thQS91JCXFOne of my key defence mechanisms is the art of deflection. You may realise that nothing is ever my fault. It is evident why that is. I am special and above the regular humdrum vagaries of life that affect the little people. Accordingly, since I cannot be held to account, by reason of my elevated status in the world, it follows that nothing is my fault. I know this but I often utilise a method that ensures this state of affairs remains as it should be, with me blameless. I achieve this by accusing you of precisely what I have been doing. I am completely incapable of accepting I have done anything wrong because as I have explained, I am not subject to the usual rules and conventions that bind people like you. Thus if you challenge me for coming home in the middle of the morning, I will respond by listing the times you have arrived home late. I will accuse you of hypocrisy by suggesting I have returned late when you have done it several times. Usually you have not done that at all and this is where my tactics works so well. You are so flabbergasted that I have accused you of staying out late on repeated occasions, that you forget that you were challenging my behaviour. Instead, you switch to defending yourself by trying to prove that you did not stay out late on those occasions. I will then ramp up the antagonism by accusing you of suggesting that I must be lying. I feign indignation at this point and decide I will lose my temper. You cannot stand to be shouted out so you switch from defending yourself to placating me. Thus, your original complaint has been lost. I remember that your allegation was unfounded and invalid (so I can throw this back at you the next time you try and criticise me for something) and you feel bad for causing me to lose my temper. I have lost count of the number of times these conversations end with you saying, “I’m sorry, I was mistaken.” I win again and this validates my belief that the rules do not apply to me (because you have accepted my position) and therefore I can do as I please. I impress myself sometimes you know.


10 thoughts on “J’accuse”

  1. This hit hard at home, describes most of the arguments we had. What I disliked the most is that I started to mirror his behavior, which made everything worse. I point something out, he brings up something I’ve done, then I retaliate with a different event, & so on. In the end we’ve argued for hours, sometimes days, over something so small as taking too long at the store.
    What advice would you give to stop this cycle of pointing fingers?

  2. I read the booklet Evil ( very enlightening and scarily relatable) I’m realising now that I have been duped in massive way.
    My question to you is, there must be a time when you feel uncomfortable about what you’ve done to someone even if it’s for the briefest second ? You can’t tell me that never happens

    1. Hi Tonia, thank you for reading Evil. Might you leave a review for it on Amazon please? Yes you have been duped. It is what we do. You are partially correct in what you write. I don’t feel uncomfortable because I cannot put myself in your shoes. I do however know that what I do hurts people. I have learnt that. Unfortunately for you and others my needs come way ahead of any consideration for any one else so I know it is wrong but I have to do it.

      1. I have left a review !!! If i never had the experience of being with a narc I would find this fascinating. Unfortunately I’m finding out what I was dealing with. I will be asking you lots of questions I hope you don’t mind !!

  3. Omg you have described exactly what he did to me. Having you describe this process makes sense now. Thank you for being honest and candid

    1. When I first met my ex he told me he was always right. I thought it was a joke and even bought him a t-shirt that said, “I’m right, you’re wrong, any questions?” Years later I just thought he was stubborn. His mother said he’d been this way since he was a child and thought he’d outgrow it. Being educated, widely read, and more empathetic than he is, I started to think he had a limited world view which then had me thinking he’s just a racist bigot. He could never admit to being wrong or making mistakes. It wasn’t until after I left that I finally understood why this is.

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