Self Awareness

One of the common themes in my sessions with Dr E and Dr O is their need (note not mine) to have me be aware of what I am. Of course I know what I am but as ever I went along with their questioning. Initially this was all about how I regarded myself. I enjoyed this part and I could have gone on for some time. They reported back to me that I consider myself as more intelligent than most people, that I am more amusing, I am more likeable and more successful. I am also more physically attractive than most people. Well, hell yeah ! They then also established that I am obsessed with power (who isn’t if they have any drive and ambition – you don’t become President by sitting there do you?). I am also impulsive. I agree. I am arrogant (I call it confidence but what’s in a word?) and I like to exaggerate my success and abilities. That is true, how else am I going to get people to do what I want.

Things got interesting after that. The sneaky duo had been asking questions of others about how they perceived me. I was fascinated as they told me that their perceptions of me were bang on what I thought about myself. How about that for getting it right?  I was rather pleased. Dr O asked,

“Some of those traits could be viewed in a negative light. That is how other people see you. Does that not concern you that they view in a negative manner.”

I shook my head.

“You label it as negative. I regard those traits as strengths and it is clear that other people do as thy have clearly identified them with me.”

She raised her eyebrows (recently plucked I noticed) and remarked,

“What if I told you that those people do regard those traits as negative?”

“If they do then that is jealousy for you. Or I suppose they are too stupid to recognise the brilliance of what I do.”

“Okay, but what if I was to tell you that those people are intelligent and they answered honestly and consistently?” she pressed.

 I shrugged.
“Would you not rather they liked you for decent qualities such as honesty and trustworthiness.”
“I’m not bothered about whether they like me or not, I want them to admire me for what I am.”
I know precisely what I am. Anybody who tries to tell you that I am oblivious to it is a moron. The only difference is that some people regard what I am as a bad thing. I know they are wrong. What I am is a good thing. The world needs people like me.

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24 thoughts on “Self Awareness”

      1. Wow, so you actually agreed. Interesting.

        My father would never agree to do that. You two are eerily similar, he’s just a touch less sadistic. I would say he leans towards being the grandiose narcissist, but he’s still sounds stunningly similar to you. I cut him out of my life completely. Too much toxicity. Are your children still trying? How old are they? Do you really love them?

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      2. Thanks for your observations. I do not have any children. I chose not to. I did not want the limelight taken away from me and children always do that to their parents. I expand more on this in my Confessions book should you wish to delve deeper. How long have you been cut off from your father? Does he try to contact you at all?

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      3. Hi malignnarc…..
        What supposed behavior are they accusing you of?

        Did you something violent?
        Did you hurt an animal or a person physically?

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  1. I haven’t really had him in my life, since I moved away from home at the age of 23. I was happy to get away and in retrospect, I now know I was doing it to escape his emotionally abuse. I will argue that although a child can take the limelight – children are also blank slates that can be programmed to provide a constant flow of genuine narcissistic supply. In fact, I will argue that I didn’t understand where my identity and his separated until age 23 at least. Very confusing and he he fully took advantage of it. He made me feel guilty every time I dated anyone. He meddled and tried to tear us apart, etc. He always tries to contact me and says “I love you”, “It so sad how you treat everyone in the family” (he has no idea how I treat everyone in the family – because my mother won’t dare speak to him in depth), etc.

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    1. I agree with your analysis about utilising a child as a blank slate. Although I do not have any children I can envisage how parents will use them as extremely malleable forms of supply. Your comment about identity is common. Our aim is to subsume you within ourselves and remove your identity or in your case almost prevent it from emerging in the first place by doing this to you from an early age. His comment about how you treat everyone in the family is classic projection. What he is really saying is that he knows how awful his treatment of the family is but he cannot be accountable for that so he must project the blame onto you instead.

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  2. “The only difference is that some people regard what I am as a bad thing. I know they are wrong. What I am is a good thing. The world needs people like me.” I really like how you put this as the knowledge of good and evil was the fall of humanity so how does one determine what is good or bad and not merely different? Question: it’s almost been a year since you wrote this post, but when you visit this blog – you have EVIL in flames in the headline…was this from a marketing standpoint (as your blog is quite popular) or did you define a definition of what was evil or good?

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    1. Hello Sarah, I am merely referencing what I (and many of our kind) have been repeatedly called. I agree. It is all about perspective and leads to an entertaining debate.

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  3. you use good vs bad.
    i have this belief- they say people have disorders, issues, problems, aren’t normal- that perhaps it’s just fear. something stronger, smarter, wittier and misunderstood is evolving. if enough people began to understand and accept.. maybe it wouldn’t be seen as so negative.

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    1. To succeed. We are pioneers in many fields. There are many people who owe their lives to our kind, their incomes to our kind and so much more. Of course we also cause misery and carnage but that is regarded as a collateral consequence of what we do.

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      1. This is so true. I couldn’t agree more. But those of us who know still don’t like you all.

        Hhhmmmm well mate a little tiny bit !! It’s that damn thing you call charm !!

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      2. I think because you see people as ledgers, in black and white terms, or in the black or in the red terms; no gray areas (as per your recent post Mar. 19. 17. I think you insert yourself into the equation/ledger.

        Collateral damage is nothing personal, and I was surprised one of the good docs is female.

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  4. I’m finding this post very interesting because it’s just a heightened version of how I see myself.

    I’m honest to a point where I can alienate people because I’m willing to the be the one that calls out the elephant in the room. That usually leads to me being called the one that ‘causes problems and drama’, instead of what it is, that I’m saying what needs to be said.

    “She’s been stealing from you.”

    “He’s the one that took your grocery money every week for drugs.”

    “Your wife speaks to your daughter in a horrible way! She literally screams at her, that she’s an asshole!” (She was 7).

    I don’t see this as a negative trait at all but I know there is a significant percentange of the populous that disagrees. I think they’re wrong.

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    1. Hello Julie,
      I find too, that I am capable of being brutally direct and forward with the intention to be honest to address and resolve issues. Nobody likes confrontation. I don’t but I don’t shun it or run from it either. I think the majority of people prefer to take the path of least resistance and prefer to avoid an uncomfortable conversation, such as your statements above, for example with “he’s the one that took your grocery money week for drugs”. Whoever you said that to knows they may have some culpability in that situation for being an enabler but ewwww, how uncomfortable to actually have to have that conversation. Avoid.
      I have this conversation with my best friend on occasion because she currently has an issue that I believe is festering worse than need be with her adult son because she will not address it head on with him. He has made two snarky comments to her on his last two visits home and it’s apparent there is underlying resentment building. She openly admits she’s avoiding it. Her tactic was to text his live-in girlfriend after the visit that she really enjoyed their time but he hurt her feelings with his remark. The girlfriend said he was out of line but prefers to stay out of that conversation. I tell my friend, call him, have him come home and have a heart-to-heart. She cringes at the thought of it.
      So yes, we can be viewed as people stirring up drama or being too emotional and in our heads that is not the intent.

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