so evil and heartless when all he has ever done is love you. He will be oblivious to his devaluation of you as he is intent and focused on his own discomfort. The wound will have him restless, morbid and in victim mode. If the Mid-Ranger is able to engage with you, you can expect a lengthy monologue as he seeks to draw sympathy from you and also your confirmation that the exposure is a mistake, based on a misunderstanding and you will rectify it by telling everyone that you have made a mistake and that he is in fact a decent and reliable person.

If the Mid-Ranger is unable to contact you to make this heartfelt plea, then he is forced to seek sympathy elsewhere and he will engage his energies in locating (or embedding the new primary source) as he smears you for your hurtful treachery and also rolling out his own propaganda response to those you have exposed him too. He will want sympathy and support from his supporters, he will entreat his coterie and lieutenants to disbelieve you and to persuade others of his merits.

You may meet with some success in persuading third parties to accept the true nature of the Mid Ranger if you are able to steal a march on him through your escape. If you can get your exposure in before he can smear you then you will have some success. You will face the difficulty that the Mid-Ranger will not respond in an aggressive manner but rather deploy pity and seek sympathy all in order to have people feel sorry for him. This is an effective step by him and he will not engage in the self-defeating behaviour of the Lesser.

Your exposure combined with no contact will cause him to slink away and leave you alone. He will be forced to apply his efforts to the replacement and trying to repair his reputation with the third parties and smear you also. Whilst he has more energy than the Lesser, he may ultimately opt to maintain a low profile and rely on what remains of his loyal sources as he located and embeds the new primary source. You have raised the Hoover Execution Criteria bar and therefore the prospects of further hoovers will be limited for some time.

The Greater

Finally we turn to the Greater. What is his reaction on you escaping him and exposing him? Once again, if you have tipped him off as to your intentions, the initial response from him will be as described here

How No Contact Feels – Part Three

If you do not tip off the Greater, what happens when he learns that you are exposing his behaviour and what he is to third parties.

Your escape and this attempted unmasking, amounts, as you would expect, to a criticism. It wounds the Greater but he will manage his fury and keep it under control. For now. His initial response will be two fold:-

  1. He will seek to apply a Benign Follow-Up Hoover to charm you. This will be fierce and sustained and seem like an Initial Grand Hoover, but it is not. He will be delightful, pleasant, apparently remorseful and will lay on the charm and magnetism; and
  2. He will deploy all resources in order to counter the effects of your exposure with the third parties. This will be initially by way of asserting his credentials, then undermining you and smearing you.

If the Greater is unable to contact you for the purposes of charming you, he will accelerate his efforts to secure a new primary source (even if the replacement is not 100% suitable) as the Greater will want a replacement immediately for two reasons.

  1. Naturally for fuel; and
  2. To parade to the facade’s third parties as part of the assertion of his credentials and the smearing of you.

Your escape will be portrayed as him leaving you. You will be smeared as The Crazy One and he will gain fuel from your replacement and his other sources. He is adept at doing so and consequently this will provide him with the additional energy to smear you and derail your exposure.

It is very hard to expose a Greater because he has charmed so many people that they will just find it very hard to believe what you are saying to them. Not only that, the Greater will be fighting back by reassuring these people there is nothing to worry about whilst pointing to your drink problem, your habitual lying, your possessive jealousy and so forth. This combination of reassurance, charm and smearing means you are unlikely to have much effect on the thoughts and opinions of the third parties, other than them to hold you in contempt.

The new replacement will be paraded in order to try to draw fuel from you, there will be frequent Relationship Bulletins and you may have escaped but your exposure will actually feel like you are under siege again because of the effects of the Greater’s sustained and co-ordinated response.

Even high calibre evidence of what the Greater is may well founder in the light of his charm and concentrated abilities and ultimately you run the risk of either being seduced again through his charm or if you can maintain no contact, you will find your exposure has not dented his standing but has had an adverse effect on your from the sustained smearing you will suffer. Even if your exposure ‘gets in’ first, the Greater can  mobilise his propaganda machine quickly with the consequent problems this will cause for you.

You may wish to consider carefully whether there is anything to be gained from exposing the Greater and instead focus on the gains you have made from escaping.

Next consideration will be given to the scenario of exposure following discard.

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