One of my early girlfriends, Olivia (amazing legs by the way) said that one of the things she really liked about me when we first got together was the pride I showed in broadcasting to the world that I was in a relationship with her. She expressed surprise and delight at how widespread my announcement that we were together was. I posted repeated and regular updates on Facebook of us together, at different restaurants, on the beach, at dinner parties, holding one another and smiling for all to see. I would tweet about how happy I was as a consequence of being with her and also what a breath of fresh air she was compared to the stale, possessive relationship I had been in previously. I would take her to a dizzying array of drinks receptions (both with friends and with work) and introduce you to all and sundry, positively bursting with pride. I ensured we attended plenty of dinner parties and barbecues where we worked our way around the other guests as I enthused about her wonderful qualities knowing full well that those who were in attendance would post about it on their Facebook pages and talk to other friends and acquaintances. Well we all enjoy the latest gossip don’t we? I changed my ringtone to her favourite pop song and when people commented on the tune I would explain why I had chosen it. I spread the news as far as I possibly could, using every available channel of the dissemination of information, content that once the news was out there, it would continue to spread. Yes, Olivia was utterly swept off her feet by the huge exposure I gave her to this glamorous lifestyle of mine and moreover the repeated and concentrated blasts of heralding our coupling. She adored me for it. Of course, what she had not realised that I was not doing it for her. I was letting Sandy, who I had discarded the week prior, know just how happy I was without her and how she was missing out. That’s what it was all about.
People often accuse my kind and me of not doing pleasant things. I find that hurtful and incorrect. If there are two things that will annoy me considerably, they are being hurt and people being incorrect (see the War on Error) . I regard this as a useful opportunity to remove that misconception. When I first meet a lady, two things go through my mind. The first is that I want to look after her, treat her well and make her feel special. The second is I wonder what she looks like when she cries. Notice which one I put first though. I am generous to a fault. I will buy you gifts, I will take you to fantastic places and I will ensure that you and usually an audience are fully aware of the extent of my largesse. I take an interest in you and engage in doing all the things that you enjoy. Tell me now, how can it be said that I do not do pleasant things?
As with most relationships, there is a honeymoon period and things settle down. There is no need to keep buying you perfume or lingerie, or that new boxset of DVDs. One can tire of dining in a fabulous restaurant every Friday or having those long weekends at the coast. I reduce the extent of my generosity but I do not extinguish it altogether. Not at all. I like to surprise you. I like to make a sudden grand gesture by telling you that I have got tickets for your favourite pop star or I might hide a delightful gift under your pillow. I love to do this as it makes you feel happy and wanted. It also means that I am just about to push you off the cliff and land a hammer blow on you. I do not want you to know it is coming. Goodness me no, I want you feeling secure when I suddenly subject you to a period of silent treatment. That way I get a sensational reaction to my behaviour and I can feed deep on your over emotional behaviour.