Tag Archives: reflection

Don’t Look Back In Anger

th (4)Many of my ex-girlfriends used to enjoy reflecting on the past. They would smile and recount some event in the past, a particular party or an enjoyable trip they once took to the coast. Sometimes it was not specific to an event but rather would be about the way a person had behaved. More often than not, their reminiscing focussed on the good. I don’t think about the past. It never invades my consciousness. I am not haunted by the memory of the cruelty that I have meted out to people. I lie straight in my bed and night and sleep soundly. I awake refreshed and ready for my next conquest. When I eventually discard someone from my life (I always do) I do not give them a second thought until I consider I might want something from then. I never wonder how they are or what they are doing. To me, out of sight really is out of mind. I delete you and in effect deny your existence. Many people lay down powerful reminders of their journey through life so far ; children, their wedding day, starting a career or college, moving to that first house and so on. I don’t bother with any of that. I gain nothing from looking backwards. It serves no purpose to me. I must look forward. I have to look to my next fix, my next conquest and my next victim.

This lack of attachment to past events and people gives me huge mobility. You are mired down for week, months and even years with the ghosts and memories of the past. For me they evaporate in an instant and free me to act with impunity. I have no reminder of what has happened. There is no cautionary tale. There is no record of things that came to pass. That is why it is futile to try to draw the past to my attention in some hope that I may change or may recognise the force of what you are saying. You try to point out something we once had, once did, once shared. Not to me. It never existed. It is a waste of my energy to hold onto the past. I never look back. You would do well to do the same.

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Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

Mirrors are important to me. Dr E passed me a mirror and asked me to look into it I was happy to oblige. I noticed my lips looked full and inviting, my complexion was clear and my eyes bright. I smoothed down my eyebrows with a finger and adjusted my hair slightly and then again until I was satisfied. I looked a while longer and content I looked great I lowered the mirror. Dr E asked me who I saw when I looked in the mirror. I frowned and told him I see myself. He asked how many mirrors I have at home. I explained there was one in every room and two in the master bedroom and the bathroom. He asked why so many. I said it ensured that I could always check my appearance so I always looked smart and attractive. Plus they make rooms look bigger don’t they?

He invited me to look into the mirror once again. I was happy to oblige. He said, “I want you to keep looking into the mirror until I tell you to stop.” I nodded by way of confirmation and sat with the mirror in my hands as I looked at my reflection. I kept looking and Dr E said nothing. I glanced at him and he instructed me to keep my gaze on the mirror and keep it there. I did as he instructed and continued to look seeing myself staring back at me. The minutes passed and still I continued to look into the mirror and Dr E remained silent. Suddenly, I threw the mirror to one side as I emitted a strangled gasp. It hit the floor and shattered. Dr E did not jump or start.

“Why did you do that?” he asked in his usual measured tone.

“I didn’t like what was looking back at me,” I blurted out before I made for the door.

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