I used to be in a band. I played lead electric triangle as I was the fulcrum of the outfit. Success was denied by the incompetence of my fellow band members and I let them know about that. I love the triangle. As Madonna once sang, one is such a lonely number. Two is okay but not enough, not for someone as great as me. But three, now three is marvellous. In any of my relationships I need to bring in the third person. With my brother, I would point out that his Christmas gifts were not of the standard of our sister. That would infuriate him. Even better, I would put the ‘phone down and call my sister and tell her that her gifts were not as good as our brother’s offerings. Fantastic. At work it is so easy to do. Somebody provides a presentation and I will deem it satisfactory but inferior to that given by Worker B the previous week (there was no presentation but Worker A does not know that). In respect of my best friend, I used to have an imaginary friend called Stuart who I would pretend to go out with, who was repeatedly calling me or who had “just called round so can you call back later”. I used Stuart as a method of blocking my best friend for three months. He bought me a golf club membership in order to try to preserve the friendship so we could spend time golfing. That was a great result.
As with most of my work it is in the field of intimate relationships that my trusty triangle and me bear the most fruit. I will drag anybody I can into the triangle and repeatedly through the day. I will compliment my personal trainer and compare her to you in terms of tone and definition of body. I will remark how the cook at the diner makes a better cooked breakfast than you. I will make oblique references to a new female colleague and enthuse about her abilities and make you know how often we speak during the day. Hell, I will even bring inanimate objects into the triangle too. That really gets to you. My obsession with my ‘phone is the best one, but I will spend an age polishing my shoes and commenting how reliable and beautiful they are, unlike you. I will of course be grooming a new person as I grow tired of you as I engage in extra relationship affairs, my triangle has to have meaning. I always feel however that I can take it a step further, drive it to new heights because to me, just like the triangle I played in the band, it is incomplete.